Aquaman Fillet

Conversing with a good friend, Jon, we were rehashing an argument as old as time itself (and by that I mean 1941, because I can't picture anything older than that,) how useful/useless is Aquaman as a superhero. We have all heard the jokes, (Joke 1: Q: Who has the power to breath underwater and talk to fish? A: Spongebob Squarepants.) Over the years Arthur Curry has gotten a bum rap and a lot of ribbing, some of which has been rightfully deserved, but some of it not. So I want to take a real look at everyone's favorite (and favorite to ridicule) underwater hero.

Right off the bat(man), Aquaman has some pretty big stumbling blocks set in his path. Chief among them are his powers and his playground. In a world where most superheroes live and work in massive cities, and (more importantly) in a world where most comic book readers live on dry land, the ocean -as a setting- tends to not have the wide spread appeal of Gotham City or Metropolis. Adventures in the sea only tend to appeal to a select group of people: sailors, sea divers, and Michael Phelps, (and most of the time even sailors would rather be on dry land.)

Unfortunately, for Aquaman he was created in 1941 by a man named Paul Norris. Back in the 40's the ocean was big business. This is when the Navy was still the Navy, and most of Aquaman's first forays into heroics pitted the orange and green guardian against German U-Boats. With World War II in full swing the sea was a happening place of human activity, ripe for a man of Arthur Curry's talents to flourish and thrive. Then the war ended and our hero was (excuse the pun) left floundering. Nowadays, the sea is hardly relevant to most land dwellers, except for the small lingering guilt we have over polluting the hell out of it. Thus, there was a point in his career where Aquaman became a watery version of Captain Planet, minus the rainbow cast of children and Cap's legendary hunger for human flesh. That's a great little niche and all but there were not many readers who were overly eager to indulge in a comic book and a side of Mother-Earth Guilt. In the the 90's (when edgy anti-heroes ruled), Aquaman was again transformed. This time he went with the no-shirt option, grew a beard, lost a hand, and became a surly arrogant bastard. That worked for a very quick second, but ultimately it did no good to boost the underwater hero's reputation, and it drove away a lot of the more loyal fans who were angry over the change in look and attitude. So by the 21st century Aquaman again donned the orange, chopped off the beard and got a cool magic-water hand. (It was a lot less threatening than his harpoon hand, and a lot less likely to be responsible for massive blood loss from bathroom-related self-inflicted wounds.) His adventures for this period became more sword and sorcery in tone, though he still interacted with his fellow heroes from time to time. So, much like a twenty-something year old kid who just graduated from college, Arthur Curry has had a lot of problems finding his place in the world, over these past seventy years. (Joke 2: Finding Newt Gingrich at the head of the presidential pack is like turning on ‘Super Friends’ and finding Aquaman in charge.)

Let's come back to that later. I want to talk about Aquaman's powers, since they tend to be the crux of any argument made against him. Let's start with the obvious one:

(1) He can communicate telepathically with marine life. Granted that, unless there is an Aquarium robbery, this isn't going to do much to help the King of Atlantis on dry land. However, it is worth noting that under the water this is a fairly powerful ability. Commanding sea-life is tremendously useful (in the water) for things like attacking, defending, and staging an elaborate musical number about how great life is Under the Sea. The power gets used a lot to summon convenient great whites, octopi, whales, dolphins, etc, but what tends to be neglected is some of the more subtle uses of the power, such as being able to command plankton to invade and attack the body of an enemy. Aquaman has used that trick at least once. It's also worth noting that the power is not limited by line of sight or by any range. With enough concentration, Aquaman can sense the emotions of sea-life on the other side of the world, giving him a kind of advanced warning for any big trouble that might be coming. This must also kind of suck, because I wonder if you truly understand how much large scale death there is on a daily basis in the ocean. Can you imagine having to learn to block out the continual dying screams of sea-life from all over the world.

(2) He can breathe underwater. It seems like a simple enough power, but that's not true at all. To explain the full extent of what this power requires I will let Southern Friend Scientist explain: Aquaman is, for all intents and purposes, a marine mammal. And, with the exception of a healthy mane in later incarnations, he is effectively hairless. As a human, we would expect his internal body temperature to hover around 99°F, or about 37°C.... At the poles ocean temperature can actually drop a few degrees below freezing. In the deep sea, ambient temperature levels out around 2 – 4°C. Warm blooded species have evolved many different systems to manage these gradients, including countercurrent heat exchangers, insulating fur, and heavy layers of blubber. Aquaman is noticeably missing any special evolutionary system that would help him combat the cold. Combine that with the fact that he must be able to withstand tremendous pressure (down to at least 20,000 feet below the surface), that he has not once been overcome by decompression sickness, and he can breathe in not just fresh water, but salt-water. There are more molecules in seawater than in our cells. Assuming Aquaman is drawing seawater into his lungs, sinuses, and other air chambers... The kidneys, likely, will be the first to go, but most of his internal organs, especially those in the respiratory and circulatory system will fail. If he hasn’t frozen to death, he will dehydrate, ending his Justice League tenure as shriveled human jerky.

