Ten Fictitious Institutions of Higher Learning

Seeing as that most high schools will be graduating in a few weeks, I thought it was time to let the fictional students out there know what their fictional options are for continuing on with their education. After all, if you're going to spend four years to get a piece of paper, what's the difference if it comes from Harvard or one of the finest pulp institutions? At least it will be cheaper...

Honorable Mentions: Gotham City University, Hillman College, Springfield University, Adams College, Metropolis University, Unseen University, Faber College, Coolidge College, Harrison University, University of Los Angeles, California University, and South Central Lousiana State University.

College University (College University)

Superb academics in areas such as science, world language, robots, and monkey physics, College University has something for every student, man or primate... also aliens. Students will especially enjoy the dorm experience set in wide and luxurious 2D flash animation. Socially, College University offers students numerous recreational spaces and activities, including: a student lounge, numerous concerts by famous bands, like Old Australian Robots (O.A.R.), and the college is set in close proximity to fine eating establishments such as Kung-Fu Karl's. CU is also set close to a popular ski slope, though the college officially denies all connection with any disappearance by students and further claims that they never met anyone named Big Jim, and certainly never saw anyone named Big Jim get mauled by a polar bear. So come on out to College University this weekend for an open house and meet our mascot, Punchy the Kangaroo.

Pennbrook University (Boy Meets World)

Located in sunny Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Pennbrook is an institution of class and tradition. A liberal arts university that still maintains a small college feel, (so much so that we recruit our faculty mainly by hiring old high school teachers that follow their neighbor/students to college.) With an accomplished sports team the Pennbrook Penguins have never won a championship, but we know that with your help, this year will be the year we beat those Amish from St. Jedediah's. Pennbrook University is the kind of place where any awkward scrunchy-haired kid who somehow landed a gorgeous girlfriend, and his cooler, C- student, trailer trash friend can reach adulthood, but even if you're not that kind of person, we know Pennbrook is the place for you.

Hudson University (DC Comics, Law and Order, Castle, The Cosby Show, more...)

Hudson University is so renowned that it has touched thousands of lives across different worlds and universes. Set in the heart of Manhattan we here at Hudson pride ourselves on our relationship with our students, but not in that creepy SVU. We are often in the news, and not only for our many student and faculty disappearances and other pending civil suits, (which our lawyer says we must mention here for legal reasons.) We have a broad and well educated faculty, despite the fact that, odds are, at least one of them may turn out to be a super-villain in the next four years. Every year our graduates go on to rewarding careers in business, education, and engineering. Our Hudson Law school is one of the top law schools in New York, mostly because of all the mysterious murder/rapes that happen on campus. So if you are looking for a school where you only have a 2% chance of being killed or violated in unspeakable ways, than HU is the place for you.

Mars University (Futurama)

Remember our motto, "Knowledge Brings Fear," and at Mars University we strive to embody that knowledge. Founded in 2636 through generous donations by the Wong Family, Mars U has the largest library collection in the western universe. We have well recognizable faculty such as Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Ogden Wernstrom, and Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate, our Downtown Professor of Applied Physics. With a robust Greek life students may join one of our many sororities or fraternities such as Snooty House, or Epsilon Rho Rho. Our dean can sometimes be overzealous and uptight, but what dean isn't when it comes to the shenanigans of free spirited and rebellious college hijinks? Financial aid is also available to students through room space in our financial aid dormitory. So come to Mars University and welcome to the world of your tomorrow.

State University (Venture Bros.)

At State University we cater to a wide variety of students, and we pride ourselves on our hands-off, non-judgemental, policy that allows students to discover who they are on their own. When you arrive on our campus you will be awed by the campus center, the dorm rooms and the many many laboratories we have to offer. As you may have already guessed we have a wide selection of super science majors. Yes, we don't bother with those other sissy majors like English or first aid, here at State University we know what is important: teaching young children how to perform dangerous and morally questionable science. At SU we are proud that we have graduated more super scientists and super villains than any other institution on the planet. With names such as, esteemed alumni, Professor Richard Impossible, Baron Von Underbite, and the Dr. Jonas Venture Sr., you know that you will be getting a quality education. Also we have both O.S.I. and Guild recruiters on staff to help you in choosing your career path. So remember, when it comes to selecting your college, think it through and chose SU!

University of California Sunnydale (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

A university conveniently located in the small California town of Sunnydale, and ti was always there, even when it seems like it wasn't there for three seasons prior to its appearance. Currently, the school has been rebuilt after it was sucked into the giant sinkhole that consumed the town of Sunnydale, which locals have come to colorfully call "the Hellmouth." But like a phoenix from the ashes UCS has risen to be better than ever. We have a comprehensive studies program and a robust student body, that despite the disappearances, continues to make the University of California at Sunnydale a fun a safe-ish place to gain a higher education. The school offers hundreds of after school activities such as participation in Greek life or other student-run initiatives. Local places of interest include the campus' coffee ship, the Grotto, which has been destroyed but rebuilt several times. We will be having an open house this weekend, which will end promptly before sundown, so get here early and check us out.

Empire State University (Marvel)

Empire State University graduates go far in the world. ESU offers a variety of majors backed by world class faculty, most of which who have not yet become super-villains. We offer state of the art facilities and a truly buzzword-worthy learning experience. Situated in the heart of New York, City the most important city in the universe, you will never be at a lack for entertainment or cataclysmic danger. Our close proximity to historic venues such as Rockefeller Plaza, Central Park, and Wall Street means that students will find culture as well as fun. Keep your eyes open you may even see some of our favorite heroes rocketing or swinging through the skies, such as Reed "Mr. Fantastic" Richards, ESU's most famous graduate. So whether you are interested in cosmology, literature, genetic recombination, or one of the hundreds of other majors we offer, than ESU is the place to be.

