Tweeting Aliens

Why do you people always call during Bleet-blorp?

So I was away last week, and during my time off I found myself revisiting Space Chronicles by Neil deGrasse Tyson. This was my second read through and I tore through it in about a day and a half. Partly I used the book as a resource for a writing project I have been working on, but it also could have been the trip to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida that helped to re-inspired my return to the words and passions of Dr. Tyson. Either way, I have find myself in a certain mood of cosmic musing.

So imagine my interest when I returned to the real world and started reading about how SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) scientists debated the merits of sending active messages into space in order to look for intelligent life during the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. This is called Active SETI or METI (Messaging to Extraterrestrial Intelligence,) a name I find ironic, because I am on Twitter and I sometimes wonder if most of us are even messaging any intelligent life here on Earth.

There have been a few attempts at intergalactic emails in the past. My favorite attempt came in 2008, when NASA beamed the Beatles song, Across the Universe to Polaris. Though in all fairness this wasn't considered an actual attempt to make contact with an alien race, more of a publicity stunt cooked up NASA and a Beatles historian. By all accounts Polaris (our North Star) most likely does not harbor any worlds that would be capable of supporting life. However, there have been other more serious attempts at sending isolated messages to nearby star systems, such as A Message from Earth.

This message was a high powered digital radio transmission aimed at Gliese 581, specifically Gliese 581c, which is a possibly habitable planet with a warm and temperature climate that is a good candidate for housing life. The message was sent in 2008 and contained 501 messages that were selected through a contest on the social media site, Bebo. These messages will reach the planet in 2029, and then I guess we wait and see if we get a response or just some version of an answering machine message. (Maybe they are screening us.) Similarly, in 2013, the somewhat controversial Lone Signal project began, founded by two businessmen.

The Lone Signal charges the public money so that they can send messages, 144-characters in length, to the red dwarf star Gliese 526 which has its own confirmed planetary system. Unlike A Message from Earth, this is not a one time time transmission. In fact, the Lone Signal project wants to earn enough money to build a network of radio dishes to actively send messages to a variety of candidate solar systems within our galactic neighborhood... and who better to be our first ambassadors to these distant neighbors than any jerk on the Internet that is willing to pay twenty-five cents to send a penis joke to the real-life equivalent of the Klingon Empire.

This brings us back to the debate among the SETI scientists, which was held at the AAAS 2015 Conference this past week. If we are going to start sending active messages of greeting out into the universe, we will need to be prepared for the consequence of getting an answer back in return. For most of its life, the SETI Institute has only listened to the heavens, like some creepy dude in the 90's that cruised around with a baby monitor to listen to people talk on their cordless telephones.

SETI themselves lays out some of the dangers on their website. Until now, SETI researchers have not been very interested in broadcasting... To begin with, we are a technologically young civilization... there are surely societies that have possessed the ability to send high-powered signals for tens of thousands, if not millions, of years... We are the new kids on the technology block, it may behoove us to listen first. Some have also expressed concern that broadcasting might be dangerous, literally calling attention to our existence. Even Stephen Hawking believes that any alien visitors would basically treat us the way Europeans treated Native Americans, (which if you need a history refresher didn't turn out so great for Native Americans.)

Hit me up on Twitter @IWantToBurstOutOfYourChest

Yet, is that just a pessimistic view or is there truth to it? After all, there are plenty of reasons why making a friend request across the galaxy could be beneficial, (and not just for having someone to share our food pics with, either.) No matter who you are, you have to admit that Earth is far from perfect. We have a lot of problems, and some friendly visitors from beyond our solar system could bring some solutions, such as cleaner energy, faster computer processors, maybe even a way to reverse the effects of global warming, to say nothing of the possibilities of interstellar travel. Heck, even if we just got back a message saying, "Hey, how are you? We like your profile, and we'd be very interested in meeting up sometime for a drink," (Which, is basically every message I send girls through my dating profile,) our society would still be irrevocably altered.

If humans were forced to live with concrete proof of the existence of intelligent extraterrestrials, even if they remain as trapped on their world as we do on ours, it would mean that we would have to face some pretty tough questions. We would know that we were no longer alone, no longer special. What does that mean for religion? for governments? for science? for that guy who stands on my street corner everyday with the tinfoil hat? Would there be widespread panic, or something better. Would we start to look at each other differently when we realize that our differences, skin, eyes, ethnic upbringing, are not so "alien" after all, when compared to the face of real ETs? I don't have the answers to any of those questions, and I don't know if anyone will until the time we are forced to answer them.

All I do know is that real scientists this past week debated the merit of announcing our presence to the galaxy, and the possibility of alien invasion, (and whatever else happens, that's pretty cool.) In all fairness, we have been broadcasting our presence for a while now with the slew of radio, TV, and, most recently, Internet broadcasts that have been steadily expanding around our place in the galaxy like a sphere of Nick at Nite reruns, featuring I Love Lucy and (what is sure to be very confusing) Star Trek, but we have never made a large scale and sustained effort to actively send targeted messages to star systems which are candidates for Earth-like worlds. More to the point, an Active SETI search has people nervous enough to voice their opinion about it. After all, there is a difference between waiting with your hand up to be acknowledged and standing up on your desk and screaming at the teacher.

As for my own personal opinion, I find myself being against the idea, and not so much because of the threat of alien invasion, but because I don't want humanity announcing its presence prematurely. We are a young race and we do have a lot to figure out before we start introducing ourselves to our neighbors. Things like the Golden Disks are all well and good as symbolic gestures, but we need to get our house in order first. We need to earn our place among the stars, and not have it handed to us as long as we put on a good face and ask very nicely. As great as it would be to have an influx of alien technology, I don't know if we are ready for it. I think we have to face our present challenges ourselves, and live the lessons that come along with achieving a space-faring society, even if that means we risk our own annihilation. If there is a galactic society out there, whether it be a Federation or an Empire, let us meet its members as equals, not as a charity case or as an easily conquered world.

I'm not alone in believing this either. None other than Dr. Frank Drake (of the Drake Equation fame) listened to the conference and said, I think it’s a waste of time at the present. It's like somebody trying to send an e-mail to somebody whose e-mail address they don’t know, and whose name they don’t know. (We would basically be sending galactic spam,) but even if the call were to be answered and we were to invite our new friends over for a play date, it is worth noting that we really shouldn't know what to expect. I will give the last word of this to the man whose words should carry the most weight, Neil deGrasse Tyson.  