(2a) This ability to overcome all the difficulties of sea life may seem trivial, but it has other benefits. For instance, on dry land, Aquaman is stronger, more durable, and faster than most of his fellow heroes. Without the resistance of the water around him the orange avenger is free to show off his true superhuman nature. Arthur Curry can lift and throw at least 25 tons of weight, he can jump over 4 stories (both on land and from the water), his reflexes and land speed are 12-15 time faster than that of a normal human, and because of his dense body structure he can withstand small arms fire, but it has been shows that larger weaponry can damage or harm him. He also possesses elevated levels of stamina that allow him to swim at high speeds for up to 4 hours. (In a swimming contest Aquaman has proven that he can keep pace with Superman.) Lastly, his eyesight, hearing, and smell are more acute than normal humans, the former also allowing him to see with very little difficulty in the dark depths of the ocean.

(3) It is worth looking at Aquaman's skills and expertise, as well. As king of the underwater kingdom, Atlantis, Aquaman is considered an accomplished diplomat, an expert in hand-to-hand and weaponry-based combat, and he has developed a natural ability for leadership and strategy.

Aquaman during his 90's grunge phase

Of course, if we are going to examine powers we also need to look at weaknesses, and Aquaman has a pretty big one. He cannot be out of water for too long or he will weaken and possibly die (which admittedly is a pretty big flaw for extended land adventures.) The period of time usually varies by writer, from anywhere to a few days to a few weeks. It, also, has the very daunting side effect of ensuring that all of Aquaman's adventure take place in or around water. When making the case of Aquaman this stands out as a pretty big flaw, but really it should not.

We live on the planet Earth (which means dirt), but really our planet should probably be called Sea, because 71% of it is covered in oceans that contain 97% of our planet's water. That is a very large area for one man to cover. Compare that to Metropolis which is only 125 square miles or even Gotham City which is 327 square miles spread among six different islands. Granted Metropolis has a population of about 11 million people, which makes for more interesting human related problems for Superman to solve. However, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ocean contains 50% of all species on the planet. 1 out of every 6 jobs in the US is marine related. One-third of the US Gross National Product originates in coastal areas. In 2008, almost 8.5 billion tons of goods were transported by sea equaling approximately 380 billion US dollars in value. This of course does not even take into account Aquaman's own home of Atlantis. The sunken continent has roughly five or six city-states that are often known to go to war with one another and sometimes with the surface world. Really, the point I am trying to make is that the sea is kind of a happening place with more than enough material to keep Arthur Curry and his writers busy.

It's worth mentioning that the writers (obviously) have had a big impact on Aquaman over the years. His writers have tended to fall into two extreme categories, those that accept the joke of Aquaman as truth, and those that reject it outright. Those that accept the joke often try to alter him, give him new powers, or completely revamp him to be something he was never meant to be. Over the years Aquaman has developed and lost more powers than I can name, including a command of sorcery, a cybernetic hand, and control over undead fish. The writers that outright reject the joke tend to go way over the top in the other direction as if to prove that he is not a useless hero. Thus, for the past decade or so every time Aquaman has shown up on the scene he is portrayed as an uber-badass. It has become like a reverse-Aquaism. Writers feel obligated to make Aquaman seem ridiculously overpowered in every fight he participates in. Thus, we get scenes where hundreds of sharks leap from the water or where a fleet of whales swims up the Metropolis river to hand out a blowhole full of baddy-stomping. Both ways of approaching Aquaman have sometimes worked and sometimes missed the mark.

So where does this all leave the orange and green guardian of the deep? In a realistic look at our hero, he has some weird aquatic related powers, which make him a hard hero to relate to, (ironically harder than a near-invulnerable, super strong, x-ray vision, alien orphan, or a mega-rich, brooding, mensa-level intelligent detective with mommy and daddy issues.) But, I would argue he is not useless on land. In fact, he is super strong, super quick, semi-invulnerable, and has the martial and tactical expertise to make a difference in any fight he engages in. That is a lot more than what some of the other heroes in the DC universe have to work with. So why the jokes? I think the short answer is, because they are funny. (Joke 3: Black Lightning? Maybe we should call you White Fish.) We all need someone to rag on from time to time, even in the superhero community. Aquaman has become that someone, but that's a not a bad thing. The very reason he is such obvious prey is because he's always been -and remains- a popular and well-recognized character. I think that once you’re in on the joke and understand what he deals with — after all, he’s the easiest target in the world, but he’s a bad-ass and he can take it — you’re almost more justified in liking the character, explains Geoff Johns, (one of the greats), who took over the run of Aquaman with the launch of DC's New 52 comic line.

 I am not always the biggest fan of some of the changes that were made with the New 52 series, but Aquaman has been one of the most positive ones. The aquatic hero has been taken back to his roots as a hero and a leader, but what really makes the new book stand out is that the Aquaman jokes are now in-universe canon. Where in the past Aquaman was only a joke in our world, now he must confront the negative press in his own world, and face being underestimated by the populace, the heroes, and even the villains. The joke has become so much a part of the mythos of the character it is about time it became part of the canon. After all, people can make fun of Elongated Man, but really who (other than me) even really knows who he is? Aquaman is iconic not only despite the jokes, but also because of them. You know what, that's fine by me. I will still argue with my friend, Jon, over his rightful place in the Justice League and his usefulness as a hero, but I will never forget to chuckle at the occasional Aquaman joke, because I know he can take it.