Barnett College (Indiana Jones)

Founded in 1823, historic and beautiful Barnett College is set among the scenic views of Fairfield New York, and is among the top of Ivy League schools in the country. We here at Barnett consider ourselves academics as well as educators. Our school funds several expeditions and projects throughout the school year, including ones headed up by one of our most famous professors Dr. Henry Jones Jr. We also share close ties to the National Museum where many of the artifacts you will find there have been discovered by our students and faculty. Though our attendance and work policy for professors is fairly relaxed, we have a dedicated and knowledgeable teaching staff. Students will benefit from their years of field work and various skills. So when you are looking for a place to attend this fall, be sure to check our Barnett.

Starfleet Academy (Star Trek)

Starfleet Academy is for the best of the best. We challenge our students at every turn so that they will make the most extraordinary officers that the United Federation of Planets has ever seen. As a cadet you may look forward to taking class on advanced warp mechanics, xenobiology, 20th Century Earth culture (a requirement, as most starship crews will wind up being sent backward in time to that time period at least once or twice.) With a diverse and friendly student body you will enjoy your time in sunny San Francisco. Our classes are taught by quadrant-renowned officers and presents challenges that will test your very wits, while eating an apple. Our promise is that you will graduate, confident that you have received the very best education possible. You will even be able to come up with on-the-fly technical solutions to complicated problems, such as repairing a rupture in a trans-warp conduit with anti-matter refuse from the dillithium chamber, and explain those solutions in relatively easy to understand analogies, like plugging up a leaky faucet with chewed bubblegum. So join Starfleet and you too can boldy go with a long and fulfilling career... unless you are wearing a red shirt.

Greendale Community College (Community)

What can you expect from Greendale Community College? We say: EXPECT THE WORLD! Greendale Community College prides itself on its affordable credit hours, manageable campus size, and interesting people. Did you know actor Luis Guzman was once a student here? Founded in 1974, GCC has been a great place for students to acquire the skills they need to enter the workforce and on your budget. With over 80 areas of study, you can explore your interests before deciding on a major. Our academic and career advisors will help you create a plan you can get behind! Not interested in staying at Greendale forever? Community College makes an excellent stepping stone and transferring credits to and from Greendale has never been easier. To aid with your transition away from Greendale, we have developed the "Six Degrees of Preparation" plan to make sure you have skills in the following areas: PHYSICAL, MENTAL, PUBLIC, SWIMMING, BRAIN, and COMPUTER. Greendale is committed to helping you prepare for success. Don't forget our beautiful campus! In the middle of the day there are at least thirty great places to stay in the shade, usually under beautiful trees and awnings. With all this talk about "hedge funds" in the news, we've started our own! By summer 2010 each of our walkways will be flanked by a number of decorative hedges. Did we mention that actor Luis Guzman was once a student here? Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and the beauty of Greendale is that you won't be confronted with either. We want you to feel comfortable and at home on our campus. Come to Greendale, your mind will change, but your life doesn't have to. (Excerpted from GreendaleCommnity.com)

 

Star Trek: Into The Darkside

One's a blowhard, leap-first/ask questions later, dictator, whose
brash decision making continuously puts the Enterprise in
danger... The other is Captain James T. Kirk... Baazing...

I've mentioned before how doomed the Star Wars franchise is. More and more Star Wars is looking like it has an exposed thermal exhaust port ripe for the exploding. I mean if the opening on the first Death Star had been as big as some of the plot holes in the prequel trilogy, then Luke wouldn't have had to use the Force. Hell, he could've even used Apple Maps to guide that torpedo shot. Now after having seen Star Trek: Into Darkness the imminent death of my all-time favorite franchise seems all but assured.

This is not going to be a review of the newest installment of the Star Trek franchise, after all there is plenty of angry nerds out there exhorting the numerous plot holes, convoluted story lines, nonsensical ranking/organization of this "Abramsverse" Starfleet, and the other dissatisfactions of the most recent movie, (and if you are looking that kind of review I suggest you check out The Nerd Blog for a fairly complete breakdown of the film.) I will say that I didn't hate the movie as much as I probably should have. Yes, Abrams butchered one of the best Trek plot lines and effectively neutered (and swapped nationalities of) one of Trek's best villains, but I can appreciate what they tried to do in the grand scheme of things. I mean at last the movie was still better than The Dark Knight Rises.

What really irks me is how Abrams tends to handle everything. Its like Nero's ship went back in time and created an alternate universe where all the people became young and sexy, all action became fast paced, decisions didn't always have to make sense, and Starfleet's new motto became Deus Ex Machina, (as opposed to Ex Astris, Scientia,) "but who cares, as long as it sells tickets, right?.." And that's the problem. Abrams likes to say he cares about making a good movie, but what he really means is that he cares about making a profitable movie. Star Wars fans should take this as a bad sign.

Professor: Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure!
Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
Professor: Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere
between zero and one.
(Read about why this scene is stupid and implausible)

What people (George Lucas included) seem to forget is that Star Wars didn't start out with the sole purpose of making money. In 1977 Lucas was an unknown director who created some kind of new and far fetched space opera that no one had ever heard of before, and no one thought it would make any money (Lucas included,) but that didn't matter. That wasn't the point, because Star Wars had something deeper. Yes, it had ground-breaking special effects for the time, but at the core of A New Hope it was about the universal story of a farmboy taking the hero's journey and finding something buried within himself. It wasn't the lightspeed or the climatic X-Wing battle that made Star Wars beloved (though they were both very cool and impressive,) it was the heart of the story and how it spoke to something deeper about who we were as humans. The fact that it made money was an added surprise.

Episodes VII, VIII, IX, and the (sigh) one-shot movies about Han Solo and Boba Fett will not (no matter how many times they try to make you think it is) ever be about that deeper mythology or the universal themes of humanity. It will always be about making money, especially now that the films are under the control of Disney. Remember John Carter? (Most people don't.) The House of Mouse took a Victorian fantasy/sci-fi piece that had boundless potential for story-telling and made it into a CGI orgasm of little-to-no substance. They will do it again to Star Wars and there is no decision that optimizes that more than the hiring of J.J. Abrams as director. He is going to take the heart from Star Wars just as he did from Star Trek.

