Top Ten Books You'll Never Read

In honor of the fact that no one in the public is probably ever going to see the novel I just finished writing I have decided to list the top ten books/pieces of writing that none of us shall ever get to read... Mostly because they are fictional... and I don't mean they are fiction books, I mean that they are completely fiction... they don't exist. I tried to keep the list limited to fictional books, plays, and in one instance a newspaper article, (and a few instructional books.) However, I felt it best to exclude highly-technical fictional works such as Starfleet's General Orders, the technical schematics for the Incom T-65 X-Wing, or the Superhero Registration Act.


Honorable Mentions: Faster Than the Speed of Love, by Brian Griffin; The Neverending Story, by Unknown Author, The Philosphy of Time Travel by Roberta Sparrow; The Labryinth, by Unknown Playwright; Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, by Dennis Reynolds; The Coffee Table Book, by Cosmo Kramer; the Encyclopedia Galatica (by Issac Assimov); and Dealbreakers: A Girl's Guide to Shutting it Down, by Liz Lemon.


10. The Big Book of War by Zapp Brannigan (Futurama)

Synopsis: Written by Rear Brigadier General Major Webelo, Captain Zapp Brannigan, perhaps one of the most decorated and well known starship captains of the Democratic Order of Planets, the Big Book of War describes many of Captain Brannigan's own strategies on how he won some his most famous campaigns, such as his defeat of the Pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, his victory over the Killbots of the Auctilian system, or his heroic conquest of the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula. Learn the secrets of war from the man who wrote a book on it, literally.

Amazon User Review: Twenty four and a Half Stars: I simply could not put it down. I was not truly a man till I read this book. Captain Brannigan has inspired me both personally and sexually. -user:CaptainVelourLover1729


9. The Man Inside Me by Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development)

Synopsis: In this breakthrough book, The Man Inside Me. Dr. Tobais Fünke combines a new theory of psychotherapy along with stories of his own struggles in life, to touch men everywhere. For there is a man inside all of us, and only when he is finally out can we walk free of pain. This book will help show you "the you" that you have put away and hid from the world, hung up like a forgotten coat. Now is the time to get down off that hanger and step from that closet and proclaim to the world that, "No longer will I be kept in. I am out and I am proud."

Amazon User Review: Five Stars: This book changed my life. When my analrapist first recommended it, I was wary, but coupled with my prescription for Teamocil, this book has truly changed my life. Never again will I shrink down, limp like a scared turtle, afraid of who I am. Instead, now whenever I meet another man I will proudly stand up straight and tall, ready for action. -user:Pirateparty96


8. A Match Made in Space by George McFly (Back to the Future)

Synopsis: In his debut novel, author George McFly gives us a fascinating look into a world of love and aliens. Taking place in 1950's suburban California, A Match Made in Space tells the tale of a young and awkward high school teenager, the girl of his unrequited affection, and their friendship with a being from beyond the stars. Together they explore the galaxy and the emotions of the human heart. A classic science fiction novel with a love story twist this book will lift you from the ground and leave you on another planet.

Amazon User Review: One and a Half Stars: Great Scott, this book was completely and utterly scientifically inaccurate. HG Wells is rolling in his grave. I mean the aliens did not make any sense at all. This story could have just as easily been about people from the future. -user:Doctor121


7. Handbook for the Recently Deceased (Beetlejuice)

Synopsis: Are you prepared for your afterlife? Do you have many questions about what lays beyond the mortal coil? In the Handbook for the Recently Deceased, you will find all the answers and guidance you will need. Whether you have a question about etiquette during your own funeral, the existence of God, sex in the afterlife, or even if you are just looking for tips on haunting, this handbook tells it all. Caution: This book is not meant for mortal eyes. Attention all mortals, get this book now for the special Kindle sales price of  $0.99.

Amazon User Review: Three Stars: Personally, I never needed it, but I can see how some chumps feel like they would need a safety blanket for death. I mean it's not really complicated when you think about it. Dead is dead, am I right? Come on... Right? -user:SayMyName3x


6. How I Did It by Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Young Frankenstein)

Synopsis: Pronoucned Fronk-en-steen this book laid buried for years until it was rediscovered by the doctor's great grandson Fredrick. Mostly journal entries and scientific notes, the book helps lay out  Dr. Frankenstein's miraculous findings on the techniques he used to conquer death. Though results can often be mixed and ethically questionable, you cannot argue with the the wow factor of using lightning in lab experimentation.

Amazon User Review: Four Stars: Me like book. Me get it on Kindle... Ahh, fire bad! -user:NotMonster123


5. Advanced Potion Making by Libatus Borage (and Severus Snape) (Harry Potter)

Synopsis: This book is a limited edition copy of the text book for advanced potion making class for year-six students at Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. With annotations by a student known as the Half-Blood Prince, this is one of the most useful text books a student will ever own. Whether you are looking to improve your polyjuice potions or learn a particularly vicious new spell meant for your enemies this book will have something for everyone, Sytherin and Griffindor alike.

Amazon User Review: Two Stars: Though this book is a tool of education, and I certainly endorse the learning of knowledge, especially through reading, many of the annotations are dangerous and if used improperly can be turned toward darker arts. I caution anyone purchasing this book to not do so, -user:Gr4ng3r1997


4. Why the World Needs Superman by Lois Lane (DC Comics)

Synopsis: A reprint of the Pulitzer Prize winning article by Daily Planet Reporter Lois Lane  Why the World Needs Superman, the piece describes the Man of Steel in his own words and in his own deeds. Conducted through a series of interviews with Superman, Lane is able to show a real human-side to this alien from another world. This was the article that first introduced us to our larger-than-life hero, and made us believe that a man really could fly.

Amazon User Review: Three and a Half Stars: Superman has done a lot of good in the world, but sitting down to answer the questions of a reporter is always a mistake. Heroes are meant to work from the shadows. It is not about publicity. It is about justice. -user:BWayne1223
 

3. There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit)

Synopsis: The heroic tale of the Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, as he travels from his warm and comfy hobbit hole to the darkest reaches of the forest and the deepest dragon filled caves of the East. Hear the tale told in Bilbo's own words and through the eyes of a Hobbit who had once thought the most thrilling thing in life was to put up his feet while smoking his pipe.

Amazon User Review: One Star: Very unoriginal. This is basically the exact same book as the Hobbit, but told from the perspective of Bilbo. Worse yet, the author has no natural skill in writing. This might as well be poorly written fan fiction. I don't think Baggins has even heard of a punctuation mark, and all that flowery script just makes the book impossible to read. Don't waste your time on this one. -user: HipsterMcHippy82


2. Tobin's Spirit Guide by Jonathon Horace Tobin (Ghostbusters)

Synopsis: A compendium of different spectres, spooks, and spirits all encountered and catalogued throughout the life of the author. Original publication date is unknown, but most estimates put it before the Second World War. New publications have been updated with expanded information, with many additional information supplied by Dr. Egon Spengler. This is a must have book for any professional or amateur ghost-hunter.

Amazon User Review: Four and Half Stars: Truly the most complete and comprehensive guide to all ectoplasmic entities currently residing in our corporeal realm. It is amazing the details that Tobin was able to find with his primitive methods of ghostbusting. I just wish his entries on focused, non-terminal repeating phantasms were more detailed. That little spud has put our food bill through the roof. -user:DrRayman81


1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Megadodo Publications (HGTTG)

Synopsis: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway? It's already supplanted the Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for two important reasons. First, it's slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC printed in large friendly letters on its cover.

Amazon User Review: No Stars: Why even bother. There is no way you will read the whole thing, and therefore you will die of being ill-prepared. Everything dies, even me, and I'm not even alive. I've depressed myself again. -user:HeartofMarvin


Non-Applicable Mentions: For the records I would have replaced Number 5 with the Tales of Beedle the Bard, but Rowling already went ahead and made that into a printed a book. Similarly, I probably would have replaced number 4 with Under the Hood by Holis Mason, but Alan Moore already printed most of that as supplemental material to the Watchmen comics.

