Thus Ends the Age of Super-Villainy

"You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!"

Ding Dong, Kim Jong is dead. The North Korean dictator died of congestive heart failure on December 17th while traveling on his armored train (possibly made of gold). I prefer to think that the train went plummeting into a huge ravine before exploding in a fiery CGI-enhanced explosion, all while Kim Jong-Il screamed, "You have not seen the last of me, Mr. Bond!" Whatever the case, today we mark the passing of one of the world's last super-villains. Like Palpatine, Sauron, Hitler, and Barney, Kim Jong-Il's life was cut short in the prime of his evilness.

Truly, a modern-day Dr. Doom, Kim Jong-Il had a small yet impressive list of villainous acts. Chief among them was the systematical starvation of his people by a government directive that emphasized nuclear weapons over food. In 1983, he ordered the bombing of Rangoon, Burma which killed 17 South Korean officials, and in 1987 he ordered the bombing of Korean Air Flight 858, which killed 115 people. He commanded the world's fourth largest standing army, and had control of a working nuclear program. The North Korean despot even proved his evil roots early in life. It is believed, that as a child, he had a hand in the drowning of his brother, Kim Pyong-Il. Yet, what truly defines Kim Jong-Il's Saturday morning cartoon-like villainy is not the terrible acts and pain he is responsible for, but the seemingly senseless and random way in which he enacted those plans. (Also he was frelling crazy.)

The more you study the Great Leader the more you see the comparisons between him and the bad-guy of any pulp-comic. For example, when he once found himself injured from falling off his horse, he was so afraid of becoming addicted to pain-killers, that he ordered the members of his administration to take the same daily dosages of pain killers as him. This way he wouldn't be the only one hooked on the drug. On another occasion, he ordered the systematic removal and exile of people who were considered disabled and/or short from Pyongyang. Like any good leader he of course did not include himself in this demographic as he usually wore 4-inch platform shoes. He was also such a fan of films (among his favorites were Friday the 13th, Rambo, and Godzilla) that he had South Korean film director, Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife, Choi Eun-hee, kidnapped so that they could make a bad Godzilla rip-off for him. He also imprisoned two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, and then promptly released them because he got have his picture taken with Bill Clinton. Yet all of that may diminish in the light that he maintained an entire FAKE and functioning city, named Kijon-Dong, a few miles north of the South Korean border. The propaganda city is completely abandoned except for the few government workers that operate street sweepers, and are ordered to keep up the illusion of activity.

In North Korea this is how they
play Where's Waldo

Like any good villain he not only made sure to have a distinctive look (which he claimed became a world-wide fashion trend), but he made sure that his subjects would worship him like a deity. Among the more wild beliefs spread about Dear Leader, was that Kim Jong-Il was born in a secret mountain military fortress, and his coming was foretold by a swallow, and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow, (it's so beautiful.) It was also proclaimed that the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea could control the weather, that he invented the hamburger, and that he once shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course (including 5 holes in one,) yet he still had less women than Tiger Woods.

On a personal level, (as I mentioned above,) he was a big movie buff. He owned more than 20,000 videos and DVDs, and his favorite actress was Elizabeth Taylor. He was heavily involved in the production of the North Korean movie, Diary of a Girl Student. He was the author of a book titled, On the Art of the Cinema. His favorite sport was basketball and one of his most prized possessions was an autographed Michael Jordan basketball that was presented to him by Madeleine Albright. His son (while attending school in Switzerland under an assumed name) is rumored to have actually met and talked with Kobe Bryant (presumably at a monthly League of Evil meeting). The dictator's official biography claims that he has composed six operas, and that he routinely stages elaborate musicals.

In review, I think the real problem with making the comparison of Kim Jong-Il and any fictional super-villain is that if Kim Jong was a comic book character, no one would find him believable. The biggest problem is that, much like Gargamel, the North Korean Dictator never had very clear motives. He was not fueled by religious zealotry, a desire for oil, or even an intense hatred of the West. Even his desires of global domination always seemed some-what vague and transitory. One of his only clear goals was to obtain the nuclear missile, which he did, but even to this day nobody is quite sure why or for what reason he really wanted it.

So maybe Kim Jong-Il isn't exactly Dr. Doom, (though I don't think I would have put it past him to have a strong belief in magic and a robotic suit stashed in his closet,) and maybe he was really just more crazy than Evil. If anything that probably puts him more on par with someone like Mirror Master more than with Lex Luthor. However, he did have some villainous street cred, and we can't deny that the world is probably a far better place with him not in it. So as we look back on the past year, let us not forget the passing of one of our world's strangest and possibly last true super-villains, nor the heroics of the brave men and women of MI6 which brought about this momentous day.


The world will never see their like again... hopefully...