We actually have some evidence of what happens when a high technological culture meets a low-technology culture. Our species bears this out multiple times in the history books, and it doesn’t bode well for the culture that has less technology. But I would say to fear an alien for that reason is more a reflection of how we know we treat each other than it is on how we could ever possibly suspect an alien to treat us. And so why should we be the measure of hatred in the universe?

 

(PS: It is worth noting that the 2015 AAAS Conference also held several extremely important symposiums on Ebola and controlling infectious diseases, climate change, scientific education, global human resources, and much more serious topics than sending out our Instagram photos to Alpha Centuri. [Un]surprisingly, though, it was the Active SETI portion of the conference that the news media actually decided to report on... I just wanted to leave you with that thought.)

The Avenging Spider-Man

It's official. Spider-Man has been confirmed as being added to the Marvel Cinematic Universe in an unprecedented agreement set between Marvel and Sony. Basically Sony will retain distributive, financial, and creative control, but Marvel will get a piece of the pie. Kevin Feige, the man behind the MCU, is also set to co-produce the next independent Spider-Man movie. This is all exciting news and I think a positive step for both production companies, but it still leaves us with some questions that are worth contemplating.

First and foremost, who will be Spider-Man. Will it be Andrew Garfield, will it be a new actor, will it be me? (Seriously, I'm waiting on that phone call.) Smart money seems to think that it won't be Garfield and that this new agreement marks a new Spider-Man with a new direction. Yet, if that is the case, is the viewing public really ready for a third attempt at Spider-Man? Though, this new Web-Head would have the advantage of being able to hang with Daredevil and get an internship from Tony Stark, it still sets up the question, "Are we are risking Spider-Man whip-lash?" After all, do we want to see another Green Goblin storyline or another Lizard or Electro or Venom... Scratch that I would like to see another attempt made at Venom... But the point remains that the new MCU Spider-Man is not going to be some hit and run hero that gets a five minute cameo in the Avengers and we never see again. He will have at least one more stand-alone movie. So how do we keep him fresh?

The most obvious and exciting prospect is a boy named Miles Morales. For anyone not in the know, Miles is Spider-man in Marvel's Ultimate Universe after Peter Parker dies. Now I'm not suggesting that we kill of Garfield onscreen to be replaced by Donald Glover, (but I'm also not not suggesting that either.) His origins can be changed, but Marvel, Sony, and comics in general have found themselves struggling with ideas of diversity in characters. This is a great opportunity to bring that issue to the forefront. Yes, Black Panther is coming, but T'Challa is an African prince from a distant land. Miles Morales is a kid from a poor neighborhood of New York City. Which one do you think is more representative of the American experience? And choosing the racially diverse Morales over the very white Parker would go a long way to cementing people's faith in Marvel and its properties. Yes, there would be people who would raise an outcry, but Peter Parker has had five movies, two good, one okay, and two bad. Maybe its time to give someone else a turn in the batters box.

Unfortunately, as much as I think this is the direction that Marvel should go, I have doubts it will happen. Peter Parker has too much name recognition. So what do we do with him in his next movie? Most obviously, drop the damn Origin story, especially if it is a new actor. If I had a nickle every time I saw Uncle Ben get shot, I could buy a modestly priced Tesla car. We all know where and when Spider-Man came from. There is no good reason to rehash it again. Also put "With great power come great responsibility" back in to the movie. I know Sam Rami used to to death, but it's a personal pet peeve of mine that it got taken out in the Garfield version... So really I'm just asking that you make me, alone, happy. Is that too much to ask? (Waiting on that call.)

Next, do something new and exciting with the next Spider-Man movie. If its going to be set in the MCU, than really go with it. If we stick with Garfield, I would be interested in seeing a third movie that is about him coping with becoming an Avenger or dealing with whatever just happened in Civil War. Or tell a movie that is half flashbacks to Spider-Man's involvement in the Chitauri Invasion from the first Avengers movie. We know Spider-Man wasn't directly involved in the main battle, but what if he spent the invasion saving people or battling an escaped villain on the peripheral for the invasion. A storyline like that would help cement Spider-Man into the MCU, and may even allow the chance to bring Garfield's already established storyline into the larger universe.

If we don't stick with Garfield, I would still like to see a movie set in the larger universe. So maybe we don't want to use Green Goblin, but what if Norman Osborn does something that tricks the Hulk into rampaging through New York City. Spider-Man would have to stop him, which is an incredibly daunting task for a superhero that is still basically a teenager. It would also allow Marvel to get the Hulk into another movie (something they have wanted to do for years.) This would be a perfect way to put a fresh spin on a Spider-Man movie without dipping into what is left of the lower-level Spider-Man cadre of villains. (If we are forced to sit through a movie version of Shocker or Vulture, I don't know if I could take it.)

Lastly, there also remains the question of how will Spider-Man first appear in the MCU. It has been confirmed that we will get a cameo or a glimpse of him in a Marvel property before we see him in his own stand alone movie. Yet, that could mean almost anything. Does that mean he will be the stinger at the end of Avengers: Age of Ultron? Does it mean he will take the place of Black Panther as a main character in Captain America: Civil War, (which would be a blow for Panther, but in all fairness it was his role to begin with, and it would be a really good way to put him front and center in the MCU,) or will it be in something else or in some other way? I do believe that the manner and way in which he is introduced will set the tone for his involvement (heavy or light) in the MCU, but I suppose only time will tell.

It seems almost surreal this is actually happening, especially considering Joss Whedon was almost crucified by lawyers when he tried to even hide a hint of the Oscorp building in the New York skyline in Avengers. However, this is very good and it is coming at the right time for both companies. Sony is in desperate need. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was a flop and put them back in the same place they were after Rami's Spider-Man 3. The fact that they are willing to share will put a lot of fan faith back in the studio. 