Jersey Sure

This is an article that I have written at least three times in my small and meager writing career, (mostly for local and school publications,) but it is an article that bears repeating. I know everyone has a special place for their home state in their heart, but for many New Jerseyians it sometimes gets hard to defend our state from others, especially when there is so much ammo out there available.

 

This all comes about because this Thursday marks the premiere of the sixth and (mercifully) final season of a certain program on MTV. (Spoiler: Alert) In the series finale the cast of the Jersey Shore realizes that they are like 45 frelling years-old and its about time they stopped spending every night getting drunk and committing statutory rape, and went out and got real jobs... Nah, I'm just kidding, that's never going to happen... Really, the show will end by them all finding out they have VD, and I am pretty sure Snooki returns and eats J-Woww... like with a fork.

 

The Jersey Shore is just one of the many examples of the negative Jersey-stereotypes being pushed on the international community of TV watchers. Other shows like The Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Jerseylicious (sic?) are all part of a trend of Jerseyplotation that has really cemented the bad name of my beloved state. Yet in all fairness, Jersey has had its bad rap for decades before The Situation ever polluted the beaches of the shore. Go back even as far as the 70's and you'll find "Dirty Jersey" jokes littered among movies and pop culture references, mostly due to our position as New York's reluctant step-brother.

Everyone in NJ has a "Friend of a Friend" story about a
Jersey Devil sighting. They are usually brief and terrifying

In the words of a columnist in the Bergen Record (whose name I have forgotten) "There is no reason why the rest of the country should treat New Jersey the way New Jersey treats Seaside Heights." The point being is that we are not a state full of fist-pumping, steroid taking, Italian flag-waving, Mafioso-wannabe, Bruce Springsteen-hugging, over-tanned, under-dressed, gold-chain-wearing, stuck-in-the-eighties, walking stereotypes... Well, not all of us, anyway.

 

You may see us as a stereotype of loud, obnoxious, guidos stuck in filthy urban sprawl, but that is only because you are thinking of Staten Island. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas, but don't let that fool you. Leaving New York City you have to drive through places like Jersey City, Newark, Fort Lee, and leaving Philadelphia you could find yourself in Camden, (and no one wants to just find themselves in Camden.) Now, as our gateways to the major cities, these are not the most flattering first impressions, but they are only a small part of the picture. In between those two points are mountains, miles and miles of forests (what we call the Pine Barrens,) acres of farmland, and more than our fair share of people who enthusiastically nod when Jeff Foxworthy quizzes them on their status as Rednecks. New Jersey is actually one of the most geographically diverse states in the Union, boasting everything from the highest altitude along the eastern seaboard, at Highpoint, NJ, to the low-lying vinelands of Southern Jersey, to over fifty historic beach towns, including Cape May, (the oldest one in America.) We may have the largest petroleum containment area outside the Middle East (which is why our gas will always be at least 10 cents cheaper than yours,) but New Jersey is also the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production, not to mention Jersey tomatoes, eggplant, and sweet corn, all of which are renowned throughout the world as being among the best.

So maybe you see New Jersey as some kind of Soprano-land mafia state… You’re kind of right... but if it wasn’t for our Mafioso friends and our other non-connected Italian immigrants we would be out of some of the best things about my home state. I'm talking about Italian sausage and pepper, real and authentic pasta, Mediterranean cuisine, and some of the best damn pizza that you will find anywhere in the world. I should really amend that statement and say "some of the best food in the world." Because my little state is also one of the most diversely ethnic states in the union, (despite what MTV wants you to think). We have people with backgrounds from every country in the world living here. Union City even has more Cubans per square mile than Havana, Cuba. That means you can can find almost any type of food you have a craving for, Cuban, Greek, Portuguese, Polish, German, Irish, anything... and they have all brought their best recipes to New Jersey. Yet, let's not forget about the diners. NJ has more diners than any place in the world. That means anytime you are hungry, drunk, or both there is usually a place where you can get anything from breakfast to burgers to cheesecake and bottomless coffee, at all hours of the day. (I need to stop writing blogs around lunch time.)

Now I'll try not to waste your time with anymore statistics, (such as, how in New Jersey's coastal waters there have been no major die-offs of fish or bottom-dwelling sea-creatures in the last decade, due in large part to the fact the NJ has the most stringent water quality control testing policies in the entire country;) or facts, (such as how NJ was the third state to ratify the Constitution on December 18, 1787, only 11 days after the first state, Delaware;) or even the usual Jersey-gripping, (even though the NY Giants/Jets Stadium is actually in New Jersey, along with the Statue of Liberty.) For all the rest of the facts and more you can go here and for all the inside jokes you can go here.

 

Sightings of the creature known
as Snooki can often be as
terrifying, but unfortuantely
not as brief.

New Jersey has always had a rather unique identity, mostly because of the evident split that occurs within our borders. There is South, North and (much like "y") sometimes Central, but lets focus on North Jersey (which is where I am from.) Eastern North Jersey is closer to the stereotypical New Jersey that everyone expects to see on TV. That is because of the proximity of that side of the state to New York, and of course New York City is one of the largest metropolitan hubs for people, information, and media. Thus, the jokes that New Yorkers used to make about New Jersey in private have tended to find themselves embedded in the culture. Unfortunately, in our culture the bad will always outshine the good, so when people think of New Jersey they don't think, "Hey that's the place where Edison used to live, or where they played the first ever baseball game.." No, people tend to think, "Hey look at me, I like Bon Jovie and I'm from New Joisy." (again you idiots, that's a Staten Island accent, or even sometimes a Brooklyn accent.)
 

Unfortunately, this wave of Jerseyplotation is only showing signs of getting worse. Jersey Shore might be coming to end, but rest assured whether you are talking about tough talking cake-bakers who live in Hoboken or women running a beauty salon in Freehold, this trend isn't going away soon.

"New Jersey has become like an industrial ingredient for reality TV," says Hugh Curnutt, media history professor at Montclair State University. "If you’re in California and you hear about a new reality TV show about New Jersey, you already know that it’s probably about Italian-Americans, family, culture and it will tend to follow the caricatures that are on other shows. That may not be what people want to see but that’s what they’re given to see." NJ Becomes Reality Mainstay

Admittedly, driving in NJ is a much more
complex issue, of which I would require a
degree in advanced geometry to explain, but
sufficed to say, in Jersey, three rights don't
always equal a left (3R ≈ L)

And despite the protests of Italian-American organizations, NJ Governor Chris Christie, and most of the State of New Jersey below New Brunswick, we are going to let it keep happening, and for one reason... money. Take for example the shore-town of Seaside Heights. Seaside was the scummiest, lowest-class, most screwed-up of all the Jersey shore towns. It was the place you went after prom for the weekend, because you knew you could get a shore-house, get cases and cases of beer, wreck the house you were renting, (I mean literally put holes in the plaster walls,) and suffer no consequences for any of it, as a seventeen year-old high school student, (maybe that much has not changed,) but thanks to the cast of the Jersey Shore and the spectacle of reality TV, Seaside Heights and its local merchants have turned their crappy little shore town into a gold mine of profit. The beaches are more packed than ever, there is even a booming winter crowd (practically unheard of eight years ago) of international tourists that are now making pilgrimages to Seaside just to walk upon its ground. I know this because I personally escorted an Aussie there and watched as she took pictures of the their house (?!?), got ripped off for "official" Jersey shore t-shirts, and generally pumped her money into the Seaside economy harder than the cast of Jersey Shore can pump their fists after their eighth shot of jagermeister, (or whatever some-such nonesense the kids are drinking today...) She wasn't the only one either. In taxes alone NJ is making a lot of money off this craze, but that also begs the question, "What is your soul worth?"

