In honor of the fact that no one in the public is probably ever going to see the novel I just finished writing I have decided to list the top ten books/pieces of writing that none of us shall ever get to read... Mostly because they are fictional... and I don't mean they are fiction books, I mean that they are completely fiction... they don't exist. I tried to keep the list limited to fictional books, plays, and in one instance a newspaper article, (and a few instructional books.) However, I felt it best to exclude highly-technical fictional works such as Starfleet's General Orders, the technical schematics for the Incom T-65 X-Wing, or the Superhero Registration Act.
Honorable Mentions: Faster Than the Speed of Love, by Brian Griffin; The Neverending Story, by Unknown Author, The Philosphy of Time Travel by Roberta Sparrow; The Labryinth, by Unknown Playwright; Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, by Dennis Reynolds; The Coffee Table Book, by Cosmo Kramer; the Encyclopedia Galatica (by Issac Assimov); and Dealbreakers: A Girl's Guide to Shutting it Down, by Liz Lemon.
10. The Big Book of War by Zapp Brannigan (Futurama)
Synopsis: Written by Rear Brigadier General Major Webelo, Captain Zapp Brannigan, perhaps one of the most decorated and well known starship captains of the Democratic Order of Planets, the Big Book of War describes many of Captain Brannigan's own strategies on how he won some his most famous campaigns, such as his defeat of the Pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, his victory over the Killbots of the Auctilian system, or his heroic conquest of the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula. Learn the secrets of war from the man who wrote a book on it, literally.
Amazon User Review: Twenty four and a Half Stars: I simply could not put it down. I was not truly a man till I read this book. Captain Brannigan has inspired me both personally and sexually. -user:CaptainVelourLover1729
9. The Man Inside Me by Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development)
Synopsis: In this breakthrough book, The Man Inside Me. Dr. Tobais Fünke combines a new theory of psychotherapy along with stories of his own struggles in life, to touch men everywhere. For there is a man inside all of us, and only when he is finally out can we walk free of pain. This book will help show you "the you" that you have put away and hid from the world, hung up like a forgotten coat. Now is the time to get down off that hanger and step from that closet and proclaim to the world that, "No longer will I be kept in. I am out and I am proud."
Amazon User Review: Five Stars: This book changed my life. When my analrapist first recommended it, I was wary, but coupled with my prescription for Teamocil, this book has truly changed my life. Never again will I shrink down, limp like a scared turtle, afraid of who I am. Instead, now whenever I meet another man I will proudly stand up straight and tall, ready for action. -user:Pirateparty96
8. A Match Made in Space by George McFly (Back to the Future)
Synopsis: In his debut novel, author George McFly gives us a fascinating look into a world of love and aliens. Taking place in 1950's suburban California, A Match Made in Space tells the tale of a young and awkward high school teenager, the girl of his unrequited affection, and their friendship with a being from beyond the stars. Together they explore the galaxy and the emotions of the human heart. A classic science fiction novel with a love story twist this book will lift you from the ground and leave you on another planet.
Amazon User Review: One and a Half Stars: Great Scott, this book was completely and utterly scientifically inaccurate. HG Wells is rolling in his grave. I mean the aliens did not make any sense at all. This story could have just as easily been about people from the future. -user:Doctor121
7. Handbook for the Recently Deceased (Beetlejuice)
Synopsis: Are you prepared for your afterlife? Do you have many questions about what lays beyond the mortal coil? In the Handbook for the Recently Deceased, you will find all the answers and guidance you will need. Whether you have a question about etiquette during your own funeral, the existence of God, sex in the afterlife, or even if you are just looking for tips on haunting, this handbook tells it all. Caution: This book is not meant for mortal eyes. Attention all mortals, get this book now for the special Kindle sales price of $0.99.