A Worthless Futures

Side Prediction: Paper money will be as underrated as
Thomas F. Wilson's acting career after Back to the Future.
(Sorry TFW, I enjoy your voice-over work.)

In my previous blog I covered the topic of overpaid, under-talented celebrities and how their home sex tapes will diminish in value as the years progress. Granted, it probably was not my best post, because, let's face it, I really just wanted a venue to rant on the excesses and stupidity I see everyday when I turn on the TV (I'm looking at you NBC,) but that's all in the past, or the future, or whatever. Let's move on...

Right now I want to talk about something of real value which will lose all meaning as we springboard our way into the unknowable future, money. Of course, this leads me to my next point...


 

PREDICTION 3. THE ENLIGHTENED ECONOMY

Before I launch into a complicated discussion of inflation, supply & demand, and other such explanations that I could expertly talk about (if I had bothered to get an economics degree, or even a business degree of any type... I have an MA in Comparative Literature...) let us first look at how the economy works. From my understanding, each year prices continue to increase in all sectors of life. For example, one-ounce of gold in 1999 cost: $279.00, while its current price is now listed at: $1,106.00, (I should have gotten a jeweler's degree;) a Slurpee from 7-11 cost only: $0.99, and now it costs: $2.12 (a 114.14% increase for flavored-slush ice;) a comic book cost: $1.99, which now costs: $3.99; and I won't even go into the prices of gasoline and movie tickets. To find out more comparisons you should check out this Daily Finance article.

Basically, the point I am trying to make is that crap is expensive and it ain't getting cheaper... unless it's technology. For example in 1989, a VCR cost: $229.00, in 1999 it cost: $149.00, and in 2012, I just found one on Amazon for: $45.00. I know you're saying, That's not relevant, no one uses VCR's anymore? ...Shut-up, you sound stupid... The real truth is that technology prices still come down even as technology itself improves. For a more complicated explanation of that you can refer to this article from The Big Picture. For a more simplified explanation refer to the infograph I posted below courtesy of Jesus Freak.

So, if you will take a trip down slippery slope lane with me for a moment, let s look at where our world is heading. We are living in a world where prices of technology shrink even while prices of everything else continue to grow. One day we could, potentially, face a world where it is cheaper to buy an iPod than a gallon of milk. In the next ten years, the price of a microchip is projected to be equal to less than 1-cent of US currency. This alone has the potential to turn our economy on its head and launch an explosion of technological innovation the likes of which humanity has not seen since Cobra invented the Weather Dominator back in the 1980's, but exactly how will this effect our economy?

To answer that I want to turn to one of my favorite future societies, Star Trek, (yeah just get over it and keep reading,) and the vision for the future it has set. The Federation is an interplanetary government that for all intents and purposes has no established economy, or has, as some call it, an Enlightened Economy. Now, not a lot is said on how or why this came about, but we are left to believe that it is a result of the evolution of humanity and its shifting priorities from greed to scientific interests, the advancement of technology, and the Communist sympathies of Gene Roddenberry.

As much as I would like to examine the first reason, my argument would eat up the rest of this article, (so I'll save it for another time,) and let's move onto the second reason, the advancement of technology. The fictional universe of Star Trek has these wonderful little devices called, replicators. They are most commonly seen in the TV show being used to materialize chocolate sundaes, Klingon coffee, or hot Earl Grey tea out of nothingness. In other words, it creates food out of thin air by assembling the proper molecules and compounds in an predetermined order and pattern similar to that of an actual ice cream sundae, bowl, spoon, cherry, and everything. When you are done with the meal you simply put your dirty dishes in the machine, dematerializes the molecular structure of your leftovers, and they get stored to be broken down and used again in the creation of your next meal. This is recycling at its finest. More to the point any discarded waste, (including actual human waste) could be recycled by the Enterprise to be used in the replicators. (Try not to think about that when you're enjoying that cup of morning replicated coffee.) So it's a fancy sandwich making machine? So what? I can hear you asking... I said, shut-up and don't make me tell you again... Replicators are mentioned elsewhere as being capable of creating anything from metal/plastic composite alloys, to dilithium crystal fuel, to stupid costumes that Data uses to play Sherlock Holmes.

A machine that can make anything, even if it could not produce complex or biological systems, would utterly destroy our current global economy. Supply and demand would become a concept as ancient as the dinosaurs or Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up. Did you ever notice how quickly world order breaks-down when someone creates a device that literally allows you materialize anything you might need: food, clothing, housing, minerals, fossil fuels, Slurpees? Thankfully, we do not have replicators, but the amazing thing about mankind is that once something is dreamed up, its hard to undream it. In other words, as long as the idea exists there is the potential for its creation.

But that would require a scientific understanding well beyond our current level. Its pure science fantasy? ...I warned you! Now I'm coming over there... *umph*... Hold still... This is for your own good... *thwack*... Now where was I?

This is most certainly a far off science dream, but maybe not as far as we might think. Currently, we have a little known device colloquially called a 3D printer. There are various types, older ones that used sand-like granular material and newer ones which use cords of plastic fibers, but the principles remain the same. In short, these machines can take a 3D image from a computer and literally print out the displayed structure by rapidly laying down thin layers of material over and over again, building the projected structure from the ground up. They are still considered a bit pricey for home use, but as I explained before that will change. So imagine the potential of these machines.