Ironically, reality TV is one of the only job markets that seems to be growing in New Jersey these days. Maybe that is the true solution to the down-heading economy. Maybe we should all just act like idiots and 2D caricatures in front of a camera and get our own reality shows. (Though if any TV executives are reading this I might consider accepting a position in a new reality show called Nerd Jersey... but only if I get a producing credit as well...) After all, the rest of the country (and parts of the world) seem to already see us as just a state full of big-haired, atomic-tanned, loud mouthed, jack asses... It must be true... I mean there is no possible way we could be a state that also had people who are doctors, policemen, teachers, firemen, soldiers, scientists, writers, husbands, fathers, mothers, sisters, or anything quite so mundane... As you can tell I'm still not too thrilled with the way six idiots and their counter-parts get to portray my state for the world to see. There is so much more to New Jersey than beaches and pollution. The only real solution I can offer, is that you should come and see it for yourself. At the very least, you'll get a good meal... I mean you should eat something... You're looking a little thin...

 

The Benefits of Nazis

You know you want to cheer.

I couldn't sleep last night so I stayed up to watch an old episode of Lois & Clark on the Hub (one of those high numbered obscure channels.) Let me say this right off the bat, that show has not aged well. In fact, I would wager to say that I could relate better to George Reeves as Superman than Dean Cain, but that's besides the point. The episode was titled "Super Mann." It told the tale of three young (read: attractive) German members of the Nazi party that were put into suspended animation in 1942, and placed under Metropolis, (because where else would you put your Nazi TV Dinners,) and set to awaken fifty years later, 1992. Once awakened they joined an extensive secret Nazi network already set in place by members of the 3rd Reich who fled into the US before the war's end. This covert network consisted of powerful, rich, and famous people who were sent to pave the way for their frozen Aryan saviors.

The plot of the episode basically established that the Nazis had been working in secret as senators, high ranking military officials, businessmen, and celebrities since the late 1940's to subvert American values and start a 4th Reich. Through their media connections, politics, and high-profile power, this new secret Nazi party was gaining followers and changing people's minds. Now that's some pretty heavy stuff for a mid-90's romance-sitcom based around the serendipitous happenstance of what happens when one person is Teri Hatcher the other person is Dean Cain pretending to be an actor. Sufficed to say I was intrigued. Here seemed an opportunity to do a really intricate and nuanced story about Superman suddenly having to face a foe he could not fight with brute strength, public opinion. Then I realized I was watching Lois & Clark, and instead of a nuanced and well explored story line, the episode ended with the head Nazi golden boy stepping onto stage in a nation-wide broadcast, a swastika behind him, to announce that three nuclear warheads were buried under three major US cities. If the President did not.... blah blah blah blah...

The story set up seemed to be leading to a plot that had a chance to invoke the type of feelings and horror that happened in 1930's Germany. I was hoping to see an episode where one charismatic and influential leader was depicted swinging public opinion away from sanity toward savagery and eugenics, with Superman caught in the middle, and helpless to fight the rising tide of irrationality. Instead, the carefully placed and meticulous plan of this network of Nazi spies (who had spent the last fifty years working toward secret domination of America,) turned out to be nothing but a hackneyed "nation-for-ransom" plot they probably stole from Lex Luthor's trash bin. In the end, the whole episode ended with Superman showing up, punching some Nazis in the face, and everyone cheering... but I am digressing.

Nazi Super Science... For those times when regular
super science just isn't evil enough.

All of this leads me to my first point on the benefits of Nazis: Everyone wants to punch a Nazi in the face. What I mean to say is that Nazis make the best villains. Why do you think it is that Captain America and Indiana Jones have kept so much appeal over the years?... They punch Nazis. When you're looking for a villain you really cannot do any better than a megalomaniacal quasi-military group that has its sights set on world domination, has a fanatical belief in racial purity, an almost zealot-like conviction in their own rightness, and even the occasional obsession with the occult and super sciences. Better yet, they aren't even fictional. The only close second we really have is Communists and on spectrum of villainy the Commies rate maybe a 4.5. (I mean really it's all become kind of a gray issue since that wall fell.) Nazis, on the other hand rate the full 10, if not more. I defy you to watch a parade of black uniformed officers march down the street and give the Hitler salute and not feel a chill go up your spine.

That brings me to the next benefit of Nazis: We're so much better than they are. I mean that in every possible way, of course, morally, militarily, sexually etc. When you see Superman, Captain America, Indiana Jones, and the hundreds of other American heroes sock it to Hitler and his boys you can't but feel a little thrill. Its like in that one moment we feel more like Americans than ever before. It is  kind of reassurance of who we are. I mean we may not be the greatest, but at least we're not Nazis. That reminds me of a scene in the Rocketeer where, when the gangsters find out he and his men have been, working for a Nazi spy and they immediately turn on him saying something akin to "we may be criminals, but we're Americans." In a way, defeating a Nazi confirms for us our own identity, not only as Americans, but as a morally upstanding people, even if we are sometimes criminals.

As with so many other things the way we see Nazis often says more about ourselves than anything. (I know this is a weird topic, but stick with me on this one.) For instance, American stories tend to look at Nazis more as the "other." Basically, they are the enemy, they will always be the enemy, because they are evil. However, the British view on Nazis tends to focus less on them as physical enemies and more on the dangers of their ideology. Take as an example V for Vendetta. The British have an acute awareness that "but for the flip of a coin" the UK could have easily become a fascist state of its own. Thus, to our friends across the pond the rise of an internal Nazi-like government seems to be a much more terrifying prospect than an actual army of invading Nazis (because they already faced that and kicked their collected goose-stepping asses). As an American, a fascist Nazi-esque government taking hold on its own seems almost ridiculous. At the very least it probably would not last for long, because we have this image of ourselves as freedom fighters. We like to believe that we would immediately revolt or fight back against anything that would so drastically restrict our freedom. So we tend to use the idea of physical Nazi invasion as opposed to possibility of such a government arising on its own. Our psyche just does not allow us to see the later of the choices as a possibility, and the former allows us a glimpse (what we perceive as) better days.

This leads me to my next point, Nazis allow us to be relive the Golden Age of America. There is a reason we call them the "Greatest Generation," and that is because they fought Nazis. This also brings me back to my last point, because when you really look at America before World War II, you see a lot of things that may not have been the "greatest." The practice of eugenics, the belief in the supremacy of the white race, rampant prejudice against Jewish people, those were not singularly Nazi ideals. The Germans may have crystallized them all and did them far better than everyone else, but before the war, Hitler had a lot of support in Europe, Britain, and even America. Then that all changed.

I am toying with the idea that modern American morality may be (at least partially) based off the the concept that Nazism was so heinous that we did our best to reject everything we saw as even remotely close to the policies of the 3rd Reich. I'm not saying it was perfect, but in a lot of ways America sort of woke up. You may not be aware, but in the late 30's early 40's, it was legal in many states to practice a form of forced sterilization for anyone suspected of mental defects or retardation. Even the great Alexander Graham Bell was considered one of the first modern and largest advocates for eugenics.

The Nazi Party... Still just as stupid,
but now it comes in bite-size.

Fast forward to after the war and suddenly we have a country who has now witnessed the horrors and atrocities that are the logical end of the ideas of racial purity. It's like that moment when someone takes your joke as truth and does something terrifyingly unbelievable. It's a cold water wake up call in the face, and (despite what we like to believe) there must always be a moment of doubt when you have to think, "That could have been us." Yet, by 1942 the Nazi part is the most evil thing in the world, and America begins a realignment to be the good that opposes that evil. It is part of the American self-image that Americans are the good guys and Nazis are the bad guys. We became the Anti-Nazis, and similar to how you cannot define light without comparing it to dark, maybe you can't fully define American without defining Nazi. I am not saying we are the only country that did this, nor am I saying that is a bad thing. Actually, its probably a very good thing, so long as we recognize the underlying morality of it all.