Amazon User Review: Three Stars: Personally, I never needed it, but I can see how some chumps feel like they would need a safety blanket for death. I mean it's not really complicated when you think about it. Dead is dead, am I right? Come on... Right? -user:SayMyName3x
6. How I Did It by Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Young Frankenstein)
Synopsis: Pronoucned Fronk-en-steen this book laid buried for years until it was rediscovered by the doctor's great grandson Fredrick. Mostly journal entries and scientific notes, the book helps lay out Dr. Frankenstein's miraculous findings on the techniques he used to conquer death. Though results can often be mixed and ethically questionable, you cannot argue with the the wow factor of using lightning in lab experimentation.
Amazon User Review: Four Stars: Me like book. Me get it on Kindle... Ahh, fire bad! -user:NotMonster123
5. Advanced Potion Making by Libatus Borage (and Severus Snape) (Harry Potter)
Synopsis: This book is a limited edition copy of the text book for advanced potion making class for year-six students at Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. With annotations by a student known as the Half-Blood Prince, this is one of the most useful text books a student will ever own. Whether you are looking to improve your polyjuice potions or learn a particularly vicious new spell meant for your enemies this book will have something for everyone, Sytherin and Griffindor alike.
Amazon User Review: Two Stars: Though this book is a tool of education, and I certainly endorse the learning of knowledge, especially through reading, many of the annotations are dangerous and if used improperly can be turned toward darker arts. I caution anyone purchasing this book to not do so, -user:Gr4ng3r1997
4. Why the World Needs Superman by Lois Lane (DC Comics)
Synopsis: A reprint of the Pulitzer Prize winning article by Daily Planet Reporter Lois Lane Why the World Needs Superman, the piece describes the Man of Steel in his own words and in his own deeds. Conducted through a series of interviews with Superman, Lane is able to show a real human-side to this alien from another world. This was the article that first introduced us to our larger-than-life hero, and made us believe that a man really could fly.
Amazon User Review: Three and a Half Stars: Superman has done a lot of good in the world, but sitting down to answer the questions of a reporter is always a mistake. Heroes are meant to work from the shadows. It is not about publicity. It is about justice. -user:BWayne1223
3. There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit)
Synopsis: The heroic tale of the Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, as he travels from his warm and comfy hobbit hole to the darkest reaches of the forest and the deepest dragon filled caves of the East. Hear the tale told in Bilbo's own words and through the eyes of a Hobbit who had once thought the most thrilling thing in life was to put up his feet while smoking his pipe.
Amazon User Review: One Star: Very unoriginal. This is basically the exact same book as the Hobbit, but told from the perspective of Bilbo. Worse yet, the author has no natural skill in writing. This might as well be poorly written fan fiction. I don't think Baggins has even heard of a punctuation mark, and all that flowery script just makes the book impossible to read. Don't waste your time on this one. -user: HipsterMcHippy82
2. Tobin's Spirit Guide by Jonathon Horace Tobin (Ghostbusters)
Synopsis: A compendium of different spectres, spooks, and spirits all encountered and catalogued throughout the life of the author. Original publication date is unknown, but most estimates put it before the Second World War. New publications have been updated with expanded information, with many additional information supplied by Dr. Egon Spengler. This is a must have book for any professional or amateur ghost-hunter.
Amazon User Review: Four and Half Stars: Truly the most complete and comprehensive guide to all ectoplasmic entities currently residing in our corporeal realm. It is amazing the details that Tobin was able to find with his primitive methods of ghostbusting. I just wish his entries on focused, non-terminal repeating phantasms were more detailed. That little spud has put our food bill through the roof. -user:DrRayman81
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Megadodo Publications (HGTTG)
Synopsis: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway? It's already supplanted the Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for two important reasons. First, it's slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC printed in large friendly letters on its cover.
Amazon User Review: No Stars: Why even bother. There is no way you will read the whole thing, and therefore you will die of being ill-prepared. Everything dies, even me, and I'm not even alive. I've depressed myself again. -user:HeartofMarvin
Non-Applicable Mentions: For the records I would have replaced Number 5 with the Tales of Beedle the Bard, but Rowling already went ahead and made that into a printed a book. Similarly, I probably would have replaced number 4 with Under the Hood by Holis Mason, but Alan Moore already printed most of that as supplemental material to the Watchmen comics.
