Jersey Sure

This is an article that I have written at least three times in my small and meager writing career, (mostly for local and school publications,) but it is an article that bears repeating. I know everyone has a special place for their home state in their heart, but for many New Jerseyians it sometimes gets hard to defend our state from others, especially when there is so much ammo out there available.

 

This all comes about because this Thursday marks the premiere of the sixth and (mercifully) final season of a certain program on MTV. (Spoiler: Alert) In the series finale the cast of the Jersey Shore realizes that they are like 45 frelling years-old and its about time they stopped spending every night getting drunk and committing statutory rape, and went out and got real jobs... Nah, I'm just kidding, that's never going to happen... Really, the show will end by them all finding out they have VD, and I am pretty sure Snooki returns and eats J-Woww... like with a fork.

 

The Jersey Shore is just one of the many examples of the negative Jersey-stereotypes being pushed on the international community of TV watchers. Other shows like The Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Jerseylicious (sic?) are all part of a trend of Jerseyplotation that has really cemented the bad name of my beloved state. Yet in all fairness, Jersey has had its bad rap for decades before The Situation ever polluted the beaches of the shore. Go back even as far as the 70's and you'll find "Dirty Jersey" jokes littered among movies and pop culture references, mostly due to our position as New York's reluctant step-brother.

Everyone in NJ has a "Friend of a Friend" story about a
Jersey Devil sighting. They are usually brief and terrifying

In the words of a columnist in the Bergen Record (whose name I have forgotten) "There is no reason why the rest of the country should treat New Jersey the way New Jersey treats Seaside Heights." The point being is that we are not a state full of fist-pumping, steroid taking, Italian flag-waving, Mafioso-wannabe, Bruce Springsteen-hugging, over-tanned, under-dressed, gold-chain-wearing, stuck-in-the-eighties, walking stereotypes... Well, not all of us, anyway.

 

You may see us as a stereotype of loud, obnoxious, guidos stuck in filthy urban sprawl, but that is only because you are thinking of Staten Island. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas, but don't let that fool you. Leaving New York City you have to drive through places like Jersey City, Newark, Fort Lee, and leaving Philadelphia you could find yourself in Camden, (and no one wants to just find themselves in Camden.) Now, as our gateways to the major cities, these are not the most flattering first impressions, but they are only a small part of the picture. In between those two points are mountains, miles and miles of forests (what we call the Pine Barrens,) acres of farmland, and more than our fair share of people who enthusiastically nod when Jeff Foxworthy quizzes them on their status as Rednecks. New Jersey is actually one of the most geographically diverse states in the Union, boasting everything from the highest altitude along the eastern seaboard, at Highpoint, NJ, to the low-lying vinelands of Southern Jersey, to over fifty historic beach towns, including Cape May, (the oldest one in America.) We may have the largest petroleum containment area outside the Middle East (which is why our gas will always be at least 10 cents cheaper than yours,) but New Jersey is also the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production, not to mention Jersey tomatoes, eggplant, and sweet corn, all of which are renowned throughout the world as being among the best.

So maybe you see New Jersey as some kind of Soprano-land mafia state… You’re kind of right... but if it wasn’t for our Mafioso friends and our other non-connected Italian immigrants we would be out of some of the best things about my home state. I'm talking about Italian sausage and pepper, real and authentic pasta, Mediterranean cuisine, and some of the best damn pizza that you will find anywhere in the world. I should really amend that statement and say "some of the best food in the world." Because my little state is also one of the most diversely ethnic states in the union, (despite what MTV wants you to think). We have people with backgrounds from every country in the world living here. Union City even has more Cubans per square mile than Havana, Cuba. That means you can can find almost any type of food you have a craving for, Cuban, Greek, Portuguese, Polish, German, Irish, anything... and they have all brought their best recipes to New Jersey. Yet, let's not forget about the diners. NJ has more diners than any place in the world. That means anytime you are hungry, drunk, or both there is usually a place where you can get anything from breakfast to burgers to cheesecake and bottomless coffee, at all hours of the day. (I need to stop writing blogs around lunch time.)

Now I'll try not to waste your time with anymore statistics, (such as, how in New Jersey's coastal waters there have been no major die-offs of fish or bottom-dwelling sea-creatures in the last decade, due in large part to the fact the NJ has the most stringent water quality control testing policies in the entire country;) or facts, (such as how NJ was the third state to ratify the Constitution on December 18, 1787, only 11 days after the first state, Delaware;) or even the usual Jersey-gripping, (even though the NY Giants/Jets Stadium is actually in New Jersey, along with the Statue of Liberty.) For all the rest of the facts and more you can go here and for all the inside jokes you can go here.