Of course, their haven't been any real Nazis in sixty years (Modern Nazis are mostly just balded-headed idiots living in trailers in the Deep South.) The model is starting to grow old, and we no longer seem to have any enemies to define ourselves against. Communists were always kind of a weak substitution (if you ask me,) and modern terrorists are dangerous, but hardly anything that will take down America as a whole. More over, talking about those two groups leads to a lot of gray areas and questions of religion, social beliefs, and nuances of world politics, but a Nazi will always be a Nazi, instantly recognizable and unquestioningly evil.

Still, I don't see the 4th Reich rising anytime soon, so maybe it's time America starts finding new ways to define itself. Mostly because of my last and most important point, Nazis are cliched. Really my first thought upon seeing the direction of the Lois & Clark episode was, "Oh, they're doing Nazis?" In many ways the Nazis have become a lot like the Borg in Star Trek, over exposure has led to their homogenization as enemies to the point of becoming a bad trope. I would say rule of thumb is that after fifty years, any historical villain tends to lose its teeth and should probably be restricted from use, (unless the story is actually set in the aforementioned historical times.) In all fairness, the Lois & Clark episode was on the cusp of that rule, but really from the 2012 perspective it could have easily just have been Romans, British Redcoats, or Secret Southern Confederates, and the plot would not had to change much (it still would have been just as cheesy). However, I will admit that none of those historical enemies are quite as satisfying to punch in the face.

Bravo Flight

I have not been keeping up with my blogging lately, mostly because I have become consumed by my planning next book. I am delving way out of my comfort zone to play fighter pilot in a sem-realistic future world. I have been doing a lot of reasearch not only on aviation and future aviation but on terms, structure, and other basic aspects of military life. I still have a lot more to do before I can come close to even beginning work on my first story draft, but to get a feel I wrote a small test chapter. I have included a portion of it in this post. I would very much appreciate any feedback or ideas people might have as I launch myself head first into the brand new and exciting project.

 

Picture courtesy of ~Lung2005
at Deviantart

"Look alive, squad. Hostiles, 400-k and closing, 9-low." The voice brought Mason out of his own thoughts. The targeting computer on the HUD in his flight helmet immediately registered the enemy aircraft as they came into sensors range, appearing as red triangles against a green background.

"9 o'clock?" responded a disembodied voice from the other end of his earpiece. "I don't get up before 11."

"Cut the talk, Seven," came the clipped British response. "Five, control your flight."

"Yes, sir," said Mason.

"Assigning targets."

Mason watched as a red circle flared to life around one of the small triangles on the HUD. Simultaneously a double red circle appeared on the main display of his helmet, outlining a firing corridor that led to his assigned hostile. He held down the confirm switch on his flight-stick and dub-blinked on the radar hit to set the lock. A satisfying deep baritone hum sang in his ear as the computer system acknowledged the lock. "Locked," he called out.

The phrase repeated seven more times across the board as the men and women in the formation around him found their own targets.

"Breach," the single word floated to him through his headset as if spoken by some voice of his own imagining.

For a sureal moment the most distant part of his mind registered that the speaker of the word was not American. Too much little emphasis was put on the "ea" sound of the word. Ever since he was a kid Mason had always been amazed how different people could look at even a single word and come up with so many different ways of saying it.

The more active part of his mind only registered the command and the implied action. "Fox 3," he called out as he slammed home the firing button on his stick. The cockpit below his feet rumbled as the missile doors opened. The delay between pressing the button and the rewarding ignition of the missile had always irked him. Realistically, he knew that his payload had to stay concealed below the airframe to maintain the craft's stealth profile, but instinctually Mason had always wanted more of a one-to-one response, like how it was in the video games he grew up playing. Maybe that's why pilots had joking come to call the delay Server Lag.

The time between trigger and ignition was in actuality less than a second of time, and finally Mason heard the AMRAAM roar to life. It streaked away trailing a brilliant blue jet of flame and joined a flock of its brethren as they too emerged from the bellys of the craft around him.

Their targets, Dragon-24 Hōshō aircraft, didn't stand a chance. They were more than ten years out of date, they could barely be called gen-7 fighters. Their SD sensors had no way of warning their pilots of the danger they were in until it was too late. Mason's own craft the FX-42 Archangel was top of the line gen-7 tech. It was never going to be a fair fight. You almost never saw a Hōshō in the air anymore, except in training simulations.

All eight hostiles scrambled. Their signals blurring momentarily on the HUD as the craft activated their SHIELD systems to try and fool the locks, but their pilots might as well have been trying to ward off the missiles with prayer. Five craft vaporized under the salvo, one was clipped but maintained and two managed to evade. Mason's own target was nothing but scrap and ash.

He wondered if the pilot had managed to eject. He always wondered that. Mason never thought of himself as a killer, but that was only because air combat was so impersonal. It was easy to blow up a piece of technology, it was hard to remember that there was a person inside it. He hoped that the pilot had managed to bail, he always did.

The three remaining hostiles turned tail and dodged out, one limping away on only one engine.

"Locked," said a voice in his head.

"Stand down," Mason said. "Six, stand down."

"I'm not going to just let them get away." The voice was female and had a hard edge to it. He found no noticeable accent to her voice, most likely American. He could only barely place her face, with only a vague memory of dark long hair drawn tightly into a pony-tail.

"Stand-down, six." Mason put an edge to his own voice. He had been put in charge of Bravo Flight and he wasn't about to let some pilot's frantic ambition endanger the outlines of the mission parameters. He knew the commander was the listening. "You're not cleared to fire."

"Aye, sir." The response was terse, spoken through gritted teeth. He could almost hear her thumb ease up off the firing switch.

He let out a breath he had not known he was holding. The reprieve was brief.

His cockpit went wild as a screaming tone wailed inside his head. The HUD flashed red and the main display began a quick succession of calculations that ended in a growing red dot at the edge of his peripheral. Even as he turned his head to watch the small crimson pixel it grew in size, soon becoming a discernible circle against the blue backdrop of sky.

"I'm painted red!"

"Ghosts, bloody piss."

"Missile lock. Missile lock. "

"I'm red!"

The in-line channel was full of chatter.

The clipped British commands of the squadron leader were lost among the chaos of the other ILC transmissions. The words came so fast the calls began stepping on each other, like a frantic crowd of people clawing over one another to escape a fire, but there was no escape. So there was just panic.

"Scatter!" someone called, and Mason watched as the neat, orderly formation began to break up. Aircraft banked and dove, trying everything they could to shake the lock. It was every man for himself, every woman for herself. The terror was contagious and the more hysterical some pilots became the more the group as a whole began to feel the effects.

Waves of electromagnetic energy washed over Mason's instruments, momentarily scrambling them, as one or two of his more panicked squadron mates began to prematurely activate their SHIELDs.

All the while the small circle of his own incoming missile had grown to the size of a shirt button. 300-k and closing. Mason fought to keep his own panic in check. The memory of a plan swimming up out of the murky depths of his mind. "Cease alarm." The insistent blaring tone instantly died.

"Bravo flight on me," he said switching from squadron channel to flight channel. He could do nothing for the full group, but calming three voices as opposed to eleven was a lot easier.

"On your six," came the immediate and surprisingly calm American female voice.

"On your wing," said another heavily accented voice Mason had not recalled hearing before.

"Hell, if we're going to die, we might as well do it as a family," said Seven, his faint Aussie accent suddenly clear. The last craft tucked itself almost effortlessly behind his right wing.