If Star Wars has always been about deeper and grander themes of myth, villainy, and heroism, than Star Trek has always been about philosophical and social commentary. The Original Series was the first TV show to depict minorities as officers and leaders, instead of just caricatures. The show and its predecessors tackled important and relevant social themes of the day including, the Vietnam War, racism, the Cold War, Big Brother, and issues of security versus liberty. It was a truism for Star Trek from the very first episode to the end of the last (Picard-era) movie. If Star Wars was meant to speak to the common myths we all hold within ourselves and our experiences, than Star Trek was meant to speak to the smaller (yet no less important) shared philosophical and ethical debates of our lives, (even if dropped the ball on LGBT issues,) but with this new movie all I find is a Star Trek universe that is all flash and no heart.



An Honest Star Trek Trailer

I am not saying the old Trek always got it right, they didn't. There were plenty of bad story lines and convoluted plot points, but at least they had the audacity to try. Abrams Star Trek is exactly what you would expect, a popcorn sci-fi action movie with enough moments of comedy and sexual innuendo to placate the masses of summer movie-goers. Its a characterization that might have been understandable for the 2009 movie, but for the 2013 movie I looking for something more. This movie missed an incredible opportunity to follow in its predecessor's footsteps and talk about deeper issues, such as terrorism, friendship, and the difference between doing what is expected and doing what is right. I am not saying the movie didn't try to touch on these themes, but it felt glossed over and lackluster at best. It was as if they shuffled them forward so that we could make it just in time to see the next high-flying action sequence.

How will this affect the new Star Wars? I suppose only time will tell, but I am not hopeful. After all when you take out the myth, (the heart) of Star Wars you are left with... Episode I, and that is why the prequel movies failed. They lacked the mythological heart of their predecessors (for a few reasons,) but ultimately because the George Lucas of 1997 was not the same George Lucas of 1977. One was looking to make a deeply satisfying movie (consequences be damned,) the other was looking to appeal to kids so he could sell more toys and McDonald's meals. When you think about it, that is part of the reason why we can accept Ewoks but not Jar Jar Binks. At least the stormtrooper slaughtering teddy bears appeared as part of the greater mythology. The later was just there to pedal the movies to kids like some kind of racially stereotyped drug dealer. I cannot imagine that these new movies will be any better, given the CGI heavy, and "movie by committee" approach that is so common in Hollywood in today.

 

(I am going to digress, please feel free to skip this paragraph.) In many ways the rise of CGI has been both a blessing and a curse to Hollywood. Cheap special effects means that directors have the means to make their movies look big budget, even when they're not. This also means that they can more easily discard storyline and character development for explosions and starfighter dogfights. In franchises like Star Trek and Star Wars the danger for this is even higher. For example, Star Trek: Into Darkness finds itself focusing way too much on action and relies on making Star Trek in-jokes to try and remind audiences of the character bonds that existed between the Shatner/Nimoy crew in order to keep from "wasting" screen time on character interaction between the new Pine/Quinto crew. This is exactly where Hollywood is failing. CGI is not meant to replace story but enhance it. In a lot of ways the limited special effects budget of the old TV show made Star Trek what it is today. Without the ability to depict grand battles between starships writers and producers had to rely on solid and meaningful storytelling that helped to build beloved characters and a deep mythology.

 

Abrams, cannibalized and piece-mealed part of that deeper complexity to make his movie, taking only the actions and aesthetics, and leaving behind much of their inner meaning. He will do the same to Star Wars. According to Wired.com: Despite the alternate “Abramsverse” timeline created for 2009′s Star Trek and Into Darkness, they were still prequels and [Abrams] had to play by some pre-established rules... Lucasfilm/Disney seem poised to create new Star Wars tales from whole cloth, not pick up threads from previous canon, which gives Abrams’ movie a lot more space (literally, figuratively) to play in. More than anything, I find that statement worrying. Let me explain why.

 

This is soon going to be the least racy/sexual thing you have
ever seen in the Star Wars Universe... just ask every female
cast member of the new Star Trek movies.

I don't consider myself a Trekkie (despite my deep love and affection for Star Trek,) but I have seen every episode of every TV show and every movie ever made about the Star Trek universe, so trust me when I say: Star Trek's canon is loose at best. Star Trek stories are notorious for retconning existing story lines, characters, and even existing races into something they were never meant to be, (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.) Maybe that is why Abrams interpretation of Star Trek does not irk me as much as it does other Star Trek fans, because in the grand scheme of things their canon was always kind of shifting and loose. Star Wars on the other hand has always been held to a rigid canon of events, with very few exceptions. It is a canon that has been enforced on writers and artists for decades by Lucasfilm itself, and a canon that has very tightly established the events, the major players, and the intricate history of the Star Wars universe after the events of Return of the Jedi. That means there very much are pre-established rules for making a Star Wars movie set in that era, much stricter than any imposed on any Star Trek set in an alternate universe.

 

We have seen what Abrams does to such an alternate universe where he is allowed to play with ships and phasers and aliens. Now we are giving him the keys to a prime universe where he doesn't have to follow any of the already established norms or timelines that Lucasfilm itself so rigidly held for virtually anyone else who wanted to play in the Star Wars sandbox. I have no doubt the end result will be a string of summer blockbusters, but it will also be the death of my most beloved science fiction franchise. In many ways I owe my geekiness and (by extension) my very personality and being to Star Wars. It helped shape me and create the person I am today. Abrams and Disney and George Lucas are going to destroy that franchise, and with it a small part of me.

