Please Don't Hack Me, Supreme Leader

I don't get why Kim Jong-Un finds these two morons so
threatening. I mean did he even see "This is the End?"

Sony Pictures has decided to cancel the release of The Interview with Seth Rogen and James Franco. This is the kind of thing I never thought would happen, (and obviously Rogen thought so as well considering it was only last Monday night that he was on Colbert plugging the movie.) There is something unsettling about this whole affair to me. Sony Pictures caved into terrorist demands almost immediately, basically capitulating to censorship sponsored by an enemy nation. There is going to be a lot of repercussions for this and I don't think they even realize it. Yet, I should give you a little background.

The Interview is Rogen's newest attempt at being funny. The plot centers around two journalists tasked by the CIA to kill Kim-Jong Un. When the movie was announced, North Korea did some cartoon-villain-like sabre rattling (because that's the only way they can really do anything.) No one paid it much mind, and the American government (rightly) said they would not step in and hinder the free speech of a private company. Fast forward to last week when Sony came under attack by hackers, with suspicions of North Korea being behind the attack. Then additional threats were made against theaters who had planned on showing the movie on its Christmas Day release date. After major theaters like AMC and Regal announced that they would not opt to show the movie in their theaters. Sony countered by announcing they would not release the movie at all, not in theaters, not on DVD, not on Netflix... not anywhere. Because why should the US government have to step in to censor artistic expression when corporations can do it for themselves.

Now before anyone gets all righteous about protecting innocents from terrorist attacks, there is one thing you should know. The hackers known as the GOP (not that GOP. That GOP has it's own unique way of hindering our country's progress.) The Guardians of Peace made violent threats against any theater that would screen The Interview on opening day (Christmas, which is one of the biggest opening movie days in the United States.) Those movie theaters that opted not open the Rogen film did not do so out of compassion and concern. After all, the premier of the movie was the GOP's main target and that had already happened in L.A. without so much as an anti-climatic fistfight between Franco and Toby McGuire. The rationale behind the theaters' decision was purely financial. They worried that the threats would keep people from going to the theaters on their most lucrative day of the year. (For theaters that day is like a special day... almost like a holiday where they receive lots of things they want... I can't think of a good metaphor... Let's call it their St. Patrick's Day.) So AMC, Regal, and all the rest made a decision to not take the risk and denied screening The Interview. In response, Sony decided to cancel the release entirely instead of risking taking a bigger hit on the movie's returns than they had to. You see, if Sony cancels a movie, completely, under these circumstance they can recoup some of their loses through insurance, but if they risk doing a release and the movie bombs they also risk making back even less of their profits. Sony opted for the safe choice, and canceled to collect on the insurance, but what does that mean for the rest of us and the entertainment industry as a whole?

Kim Jong-Un could only wish he would ever be this cool.

Well... before we jump into the long lasting implications, let's get one thing straight. This was a cyber attack made by a foreign country. The FBI confirmed that the hack came from North Korean agents, which honestly wasn't that hard to figure out. I mean just look at the attackers released statements: "We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places The Interview be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to... We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time. (If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)" I mean c'mon. Those statements were either made by North Koreans who only have the most basic grasp of English or they're the lyrics to Kayne West's next single. If you're going to make threats to America the least you can do is run them through one of those translators you captured. Even ISIS has that much courtesy. (Also what kind of jackass uses parenthetical statements when trying to make a point?)

Truthfully, I am just kind of impressed that there are agents in North Korea that know how to work an AOL account, (or DKRPOL account?) because from all reports, North Korea doesn't even have the Internet. Thus if there are a few trusted agents in North Korea that are allowed to access the world wide web, I'm just surprised... Not so much that they have the skills to accomplish their goal, but that they found the time between all the porn and kitten videos they must been splurging on. I mean can you imagine growing up in a country that has never had the Internet and then suddenly being allowed to play around in a world where you can find a video of a dramatic chipmunk. Hell, even while inserting that last link I had to watch that clip six times before I could get back to being productive, and I've seen it literally hundreds of times before. I'm surprised these North Korean hackers didn't go into some kind of future-shock-like masturbation comma from all the wonders they probably experienced for the first time while trying to stay focused on hacking Sony. Heck, I wouldn't have been shocked if you told me that those agents hacked Sony, started watching the Amazing Spider-Man 2, immediately started a judgey Internet blog so they could criticize how bad it was, and then just hacked Sony out of pure frustration. #TobyMcGuireIsMyDearLeader

And if you enjoyed that last paragraph, than you have a sense of humor. If you didn't enjoy it, than you probably have a better sense of humor than me, but that's not the point. The point is that in North Korea I would be shot for making those statements. My entire family down to three generations would be forced into labor camps or outright killed because of what I just said. Humor is what separates us from our enemies. The fact that we can not only laugh in the face of our enemies, (and ourselves) but have the institutional and personal freedoms to actively do so is incredibly precious. Stop and think about it for a moment. Not only do we NOT live in a country where people like Jon Stewart are dragged out into the street and shot by secret police, but we live in a country where Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are celebrated for their humor. We used to even live in a world where a major motion picture company was willing to shell out hundreds of millions dollars to Rogen and Franco to make a movie about making fun of a brutal dictator. Now we live in a world where that same corporation will impose its censorship out of fear and threats to their bottom-line.

"I know who to bwame...Bwing me the hwead of
Judd Apatowww'"

So what does this mean for the entertainment industry and the larger world as a whole? Well it means that people are going to start tip-toeing around their content. Already a planned Steve Carell movie has been canceled because the setting is North Korea. Maybe Comedy Central will start to worry about repercussions and hackers and start censoring Colbert (RIP,) Stewart, and South Park (this seems unlikely, but there is now a precedent.) As a writer who has insulted North Korea on (several) occasions, and who is currently working on a novel that portrays more than a few countries in a less than glowing light, I worry what this may mean for me. Will I have to start self censoring myself because I insulted Dr. Crazypants Kim Jong-Unhinged? What if I say something bad about Putin or the Chinese government? Will my book get published? Will my publishers get spooked or get hacked? Will they cancel that sweet sweet book tour I have been waiting for my entire life? (First stop Pyongyang Barnes and Nobles.)

The irony is that I'm not even a fan or Rogen and Franco. I was never big on drug humor and dick jokes, which seems to be their specialty. I wasn't even planning on seeing this movie, but now I feel as if it is my obligation to see it. In fact it was Mitt Romney, the humorless android who one day hope to be a real boy, that actually made the best suggest. Let's stream this movie online for free, and give people the option to donate $5.00 to combat the Ebola epidemic. Not only then would we be giving a huge middle finger to our enemies but we would be raising money for a good cause as well. Regardless, this has become an important movie, not despite its humor, but because of its humor.

The ability to laugh is extremely important to our society. It's not just about frivolity or getting a chuckle once in a while. It helps us to not take ourselves or the world too seriously. Lewis Black has a great rant about this subject where he says, "Patriotism and religion are only in balance when they have a sense of humor. When they don't, things go awry." When countries and people begin to lose their ability for silliness and parody you get extremism, much like in North Korea. I can't help but draw parallels between what is going on now and Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator, where he lampooned Adolf Hitler at the height of his power. That movie was not only released but was nominated for five Oscars. Let's be honest Hitler was a lot more of a legitimate threat that Kim ever was, except Kim has proven a threat to Sony's quarterly reports and now it is the rest of us that are going to pay the price. Yet, the problem with extortion and terroristic threats is that they don't end. You give into one and (like feeding stray cats who are strapped with vests of C4) they keep coming back expecting more. This short-sighted and cowardly move could very well be the first step down a very slippery and very unfunny slope.