"We're not going to die," said Mason in a voice that radiated a calm he did not, in fact, feel. His own hand was shaking so hard on the flight stick it was a surprise that his craft wasn't swaying wildly back and forth.

200-k and closing fast. The circle was now the size of an egg. The details of the missile clear beneath it.

"Follow the leader," called Mason and swung his angel around, pulling hard on the yoke. For a moment the word was sideways, the growing red circle on his helmet appearing on the solid metal flooring of the cockpit. Slamming the stick forward he put his craft into a steep dive toward the deck, his fellow pilots only a few hundred meters behind him, the world was plummeting up to meet them.

He risked a quick glance at his HUD Radar. It showed all four missiles less bearing down at less than 100-k. All round him the blue marks that had once represented the other members of his squadron were winking out of existence, their cries of help silenced one by one on the squadron wide frequency. With his tail to the chaos he could only image the sight of their fiery defeat.

He put the images from his mind. "Climb and SHIELD, only on my mark." His voice strained from the G's pushing him back in his flight cushion. The inertial compensators were practically screaming, but he wasn't done yet.

The forests of the pacific northwest had filled the view of his cockpit, but a quick glance behind him showed that the red circle had grown to grapefruit proportions. It was less than 45-k and still closing. Mason waited only another second, daring not to hesitate any longer.

"Mark," he screamed and pulled up on the stick. His vision blurred only slightly before his flight suit constricted, stemming the blood loss from his head. The warning lights flared to life again. The angel's onboard smart computer was compensating his maneuver, easing the sudden jerking movement out over a softer arc to protect the integrity of the airframe, but even with the unwanted interference it was less than a second before blue sky had once again replaced his view of the deep green forest.

He locked his gaze at a switch in the forward controls of the cockpit. The flight stick was still fighting him, he couldn't risk removing his hands for even a second. Instead, his dub-blinked on the switch. It immediately lit up blue, as the computer acknowledge his selection. "Activate," he said, and the node when from turquoise to emerald.

Over the rushing sound of wind and air friction against his cockpit he never heard the SHIELD's electromagnetic pulse activate, but he felt its effects as they rocked his craft and sent static across his instruments. A countdown timer appeared on the side of his helmet. Thirty seconds, and the System to Hull Integrated Electromagnetic Lock Defense would shut down automatically. Any longer and a pilot ran the risk of frying his own circuitry along with any missile in a 600 meter area.

The electromagnetic burst was followed closely by three more as his flight had managed to mimic his maneuver almost perfectly. The missiles, on the other hand, had a harder time. Even against less sophisticated AMRAAMs activating a craft's SHIELD was no sure defense, but coupled with the hard maneuver and the force of gravity their pursuers stood little chance.

The missiles were nearly on top of them when the electromagnetic wave disrupted their systems and reset the SatNav guidance. Unfortunately a dead and targetless missile was a still a missile, and as the four long slender cylinders plummeted past Mason's angel two collided. The explosion fell away, but the shockwave rattled the airframe of his craft, to say nothing of the teeth in his head.

Not all his pilots were so lucky. At the tail end of the formation Six screamed as the explosion engulfed her. "Fuck... " The line died.

Mason turned his head just in time to see the trailing archangel lose altitude. It tumbled wildly, burnt and sheared. Blue flames poured from the now exposed engines. Then it was gone, blocked by cloud cover as the three remaining angels ascended back toward the ceiling.

"She's going to be spewing mad," said his Aussie wingman.

"Keep your head in the clouds," said Mason. "This isn't over." As if to illustrate his point the HUD picked up six new contacts closing on them fast. It was the ghosts. They had come into active sensors range, which only meant one thing, they'd depleted their long-range AMRAAMs and were coming in to finish off their kill.

Mason leveled off his aircraft and took a quick assessment of his situation. They were the only three angels still in the sky. The rest of the squadron was destroyed or had dodged out of the arena. They were facing two to one odds against craft they had not even know existed five minutes before. Running was out of the question. There was only one thing left ot do.

His angel roared as the afterburner kicked in, and even now a familiar thrill wrenched at his gut as the craft below him rocket forward. "Break formation and engage." He smiled despite himself. "Time for a little payback."



 

A Golden Message

The Golden Record, inscribed on its surface are
instructions for playing the record.

It has been a while since I wrote a blog, mainly due to increasing pressures at work combined with being laid up from mouth surgery, but I am back, and I have been noticing a trend in my life lately. For the past few weeks, one object above others has kept popping up in my life, the Golden Disk, more precisely known as Voyager's Golden Record. It has been a mere strand of coincidences that this object has kept rearing its head, mostly due to my many hours of TV watching following my aforementioned surgery, but it is still a fascinating artifact when you really think about it, (and I have been.)

For anyone who does not know what I am talking about the Golden Records are, (those things that people used to listen to in the 70's that look like large CD's, and) they were placed aboard the Voyager spacecrafts containing information about humanity. Voyager 2 was launched first(paradoxically)  by NASA on August 20, 1977, followed  by Voyager 1 on September 5, 1977, (35 years ago, last week.) Initially set as an extension of Mariner missions to map Jupiter and Saturn, the Voyager program was extended to map all the outer planets of our solar system. Using gravity assisted trajectories the Voyagers were sent out from Earth and are responsible for some of our first images of planets like, Neptune and Uranus, (insert joke.) On December 19, 1977 Voyager 1 overtook the slower Voyager 2, (presumably just to show-up the upstart craft for launching first) and both have been traveling further outbound ever since.

As of September 9, 2012, Voyager 1 was 121.836 AU away from earth (Astronomical Unit, the distance from the Earth to the Sun.) or about 11.3 billion miles away. Voyager 2 is only about 9 billion. Voyager 1 is the farthest man-made object out in space and is currently traveling through the heliopause, which until now has only ever been a theoretical boundary between our solar system and the interstellar space where the sun's solar winds are stopped by the more powerful galactic winds. On May 23, 2007 Voyager 1 crossed into the heliopause and is predicted to reach interstellar space before 2015. Sunlight takes 16.89 hours to get to Voyager 1, and it is traveling at a rate of 38,120 mph, and heading for the constellation of Ophiuchus, (coincidently one of my favorite constellations). At its current rate, Voyager 1 will need about 17,565 years to travel a complete light year. It will be 40,000 years before it reaches the closest star on its outbound trajectory. The amazing part is that the Voyager spacecraft is still transmitting data back to NASA, and will continue to do so until about 2020, and completely lose all power sometime between 2025 and 2030. Yet, thanks to Newtonian Physics Voyager 1 will continue traveling on, into the deepest reaches of space like a small little ambassador from a distant blue planet.

Maybe it is that aspect which so captures the imagination. Even after we are long dead, Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 will still be out there streaming along, heading farther and farther away from our small insignificant little solar system, and within them they each carry a small record of humanity. The Golden Records are etched with instructions on how to play them using the record player that is encased within the housing of the spacecraft. The records contain images, videos, songs, and voice recordings from the people of Earth. The full content of the disk can be found here. Most notably the record contains a greeting from Jimmy Carter, which is ironic because of all the American Presidents I can think of, he never ranked very highly, (but I guess Lincoln was unavailable at the time of the launch.)

 

(Beast Wars) Megatron holds the Golden Disk which tells the
coordinates of the Energon rich planet of Earth.

When you think about it logically, the idea of the Golden Records makes very little sense. We basically attached a small compendium of trivial information about the human race onto two soon-to-be floating pieces of space junk that are not even aimed at an specific star. The Golden Records are a message in a bottle, a hopelessly romantic gesture from a small world that floats seemingly alone in an empty void. It is a whisper sent out from a lonely island in a vast sea of blackness. Yet, for that very reason, they have captured our imagination. The Golden Records have been referenced in everything from Pinky and the Brain to Doctor Who, from The West Wing to Transformers. Will it be found and played? What if the aliens are friendly? What if they are not? (The disk also contains crude coordinates for Earth.) What will the people look like who open it? What will they think of us?