 

Maybe I will be surprised. Maybe these movies will be the greatest thing to ever happen to me and Star Wars, but I find it unlikely. With a playground of starfighters and Jedi Knights I doubt Abrams is going to be able to resist giving us action sequence after action sequence at the expense of the true spirit of Star Wars. I am now, more and more, convinced that the deeper myth of that far far away galaxy existed, only, a long time ago. After all, according to E-Online: Forget the Star Wars novels. Forget the graphic novels. Forget everything you think you know about what happens to Luke Skywalker... Episode 7 will literally be nothing you've ever seen or read before from the Star Wars universe.... I think on that much, at least, we all can agree.

 

 

That Asian in the Background

Answer: It's Ensign Harry Kim, Star Trek's "other Asian"...
In all fairness you may have not noticed him because he is
being blocked by Seven of Nine and her... ahem... implants.

With the release of Star Trek: Into Darkness this week, I am thinking this might be a good time to address an issue which comes up so often in geek and mainstream media (We call that normedia), the stereotype of Asians as sidekicks/partners/background dressing/etc... It's a trend that started around 1931 when (the very white) Warner Oland put on make-up to impersonate the detective Charlie Chan in the movie, Charlie Chan Carries On. The movie was a success, but only because they had a white guy (offensively) playing the titular role of the Chinese detective (who was based on the real Chinese Hawaiian detective, Chang Apana.) In fact, two different studios had tried making Charlie Chan adventure movies before 1931 and both failed miserably because they cast an Asian actor as the lead, and only featured the  titular character as background to the other white characters. The American audience just couldn't conceive of an Asian as a hero, except when being played by a white guy, and ever since Asian characters have been regulated to the role of sidekicks (many of whom tend to be infinitely more interesting than the hero they are assisting).

Just take a look at the ultimate Asian sidekick (literally), Kato, the masked chauffeur of the Green Hornet. Now Kato is an interesting example, because in most ways he is waaaaaaayy more competent than the lead character, Green Hornet (a fact that the Seth Rogan/Jay Chou film goes to great lengths to illustrate.) Kato is a martial arts master (especially when played by the great Bruce Lee), a gifted mechanic, and has a genius-level intellect. By all accounts of comic book lore and law, those three are enough to make anyone into a top-tier successful superhero, but not Kato, because he is Asian... A sad fact of the matter is that in white mainstream American media that means he has a handicap. Thus, not only is Kato not the hero, he doesn't even have a dual identity. He is simply called the "masked chauffeur," or "masked companion of the Green Hornet." This ambiguity is so bad in fact, that most incarnations can't even seem to agree where Kato is originally from, China, Japan, Korea, the Philippines. When the Chinese actor, Bruce Lee, played the character he was Japanese. In the newest incarnation he was Chinese, and in the old radio serials two of the three voice actors who played him were white, and his nationality was flipped several times, eventually settling on "generic oriental," but I mean... what's the difference, Asian is Asian, right?

 

"Due to their emasculated nature an Asian man could never
be considered a sex symbol in Ameri... Look at that guy's
abs... What was I saying?"

I can only hope that my above statement will never be taken out of context to come back and bite me during some future political campaign, because it is incredibly offensive and incorrect. That would be like saying, "French? German? What's the difference, European is European, right?" or "Canadian? American? It's all the same." Even when you think about the term Asian American, it is at least slightly derogatory. I mean do we call anyone "European American" or "South American American?" The only other people who get identified by their continent, in fact, are Australians, but that's only because their continent is the same as their whole entire kangaroo-damned country. (Also, Africans, which is also racially motivated....) (Note: I will keep using the term Asian in this blog due to its wide recognized connotations and because many of the people I will talk about have been labeled as such without any specific country qualifiers.) The real fact is that the people of the different East Asian cultures are very different from one another. It is a distinction that most Americans tend to glance over, because "they all look the same," or "they all can't speak English," or because of: any of the other thousand ignorant statements you might overhear at the dive bar in the small town I grew up in, and because of these justifications we tend to devalue them as people and as heroes.

Take a look at Indiana Jones' eleven year old Chinese sidekick, Short Round. I am not claiming Spielberg or Lucas are knowingly racist, (In Lucas' case I doubt if he is even knowingly competent,) but there is a reason why Indy's Asian sidekick is a child. It devalues him as a masculine figure when compared to the white male hero of Indy (like Robin compared to Batman). Short Round's English is broken and comical, and his child-like naivety and lack of formal education fulfill the type-cast mold of what a movie-goers might expect from a helpless Asian sidekick who needs to follow around the stronger American for protection. However, much like how Kato turns certain stereotypes on its head, (Asians are supposed to be bad drivers, yet Kato was the chauffeur,) so does Short Round. Despite his lack of formal education, the kid is exceptionally quick thinking and even manages to save Indiana on more than one occasion in the movie. It can even be argued that he is the true hero of the story. When Dr. Jones is off having unfulfilled romantic tension with some hitchhiking lounge singer, its Short Round that picks up the slack and keeps the story on pace. His strong moral compass not only help keeps Indiana Jones on track, but saves a few hundred unfortunate slave children.

Most people forgot about Mr.
Miyagi's former career as owner
of the 1950's diner, "Arnolds."

Of course Asian partners aren't just kids, they can also be really old men, such as the famous Mr. Miyagi. His quirky "old manness" is often pointed out as fitting the stereotype of the wise man or even the mystical Asian. In many ways Miyagi is a caricature of Asians, speaking with a Yoda-like speech pattern, being a master at karate, and directing Daniel with cryptic and confusing instructions. However, he also eschews the mold by having a very real history and proving he is not just another one-in-one-thousand sensei wannabes. He not only served in the American military with distinction, during World War II, but his wife and son died in the Manzanar Internment Camp. The character of Miyagi is able to break his mold by being a real person. He is also as an admittance by the movie that America destroyed a lot of lives with forced Japanese internment, (to put it mildly.)