Side Prediction: In the future, IKEA's distinct style will be
known as Ancient Modern, but it will still be overpriced.

If you are missing a screw or even a leg from your IKEA coffee table, there is no need to go back to the store to complain. Just go onto the IKEA website and download the schematic to your product and print out the missing piece. Heck, for that matter why even go to the store in the first place. Instead of paying $49.99 for the non-assembled furniture, why not just pay $0.99 for the digital schematics and print all the pieces out yourself?  On second thought, why even pay that much? Just do what people have been doing since the dawn of the Internet and pirate the schematics off some illegal furniture sharing website? On third thought, why pirate a hackneyed piece of Swedish junk that everyone else on the block has, and why not just use your 3D printer program and make a coffee table of your own design?... As you can see IKEA might be in trouble in this near-future vision, as will other companies. On a personal level, why would I buy my future son any action-figures, when we can just use our creativity and make them; or just go onto one of the many free sharing art/sculpture sites that will surely crop up and use one of their free schematics. Within a few hours my son (or daughter) could have a full play set without ever setting foot in a Toys' R' Us. Best of all, when my child no longer has any interest in that particular set I could just melt the plastic back down to use as more fuel for my 3D printer. (Of course, it seems cruel to melt down a child's play toys, so I'll just have to melt down the unicorn statues I made for my wife for our 10th wedding anniversary instead, but you get my meaning.) The best part of this, is that technology not only gets cheaper, but it gets better. So maybe in the beginning it is just cheap plastic knickknacks and dorm furniture, but with improvements it could potentially become a printer for anything from computer parts to auto parts.

As you can see, even this small innovation could have dramatic economic ramifications. Currently, the plastics industry is the third largest manufacturing industry in the United States, with nearly 17,000 facilities in the country employing more than 1.4 million people. The widespread introduction of such a device could drastically affect this industry. Certainly demand for this special type of printer-plastic will increase, but the demand for other types would potentially decrease. I would not even want to hazard a guess what the overall impact would truly be, but I bet it would be a big one (for better or worse.) Certainly where the impact will be felt is in the industries that shape and sell already existing plastics. Industries like IKEA and its suppliers and manufacturers would feel a big hurt, as would toy companies, kitchenware manufacturers, and thousands of others that sell and produce plastic goods. Even some metal manufactures would probably see a decrease. Why use a metal stapler, when a plastic one works just fine and is cheaper to make?

More importantly a change like this would mean a shift in human thought. With the Industrial Revolution we moved from a farming society to a manufacturing one, and now with Personal Technology Coup (as I am calling it) we could again see our society shift to a thought process based less on interchangeable parts and more on personal/artistic manufacturing. Why should we pay for products that we can easily make ourselves, and even customize to our own needs and tastes? Once the PTC intellectual shift occurs, you are going to have a lot of people asking, "Why can't we do this with other things?," like metals, foodstuffs, and maybe even molecules.

Side Prediction: Apparently, even in the future, it will still
be a woman's job to make the coffee.

I'm not saying we are heading for a Star Trek world, as there are too many unanswered questions with the Federation model. I mean even that reality suggests that money has not been done away with completely and there is still at least some compensation similar to energy allotment units. However, their idea of an Enlightened Economy should give us pause. Replicators are not here yet and they won't be here for a long long long time, (If at all,) but we are already seeing possible predecessors for that device. So in the opinion of a Comp Lit major, that should be enough to make us start questioning where we are heading and what's waiting for us at the other end of the journey.

If technology continues progressing along lines and trends of personal comfort and individual design, it may only be a matter of time before we have a society that relies more on technology to meet its needs rather than big business. Granted we will still need to make money to purchase raw materials and other basic needs; and we will still need technicians to repair and maintain our devices (though even that will diminish as technological intuition also grows with each new generation,) but there is going to come a tipping point. Technology (in whatever form) is going to outpace the economy and we have to be ready for that moment. Once people lose the need to work (or at least work as much as they do,) we are going to need another reason to keep our society from breaking down.

This, of course, brings me to my next installment: TECHNOLOGY AND HUMANITY. Farewell, until we met again... Hello?.... *slap*... Wake up!... uh-oh... *casual whistling*... *receding footsteps*...

Han Solo Gets Old

Have you ever noticed that there are certain people who look the same from year to year, decade to decade, as if they have drunk from some fountain of immortal youth. Elijah Wood looks the same now as he did when he was thirteen, Matthew Broderick is still Ferris Bueller (I'm sure much to his chagrin), and even Michael J. Fox (despite everything else) looks like he just stepped out of a time traveling Delorean fresh from 1985. Unfortunately, we all do not age so gracefully.

Over the past few months I have been starting to feel my age. My ten year high school reunion is coming up, I have had a few medical problems which have acutely reminded me that I am no longer as spry as I used to be, and all my friends are not only married but are having babies, even as I remain noticeably single (much to my chagrin). Other reminders of the slow never ending march of time comes when I look at the world around me.