 

Even the Voyager craft themselves can capture the imagination, as I learned when I watched Star Trek the Motion Picture (The first and second worst Star Trek movie) while I was recovering from surgery. The idea of something from Earth traveling so endlessly far is almost more than we can wrap our heads around. I liken it to the time when my dog got out and no one realized she was gone for a good hour. By the time we went looking for her, we found her walking calmly up the street back toward the house. We have no idea where she went or what adventures she had in the time she was gone, and we will never know. Realistically, she chased a squirrel, ran in circles, and gnawed on some grass. Similarly, Voyager 1 and 2 will mostly likely just spend the rest of their existence soaring endlessly through space till they are so ridden by micro-meteorite impacts that they fall apart into small pieces of debris, the Golden Records left unreadable. Then again, maybe Voyager 1 will accumulate microbial life, which will grow and develop into a sentient species that will spend the entirety of their existence traveling on a metal world hurtling through the void of space, never knowing the true origin of their "planet." Maybe, the craft will fall in a hole in the universe to another time and place, crashing on prehistoric Earth, or maybe it will actually be picked up by a passing alien vessel.

 

The crew of the Enterprise, in their super-tight uniforms,
confronts an alien modified Voyager (now called V'ger), saving
the day and Earth only because the Dad from 7th Heaven
falls in love with it. (I wish I was kidding.)

The odds of any other civilization finding Voyager 1 or its companion are astronomical, but really the allure of the Voyagers and their disks is not so much about the species that finds them as it is about the species that created them. The project was the brain-child of Carl Sagan, (you may know him as that science guy who likes to wear turtle necks,) and when you think about it, the images and sounds included on the disk are not even close to an accurate representation of life on Earth. They are full of the sounds of cheerful children saying hello in different languages, the sound of whales and birds and Beethoven and a Saturn V rocket taking off. No where on the disks do you see images of war, or hear the sounds of political infighting, or see anything about religious conflicts, pollution, or even hear a hint of Justin Beiber. Some would say the disks are a lie, but I think they represent what humanity has the potential to be. They represent what we want to be. The disks are Earth's first and best step forward in our introduction to the greater galaxy. After all, when you meet someone for the first time you do not start off by telling them how you talk in your sleep, secretly steal office supplies, or how you once hit that hiker with your car, but there was no around so you dragged the body into the woods and smeared it with honey, but that only attracted deer and no bears so you had to take more drastic measures by cutting up the body into smaller pieces, which you had to do in order to bury them in small holes in the frozen ground, yet now every time you go for a drive you can still see his haunted dead eyes looking up at you as you cover him in rock hard frigid dirt... uhh... I just mean that you always want to make a good impression and that's all the Golden Records are meant to do.

 

Ultimately, I like to believe that one day the disks will be recovered by an advanced space-faring race of beings, and perhaps those being will look a lot like us. The only people who have any real need for Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 are the same people who launched them out into the void in the first place. Perhaps, in a thousand years our ancestors will be the ones to travel out and recover the crafts and instead of spending the remainder of their lives deteriorating in the void they will sit on display as a testament to the will and hope of humanity as it took its first optimistic steps into the ocean of space. So maybe the Golden Disks serve not only as a greeting but as a time capsule and maybe even a finish line, because iit is quite possible that the next object to surpass Voyager 1 as the farthest human-made craft may in fact have actual humans on board.

Aquaman Fillet

Conversing with a good friend, Jon, we were rehashing an argument as old as time itself (and by that I mean 1941, because I can't picture anything older than that,) how useful/useless is Aquaman as a superhero. We have all heard the jokes, (Joke 1: Q: Who has the power to breath underwater and talk to fish? A: Spongebob Squarepants.) Over the years Arthur Curry has gotten a bum rap and a lot of ribbing, some of which has been rightfully deserved, but some of it not. So I want to take a real look at everyone's favorite (and favorite to ridicule) underwater hero.

Right off the bat(man), Aquaman has some pretty big stumbling blocks set in his path. Chief among them are his powers and his playground. In a world where most superheroes live and work in massive cities, and (more importantly) in a world where most comic book readers live on dry land, the ocean -as a setting- tends to not have the wide spread appeal of Gotham City or Metropolis. Adventures in the sea only tend to appeal to a select group of people: sailors, sea divers, and Michael Phelps, (and most of the time even sailors would rather be on dry land.)

Unfortunately, for Aquaman he was created in 1941 by a man named Paul Norris. Back in the 40's the ocean was big business. This is when the Navy was still the Navy, and most of Aquaman's first forays into heroics pitted the orange and green guardian against German U-Boats. With World War II in full swing the sea was a happening place of human activity, ripe for a man of Arthur Curry's talents to flourish and thrive. Then the war ended and our hero was (excuse the pun) left floundering. Nowadays, the sea is hardly relevant to most land dwellers, except for the small lingering guilt we have over polluting the hell out of it. Thus, there was a point in his career where Aquaman became a watery version of Captain Planet, minus the rainbow cast of children and Cap's legendary hunger for human flesh. That's a great little niche and all but there were not many readers who were overly eager to indulge in a comic book and a side of Mother-Earth Guilt. In the the 90's (when edgy anti-heroes ruled), Aquaman was again transformed. This time he went with the no-shirt option, grew a beard, lost a hand, and became a surly arrogant bastard. That worked for a very quick second, but ultimately it did no good to boost the underwater hero's reputation, and it drove away a lot of the more loyal fans who were angry over the change in look and attitude. So by the 21st century Aquaman again donned the orange, chopped off the beard and got a cool magic-water hand. (It was a lot less threatening than his harpoon hand, and a lot less likely to be responsible for massive blood loss from bathroom-related self-inflicted wounds.) His adventures for this period became more sword and sorcery in tone, though he still interacted with his fellow heroes from time to time. So, much like a twenty-something year old kid who just graduated from college, Arthur Curry has had a lot of problems finding his place in the world, over these past seventy years. (Joke 2: Finding Newt Gingrich at the head of the presidential pack is like turning on ‘Super Friends’ and finding Aquaman in charge.)

Let's come back to that later. I want to talk about Aquaman's powers, since they tend to be the crux of any argument made against him. Let's start with the obvious one:

(1) He can communicate telepathically with marine life. Granted that, unless there is an Aquarium robbery, this isn't going to do much to help the King of Atlantis on dry land. However, it is worth noting that under the water this is a fairly powerful ability. Commanding sea-life is tremendously useful (in the water) for things like attacking, defending, and staging an elaborate musical number about how great life is Under the Sea. The power gets used a lot to summon convenient great whites, octopi, whales, dolphins, etc, but what tends to be neglected is some of the more subtle uses of the power, such as being able to command plankton to invade and attack the body of an enemy. Aquaman has used that trick at least once. It's also worth noting that the power is not limited by line of sight or by any range. With enough concentration, Aquaman can sense the emotions of sea-life on the other side of the world, giving him a kind of advanced warning for any big trouble that might be coming. This must also kind of suck, because I wonder if you truly understand how much large scale death there is on a daily basis in the ocean. Can you imagine having to learn to block out the continual dying screams of sea-life from all over the world.