As for Marvel, they are going stronger than ever, but we can see the horizon and there are some concerns. With contracts for Downey, Evans, Hemsworth, and their other big name stars set to expire the MCU will soon be losing their tent-pole heroes. So how does the Marvel Universe exist after Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor disappear? The answer will be a mixture of carrying on those mantles in other ways. I am almost positive there will be a new Captain America after Evans. Iron Man may hang around as the old man of the universe, but it won't be the same. This is where the potential for Spider-Man is so impressive. He has always been the big Marvel character, but has faded from glory over the past decade as the company has focused more on their own properties and heroes and shined the light away from him, due to the Sony conflict. Yet, in many ways he is still the main-man. He still has the kind of star power that Marvel is going to need to keep them moving beyond that Infinity War threshold. Introducing him now could represent the passing of the torch from the Big 3 back to our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man and the continuation of this shared universe they have created.

Pond of Consciousness : Fant 4 Stic

One of the newest trailers causing a buzz on the Intra-Webs is the new Fantastic Four trailer. For better or worse it is Fox's next attempt at desperately clawing onto franchises that they don't want returned to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, (because money.) The studio has decided to go a different route than the last two movies about the First Family of Marvel, but say what you will about those movies at least they didn't try to take themselves too seriously. Unfortunately, the new trailer hit every dark and stereotypical note that you would expect from a Post-Nolan gritty dark reboot, but does that mean its better?

So, occasionally, I do certain things in my life and just let my mind wander as I write down the thoughts as they come to me. When that happens all my streams of consciousness pool together and basically result in gibberish. This is one of those times... Enjoy.

Okay. So the first shot... obligatory Marvel title script. That's almost makes me think this is going to be a superhero movie. I wish the Fantastic Four were just a part of the MCU. All I want is Reed Richards in Civil War... Oh... There are wide sweeping shots of a city, a mountain range, all while a voice-over plays talks about human beings and discovery... Is there like a formula laying around in some Hollywood executive's office about how to make generic trailers?.. Do we all need to do gritty Dark Knight reboots... Am I going to hear the Inception noise in this trailer?... The shot pans up to the stars above a small town before quickly switching to a fast moving car moving through some sort of Kansas wheat field... Am I watching Superman again?... or is Matthew McConaughey going to be in this movie. "I was driving a Lincoln through a wormhole before I was paid to do it, and I mean that literally. There are many factors of time dilation involved." Anyway, so now it's a shot of some kids in that same small town working on some kind of experiment and the narrator very purposely says "invent..." because everyone in the movie going audience is thinking... I wonder if Reed Richards was ever a fat kid in Kansas. This movie looks less like a superhero movie and more like kind of movie whee a kid learns an adolescent lesson through fantastical events, like ET or The Shining. Actually that kind of movie sounds more fun. Maybe the movie is about a small boy growing up in a small town, trying to prove himself to his overbearing and drunk father figure. He's the brainy type, but his father, an ex-college football star, only understands sports and athleticism. Then he invents a machine for his science project to prove himself, but that machine winds up being some kind of receiver for alien transmissions... Boo-ya... this could be Oscar gold... Okay, Okay, I need to keep going. Now we have astronauts getting into tube-things... blah blah origin story... but what if that kid in the previous scene picked up alien transmissions and they told humanity how to build some sort of machine which will allow us to meet the Aliens... It's like Contact.... which also had McConaughey in it. "Sometimes when driving a Lincoln you have to go back to meet alien beings. They should have sent a poet." And for some reason we need to know that it is done by the same people as X-Men: Days of Future Past... From the man who once brought a glass of water to Christopher Nolan... Anyway, now we get some generic military officers looking at a generic screen... actually they aren't looking at the screen. They are looking away from a screen of moving images... for some reason... I mean they are obviously in some sort of briefing. Why aren't they looking at the things they are getting briefed on?..So what if the aliens that humanity contacts turn out to be not friendly. Maybe they unleash a weapon, instead. What if their weapon paralyzes people. That's why those Pentagon officials aren't moving. Obviously they would be the first people targeted by this weapon. The presentation going on behind them must just be on auto-loop... Stop getting distracted... Okay. So now we have Mark Zuckerberg walking through an auto parts factory. Susan Storm wearing headphones... while watching dots moving around a digital map. Then a kid playing baseball, probably Benjamin Grimm, and finally Johnny Storm fixing a car.... I'm going to try not to think about how Johnny is black and Susan white, or why they felt the need to do that, because if I think of anything accidentally racist I may be forced to write it down... But I just don't get why they couldn't have cast two African American actors instead of one. I have no problem with Johnny being black, but then make Susan black too... Why do we need some sort of convoluted adoption plot-line to mask the fact that we included a token minority. If anything that seems even more racist than just casting four white actors... Also, I like how the movie show them all doing typical "American" things. I'm surprised Sue wasn't baking an apple pie. I like the narrator though hitting those notes of "generations" and "responsibility?"... They are all very much just kids. I think I remember reading a comic book once about a group of four people with powers who would save the world on occasion... Fantasy Four? Fantastic Fourteen? Something like that... but they were much older. They were actual adults. I means these four are just kids, so there is no way they are like those other older people... Back to shots of the spacesuits getting into that machine and then there is a concerned look on that one older man's face. Everything is about to go wrong... Maybe now the aliens true plot will be revealed. Humanity knows its in trouble... Typical destruction scenes, military officials walking through a hall, and somewhere a plane exists as it flies over a mountain scene. There are people looking surprised. We see Mark Zuckerberg again. Then we see a piece of rock explode and it looks like something moves... Sigh... Bring back Michael Chiklis... He really wants to play a superhero... I feel bad for him... Okay, so what if that's not the Thing but one of the aliens coming to Earth to invade?.. Stop getting distracted by movies you make up in your head... More scenes of destruction, and then the narrator says "consequences," in that deep throaty voice and then that guy is on fire... What if all the aliens take on elements of our planet, like Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart... Maybe that's why they need to come to Earth to use our natural resources to power their own physiologies... Bonus it could also be an allegory for Global Warming, which would only be slightly less subtle than Keanu Reeves facial expressions in Day After Tomorrow... Then there is an explosion in New York, and we see the astronauts climbing up a mountain, while a very strange noise happens in the background... It's not quite "Bwahhhhh!" but it's not too far off either... Also this movie really loves mountains... People explode in a hallway as a shadowy figure approaches them... Maybe it could be an alien with electrical powers... Then back to Johnny Storm, then more establishing shots with background of wierd desolate landscape... the negative zone... Or maybe it is Earth all along... "Damn you you dirty apes!"... So the aliens come to Earth to drink up all our resources, but in the process they drain the planet of them. That would leave Earth looking a lot like that hellscape of mountains and possibly lava (for effect), which would explain the suits. Maybe humanity needs to create special suits to survive this radical terraforming process... Oh, Mark Zuckenberg is really reaching for something there. Maybe its a glass of water, or maybe its the switch that will finally destroy the aliens and save the planet, or maybe its just the 'Like' button on his Facebook wall. Who knows?... There is the logo, which I still don't understand Fant 4stic? Fant for Stick?.. Now some actual generic dialogue that warns Mark Zuckerberg to beware of what is coming... if only he was talking about an alien invasion of resource sucking aliens... So the guy on the gurney was one of the original astronauts. Maybe he was on the first team that they sent to make contact with the aliens... the team that never returned... Maybe the movie would deal with the fourth team to make the attempt... which could explain the confusing title, but they recover this guy on their mission and he knows the truth, but he is half dead, and nobody on Earth is believing him... Or it's a rebooted Doctor Doom in a dark a gritty franchise about a team of superheroes that Fox is desperately trying to hold onto... tomato... Toronto... Now we have the final shot of our four heroes looking at some beam going into the sky... an alien terraformer machine?... probably not... You can barely see them or their costumes. Trailers are like the lingerie of the movie world. They hide all the good stuff, but give you enough of a tease to keep you interested... Also is the Thing not wearing pants?.. So does that mean he doesn't need to wear pants? Did the accident make him have no sexual organs, like some giant cartoon? Or is he just walking around with his boulder swinging in the breeze like some craggy version of Dr. Manhattan?.. I am not excited for this movie at all. It's just going to be another terrible, Incredible Spider-Man 2-like attempt to take advantage of the Marvel name. Fox should just give up and release the rights... I'd pay ten dollars to see that happen... I bet a lot of people would, and it would still be cheaper than going to see this generic gritty reboot... This kind of movie needs to really go away... Like Matthew McConaughey...