For instance, one of my favorite celebs, Harrison Ford, has not aged as gracefully as some of his colleagues. (Maybe it should have been Cowboys and Ancient Aliens.) Granted, Harrison is 70, but it is still hard to look at a man who spent his youth representing some of my favorite movie characters. The upside to all of this is that Star Wars Episodes 7, 8, and 9 are seeming less likely... Unless George Lucas' Olympic sized swimming pool of money begins to go down. (I hear he swims in it naked.) I'm sure he could just CGI the entire thing. Ironically, thanks to the movies, even as Harrison Ford gets older, the image of Han Solo remains the same.

More than anyone else, I have always found myself relating to Captain Solo. Being a Jedi is cool, but being a fast talking, quick shooting, ship flying smuggler always struck more of a cord with me. There is an inherent freedom to it all. The Millenium Falcon can take Han anywhere, and with his wits and blaster he can find his way into and out of whatever trouble the galaxy throws his way. The independence of that life mirrors the independence of youth, no responsibilities (except a few debts to crime lords), no entanglements (except your big furry co-pilot and a princess or two), and no cares (except always finding enough credits to keep your hyperdrive running.) Nobody tells Han Solo what to do, not even old age.



Maybe that is why my own, new found, geriatrics is so depressing. How can you shoot a blaster with arthritis, how can you chase after a squad of stormtroopers (only to be chased back in the opposite direction) with bad knees, and there is no way to make a hemorrhoid cushion look cool sitting on your pilot's chair. I suppose, age comes for us all, even Han Solo. In the Star Wars Expanded Universe novels readers get to watch Han as he gets married, becomes a respectable member of society, has children, suffers personal loss, and even has grandchildren. Maybe that's what bothers me the most. I may be older now, but unlike the Solo of those novels, in many ways I'm still the same old smuggler I always was. Han, on the other hand, does not just get older, he grows up. So what's my excuse?

Curiosity

"What is this one called?" said the shorter man as he gazed up at the sky.

"From the English dialect it translates as Curiosity," said the other taller man as he too directed his view skyward.

"Humans," said the first with a shake of his head. "Do not they have an adage as to the consequences of curiosity?"

"Yes," smiled the second, "but that is the essence of their spirit. They regularly enjoy challenging the established and very rarely heed their own cautionary warnings."

"You admire them too much."

"I like to believe that I see their potential."

The shorter man snorted his disbelief as he turned to look at his colleague. "You are of the minority opinion on that. The Star Council has very little hopes for their species. Every realistic projection shows that humanity will be extinct in less than 100 orbits of their planet. Most of the models predict that it will even be accomplished by their own hand."

"Data driven projections are not always accurate," said the other, returning his partners gaze.

"They are 99.9% accurate."

"I believe that if anything can prove to be that .01% it's humans. They have an amazing ability to hope and dream."

"They also have an amazing ability to kill and destroy."

"They have a quiet nobility."

"They are children playing with fire. If they are not creating better ways to hasten them on the path of oblivion they squander their technological resources on frivolities, social networking, automobiles, even something called blogging. Worse yet half their planet sits in abject poverty while the rest revels in its gluttony and excess. If they dedicated even half the time and effort to coming up with sustainable food sources that they dedicate to improving the quality of their home entertainment screens than maybe I might agree with you. We have both seen it first hand. Each day they add new blocks to the unbalancing of their world. It cannot hold the weight much longer."

"Humanity is not perfect," said the second man after a long pause of thought. "They are far from it, in fact, and they have many challenges to overcome. I never meant to suggest otherwise. It will be a long and treacherous road ahead to navigate, but I believe that they can overcome the demons of their worse nature. In the end, they will be that much stronger for the obstacles they have surpassed.

"Take for example the event we have come to witness today. It is a moment that future human generations will look back upon as a quiet but important milestone in their evolution. It is a project that faced great opposition and technical challenges, but even in the face of all the problems and difficulties, perhaps even despite them, they never gave up. Now human beings are set to land their most sophisticated and largest piece of land exploration equipment ever created on the surface of another planet."

"Sophisticated? To us it might as well be a flying abacus." The first man rubbed his fingers together idly feeling the smooth energetic texture of the microscopic shield that encircled his body and held the harsh world's environment at bay. "We both know this mission will end in failure. Less than 30% of these gadgets that humans fire toward this planet ever land successfully, if they make it here at all. It is like humanity just picks a point in their sky and randomly fires a rocket at it. This time will be no different. The only reason I chose to accompany you is because it has been a while since I have seen a good crash landing."

The taller man returned his gaze to the sky. "You're wrong. This will be the first step to humans setting foot on this planet. When that happens Earth will finally learn that there is nothing it can't accomplish. We have seen it happen before. Once a species sets foot on an alien world a spark ignites and there is nothing left to keep them bottled up on their own little planet. The people of that small blue orb will spread to other worlds like the light of their own sun."

The shorter man smiled knowingly. "You said the same thing when we witnessed humanity's first steps on their own moon. You were wrong then and you are wrong now. If humans do ever step on the soil of a  planet that is not their own it will be a stunt, a one time event. They are too self-absorbed, too selfish, too lacking in long term resolve to accomplish anything more than that. As long as they have their creature comforts they are unwilling and incapable of pushing themselves to make the kinds of sacrifices necessary for anything else."

