Star Wars VII: A New Despair

"Alright Hayden, remember to make your acting as bland as
possible. I need someone to blame for this fiasco and you're
my fall guy. Good luck."

"You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Christopher Nolan wrote that line about Batman, but he might as well have been referring to his fellow director, George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, one of the most historic and important movie trilogies ever made. He is also the man who has been slowly destroying that trilogy for years now. It is like if the Egyptians built the great Pyramid at Giza, and then tore it down to slowly sell off each brick for fame and profit, but Lucas being a sell-out is nothing new, (just as Jar Jar Binks.)

 

Georgey Boy has been slowly stripping away the dignity of Star Wars for years, and though I can't agree with a lot of the decisions he made, at least he was the one who created the whole blasted thing and you had to at least respect him for that. It's kind of like how you give props to God for making the world, but then he goes and makes things like leukemia, AIDS, and Justin Beiber. Those are some pretty asshole decisions, but I mean it is God's world, just because I don't always agree with the decisions he makes, he probably has the right to make them. Unfortunately, unlike God, Lucas does not work in mysterious ways. We can all pretty much understand what is motivating him. (I'll give you a hint, its small, green, powerful, and not Yoda.)

 

Now Star Wars fans must suffer another indignity, (as if we haven't suffered enough,) Lucasfilm has sold everything, (lock, stock, and lightsaber) to Disney. This has set off a bevy of panic alarms in the nerd community and even more clever photoshop picture mashups. For the most part I would probably try to urge people to keep a rational head about everything, except I can't. Following on the heels of this first shocking announcement came the next shocker, they are in the planning stages for Star Wars Episode VII! I don't want to understate it here, but this is the worse idea I have heard since that Devronian tried to sell me timeshare property in the Alderaan system.

 

Welcome to Hell

First, this movie will be a Disney movie. (If I see that damn castle appear before the opening scroll I am walking out.) I can say with some certainty that the movie will about the children of the Solos and Skywalkers, which is alarming enough, but it also means Disney gets to pick a young cast to star in the movie. Call me crazy, but I am not too keen to see the Jonas brothers, and Selena Gomez in the Star Wars universe, and God only knows who they'll cast if they can't get Hamill, Fisher, and Ford to come back (Billy Dee Williams will come back... he always comes back.)

 

Secondly, I know that the Expanded Universe may not come into consideration for many people, but for a person who so admires the strict canonicity of Star Wars, this new movie is a concern of mine. Before the prequel there had never been much done in the books and comics as far as the Clone Wars Era, as if everyone could sense that was a playground nobody wanted to visit. So it was left alone by authors and a bulk of the EU was focused on the very distant past and the time following the events of the movies. Yet, even when Lucas finally decided to go ahead with the prequel he still gave no regard for the canon, and managed to irreparably damage more than a few key plot points that had repercussions throughout the universe. Since then, they have been retconned and corrected, but now if they make a movie set firmly in a time period that has been so fervently written about there is a potential for catastrophic failure. It will be like an elephant trying to find an apartment in a house of cards, it may all come tumbling down. If that happens Disney runs the risk of turning their new Star Wars franchise into their Narnia franchise... a thing of mediocrity... and even outright disdain by some.

 

The Solo children praying that
they won't be played by the
cast of Hannah Montana.

Thirdly, they may have a problem even if they stick to the canon for the movie. 2013 will mark thirty years since the release of Return of the Jedi. I did some research and thirty years after the Battle of Endor, the events of the Dark Nest Crisis take place. Even by Star Wars standards that event is a bit obscure, so it is more likely that the movie will focus on the later events of the Darth Caedus saga... This is a problem. One, it immediately paints my favorite EU character (Jacen Solo) as a villain. Also, the story is so convoluted I have no idea how even a decent writer will be able to pull anything of use from the multi-book story arc of bantha fodder. Lastly, at this point in time, the Star Wars universe has become so vastly different  from what casual movie-watching fans know it to be, that almost certainly key things and events in the universe will have to be changed to "dumb-it-down." Yet, even though there are far better book trilogies out there to use, (like Kevin J. Anderson's Jedi Academy trilogy,) they will be impossible to make because the principal actors are way too old to play the parts required of them. (I mean just look at Harrison Ford.) 

 

So once again this sale and this decision shows that Lucas cares little for his established fans and only about the money in his wallet. It is a disappointing move from a man who started his career making an artsy-hippie film that contained not a single living person in it. Georgey Boy lost his way. A long time ago, he made movies that had action figures made after them. Now he makes action figures and tries to figure out how to base a movie on them. Phantom Menace was like the old GI Joe cartoon where it was just one big commercial aimed at kids... except the GI Joe cartoons were entertaining. George, I can only imagine how tiresome it must get for you to listen to all the complaints and suggestions of die-hard fans, but sometimes, just because they are annoying, does not necessarily mean they are wrong. I mean you insisted on writing the prequel movies despite the fact that Lucasfilm has access to a pool of incredibly talented and Star Wars savvy writers who, anyone could see, were more talented and better prepared for taking on the task.

 

Now that Lucas has sold the whole thing to Disney (The Richest Place on Earth) I can only foresee this downward trend continuing. This whole thing is enough to make a nerd like me lose hope. It's almost like an evil faceless Empire (ruled by an old powerfulf man, and a creature dressed mostly in black with a weird voice,) is trying to take away all the freedom and prosperity of the Star Wars Galaxy and keep it for themselves. If only there was some way to rebel against it, maybe even find a convenient weakness in their sphere-shaped super weapon. There isn't, a lesson Lucas himself taught us. The original trilogy may have shown us how to fight for good and rebel against evil, but his latest installment showed us the true meaning of Star Wars... There is no resisting the Dark Side, especially when there are billions of dollars to be made.

 

Georgey Boy sold Lucasfilm for roughly four billion dollars. Admittedly, he says he will be donating the bulk of that to charity. Hey George, I have a kickstarter charity you can give all your money to if you're in the market. It's going to be called Preserve Star Wars for the Fans project, because whatever has been sold to Disney can be bought from Disney. My goal is about 6 billion... Care to Donate?