What Sandy Taught Me

Seaside Height and the rest of the Jersey Shore got hit bad...
[Insert your joke here]

It has been a while since I blogged, mostly due to the fact that I was without power for six days. It's been a long week for people in the New York area, and it's not over yet. There are still hundreds of thousands of people in New Jersey and New York without power, trees still litter the roadways causing unsafe driving conditions, and cars are lined up for hours just to get gas. All in all, it has been a surreal experience, especially when you see pictures of places hit hardest along the coasts. However, throughout this whole experience I have learned a few things along the way, and even though they may not be able to help me survive the coming cyborg uprising of 2018, they at least have managed to scare the hell out of me.

Al Gore Was Right, he did invent the Internet. Yet besides that he has been blowing the global warming trumpet louder than that tone-deaf kid in band camp who used to be a drummer but had to be reassigned after he broke two snares and a bass. Though, I still have doubts about whether it is totally a man made problem (or the fact that we will not eventually be able to make it right,) it is kind of hard to deny the existence of global warming. In fact the reason Sandy caused as much trouble as it did, even as a category 1 hurricane, was due to rising sea levels and warmer ocean currents. If you doubt me just check out this article by NPR. And you know its true, because those guys are too boring to make something like this up.



The Sea Levels Are Going to Kill Us All, and by us I mean everyone on the eastern seaboard of America. Calm down Iowa, you're fine. As you can see from the graphic on the left, the dark green points will be underwater if the sea levels rise 1 meter (3 feet), and the light green will be flooded at 2 meters (6 feet). The light blue is gone with nothing more than a gentle wave, and if the sea levels rise by 6 meters or more we might as well start drawing new maps. Large parts of New York City, New Jersey, and pretty much every retirement community in Florida will be underwater.

The Weatherman Was Right, who'd have thunk it. In all seriousness, I am a person who watches the weather than completely ignores what those funny named newscasters tell me, (Rip Storm, Frank Thunder, Marduk, son of Ea, slayer of Tiamat, etc...) Unfortunately, this time they were right. Maybe they should all pack up and go to Vegas, they might be on a roll, also they can't go to Atlantic City... yeah... awkward...

 

When the Apocalypse Comes 40% of the People will Die of Stupidity, and I don't have a follow up joke to this. People who go without power or Internet for a few days start to panic and then calm down and then re-panic. It comes in waves like a Family Guy joke. It's funny at first, grows less funny with time, and is then hysterical again, (and by hysterical I mean how hard that woman was crying the other day in line for food at the supermarket,) and this is only temporary. I have to wonder how many people waiting in line to get gas actually need gas or were just frightened there out of some primal need to sit in a line. For that matter, why didn't these people get gas before the hurricane like they were told to, or why didn't they evacuate when they were told to, or why didn't they do anything they were warned to do. Partially it is not their fault, (Nobody believes Channel 5's Norton "Nor" Easter, anymore.) People who evacuated during Irene saw a mild storm that did nothing to affect their house or belonging, so they stayed this time. They were wrong.

 

Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, nephew. They're
a wonderful, friendly people – as long as their bellies are full
and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature
comforts... deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers... put
their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time... and
those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people will become
as nasty and violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon.

In a real apocalypse that rising tide of panic most people will feel will not ebb or be subsided so easily by calm words from a man in a suit. A wise Ferengi once told me that human beings are fine as long as they are comfortable, but the minute you take away their power and make them stand in a six hour gas line of the bygone-Carter era, there are going to be some troubles. New Yorkers are well known for their generosity in a crisis and that's true... as long as the crisis lasts 48-hours and affects someone else. It turns out losing power for a week or more makes certain people testy. In a real situation, people's panic will most likely persist and grow as they realize their life (as they knew it) is over. No more Heating/AC, no more Facebook or Twitter, and no more indoor plumbing. When that kind of realization strikes a lot of people will get desperate and stupid. They will do desperate and stupid things, and for anyone who has their head on straight you had best make sure you are not some how in the way of that derailed train to doomtown.

 

It is Possible to Read a George R.R. Martin Novel in One Week By Candle Light, in case you were interested in ever trying it. However I did find out that candle light is very weak and hurts the eyes like hell. No wonder so many people in colonial times were forced to wear glasses. Their eye sight was probably horrible. I'm looking at your Benjamin Franklin, you bifocaled bastard.

 

The 44th President shaking hands with the 45th President of
The United States of America.

Learn to Laugh, or you'll never survive. This blog comes about because of my own frustrations over the past few days. I have been a bit punchy being out of work for so long without power or proper heat, and resorting to doing my writing by hand has been interesting (to say the least.) I am very happy to have my computer back and working and I plan on spending the next few hours busily at work with my new novel. Yet throughout the whole ordeal the thing that struck me the most was the general malaise I felt. I would wake up, see that my power was not back on and go to sleep. There wasn't much to do other than cook grilled cheese sandwiches and wait. I think that kind of sloth can make anyone irritable but the best way I foudn to counter that, is by laughing and just staying active. In the end, its really going to be your mental state that will determine how and if you make it through a crisis. So when you pack your survival bag for next time, add a joke book or a mad-lib. It may be the very thing that keeps you sane.