"Oh thanks man, the truth is I spend at least 90% of my year going away, exploring exotic places, having sex with my beautiful girlfriend, just doing sit-ups, I mean that really... and then counting money. The money that I made off my terrible films I put out into the American populous because they just love to see me doing what it is that I do."... 'Contact' They didn't even need you in that movie, they could have done the whole movie without you... "I know, I know I said the same thing, but they were just like - Oh we need a good looking guy with a great ass and some tight abs to provide some down home enthusiasm to this picture. Something to counter balance Jodie Foster, they took her to be slightly cold, uh unapproachable so they put me in there. I said it didn't make any sense. Said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie but they said well the audience needs you."...You make me physically sick to my stomach and I wish you that would get a heart attack.... "I totally feel you man, the truth of the matter is I don't like my movies either but man they keep offering me money and I do it and I get to around the world, I mean did you see 'Sahara'. I'll tell you what that movie gave me, was the opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time."...

That was weird... in conclusion... I will probably wind up going to see this movie.

Whether Weathermen Were Wrong...

There are few certain things in this world: the inevitability of bad hair days, the slow unrelenting march of age and time, and the death of a Sean Bean character. Yet, there is much more that is uncertain: stock prices, the number of socks that will emerge from the dryer, and, of course, the weather. Let's spend a few minutes dwelling on that last one, because despite the insistence of a certain doomed Sean Bean character, winter doesn't always come. That was proven on Tuesday when the New York area found itself bracing for a massive hurricane of icy death that never quite panned out.

Sure, we got a few inches, but growing up in the Northeast those are the kind of numbers you find yourself laughing at as your car skids slowly to work in the morning. What we were promised was a winter storm so impressive that it would bury us under feet and feet of snow. Curfews were enacted across New York and New Jersey. Trains, buses, and subways were shutdown. States of Emergencies were called. Government offices were closed, and grocery stores couldn't have been ransacked harder if there was a horde of ice zombies coming. I, personally, got up at 5:30 am to race the storm home from Maryland... Then it started snowing... Then it stopped and everyone emerged from their cocoons of blankets and Netflix to see that nothing had happened... Then a lot of people got mad.

Did you know that the 1977 revision of the Geneva Convention prohibits the weaponizing of weather? I know, it sounds like a plot cooked up by Cobra Commander, but did you also know that the United States of America successfully used weaponized weather during the Vietnam War? Operation Popeye used cloud seeding over Vietnam to increase the rainy season by thirty percent, in order to hinder troop and vehicle movements. Yet, seeding clouds is not the only way to use the weather as a weapon, and I have been hearing many people over the past few days call the false reporting of meteorologists, nothing short of criminal.

FYI, this is also against the Geneva Convention.

"Those weather-hacks misled us! The lied to us! We all put our trust in them and this time they used their power as a weapon to shutdown one of the world's largest and most densely populated metropolitan areas. New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia all came to a grinding halt because of the false promises of meteorologists and their scary, albeit colorful, maps of doom. They didn't even apologize, (except for the ones that did!) They told us falsehoods! They mildly inconvenienced us and damn them, they gave me a day off of work! Meteorologists may not be able to manipulate the weather, but they manipulate our feelings about the weather, and maybe its time we held them accountable.

"Under the Geneva Convention we should prosecute them as war criminals! Let's put them on trial in front of an international court. Let's send a message that we will not let our lives be dictated by people with names like Gretchen Storm and Sonny Day. I promise, no longer will the sadistic cackle of the dreaded Weatherman echo through the frozen halls of his Arctic Doppler Fortress. Huzzah! After all, what have they ever really done for us?"

...I mean aside from saving lives and preventing property damage. According to a 2013 World Bank Report, a fully staffed and equipped meteorological service saves an average of 23,000 lives a year and provides up to $30 billion a year in economic benefits. The real truth of this issue is that I think it is easy to hate on weathermen. Their jobs are based on speculation, and, in fairness, they are not right all the time. In fact, if you are looking for an interesting piece on the accuracy of weather forecasting I suggest you check out the Freakonomics site, which basically maps out the accuracy of weathermen in Kansas City over their seven day forecast. Spoiler: They are not 100% accurate, but that doesn't make what they do is any less difficult or valuable.