"You're wrong, brother." He turned his head slowly as he scanned the sky. "Their imagination and their ability to dream is beyond the scope of any species we have yet seen. All the people of Earth need is the right provocation, the right motivation and they can accomplish anything. This small red planet can be that spark. In many ways it already is."

"You have always been naive," said the first. "Do you know what really angers me about humanity? It is the fact that I do not disagree with you. You are correct in your assessment of their abilities, but when I look at Earth I see a planet of people who squander that potential everyday. Worst yet, they do so knowingly. They see the problems with their world. They are aware of what steps they need to take to overcome many of the challenges that lay before them, and yet they do not even attempt to alter their course. Instead, they bury themselves in greed and laziness. They hide their heads preferring to ignore their difficulties and thus sealing the fate they are afraid to face. That is why humans will never set foot on this planet or any other. They lack the passion required to even save themselves, how could they ever find the spark to escape their own insignificance, let alone expand beyond it."

It was the taller man's turn to smile knowingly. "You see only their flaws, that has always been your greatest weakness. The people of Earth have a deeper strength than you give them credit for. Yes, they can be cruel, but they are also capable of great compassion. Their potential for beauty and creation is as awe-inspiring as their potential for destruction. You say they lack true commitment, I say we have yet to see the resolve that humans are capable of when pushed to their limits. Yes, they can sometimes be superficial in their technology, but from those seeds of frivolity comes imagination and collaboration that rivals any I have witnessed in the Seven Galaxies. You see them as a people unwilling to face their own destruction. I see a people who hold onto hope like a precious stone and find their faith for a better tomorrow in the very humanity you so discourage."

"Humans are doomed to a fate of their own making. You will never persuade me otherwise," said the first man as a distant boom sounded from high above.

A small streaking light appeared in the sky cutting its way through the thin upper atmosphere of the planet. Both beings watched this miniature sun as it plummeted from the sky like a fallen god. The ball of light grew in brilliance as it drew nearer its two silent observers, and then died. With a sudden and impossible jerk the metallic craft stalled in air, but only for a moment. The parachute that deployed wavered as it filled with Martian wind. Impossibly the flimsy fabric apparatus held and the decent of the craft slowed, but only slightly. The bottom heat-shield of the capsule continued its screaming fall toward the surface, jerked free of the larger vessel. It impacted the distant landscape with a thunderous noise.

The next sound that echoed through the wispy atmosphere was of that of rockets being fired. A smaller utilitarian craft broke free of the capsule shell and trailing parachute. Four rockets firing on all side slowed this smaller exotic metal object even further. The apparatus danced and swayed, slave to the gust and torrents of the weather as much to its own internal programming. Performing its mesmerizing ballet, the craft's descent abated to a hovering crawl. From its belly, like some great technological spider came the final piece of the miraculous puzzle. The creature lowered itself slowly on its sparkling strand of cable. Delicately, as if testing the temperature of a warm bath it touched down upon the sands. One wheel, followed gracefully by the rest.

With some unheard signal the mechanical cocoon from which the great creature was born detached its life line and took off with a whine of engines so loud that the noise bordered on a spectrum which no human would have been able to hear. The dust swirled, kicked up by the rocket blast as the machine disappeared back into the Martian heavens. When the cloud finally settled again the two men found themselves faced with the last remaining piece of the great craft, a six-wheeled motorized land vehicle carrying some of the most complex scientific equipment of human design.

"Pretty good for a flying abacus," said the taller man.

"Yeah," agreed the shorter. "Okay, that was... impressive."

"Humans."

"Humans," agreed the first. Both men disappeared in a beam of light

Olympic Dreams

By not selecting David Tennant to carry the torch to its
final destination, the UK has unwittingly created a
time paradox.

I came to a sobering realization the other day, I will probably never compete in the Olympics. I know that is an odd thought to have, considering it has never once occurred to me before that I ever wanted to compete on the international stage, but there it is.

I am not even sure what sport I would compete in. I ran track in high school, but I tended to be more lazy than good. I fenced once in my life, but I was thrown out for swashbuckling. I do enjoy archery, but last time I took a girl to the archery range my arrow ricocheted off the target, rotated 180 degrees, and struck my date causing superficial wounds. Swimming would require me to get over my fear of drowning and my fear of speedos. Maybe javelin, but I have an ancestor that was killed by a javelin, and my family is still not over the trauma. I might have a shot at the dream events, like Dream Trampoline or Dream Rafting... or are those only in the Mario and Sonic Olympic Games?

In truth, I am not really qualified to do anything in the Olympics, and if I am being honest about it  the only thing I actually want to do is walk in the parade at the start of the Olympics. That to me seems like the kind of moment a person would cherish for the rest of their lives, well any person other than Kobe Bryant. (Hey, Kobe, you want to be an Olympian? Do I get paid? No. Mmmm... I guess so.) The opening ceremonies really grabbed my attention and I am not talking about the forty-foot tall Voldemort.