In the remake of Karate Kid, the wise and venerable master is played by everyone's favorite "zany" martial artist, Jackie Chan. Now you might want to hold up Chan as someone who breaks the old stereotypes. After all, he is a major Hollywood actor, a leading man, and he plays respectable characters, but think about that for a minute... Take a look at Chan's best hits, Rush Hour or Shanghai Noon. Is Chan really the star or just a second banana to Owen Wilson and Chris Tucker? It is even hard to argue that the acclaimed Chinese actor plays different roles in both movies. Other than a change in time and location he essentially plays the same person over and over again. In fact, Chan himself expressed frustration over the limited roles available to him in Hollywood, and he's a freaking A (maybe B) list celebrity, which is part of the reason why he started his own production company, where he produced movies such The Myth and Rob-B-Hood. Never heard of them? That's because Chan chose not to play the same old roles, and the American public lost interest.

As with most stereotyping there is a true danger of internalization, not only by white audiences, but by Asian American audiences as well. After all, America tends to think of the Asian population as the "model immigrant." They are smart and hard working. They are the kids that sit in the back of the class, get straight A's and never complain... but that is part of the problem. The media generalizes them to background characters because for some reason we have incorrectly labeled them as background characters in our culture. Yet, when small Asian girls and boys watch these movies or TV shows what are they supposed to think about themselves? Is the highest rank of herodom they can attain, truly be "Emasculated Sidekick," or "China Doll," or "Quiet Smart Kid," or "Kung Fu Master?" Do Asian boys grow up and think that they can never get the girl, or that they are always destined to stand behind some white man and be his tech nerd or silent underling?

Thankfully, the trends are changing. For example I would point to Pixar's Russell, the Asian American boy scout in Up. He is still not considered the hero, but neither is he a silent and passive character meant to solely compliment Ed Asner's old man character. Russell is integral to the plot. He is the driving force behind all the adventures and even the eventual change of heart experienced by the old man. He is also obnoxious, not particularly smart, and has no discernible accent of any type. I'm not saying he is exactly the type of character one would look to emulate, but he is also not the typical Asian American stereotype.

Despite all his progressiveness, Glen does sort of have the
Short Round look going for him.

We also cannot ignore, Glen, from Walking Dead, who (in my opinion) is probably one of the most complete and successful Asian American characters on TV today. He is smart, resourceful, and so important to the show that if he dies I think I might actually start some kind of protest campaign. Even better he has completely thrown off the old ideas of the non-masculine Asian male to prove that he is not only kick ass in a fight, but has won the affections of Maggie, played by the very attractive (and very white) Lauren Cohan. In the past you almost never saw a male Asian character "save the princess." Asian men often suffer from a stereotype of being asexual or non-sexual beings. They are emasculated in the white media. In years past it was simply deemed too unbelievable that an Asian male character would ever "get the girl," (especially a white girl), but the Korean American Glen not only helps to buck that trend but practically shatters it.

Another actor breaking trends is John Cho of Harold and Kumar fame. The actor is coming to epitomize the new breed of Asian characters coming into prominence of both nerd and mainstream media. No longer regulated strictly to the background, actors like Cho or Ken Jeong (who has played such notable parts as a flamboyant gangster, a LARP'ing king, and a Spanish teacher,) are helping to break the old molds of what Asian characters can and can't be. Of course this brings us back around to Star Trek: Into Darkness, where Koren American Cho plays the roll of Hikaru Sulu, despite the fact that the role was originally held by a Japanese American, George "God Among Men," Takei.

“It’s really hard to hate someone for being different when you’re
too busy laughing together.”  -George Takei

The veteran actor portrayed Sulu on the original run of Star Trek and its movies. Now the old Star Trek series wasn't perfect in its progressiveness, (as Romulans started as nothing more than "Evil Asian" stand-ins, in much the same way that Klingons were so Russian you could smell the vodka,) but for 1960's TV it was (pardon the pun) light years ahead of most. One of the principal characters was Lieutenant Sulu. Mainly a glorified background character to Shatner's Kirk, he may have never gotten the type of screen time that Leonard Nimoy or DeForest Kelley got, but his appearance on the show was a leap forward in its own right. Not only was Sulu a hero character, but he was the pilot of the USS Enterprise, an incredibly important and prestigious position, as any first year cadet of Starfleet Academy will tell you. Even further, Sulu went on to captain his own ship in time, and even found time for a family. Similar to Kato, in a lot of ways it can be argued that Sulu was the superior officer to the womanizing, workaholic, punch-first-ask-questions-later Kirk.

Despite being regulated to the background, Sulu marked an important step forward for Asian depictions on television and in the media. Maybe that is why it is so fitting that John Cho be the actor selected to take over the reigns of Sulu. The upward trend of Asian characters in the media has been heart-breakingly slow, but thanks to a new generation of actors, like Cho, we are finally coming to realize the importance of the Asian standing in the background, because sometimes they can be a heck of a lot more interesting than the white guy standing at the front.

 

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Huh?

Nope... nothing racist here...

So for this week's installment I am feeling a need to hate on Disney... I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with lingering resentment over the Star Wars acquisition and the tepid rumor by the Internet that Disney may bring back Darth Vader for Episodes VII to IX, (even though I am pretty sure that is really just a rumor.) The real truth is: I guess I am just in the mood to throw stones and after my visit to Disneyland in California a few weeks back I still have the giant mouse-run megalithic entertainment corporation on my mind. Also I noticed something after riding Splash Mountain for the third time (or fourth, I forget,) The Br'er Rabbit story is kind of screwed up... I'm just saying...

For all of those not in the know (or for those who just never noticed that Splash Mountain contains an animatronic story before the inevitable five-story drop,) Br'er Rabbit is a rabbit who lives in the Deep South during reconstruction (roughly 1870's.) He is constantly pursued by Br'er Bear and Br'er Fox. He spends the entirety of his story and the ride outwitting the two simple hillbilly stand-ins until the end when he finds his "laughing place," and let's his guard down. He is then captured by them, but before they can cook him up, Br'er Rabbit uses reverse psychology, (as rabbits are known to do,) and convinces Br'er Fox to throw him in the briar patch. This is represented on the ride by the all-important log-flume drop. Br'er Rabbit then escapes unharmed from the briar patch because he was raised in the briar patch. He the returns home to anthropomorphized southern stereotypes singing his welcome, and the two villains get their just deserts, being pursued by an alligator.