Granted, that even after the storm proved to be bust many stations kept their reporting up, as if we really were under attack by the love child of Elsa and Mr. Freeze, but that has more to do with the news stations than the actual meteorologists. If Fox News has taught us anything it is that scaring people is a surefire way to get good ratings, and maybe there were a few people out there who were more willing to fudge the numbers in one direction if it meant people would watch, but that was not the majority. If anyone is to blame, we are. Because, when you really think about it, meteorologists are a lot like the weather they report. We really don't pay attention to them till we need to, and even then its usually only in a negative way, Maybe that's part of the reason why sometimes they get a little overly excited about bad weather, in the same way firefighters get a little too excited about a structure fire. Only in catastrophe do they really get their chance to shine.

"I'm wearing camouflage, because... Did you see what
happened to that last dog?"

Unfortunately, this time their excitement led to the loss of hundreds of thousands of dollars by state and local businesses who listened to the dire warnings of weathermen and weather-women as they gazed into their crystal balls, but I don't mean to sound flippant (that just usually happens naturally).  I have a lot of respect for the people entrusted to predict the movements of nature. Weather forecasting is a science, but it is not an exact one. There are still many mysteries on why weather behaves the way it does, and what we get as a forecast is usually the best possible data as interpreted by local and national meteorologists. That means they are using their models and scientific understanding of weather behavior to give us their best estimate as to where a storm system will be heading and what conditions will lead to one forming in the first place. It also doesn't help that the American National Weather Service is woefully underfunded and understaffed.

In the past five years the NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) budget has stayed relatively flat, despite significant budgetary increases for other federal departments. Even worse the National Weather Service has suffered from some 200-odd labor shortages, finding themselves without the money to hire and retain key meteorologists, even in critical areas such as Tornado Alley where accurate weather predictions help to save thousands of lives annually. This is trouble for local weathermen who get their core data from the National Weather Service, which helps them make their predictions. This severe underfunding is also one of the main reasons why the European weather agency, (European Centre for Medium Range Weather Forecasting) typically produces more accurate weather models than the US National Weather Service. They have better equipment with faster computing power

All of this leads back to the super storm of snow that was supposed to hit New York this past week. Many weather agencies went with the European model for the storm, due to its track record of better accuracy, and for whatever reason, this time the European model was wrong and the American model, (which predicted that the storm would miss the city,) was actually correct. That's how bad it has gotten for the US National Weather Service. Even when they're right, the local agencies don't believe them. It's like their the weathermen of weathermen.

On the plus side, the development of hover technology is
coming along in time for Marty McFly's arrival this year.

The United States needs an updated weather model, proper funding, modern equipment, and proper staffing. Maybe if the weather could be used as a weapon of war there would be more funding available, but right now it is a low priority on the national budget. Yet, it shouldn't be. The National Weather Service does more than tell us whether to take an umbrella or sunscreen. Poor and improper weather forecasts, whether negative or positive, affects millions of American and billions of dollars worth of industry and infrastructure. Everything from mass transit to national trucking industries are affected by the weather. 

So yes, this time the weathermen got it wrong, but that doesn't mean they are always wrong or that they are criminals. Human beings have a tendency to want to kill the messenger, but the general public needs to reevaluate how we think about the weather and those who report it. With changing climates, global warming, and a myriad of other factors, the job of meteorologists gets harder and more important every year. That's why they need our support. So maybe with a bit of work, a bit more money, and a little faith, next time it will be different, (yes, there will be a next time,) because the weather can be a weapon, but not one controlled by humans. Still, it is no less dangerous. Weathermen and weather-women are the ones trying to keep us safe and prepare us for what is to come, because if we aren't prepared then that would be the real crime.

Tropes: Stuffed in the Fridge

Tropes are all around us, on TV, in books, film, and video games. They  allow us to compartmentalize concepts so that our brains don't have to waste too much processing power over-thinking certain ideas, which is both good and bad. After all, when two guys show up with bad Italian/Brooklyn accents in nice suits, our brain tells us that they are gangsters and we don't have to over think it. The authors, directors, and character actors of the world would tell us this is a good thing. After all, these two goons will probably be killed off in the next scene by our hero and the audience doesn't need twelve minutes of back story to understand that Goon #2 joined the crime family after his mother's store was tragically lost in a fire and he had nowhere to turn for money but the crime boss that ran his old neighborhood, thus embroiling him in a life of crime that has caused part of his humanity to wear away even as he still regrets the terrible things that he has had to do, and all the while all he wanted to be was a baker. (Consequently, I think I also just wrote the biography of the Cake Boss.) See, even writing all that down in a semi-sarcastic manner took up more time and attention than might really be deserving of a character that will get a total of thirty seconds screen time. Tropes allow us to enjoy a story without getting bogged down in the minutia of what we are missing. Because otherwise, you get The Song of Ice and Fire, and we all know how long it takes George R.R. Martin to write one of those books.

However, tropes aren't always great either. After all, the Italian American League might have a problem with Goon #1 and Goon #2 being typical Tony Soprano-like figures. Not all Italians are in the mafia, after all. Similarly, not all women exist just to be tragically killed and left in household appliances... What am I talking about? I'm talking about the trope called "Stuffed in the Fridge," which is when a hero's loved one, usually a wife/girlfriend is killed in a gruesome manner and then left around for the hero to find and tragically cry over. This cliche than gives the hero something fight for and becomes an easy way for the audience to compartmentalize what drives the hero to do the extreme things he is forced to do. Now, technically this trope can apply to any family member: mother, father, brother, sister, wife, pet dog Skippy, etc. However the dead character is more likely to be a woman and the hero character is more likely to be a man. If you don't believe me, check out Gail Simone's website Women in Refrigerators for a complete list of women in comics that have been killed off for no other reason than to motivate the men in their lives to do something.

This is going to take a lot of boxes of baking soda.