(2) He can breathe underwater. It seems like a simple enough power, but that's not true at all. To explain the full extent of what this power requires I will let Southern Friend Scientist explain: Aquaman is, for all intents and purposes, a marine mammal. And, with the exception of a healthy mane in later incarnations, he is effectively hairless. As a human, we would expect his internal body temperature to hover around 99°F, or about 37°C.... At the poles ocean temperature can actually drop a few degrees below freezing. In the deep sea, ambient temperature levels out around 2 – 4°C. Warm blooded species have evolved many different systems to manage these gradients, including countercurrent heat exchangers, insulating fur, and heavy layers of blubber. Aquaman is noticeably missing any special evolutionary system that would help him combat the cold. Combine that with the fact that he must be able to withstand tremendous pressure (down to at least 20,000 feet below the surface), that he has not once been overcome by decompression sickness, and he can breathe in not just fresh water, but salt-water. There are more molecules in seawater than in our cells. Assuming Aquaman is drawing seawater into his lungs, sinuses, and other air chambers... The kidneys, likely, will be the first to go, but most of his internal organs, especially those in the respiratory and circulatory system will fail. If he hasn’t frozen to death, he will dehydrate, ending his Justice League tenure as shriveled human jerky.

(2a) This ability to overcome all the difficulties of sea life may seem trivial, but it has other benefits. For instance, on dry land, Aquaman is stronger, more durable, and faster than most of his fellow heroes. Without the resistance of the water around him the orange avenger is free to show off his true superhuman nature. Arthur Curry can lift and throw at least 25 tons of weight, he can jump over 4 stories (both on land and from the water), his reflexes and land speed are 12-15 time faster than that of a normal human, and because of his dense body structure he can withstand small arms fire, but it has been shows that larger weaponry can damage or harm him. He also possesses elevated levels of stamina that allow him to swim at high speeds for up to 4 hours. (In a swimming contest Aquaman has proven that he can keep pace with Superman.) Lastly, his eyesight, hearing, and smell are more acute than normal humans, the former also allowing him to see with very little difficulty in the dark depths of the ocean.

(3) It is worth looking at Aquaman's skills and expertise, as well. As king of the underwater kingdom, Atlantis, Aquaman is considered an accomplished diplomat, an expert in hand-to-hand and weaponry-based combat, and he has developed a natural ability for leadership and strategy.

Aquaman during his 90's grunge phase

Of course, if we are going to examine powers we also need to look at weaknesses, and Aquaman has a pretty big one. He cannot be out of water for too long or he will weaken and possibly die (which admittedly is a pretty big flaw for extended land adventures.) The period of time usually varies by writer, from anywhere to a few days to a few weeks. It, also, has the very daunting side effect of ensuring that all of Aquaman's adventure take place in or around water. When making the case of Aquaman this stands out as a pretty big flaw, but really it should not.

We live on the planet Earth (which means dirt), but really our planet should probably be called Sea, because 71% of it is covered in oceans that contain 97% of our planet's water. That is a very large area for one man to cover. Compare that to Metropolis which is only 125 square miles or even Gotham City which is 327 square miles spread among six different islands. Granted Metropolis has a population of about 11 million people, which makes for more interesting human related problems for Superman to solve. However, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ocean contains 50% of all species on the planet. 1 out of every 6 jobs in the US is marine related. One-third of the US Gross National Product originates in coastal areas. In 2008, almost 8.5 billion tons of goods were transported by sea equaling approximately 380 billion US dollars in value. This of course does not even take into account Aquaman's own home of Atlantis. The sunken continent has roughly five or six city-states that are often known to go to war with one another and sometimes with the surface world. Really, the point I am trying to make is that the sea is kind of a happening place with more than enough material to keep Arthur Curry and his writers busy.

It's worth mentioning that the writers (obviously) have had a big impact on Aquaman over the years. His writers have tended to fall into two extreme categories, those that accept the joke of Aquaman as truth, and those that reject it outright. Those that accept the joke often try to alter him, give him new powers, or completely revamp him to be something he was never meant to be. Over the years Aquaman has developed and lost more powers than I can name, including a command of sorcery, a cybernetic hand, and control over undead fish. The writers that outright reject the joke tend to go way over the top in the other direction as if to prove that he is not a useless hero. Thus, for the past decade or so every time Aquaman has shown up on the scene he is portrayed as an uber-badass. It has become like a reverse-Aquaism. Writers feel obligated to make Aquaman seem ridiculously overpowered in every fight he participates in. Thus, we get scenes where hundreds of sharks leap from the water or where a fleet of whales swims up the Metropolis river to hand out a blowhole full of baddy-stomping. Both ways of approaching Aquaman have sometimes worked and sometimes missed the mark.

So where does this all leave the orange and green guardian of the deep? In a realistic look at our hero, he has some weird aquatic related powers, which make him a hard hero to relate to, (ironically harder than a near-invulnerable, super strong, x-ray vision, alien orphan, or a mega-rich, brooding, mensa-level intelligent detective with mommy and daddy issues.) But, I would argue he is not useless on land. In fact, he is super strong, super quick, semi-invulnerable, and has the martial and tactical expertise to make a difference in any fight he engages in. That is a lot more than what some of the other heroes in the DC universe have to work with. So why the jokes? I think the short answer is, because they are funny. (Joke 3: Black Lightning? Maybe we should call you White Fish.) We all need someone to rag on from time to time, even in the superhero community. Aquaman has become that someone, but that's a not a bad thing. The very reason he is such obvious prey is because he's always been -and remains- a popular and well-recognized character. I think that once you’re in on the joke and understand what he deals with — after all, he’s the easiest target in the world, but he’s a bad-ass and he can take it — you’re almost more justified in liking the character, explains Geoff Johns, (one of the greats), who took over the run of Aquaman with the launch of DC's New 52 comic line.

 I am not always the biggest fan of some of the changes that were made with the New 52 series, but Aquaman has been one of the most positive ones. The aquatic hero has been taken back to his roots as a hero and a leader, but what really makes the new book stand out is that the Aquaman jokes are now in-universe canon. Where in the past Aquaman was only a joke in our world, now he must confront the negative press in his own world, and face being underestimated by the populace, the heroes, and even the villains. The joke has become so much a part of the mythos of the character it is about time it became part of the canon. After all, people can make fun of Elongated Man, but really who (other than me) even really knows who he is? Aquaman is iconic not only despite the jokes, but also because of them. You know what, that's fine by me. I will still argue with my friend, Jon, over his rightful place in the Justice League and his usefulness as a hero, but I will never forget to chuckle at the occasional Aquaman joke, because I know he can take it.

A Worthless Futures

Side Prediction: Paper money will be as underrated as
Thomas F. Wilson's acting career after Back to the Future.
(Sorry TFW, I enjoy your voice-over work.)

In my previous blog I covered the topic of overpaid, under-talented celebrities and how their home sex tapes will diminish in value as the years progress. Granted, it probably was not my best post, because, let's face it, I really just wanted a venue to rant on the excesses and stupidity I see everyday when I turn on the TV (I'm looking at you NBC,) but that's all in the past, or the future, or whatever. Let's move on...

Right now I want to talk about something of real value which will lose all meaning as we springboard our way into the unknowable future, money. Of course, this leads me to my next point...


 

PREDICTION 3. THE ENLIGHTENED ECONOMY

Before I launch into a complicated discussion of inflation, supply & demand, and other such explanations that I could expertly talk about (if I had bothered to get an economics degree, or even a business degree of any type... I have an MA in Comparative Literature...) let us first look at how the economy works. From my understanding, each year prices continue to increase in all sectors of life. For example, one-ounce of gold in 1999 cost: $279.00, while its current price is now listed at: $1,106.00, (I should have gotten a jeweler's degree;) a Slurpee from 7-11 cost only: $0.99, and now it costs: $2.12 (a 114.14% increase for flavored-slush ice;) a comic book cost: $1.99, which now costs: $3.99; and I won't even go into the prices of gasoline and movie tickets. To find out more comparisons you should check out this Daily Finance article.