(As a digression,) I do want to talk about the forty-foot tall Voldemort. I know a lot of people did not "get" the ceremony, but then again a lot of people do not "get" Monty Python either. I admire the Brits for pulling out all the stops and presenting us with a bizarre, funny, and sometimes dark presentation of their history and culture. In a country with a monarchy that refuses to even crack smile, it was delightfully random and even a little tongue in cheek. After all, the ceremonies opened with James Bond throwing the Queen out of a helicopter, continued with disjointed pastoral and Industrial Revolution imagery, was punctuated with cameos by Mr. Bean, Mary Poppins, and the aforementioned He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, and was all set to a soundtrack of British Rock and Pop music. From my perspective it was quintessentially British in almost every way. My only criticism was a decided lack of an appearance by every one's favorite Doctor, and too much appearances by Ryan Seacrest.

Despite my few reservations, the night seemed to stand as a culmination for the British people and all the hard work they had put in over the past many years. It is always great to see such a massive undertaking achieved, and maybe that is my problem. I suppose the envy I feel over not being an Olympian is not so much for the competition but in watching people who have arrived at the pinnacle of their careers, (again with the exception of Kobe.) All their hard work, sweat, tears, and blood has paid off and culminated in a single moment, the realization of a dream.

So maybe what I am really looking for is my own Olympics. I will never be a great track star, an archery phenom, a swimming star, or even a half-decent fencer, but that does not mean that I cannot achieve other goals. Ultimately that culminating "Olympic" experience is different for everyone. It will not always happen amidst cacophonous fanfare and parades. It may come at a quiet moment in the night, or strike like a lightning bolt on a clear day, but you will recognize it when it comes. I can only hope that when my moment happens I too will be greeted by a forty-foot tall dark wizard.

Something to Think About

I am sure that by this time everyone has heard of the tragic Colorado shooting that took place when a 24 year-old man stormed a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises and unleashed a torrent of senseless violence on unsuspecting moviegoers. Before, I continue I want to express how truly saddened I am by this news. I have no words which can even begin to describe the tragedy of this event. My thoughts are with the families and survivors.

I have been hesitant to address this issue as I feel that any sort of platitudes or condolences I can offer would just seem empty. Everyone from President Obama to Howard Stern has expressed their concern, meanwhile the media continues to exploit and sensationalize this as they do everything else. Right now, I do not know what I can add to the conversation. It would be cliche and distasteful to draw any correlations between the movie and the incident, and would miss the point completely.

I think what really brings this horror home is that even while it was happening I was sitting in a theater thousands of miles away with my own friends partaking of the very same movie that the victims had set out that night to see. Being the midnight opening for a popular comic book movie only further deepens this tragedy for me. I think of the type of people who would attend a Thursday midnight opening of a Batman movie, and I know many of them were very much like myself. I can only imagine my own night of anticipation and joy ending so terribly.

Amongst all the news coverage and the milieu of opinions on this event we need to make sure that the one thing that does not get lost are the victims. I found a poignant article by the Washington Times columnist Eric Golub, of which I would like to share a portion. 

--We say we will never forget, but let's be honest. Many of us will. When the news cycle changes, a dozen people will fade from our consciousness. 

This cannot happen. Not this time. Nine of the twelve victims were between ages 23 and 32. One was eighteen. One was only six years old. Another was 51, and his children are now orphans. One of the victims was celebrating their birthday. 

Commit their names to memory. 

Jonathan T. Blunk, 26: Mr. Blunk lost his life shielding his girlfriend, Jansen Young, pushing her beneath the seat and laying infront of her. Formerly in the Navy, Mr. Blunk worked at a hardware store in Colorado at the time of the shooting. 

Alexander J. Boik, 18: "The life of the party," Mr. Bolk had a love of softball, movies and hoped to become an art teacher. 

Jesse E. Childress, 29: An Air Force reservist, Jesse Childress loved sports, the Denver Broncos, comic books and superhero movies. The Denver Post reported that Mr. Childress had recently named his new car the "Batmobile." Mr. Childress was at Buckley Airforce Base. 

Gordon Cowden, 51: "He will be remembered for his devotion to his children and for always trying his best to do the right thing, no matter the obstacle," a family statement said.  Mr. Cowden was attending the movie with his children, both of whom survived.  

Jessica Ghawi, 24: An aspiring sports journalist, Jessica Ghawi’s mother describes her as a person "easy to fall in love with."  Ghawi survived the shootings at a Toronto mall last month, blogging about that experience: 

"I was shown how fragile life was on Saturday. I saw the terror on bystanders’ faces. I saw the victims of a senseless crime. I saw lives change. I was reminded that we don’t know when or where our time on Earth will end. When or where we will breathe our last breath." 

John T. Larimer, 27: Petty Officer John T. Larimer joined the Navy in 2012. He was stationed at Buckley Air Force Base in Colorado. 

"I am incredibly saddened by the loss of Petty Officer John Larimer -- he was an outstanding shipmate," Larimer's commanding officer, Cmdr. Jeffrey Jakuboski, said. 

Matthew McQuinn, 27: One of the stories extreme heroes, Matthew McQuinn of St. Paris, Ohio, died after diving on top of his girlfriend Samantha Yowler. Ms. Yowler’s brother had gone to the film with the couple, brother and sister both survived. 

Micayla Medek, 23: A recent graduate from William C. Hinkley High School in Aurora, Ms. Medek was planning a trip to India, but first she was attending the College of Aurora.  

Veronica Moser, 6: The youngest to lose her life, Veronica had just learned to swim. She was at the movie with her mother Ashley Moser who remains in critical condition in the hospital after gunshots to the neck and abdomen.  