The stories come from the Disney movie Song of the South, a 1940's Disney film that combined animation, live-action, and racism, into a surprisingly forgettable movie. (It's only claim to fame, despite spawning the premise for Splash Mountain, is the song Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.) Beyond that the story of Br'er Rabbit comes from African-American children's tales and southern slave folklore. The rabbit in the story often represents the famous archetype of the Trickster, which was very prevalent in African stories, (the most famous, and my personal favorites, are the ones being about Anansi the spider,) but the Disney version of the Br'er Rabbit story is not an African tale, it is adaptation and a homogenization of them, and much like how The Little Mermaid glosses over the questionable and inevitable conversation about fish reproduction versus human reproduction that Eric and Ariel have on their wedding night, the Song of the South tends to glance over the messier aspects of southern black life and racism, both pre and post-Civil War. However, for now let's ignore the obviously flawed racial aspects of the Br'er Rabbit story and concentrate on some of its more other questionable aspects.

First off, Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear are chasing down Br'er Rabbit to cook him for dinner. This makes them the villains, but think about that for moment. The Bear and the Fox are only just hungry. This is the circle of life people ( you, know... that thing that was sung about by the unseen omniscient voice at the opening of the Lion King.) The two antagonists are only trying to get their dinner and for that they get branded as the bad guys. Even Elmer Fudd (who is a human only hunting for sport) is seen as less of a villain than the Fox and Bear who have no other option but to hunt rabbit for food, and in turn get eaten by an alligator for their troubles. I suppose this is a minor argument, as the story needs villains but I mean... c'mon. Br'er Rabbit could just as easily be the villain. In fact, even the old African stories acknowledge that the trickster character is an extreme character that can be as bad as he is good if the tricks are used for improper means. Br'er Rabbit antagonizes Fox and Bear and then purposely leads the two dimwits into the snares he sets up for them. That seems a lot like entrapment in my book. They are only trying to survive. What else are they supposed to do for Jafar's sake? This story could have easily been about the unshakable bond of brotherhood between a bear and a fox as they face the villainy of the devious rabbit that keeps terrorizing them.

The irony of the Southern Temperance movement was that
most of these women probably would not be kissed at all
if not for alchohol.

Secondly, (and granted it is slightly different between the ride and the cartoon,) but Br'er Rabbit is looking for his laughing place, which in Splash Mountain is done in black light and is about as psychedelic as you can imagine. A mild interpretation of this section of the ride is that your "laughing place," is alcohol, and a more literal interpretation is that it is LSD, but (since the ride is clearly trying to mimic the Post-War South situation of poor black Americans,) let's just assume that Br'er Rabbit's "laughing place" is in fact found at the bottom of a bottle. This idea is reinforced by the fact that as you near the inevitable drop you are met with an animatronic possum-mother singing the Laughing Place song in a mournful warning tone to her animatronic possum children. It is the tone of Southern Temperance (which was also an aspect of southern life.) The ride seems to suggest that Br'er Rabbit got drunk and was captured by Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear while inebriated. This could be interpreted as a lesson against drunkenness, but then Br'er Rabbit makes his aforementioned escape into the briar patch and it never really gets mentioned again. I'm not sure how to take any of this.

Lastly, there is something unsettling about the racial aspects of the whole ride. Splash Mountain really does a lot to try and ignore all the black stereotyping which the movie, Song of the South, got criticized for (and in 1946, you know that had to be a feat,) but it’s still there in some form. For instance the word, "br'er" is really just the word "briar" said through poor Southern African American inflection. All three main characters have racially distinct voices (they all sound like southern black people) and the fact that Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear are portrayed as simple and stupid while Br'er Rabbit (though clever) is portrayed as lazy, seems to harken back to racial stereotypes that should at least make us fidget a bit.

The whole ride ends with a big riverboat dance number and our rabbit "hero" relaxing at home. He is unharmed and unaffected for all the trouble he caused everyone. The ride comes to an end and everyone dutifully files down the hall to the gift shop and to look at their photo with secret hopes that the girl in front flashed the camera. It’s just another wholesome Disney day.

Now, I am not at all suggesting they remove Splash Mountain, the ride (like all things Disney,) has its place. It has a wholesome exterior concealing a confusing and questionable inner-meaning. It is much like how Mr. Toad's Wild Ride pretends to not be about sexual innuendo or how the Aerosmith Ride pretends to not be about gross narcissistic commercialism. I guess all I'm saying is that it's amazing the things you notice when you're forced to ride Splash Mountain half a dozen times.

 

Ambiguity of Air Travel

A week ago I was away, in California, but this blog isn't about my time in Disneyland or even my humorous observations of Californians. (Californites?) No, this is about safety, pure and simple... because what can be simpler than:

No smoking while fleeing from the wreckage of your doomed aircraft.	In the event of a crash landing, pick the child you like the most. You can only save one.
According to FAA Regulations: the landing gear will not be deployed for water landings.	No cigarettes, no briefcases, no broken heels.
Step 1: Use your laser vision to attempt to break the glass.	Step 3: Use the door as a shield to block your fellow passengers from escaping.
Step 4: Screw this! I'm outta here!	Step 5: High-kick your way down the emergency ramp.
Under no circumstances must you be from the 1990's.	 Men and women, make sure to not press the red button, especially when the white box is talking at you.
Do not bring fire, jagged metal, or the ocean onto this plane	Step 2: In the event of a water landing find a friendly mermaid.
Do not use... (I'm going to say:) an automatic scotch tape dispenser that emits loud noises.	Rows A: Please exit through the front or rear of the aircraft. Rows B: Please exit through the side of the aircraft. Rows C-F: Sorry, you're screwed.