 

Sightings of the creature known
as Snooki can often be as
terrifying, but unfortuantely
not as brief.

New Jersey has always had a rather unique identity, mostly because of the evident split that occurs within our borders. There is South, North and (much like "y") sometimes Central, but lets focus on North Jersey (which is where I am from.) Eastern North Jersey is closer to the stereotypical New Jersey that everyone expects to see on TV. That is because of the proximity of that side of the state to New York, and of course New York City is one of the largest metropolitan hubs for people, information, and media. Thus, the jokes that New Yorkers used to make about New Jersey in private have tended to find themselves embedded in the culture. Unfortunately, in our culture the bad will always outshine the good, so when people think of New Jersey they don't think, "Hey that's the place where Edison used to live, or where they played the first ever baseball game.." No, people tend to think, "Hey look at me, I like Bon Jovie and I'm from New Joisy." (again you idiots, that's a Staten Island accent, or even sometimes a Brooklyn accent.)
 

Unfortunately, this wave of Jerseyplotation is only showing signs of getting worse. Jersey Shore might be coming to end, but rest assured whether you are talking about tough talking cake-bakers who live in Hoboken or women running a beauty salon in Freehold, this trend isn't going away soon.

"New Jersey has become like an industrial ingredient for reality TV," says Hugh Curnutt, media history professor at Montclair State University. "If you’re in California and you hear about a new reality TV show about New Jersey, you already know that it’s probably about Italian-Americans, family, culture and it will tend to follow the caricatures that are on other shows. That may not be what people want to see but that’s what they’re given to see." NJ Becomes Reality Mainstay

Admittedly, driving in NJ is a much more
complex issue, of which I would require a
degree in advanced geometry to explain, but
sufficed to say, in Jersey, three rights don't
always equal a left (3R ≈ L)

And despite the protests of Italian-American organizations, NJ Governor Chris Christie, and most of the State of New Jersey below New Brunswick, we are going to let it keep happening, and for one reason... money. Take for example the shore-town of Seaside Heights. Seaside was the scummiest, lowest-class, most screwed-up of all the Jersey shore towns. It was the place you went after prom for the weekend, because you knew you could get a shore-house, get cases and cases of beer, wreck the house you were renting, (I mean literally put holes in the plaster walls,) and suffer no consequences for any of it, as a seventeen year-old high school student, (maybe that much has not changed,) but thanks to the cast of the Jersey Shore and the spectacle of reality TV, Seaside Heights and its local merchants have turned their crappy little shore town into a gold mine of profit. The beaches are more packed than ever, there is even a booming winter crowd (practically unheard of eight years ago) of international tourists that are now making pilgrimages to Seaside just to walk upon its ground. I know this because I personally escorted an Aussie there and watched as she took pictures of the their house (?!?), got ripped off for "official" Jersey shore t-shirts, and generally pumped her money into the Seaside economy harder than the cast of Jersey Shore can pump their fists after their eighth shot of jagermeister, (or whatever some-such nonesense the kids are drinking today...) She wasn't the only one either. In taxes alone NJ is making a lot of money off this craze, but that also begs the question, "What is your soul worth?"

Ironically, reality TV is one of the only job markets that seems to be growing in New Jersey these days. Maybe that is the true solution to the down-heading economy. Maybe we should all just act like idiots and 2D caricatures in front of a camera and get our own reality shows. (Though if any TV executives are reading this I might consider accepting a position in a new reality show called Nerd Jersey... but only if I get a producing credit as well...) After all, the rest of the country (and parts of the world) seem to already see us as just a state full of big-haired, atomic-tanned, loud mouthed, jack asses... It must be true... I mean there is no possible way we could be a state that also had people who are doctors, policemen, teachers, firemen, soldiers, scientists, writers, husbands, fathers, mothers, sisters, or anything quite so mundane... As you can tell I'm still not too thrilled with the way six idiots and their counter-parts get to portray my state for the world to see. There is so much more to New Jersey than beaches and pollution. The only real solution I can offer, is that you should come and see it for yourself. At the very least, you'll get a good meal... I mean you should eat something... You're looking a little thin...