Honorable Mentions: Faster Than the Speed of Love, by Brian Griffin; The Neverending Story, by Unknown Author, The Philosphy of Time Travel by Roberta Sparrow; The Labryinth, by Unknown Playwright; Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, by Dennis Reynolds; The Coffee Table Book, by Cosmo Kramer; the Encyclopedia Galatica (by Issac Assimov); and Dealbreakers: A Girl's Guide to Shutting it Down, by Liz Lemon.
10. The Big Book of War by Zapp Brannigan (Futurama)
Amazon User Review: Twenty four and a Half Stars: I simply could not put it down. I was not truly a man till I read this book. Captain Brannigan has inspired me both personally and sexually. -user:CaptainVelourLover1729
9. The Man Inside Me by Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development)
Amazon User Review: Five Stars: This book changed my life. When my analrapist first recommended it, I was wary, but coupled with my prescription for Teamocil, this book has truly changed my life. Never again will I shrink down, limp like a scared turtle, afraid of who I am. Instead, now whenever I meet another man I will proudly stand up straight and tall, ready for action. -user:Pirateparty96
8. A Match Made in Space by George McFly (Back to the Future)
Amazon User Review: One and a Half Stars: Great Scott, this book was completely and utterly scientifically inaccurate. HG Wells is rolling in his grave. I mean the aliens did not make any sense at all. This story could have just as easily been about people from the future. -user:Doctor121
7. Handbook for the Recently Deceased (Beetlejuice)
Amazon User Review: Three Stars: Personally, I never needed it, but I can see how some chumps feel like they would need a safety blanket for death. I mean it's not really complicated when you think about it. Dead is dead, am I right? Come on... Right? -user:SayMyName3x
6. How I Did It by Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Young Frankenstein)
Amazon User Review: Four Stars: Me like book. Me get it on Kindle... Ahh, fire bad! -user:NotMonster123
5. Advanced Potion Making by Libatus Borage (and Severus Snape) (Harry Potter)
Amazon User Review: Two Stars: Though this book is a tool of education, and I certainly endorse the learning of knowledge, especially through reading, many of the annotations are dangerous and if used improperly can be turned toward darker arts. I caution anyone purchasing this book to not do so, -user:Gr4ng3r1997
4. Why the World Needs Superman by Lois Lane (DC Comics)
Amazon User Review: Three and a Half Stars: Superman has done a lot of good in the world, but sitting down to answer the questions of a reporter is always a mistake. Heroes are meant to work from the shadows. It is not about publicity. It is about justice. -user:BWayne1223
3. There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit)
Amazon User Review: One Star: Very unoriginal. This is basically the exact same book as the Hobbit, but told from the perspective of Bilbo. Worse yet, the author has no natural skill in writing. This might as well be poorly written fan fiction. I don't think Baggins has even heard of a punctuation mark, and all that flowery script just makes the book impossible to read. Don't waste your time on this one. -user: HipsterMcHippy82
2. Tobin's Spirit Guide by Jonathon Horace Tobin (Ghostbusters)
Amazon User Review: Four and Half Stars: Truly the most complete and comprehensive guide to all ectoplasmic entities currently residing in our corporeal realm. It is amazing the details that Tobin was able to find with his primitive methods of ghostbusting. I just wish his entries on focused, non-terminal repeating phantasms were more detailed. That little spud has put our food bill through the roof. -user:DrRayman81
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Megadodo Publications (HGTTG)
Amazon User Review: No Stars: Why even bother. There is no way you will read the whole thing, and therefore you will die of being ill-prepared. Everything dies, even me, and I'm not even alive. I've depressed myself again. -user:HeartofMarvin
Non-Applicable Mentions: For the records I would have replaced Number 5 with the Tales of Beedle the Bard, but Rowling already went ahead and made that into a printed a book. Similarly, I probably would have replaced number 4 with Under the Hood by Holis Mason, but Alan Moore already printed most of that as supplemental material to the Watchmen comics.
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