Pond of Consciousness: Flying

Why am I doing another stream of consciousness blog? Aren't my posts random enough as it is... If you use the words, "emotional roller coaster," I am O.U.T... Deal I just feel like I am on this emotional... ride... Why am I even typing this again? I'm on cramped airplane, the laptop is half closed and my arms are shoved all the way into my chest like some stinted tyrannosaurus rex stuck in economy class… Tyranosaurus… I should have some kind of witty pun there. I’ll think of it later. I need to figure out how to disable this touchpad/mouse thingy. The cursor is jumping all over the page. What is that kid doing, marching up and down the aisle like a wooden soldier… toy solider... I'm a real boy... Where are his parents? Here comes the old woman and the inevitable meeting of the immature object verses the unstoppable (I need to go to the bathroom) force…. There should be another joke there. I’ll add it later… Tyrannosaurus Rex… Lex… Dex… Hex… Treks… None of those work… Is it kosher to be writing the jokes in my head as I am actually writing a story about my thoughts… This is getting a little too existential… Why did I use the word kosher? I’m not Jewish… What movie is playing? What’s that guy’s name? Leonidas? Burt? Why is he playing soccer with kids? This is the weirdest remake of 300 I have ever seen. Is that what’s his name? Why can‘t I remember anyone’s… Kurt Russell… no Dennis Quiad? I didn’t know he/they were in 300? Flashover… no Backdraft was a decent film. Why can’t I remember anything today. I feel so slow.. Maybe it's the altitude. From the looks of desolation and Amish we’re somewhere over Pennsylvania. Ouch… Watch it lady. Say excuse me. I never know if I like the aisle better or the window… Die-rannosaurus Rex… that doesn’t even make any sense in the context of the joke…. These are not the jokes you're looking for... Oh good, here comes the complimentary drinks and food. Yes can I have the one peanut and the small glass of water? Cthulhu forbid they gave you actual food on a six-hour flight that made us wait an hour and a half past boarding for take-off… Jessica Biel is in this movie? Gerard Butler… that’s it. This is Sparta… I am starving. I shouldn’t have skipped breakfast. Wasn’t it Dennis Quiad who played General Hawk in that damn awful GI Joe movie? What part of my childhood will Hollywood ruin next? Is Michael Bay still trying to make a teenage mutant... Of course he is. Why the hell are they aliens… Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Does he even know that spells TANT? Teenage Alien Intelligent Ninja Turtles... Are there even ninjas on another planet, or teenagers… or turtles… I'm sure there will be explosions… Is that Amy Acker. I love her... So What are you wearing... Blue overcoat. Fedora... You really stink at this... Orange Socks?... Angel was a good show.... They’ll probably try to make a remake of Ghostbusters with Justin Beiber playing all the parts… that was a horrible joke.... They'll probably try to make a remake of Ghostbusters with Bruce Willis... he was dead the whole time... What’s wrong with me today… A tyrannosaurus rex and a nun walk into a bar… something something… He was Catholic all along… That’s Uma Thurman… I guess she is playing the Persian king, Xerxes, in this version. She has the build for it….. Coke… Pepsi’s fine… Really, what’s the difference… How about giving me one of those sandwiches…. No for free. You left us waiting on the runway for two hours. Mardok forbid there is actually a company out there that wants to keep its customers happy or takes any sort of responsibility for their mistakes… I would have loyalty to a company like that. Fly United… because why not? We’re just as much of dicks as everyone else… except Air New Zealand. They were very nice that one time… Oh gods, that kid is crying now… Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!… No give me the blue chips… THIS IS the most Spartan meal I've ever had... So I guess Jessica Biel is the hunchback in this one... No don’t kiss her, Leonidas. She’s going to sell you out to the Persians!... Why are chips blue? Who thought that was a good idea? Who looked at potato chips and went… you know what will make this better… the color blue. I think that’s the same logic they use with… cars… M&Ms… t-shirts…. Annoying late 90’s pop songs… I'm really off on the jokes today. I’ll just add them in later during editing. A tyrannosaurus rex and Sam Waterson get into a fight… No, Sam Waterson is Jack McCoy on Law and Order… what was the name of the guy who played Dr. Grant? Also how did that T-Rex get into the Jurassic Park visitor center without anyone noticing? Were the doors made conveniently for tyrannosaurus proportions? And did anyone work there? I knew they were on a skeleton crew, but a few more people working security might have made it a very short movie. The only tech guys were Samuel L. Jackson and Newman… Hello Newman… You would have thought that with an experimental facility they would have brought on a few more staff, just to be one the safe side… or at least ran background checks on their employees. I wonder if the US Government had to bail out InGen after they lost all their money on the dinosaur tourist industry Whoa… this movie just got saucy… Run, Leonidas, she is trying to eat your face… Like a T-Rex that's too big to fail... and it all comes full circle. I’m a genius. Now Kurt Russell/Dennis Quaid is in jail…. This is just confusing. Are they arresting him for the GI Joe movie… they should… He deserves it… How can you make a movie that was even cornier than the old cartoon show and I loved the old cartoon show. Seriously. They kept everything they shouldn’t have and took away everything they should have. Don’t worry, I'm sure The Rock and Bruce Willis will save us from the giant Texas sized asteroid of suckage that movie was. All we need now is Areosmith... Turns out he was dead the whole time... and I mean that about Steven Tyler... Adolescent Extraterrestrial Samurai Turtles... AEST… sounds like a standardized assessment test designed to check for asbestos… What if Michael Bay remade Jurassic Park… Exploding dinosaurs, for no reason… They know how to open doors and set C4 charges… Clever girl... My arms are shoved so far into my stomach that I feel like a tyrannosaurus rex in economy class… business class... trying to play pool... That’s not funny… Oh blue chips?

 

 

Fairly Tales

This was the best acting Stewart did all movie... lifelessness.