The trope itself comes from a now famous Green Lantern comic, where the villain, Major Force, kills Kyle Rayner's girlfriend, Alexandra DeWitt, and literally stuffs her into a refrigerator so that Kyle can find her mutilated body, like some two month old pastrami left in the back of the fridge. Like I said before, tropes have their places and they aren't all bad, but there is something particularly negative about this one. First off, it is lazy writing. If you want to motivate your characters than put a little more thought into the process that, "pissed-off over dead girlfriend." Secondly, it uses women characters as nothing more than cheap props who live and die at the whim of their male counterparts. Whenever a writer needs a quick motivating factor there always seems to be some vanilla girlfriend/wife character hanging around to kill off. I mean otherwise that character would just get in the hero's way, wanting him to settle down and be domesticated and all, because everyone knows that's all women want... right? (That was sarcasm folks) Basically the trope puts the female character at the beckon call of the male hero. She's not there to be a fully formed character, but a pretty face on a photograph that is clenched angrily in the righteous fist of our burly man-hero, as he wrestles with desire for vengeance and his guilt over not being able to save his bland, pretty, vaguely characterized love interest. This is a trope and a way of thinking that is all too, unfortunately, common, especially in comic books.

Maybe that's why I am enjoying the irony of Agent Carter. (Wait, did he just switch into doing a television review?) Peggy Carter, or Captain America's girlfriend, is proving very much that she will not be so quietly stuffed into some womanly appliance. The irony of the show is that it is the big strong hero, Captain America, who is in fact dead (well she thinks so anyway,) and it's his death that is one of the driving factors in Peggy's personal crusade. In this instance the hero is gone, (he may not be stuffed in a fridge but he is in a place that's plenty cold,) and it's the "unimportant," girlfriend character that is left to do the ass-kicking. It's a parallel that was made pretty stark in the last episode, "Bridge and Tunnel," where the entire show was interspersed with snippets of the fictionalized Captain America Adventure Hour radio serial, featuring a typical damsel in distress character that only exists so that the fictionalized fictionalized Captain America can save her from those 'damn Nazis.'

Carter even gets her own, "Refrigerator" moment, when she discovers her roommate dead in bed with a bullet straight through her temple. It was a pretty textbook example of the trope, as well. The gruesome yet pointless death of a person close to the hero, meant to serve as nothing more than a motivating factor to further that hero's guilt/anger and story, except that in this instance, the hero is a woman. Unfortunately the person who was "Stuffed in the Refrigerator" was also a woman.

Feminism

I will admit that, Agent Carter, isn't perfect. After all Peggy Carter is so busy being brilliant and infallible that she has almost no flaws to speak of as she outsmarts every sexist man in her office. She is not a hero like Tony Stark, who can be arrogant, or Peter Quill, who can be kind of an idiot at times. For better or worse, because she is Marvel's first leading lady, she has to be better than human, which is both commendable and a little sad. I mean, from a 2015 perspective it is pretty easy to be on Carter's side as she is faced with a brand of 1940's sexism that is so blatant it would make J. Jonah Jameson feel ashamed. After all, we may waggle our finger when Carter's boss makes her do filing work or get everyone a cup of coffee, but we still don't bat an eyelash when Black Widow is put in a skintight cat suit. Yet, it is hard for me to be too harsh on the morals of Agent Carter. After all, they may not be perfect but at least she isn't occupying space behind the milk carton in the back of Captain America's ice-box.

The Dream Walker

It's been a long week back at work and I am admittedly out of my usual clever and witty ideas for writing. So for your enjoyment I thought it would be fun if I reproduce a supplemental story I wrote for a role-playing campaign I am running for my friends. Enjoy.

Dreams are born,
Dreams are bred,
Dreams are thorns,
Dreams to dread.

The scent is like fire in my nostrils. It is not smell in the sense most mortals or men understand it, but something deeper. It comes to me through the world of dreams, the world of my reality. The place where the heavens bear themselves open to me, unbound by the mortal flesh, where I rule, where I walk, and where I hunt.

The trail is fresh and I have been following it for leagues now. It had eluded me for a time, but there is no limit to the dream. Distance is but an insignificant speck among the vastness of eternity to one such as me, but even so, I knew I was now close, in both body and soul. The cursed one believes himself safe from me, shielded by his monstrous master and her deceptions. No one is safe, for I hunt on the most dangerous field of all.

Only one of ten men pay me any mind as I pass through the massive stone gates and with a touch they soon forget what they saw. They always forget, or they die screaming in their sleep. Either way they do not trouble me further.

Most people abhor my methods, but they have not seen what I have seen. My own kin and kind banished me from their borders for the words I spoke, the actions I have taken, the distances I am willing to go. Evil is a word bound in the dreamless world, just a bit of wind carried by the voice of a mortal. It has no distinction in my holy mission. There is only one who guides my actions and she has granted me this quest. There is a beast that will consume us all and it is my sacred duty to put it to rest. I do not have the luxury of bending to the moral judgments of the lesser.

This dreamless world is a strange place to me, full of anger and hatred, men in suits of metal, and men in suits of delusion. I walk by them all, a ghost on the wind, a shade at the tip of remembering and dismissed the next moment as if never existing. Only did I find one who could stand up to me.

He tried to lock me away in a collar of metal and mechanics. I consumed his dreams, I stole his nightmares, and I devoured his soul. Now he lives in me, a small part, but enough. I added him to my collection of voices and now he whispers to me, telling me things I would not normally know, a useful voice in this world devoid of dreams and magic. Strange words like “steam,” “shroud,” and “Ministry” swim up through the void to fill my mind.

The forest around me is sweet. It smells clean and pure with a hint of the sea. I allow myself to drift from the path, unmissed by the steady river of travelers who move down the road around me. I am a whisper, blown away by the breeze. I put my hand to the tree and feel its life below my skin. A tree does not dream as a mortal, but it dreams its own dreams, it exists in both the dreamless world and on the great plains of vision and mind. It is a comforting anchor, a creature not unlike myself, who walks in both. I am reminded of home and its tall wide trees, a place of paradise where the dream and the dreamer could truly be one.

Mortals and men are blind to what lays around them, consumed by their dreamless worries. They cannot walk in both as I can. When I gaze upon them, mulling past me on the road, like ants marching in their lines, I see what they cannot. I see their flesh and their faces with my own mortal sense, but I also see their spirits, the worlds that spin around them like the hands on a clock, worlds they can only glimpse as they lay in their beds.