Basically, the point I am trying to make is that crap is expensive and it ain't getting cheaper... unless it's technology. For example in 1989, a VCR cost: $229.00, in 1999 it cost: $149.00, and in 2012, I just found one on Amazon for: $45.00. I know you're saying, That's not relevant, no one uses VCR's anymore? ...Shut-up, you sound stupid... The real truth is that technology prices still come down even as technology itself improves. For a more complicated explanation of that you can refer to this article from The Big Picture. For a more simplified explanation refer to the infograph I posted below courtesy of Jesus Freak.

So, if you will take a trip down slippery slope lane with me for a moment, let s look at where our world is heading. We are living in a world where prices of technology shrink even while prices of everything else continue to grow. One day we could, potentially, face a world where it is cheaper to buy an iPod than a gallon of milk. In the next ten years, the price of a microchip is projected to be equal to less than 1-cent of US currency. This alone has the potential to turn our economy on its head and launch an explosion of technological innovation the likes of which humanity has not seen since Cobra invented the Weather Dominator back in the 1980's, but exactly how will this effect our economy?

To answer that I want to turn to one of my favorite future societies, Star Trek, (yeah just get over it and keep reading,) and the vision for the future it has set. The Federation is an interplanetary government that for all intents and purposes has no established economy, or has, as some call it, an Enlightened Economy. Now, not a lot is said on how or why this came about, but we are left to believe that it is a result of the evolution of humanity and its shifting priorities from greed to scientific interests, the advancement of technology, and the Communist sympathies of Gene Roddenberry.

As much as I would like to examine the first reason, my argument would eat up the rest of this article, (so I'll save it for another time,) and let's move onto the second reason, the advancement of technology. The fictional universe of Star Trek has these wonderful little devices called, replicators. They are most commonly seen in the TV show being used to materialize chocolate sundaes, Klingon coffee, or hot Earl Grey tea out of nothingness. In other words, it creates food out of thin air by assembling the proper molecules and compounds in an predetermined order and pattern similar to that of an actual ice cream sundae, bowl, spoon, cherry, and everything. When you are done with the meal you simply put your dirty dishes in the machine, dematerializes the molecular structure of your leftovers, and they get stored to be broken down and used again in the creation of your next meal. This is recycling at its finest. More to the point any discarded waste, (including actual human waste) could be recycled by the Enterprise to be used in the replicators. (Try not to think about that when you're enjoying that cup of morning replicated coffee.) So it's a fancy sandwich making machine? So what? I can hear you asking... I said, shut-up and don't make me tell you again... Replicators are mentioned elsewhere as being capable of creating anything from metal/plastic composite alloys, to dilithium crystal fuel, to stupid costumes that Data uses to play Sherlock Holmes.

A machine that can make anything, even if it could not produce complex or biological systems, would utterly destroy our current global economy. Supply and demand would become a concept as ancient as the dinosaurs or Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up. Did you ever notice how quickly world order breaks-down when someone creates a device that literally allows you materialize anything you might need: food, clothing, housing, minerals, fossil fuels, Slurpees? Thankfully, we do not have replicators, but the amazing thing about mankind is that once something is dreamed up, its hard to undream it. In other words, as long as the idea exists there is the potential for its creation.

But that would require a scientific understanding well beyond our current level. Its pure science fantasy? ...I warned you! Now I'm coming over there... *umph*... Hold still... This is for your own good... *thwack*... Now where was I?

This is most certainly a far off science dream, but maybe not as far as we might think. Currently, we have a little known device colloquially called a 3D printer. There are various types, older ones that used sand-like granular material and newer ones which use cords of plastic fibers, but the principles remain the same. In short, these machines can take a 3D image from a computer and literally print out the displayed structure by rapidly laying down thin layers of material over and over again, building the projected structure from the ground up. They are still considered a bit pricey for home use, but as I explained before that will change. So imagine the potential of these machines.

Side Prediction: In the future, IKEA's distinct style will be
known as Ancient Modern, but it will still be overpriced.

If you are missing a screw or even a leg from your IKEA coffee table, there is no need to go back to the store to complain. Just go onto the IKEA website and download the schematic to your product and print out the missing piece. Heck, for that matter why even go to the store in the first place. Instead of paying $49.99 for the non-assembled furniture, why not just pay $0.99 for the digital schematics and print all the pieces out yourself?  On second thought, why even pay that much? Just do what people have been doing since the dawn of the Internet and pirate the schematics off some illegal furniture sharing website? On third thought, why pirate a hackneyed piece of Swedish junk that everyone else on the block has, and why not just use your 3D printer program and make a coffee table of your own design?... As you can see IKEA might be in trouble in this near-future vision, as will other companies. On a personal level, why would I buy my future son any action-figures, when we can just use our creativity and make them; or just go onto one of the many free sharing art/sculpture sites that will surely crop up and use one of their free schematics. Within a few hours my son (or daughter) could have a full play set without ever setting foot in a Toys' R' Us. Best of all, when my child no longer has any interest in that particular set I could just melt the plastic back down to use as more fuel for my 3D printer. (Of course, it seems cruel to melt down a child's play toys, so I'll just have to melt down the unicorn statues I made for my wife for our 10th wedding anniversary instead, but you get my meaning.) The best part of this, is that technology not only gets cheaper, but it gets better. So maybe in the beginning it is just cheap plastic knickknacks and dorm furniture, but with improvements it could potentially become a printer for anything from computer parts to auto parts.

As you can see, even this small innovation could have dramatic economic ramifications. Currently, the plastics industry is the third largest manufacturing industry in the United States, with nearly 17,000 facilities in the country employing more than 1.4 million people. The widespread introduction of such a device could drastically affect this industry. Certainly demand for this special type of printer-plastic will increase, but the demand for other types would potentially decrease. I would not even want to hazard a guess what the overall impact would truly be, but I bet it would be a big one (for better or worse.) Certainly where the impact will be felt is in the industries that shape and sell already existing plastics. Industries like IKEA and its suppliers and manufacturers would feel a big hurt, as would toy companies, kitchenware manufacturers, and thousands of others that sell and produce plastic goods. Even some metal manufactures would probably see a decrease. Why use a metal stapler, when a plastic one works just fine and is cheaper to make?

More importantly a change like this would mean a shift in human thought. With the Industrial Revolution we moved from a farming society to a manufacturing one, and now with Personal Technology Coup (as I am calling it) we could again see our society shift to a thought process based less on interchangeable parts and more on personal/artistic manufacturing. Why should we pay for products that we can easily make ourselves, and even customize to our own needs and tastes? Once the PTC intellectual shift occurs, you are going to have a lot of people asking, "Why can't we do this with other things?," like metals, foodstuffs, and maybe even molecules.

Side Prediction: Apparently, even in the future, it will still
be a woman's job to make the coffee.

I'm not saying we are heading for a Star Trek world, as there are too many unanswered questions with the Federation model. I mean even that reality suggests that money has not been done away with completely and there is still at least some compensation similar to energy allotment units. However, their idea of an Enlightened Economy should give us pause. Replicators are not here yet and they won't be here for a long long long time, (If at all,) but we are already seeing possible predecessors for that device. So in the opinion of a Comp Lit major, that should be enough to make us start questioning where we are heading and what's waiting for us at the other end of the journey.

If technology continues progressing along lines and trends of personal comfort and individual design, it may only be a matter of time before we have a society that relies more on technology to meet its needs rather than big business. Granted we will still need to make money to purchase raw materials and other basic needs; and we will still need technicians to repair and maintain our devices (though even that will diminish as technological intuition also grows with each new generation,) but there is going to come a tipping point. Technology (in whatever form) is going to outpace the economy and we have to be ready for that moment. Once people lose the need to work (or at least work as much as they do,) we are going to need another reason to keep our society from breaking down.

This, of course, brings me to my next installment: TECHNOLOGY AND HUMANITY. Farewell, until we met again... Hello?.... *slap*... Wake up!... uh-oh... *casual whistling*... *receding footsteps*...