I was watching HBO-Go the other day, catching up on the latest episode of Game of Thrones, and after its conclusion I found myself wandering around the site looking to satiate my need for more sword and sorcery fantasy. Unfortunately, the only thing I could find was the newest incarnation of the Snow White story, Snow White and the Huntsman. Also unfortunately, it was exactly what I expected.

Staring Kristen "What do you mean emote?" Stewart, maybe the only good thing I can say about the movie is that the resulting scandal/affair from it probably finished her career. It also starred, Thor, which means that every time he was on screen, the movie in my mind was much more interesting than what was actually happening in truth. The special effects looked unfinished and surprisingly insulting. For example, the seven dwarves were an amalgam of bodies and heads, as if the producers couldn't decide between going with the Lord of the Rings technique (and just using perspective to shrink the actors,) or the Game of Thrones technique (and actually cast an award winning little-person actor.) Instead, the dwarves were made up of the bodies of little people with the heads of average sized actors CGI imposed on them. This left lead dwarf, Bob Hoskins, looking like Super Mario before he found any mushrooms to eat... but I am digressing.

The point of this entry is not so much to point out the many flaws of the movie (many flaws,) but to try and understand the sudden resurgence of the popularity of fairy tales in pop culture. Take a look and the trend is all around you. Shows like Once Upon a Time and Grimm are bending these old stories to fit modern sensibilities and tastes, and movies like the aforementioned one, the new Jack the Giant Killer, and Hansel and Gretel are (unsuccessfully) trying to turn these stories into something they are not... blockbuster movies. I could also mention the comic book Fables, which unbeknownst to the general public was really one of the forerunners for this entire trend, (so much so that that many have argued that Once Upon a Time is really nothing more than a Disneyized version of Fables... but in all fairness Disney has been ripping off and homogenizing folklore and fairy tales since almost before cartoons were a "thing.")

So why all the fairy tale stuff? I suppose really that is a multi-part answer. The first and most obvious being, Nerd Culture is becoming prominent in the media. (I know I tend to argue this point... a lot.) With comic book movies breaking box office records, and comic conventions being more jam packed with advertisers than a broadcast by the NFL, Hollywood is looking for new (old) source material for which to keep things going. Fairy tales and mythology are actually a perfectly logical extension of this idea. After all, I have always argued that comic books really are nothing more than classical myths retold from modern perspectives. This brings me to my second point, fairy tales, like mythology, are the original source material for most of our modern stories, (I mean except for Inception whose source material was a Donald Duck cartoon.) So it makes sense to go back to the raw material and try to tell the old stories in new ways.

Once Upon a Time (sometimes to great success and sometime
not) tries to delve into the motives and reasons why the
familiar characters act the way do. Ultimately, taking this risk
helps many characters, like the Evil Queen, become much
more interesting and even sympathetic.

Lastly, there is something inherently dark about fairy tales. They are stories made specifically for children, in which people are eaten by wolves, (step) mothers try to kill their children, and the woods are always full of dark and sinister things just waiting to devour the souls of children. Ultimately, these stories were meant as cautionary tales from a time when the world was dark and full of dangers, and when parents could be just as superstitious as their children. Nowadays, we think we know better. We see the world with science and logic and take the old tales with a grain of pixie dust, but sometimes they prove right. Sometimes there are strangers intent on harm who have windowless vans instead of gingerbread houses, evil queens and kings who rule governments for power and personal gain, and a big bad wolf willing to crash planes into buildings. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I think about the world, it scares the hell out of me.

 

It is no coincidence that superheroes, zombies, and fairy tales all saw a rise in popularity after the events of the past decade. We have seen the face of monsters and super villains, so it is only proper that we would cling to the tales that caution us against their dangers and give us hope for heroes that offer salvation. These stories make light of our fears as a way to play out our nightmares in safe ways. Some scientists claim that dreaming has similar purposes. We are presented with fears in safe environments where we can have the time to figure out how to deal with them and maybe even face them, so that (when in the waking world) we are presented with an actual problem or normally terrifying situation we will be better prepared to cope. In other words, you watch a zombie movie not to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, but to prepare for stressful presentations at work or even being mugged on the streets. Stories like fairy tales allow us to conceptualize the dangers and maybe even reassure us that everything will work out. We want to know that it will be okay, and these stories are a way for us to put our deepest fears into a predictable box we can digest. This is no different than what our ancestors did when they first invented them, except today the stories are updated for the reality of war in the Middle East as opposed to something like the Crusades which were... well I guess war in the Middle East.... well it is a different war... but that is why updating these stories to better reflect who we are is a fairly good idea.

If you like folklore and fairy tale, check out the 10th Kingdom.
I promise you won't be disappointed.

And maybe that is my biggest contention with Snow White and the Huntsman, because ultimately the story is not really a modern adaptation at all. Yes, there are some new special affects thrown in and some kind of hint at a convoluted love triangle, but the story was nothing new. At least Hansel and Gretel tried to put an unexpected twist on an old classic (and we won't even mention the creativity of shows like Once Upon a Time and Grimm.) There was nothing new or exciting in the revised Snow White, no twist. They even had singing dwarves (Hi ho, Hi ho,) and worst of all, Snow White was helpless, (almost as helpless as she was in the other role she is so well known for playing.) The character spends most of the movie stumbling around with other people or even animals leading her one way or another. So by the end of the movie, when we are supposed to believe she has become a sword wielding warrior queen, the transformation seems a little unbelievable, considering two days prior she barely knew how to hold a knife.

Snow White as a weak female character may have worked in the 1550's or even in the 1950's, but in today's world that no longer reflects the reality we live in, (Unless you live in a reality of sparkling vampires, which I guess Stewart kind of does.) For a really good adaptation of the a strong Snow White and stronge female characters in genreal, check out Once Upon a Time, or even my favorite modernized fairy tale (from way back when,) The 10th Kingdom. As for everything else, I am enjoying this new resurgence of folklore, and I am looking forward to see in what new and creative direction it continues... as long as you leave Kristen Stewart out of it.