An ugly farmer, with a boil for a noise, swims in a world where he is beautiful. A small boy of no more than nine summers walks in a suit of armor, the small dog beside him a mighty warsteed. Another woman, fat with child, has dreams of her son. In them she sees him growing up strong and doing great deeds, while the child in her womb dreams only of warmth and comfort and a soft voice without face. Behind her a man, her husband, with a straight spine, but a crooked bent in his soul dreams of her death. His mind is full of women, wine, coin, and the one murder he has already committed. It was self-defense, but he liked the taste of it on his lips and hands. He craves more and desires less family.

I peer harder and see their future. I see her broken body, and the cry of an abandoned child. I see the sorrow that will consume them all and for a moment I want to reach out and stop it. It would only take a touch and the man would fall screaming, his blood thirst cut short before the dream can come to pass, and the road before them all would be sweeter for it. Yet I stop myself. It is not my mission, not my place. The lives of mortals are their own in this dreamless world. So I let them pass down the road, the path to their futures set.

Uncertainty is not the right word, but it is hard for me to express emotions to those that do not fully experience the places I walk. Words are dry husks of something more. They are dead leaves carried about by whim, giving only the most passing impression of the true world. Still, I feel the need to reaffirm my quest, to reach out and find the nightmare I have been chasing.

The beast is so close I can almost taste his foulness. It repulses me to touch him, but I must. I calm myself, reaching both inward and outward. I cannot falter in my holy mission, not when I am so close to witnessing its completion. Soon I will face my fate as all must.

The first mind I find is basic yet brave and loyal. I know the sensation well: a wolf, still a babe as it bends its will to his master. The master is also a youth, but just as brave and of keen mind. There is barely a hair on his chin, but he swirls with secrets and half-glimpsed futures. There are paths to destiny on his road, if he does not fall among the brambles.

Another mind reaches out to grab me, like some giant fish jumping at a fly skittering across the stream. It is not a conscious effort on the part of this man, only a reflex he has long forgotten. He is a man of my own kin, the people of the forest, and in a way we are all bound together in dream and spirit. He is old, much older than the last, and his mind is littered with squalor. There are dark corners to his nightmares, those he has suffered, and even worse those he has inflicted upon himself. He has a buried heart, but even among the dark swamp of his mind it still beats, softly, but steadily.

The next man’s mind is like a fire. It burns to touch, yet I cannot seem to pull myself away, for there is warmth there. Words like responsibility and strength echo the halls of the castles he builds in his dreams. He is resolute in his convictions, straight as elven steel and twice as strong. Yet, it is a sword that cuts both ways in both victory and failure. It is a mind that can break bonds or break bones.

Simple, is not the proper word to use for the next mind I find. He is far from simple. Perhaps, uncomplicated or earnest are more precise. There is a stoicism there that lights every dream, and even his wrath and anger feel somehow clean. It is rare to find a creature without duplicity or malice, but even rarer to find one who has suffered as he has. I watch his pain among a cauldron of broiling memories, and yet they never bubble over.

These are the allies of the demon I seek, the men I must surely cut through to reach him, like a surgeon cutting away skin and bone to reach an infected organ. They are bound to the beast as he is bound to them in strange links of fidelity and shared experience. They are killers all, but not wicked. They are both good and bad, but I am beyond such distinctions. They protect the greatest evil, the beast which will lay siege to the lands. Their lack of foreknowledge is no excuse, in fact it will make them all the more dangerous.

Finally, my dreams reach out and I find the great evil. It is so close that I almost feel myself wither before it, but I cannot yield, nor do I dare touch its mind fully. I will not alert it to what is to come. The creature's mind is a vault, sealed off with locks of twisted magic and utter vileness. To even approach the door would be to close it forever and lose my chance to end the coming horror before it is unleashed.

I stand up, but I have no memory of ever sitting. The body has a mind of its own, and it is not a mind even I can control. Still my legs are sore and the dreamless part of me wonders if I have been still for moments or moon-turns. It is always such when I go seeking in the plains of dreams and visions. Yet the power that my great goddess has granted me is not without limits, for I only know the generalities of my target’s location. I will need to hunt him in more mundane ways if I truly wish to succeed, but he will not be able to conceal himself forever.

Finally, I turn my weary legs back toward the road. The voice of the man, who tried to bind me in steam and steel, floats up to me unbidden. I gaze upon the magnificent walls and soaring towers of the land that lay in the distance, the land upon which my feet now points. Words like “Long Neck” and “Kitehawk” swirl like vague memories in my mind. I pull them to me, learning all I can from the soul that now lives inside me. I will need this knowledge in the time ahead.

A small part of me regrets the things I may have to do, but I salve such wounds with the reminder that a few deaths are a small sacrifice to stop the coming horror, where corpses will be heaped upon themselves like logs on a fire. I look again to the city in the distance and I wonder if anyone there senses what is among them. I doubt it. To me the beast stands naked in all his true horror, but to them he is nothing more than a stranger.

Please Don't Hack Me, Supreme Leader

I don't get why Kim Jong-Un finds these two morons so
threatening. I mean did he even see "This is the End?"

Sony Pictures has decided to cancel the release of The Interview with Seth Rogen and James Franco. This is the kind of thing I never thought would happen, (and obviously Rogen thought so as well considering it was only last Monday night that he was on Colbert plugging the movie.) There is something unsettling about this whole affair to me. Sony Pictures caved into terrorist demands almost immediately, basically capitulating to censorship sponsored by an enemy nation. There is going to be a lot of repercussions for this and I don't think they even realize it. Yet, I should give you a little background.

The Interview is Rogen's newest attempt at being funny. The plot centers around two journalists tasked by the CIA to kill Kim-Jong Un. When the movie was announced, North Korea did some cartoon-villain-like sabre rattling (because that's the only way they can really do anything.) No one paid it much mind, and the American government (rightly) said they would not step in and hinder the free speech of a private company. Fast forward to last week when Sony came under attack by hackers, with suspicions of North Korea being behind the attack. Then additional threats were made against theaters who had planned on showing the movie on its Christmas Day release date. After major theaters like AMC and Regal announced that they would not opt to show the movie in their theaters. Sony countered by announcing they would not release the movie at all, not in theaters, not on DVD, not on Netflix... not anywhere. Because why should the US government have to step in to censor artistic expression when corporations can do it for themselves.

Now before anyone gets all righteous about protecting innocents from terrorist attacks, there is one thing you should know. The hackers known as the GOP (not that GOP. That GOP has it's own unique way of hindering our country's progress.) The Guardians of Peace made violent threats against any theater that would screen The Interview on opening day (Christmas, which is one of the biggest opening movie days in the United States.) Those movie theaters that opted not open the Rogen film did not do so out of compassion and concern. After all, the premier of the movie was the GOP's main target and that had already happened in L.A. without so much as an anti-climatic fistfight between Franco and Toby McGuire. The rationale behind the theaters' decision was purely financial. They worried that the threats would keep people from going to the theaters on their most lucrative day of the year. (For theaters that day is like a special day... almost like a holiday where they receive lots of things they want... I can't think of a good metaphor... Let's call it their St. Patrick's Day.) So AMC, Regal, and all the rest made a decision to not take the risk and denied screening The Interview. In response, Sony decided to cancel the release entirely instead of risking taking a bigger hit on the movie's returns than they had to. You see, if Sony cancels a movie, completely, under these circumstance they can recoup some of their loses through insurance, but if they risk doing a release and the movie bombs they also risk making back even less of their profits. Sony opted for the safe choice, and canceled to collect on the insurance, but what does that mean for the rest of us and the entertainment industry as a whole?

Kim Jong-Un could only wish he would ever be this cool.

Well... before we jump into the long lasting implications, let's get one thing straight. This was a cyber attack made by a foreign country. The FBI confirmed that the hack came from North Korean agents, which honestly wasn't that hard to figure out. I mean just look at the attackers released statements: "We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places The Interview be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to... We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time. (If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)" I mean c'mon. Those statements were either made by North Koreans who only have the most basic grasp of English or they're the lyrics to Kayne West's next single. If you're going to make threats to America the least you can do is run them through one of those translators you captured. Even ISIS has that much courtesy. (Also what kind of jackass uses parenthetical statements when trying to make a point?)

Truthfully, I am just kind of impressed that there are agents in North Korea that know how to work an AOL account, (or DKRPOL account?) because from all reports, North Korea doesn't even have the Internet. Thus if there are a few trusted agents in North Korea that are allowed to access the world wide web, I'm just surprised... Not so much that they have the skills to accomplish their goal, but that they found the time between all the porn and kitten videos they must been splurging on. I mean can you imagine growing up in a country that has never had the Internet and then suddenly being allowed to play around in a world where you can find a video of a dramatic chipmunk. Hell, even while inserting that last link I had to watch that clip six times before I could get back to being productive, and I've seen it literally hundreds of times before. I'm surprised these North Korean hackers didn't go into some kind of future-shock-like masturbation comma from all the wonders they probably experienced for the first time while trying to stay focused on hacking Sony. Heck, I wouldn't have been shocked if you told me that those agents hacked Sony, started watching the Amazing Spider-Man 2, immediately started a judgey Internet blog so they could criticize how bad it was, and then just hacked Sony out of pure frustration. #TobyMcGuireIsMyDearLeader

And if you enjoyed that last paragraph, than you have a sense of humor. If you didn't enjoy it, than you probably have a better sense of humor than me, but that's not the point. The point is that in North Korea I would be shot for making those statements. My entire family down to three generations would be forced into labor camps or outright killed because of what I just said. Humor is what separates us from our enemies. The fact that we can not only laugh in the face of our enemies, (and ourselves) but have the institutional and personal freedoms to actively do so is incredibly precious. Stop and think about it for a moment. Not only do we NOT live in a country where people like Jon Stewart are dragged out into the street and shot by secret police, but we live in a country where Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are celebrated for their humor. We used to even live in a world where a major motion picture company was willing to shell out hundreds of millions dollars to Rogen and Franco to make a movie about making fun of a brutal dictator. Now we live in a world where that same corporation will impose its censorship out of fear and threats to their bottom-line.

"I know who to bwame...Bwing me the hwead of
Judd Apatowww'"

So what does this mean for the entertainment industry and the larger world as a whole? Well it means that people are going to start tip-toeing around their content. Already a planned Steve Carell movie has been canceled because the setting is North Korea. Maybe Comedy Central will start to worry about repercussions and hackers and start censoring Colbert (RIP,) Stewart, and South Park (this seems unlikely, but there is now a precedent.) As a writer who has insulted North Korea on (several) occasions, and who is currently working on a novel that portrays more than a few countries in a less than glowing light, I worry what this may mean for me. Will I have to start self censoring myself because I insulted Dr. Crazypants Kim Jong-Unhinged? What if I say something bad about Putin or the Chinese government? Will my book get published? Will my publishers get spooked or get hacked? Will they cancel that sweet sweet book tour I have been waiting for my entire life? (First stop Pyongyang Barnes and Nobles.)

The irony is that I'm not even a fan or Rogen and Franco. I was never big on drug humor and dick jokes, which seems to be their specialty. I wasn't even planning on seeing this movie, but now I feel as if it is my obligation to see it. In fact it was Mitt Romney, the humorless android who one day hope to be a real boy, that actually made the best suggest. Let's stream this movie online for free, and give people the option to donate $5.00 to combat the Ebola epidemic. Not only then would we be giving a huge middle finger to our enemies but we would be raising money for a good cause as well. Regardless, this has become an important movie, not despite its humor, but because of its humor.

The ability to laugh is extremely important to our society. It's not just about frivolity or getting a chuckle once in a while. It helps us to not take ourselves or the world too seriously. Lewis Black has a great rant about this subject where he says, "Patriotism and religion are only in balance when they have a sense of humor. When they don't, things go awry." When countries and people begin to lose their ability for silliness and parody you get extremism, much like in North Korea. I can't help but draw parallels between what is going on now and Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator, where he lampooned Adolf Hitler at the height of his power. That movie was not only released but was nominated for five Oscars. Let's be honest Hitler was a lot more of a legitimate threat that Kim ever was, except Kim has proven a threat to Sony's quarterly reports and now it is the rest of us that are going to pay the price. Yet, the problem with extortion and terroristic threats is that they don't end. You give into one and (like feeding stray cats who are strapped with vests of C4) they keep coming back expecting more. This short-sighted and cowardly move could very well be the first step down a very slippery and very unfunny slope.