Alex M. Sullivan, 27:  Celebrating his birthday with a midnight show, Mr. Sullivan would have celebrated his first wedding anniversary with his wife, Cassie, over the weekend. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Alex's family has called him their "real life superhero." 

Alexander Teves, 24: "One of the best men I ever knew. The world isn't as good a place without him," a friend says of Mr. Teves. Mr. Teves loved Spider-man and his alma mater, the University of Arizona. He had just earned his master's degree in counseling psychology from the University of Denver. 

Rebecca Wingo, 32:  Ms. Wingo’s father posted to his Facebook page "I lost my daughter yesterday to a mad man, my grief right now is inconsolable, I hear she died instantly, without pain, however the pain is unbearable." 

Now add in 59 more people who were wounded but lucky enough to survive. Now multiply all of these people by their families, their friends, and acquaintances who interacted with them frequently if not daily. So many more people were hurt, and will continue to hurt. Reaching out to them could prevent the tragedy from being compounded.

I don't know them. I never met them. For me, telling their stories would be impossible. For those who want to honor their memory, add to these paragraphs. Tell their stories.--

I know this is not the first or (unfortunately) last event of this kind, but for me it is especially poignant. I love superheroes and comics. They give us hope for ourselves and our world. They make us want to be better people and give us examples of heroism, kindness, and courage. Most importantly, they teach us that we can all be heroes in our own way, and they show us that even among all the bad and evil in the world we can still find true goodness. I believe that is something we can all stand to remember a little more.

So please think of the victims of this crime and their families, and though you may never meet them there are still many others in this world in need of help. As we move forward I can only ask that you never be afraid to reach out and help those you see around you, even if it is only something as simple as lending your ear to listen. Sometimes a kind word or a show of compassion can make all the difference in people's lives. There are no superheroes, but that just means we have even more responsibility to be the heroes that other people need us to be.

Quest for the Golden Amulet

Heartsmashingbonecrusher son of
Kickassheadstomper. Warden of the Distant
Mountains, and Beater of Ass

In a land of myth and a time of magic. When the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering. The land in turmoil cried out for heroes...

We find two such heroes standing together in what could be their final battle. Back to back, Fedrin the Brave and Heartsmashingbonecrusher the Dwarf, now find themselves surrounded by a horde of snarling menacing orcs. Their foes will be satisfied by nothing other than blood and death. Could this be the last stand of our two heroes?

"I hope not," says Fedrin. He swings his sword at the first of his foes.

The weapon impacts with the orc, but the creature remains standing.

"That's not fair," says Fedrin. "How many hit points can this guy have? And how much is a 'horde' anyway?"

The horde facing our two heroes is of an indeterminate number. There are too many for our heroes to count.

"I hate it when you do that," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "I am going to count them."

The dwarf tries hard to spot the enemy's number, but fails in his attempt to count.

"How could I fail?" said Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "It's just counting?"

The dwarf is horrible at counting, especially in the midst of a battle. Also the dwarf has no ranks in Spot. However the small warrior may now take his turn to fend off the menacing horde.

Heartsmashingbonecrusher raises his crossbow and fires.

The bolt sails way over the heads of the orc hordes and disappears somewhere in the distance.

"Why the hell would you use a crossbow?" asks Fedrin.

"I already used my movement to make my Spot attempt."

That is when the dwarf remembers that in this instance we agreed Spot could be used as a free action, similar to all the talking that Fedrin and Heartsmashingbonecrusher are allowed to do, despite the obvious waste of time it takes to talk.

"Well, its still a good opening move. Now I didn't waste my movement by closing the distance between me and the orcs," replies Heartsmashingbonecrusher.

"They're only ten feet away. You wouldn't have wasted anything, and you suck with a crossbow. You're not even proficient in it. Why do you even have one?"

"I'll pick up my proficiency at my next level. I like having a ranged weapon for times like this."

"Times like this? Wouldn't you think it might work best if every attack we made counted for something? We're facing an undetermined amount of orcs, thanks to someone I won't name..."

That is when suddenly more orcs appear from the skies riding wyverns. Their spears gleam in the morning sun as they take aim at our heroes.

"You can't just do that!" says Fedrin.

That is when the elf remembers that it is okay, because the wyvern riders will not be able to move or attack until the next round of initiative takes affect, and that he should shut up or next time it will be hell hounds.

The orc who Fedrin swung at with his sword takes a swing of his own. He brings his razor sharp axe down hard on the Silvan headed elf, but the weapon misses as Fedrin is too quick to be hit by the slower orc. Then the next orc steps up to take his chance...

Fedrin Lawnmower the Brave,
Keeper of the Flame, wielder of
the Blade of Jeremy

"Seriously," said Fedrin. "We are going to go through every orc. Can't they just attack as a 'horde' instead of one at a time?"

The elf realizes that if that were to happen their attack modifiers would be more than he or his dwarven friend could possibly handle. They would be slaughtered in an instant.

"Okay," replies Fedrin, "but can you at least tell us how many there are."

"I'm getting a soda," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "Does anyone else want one?"

The dwarf receives a divine message that tells him to also get the bag of chips in the cupboard and a bottle of water for the great being in control of his destiny.

"Destiny?" says Fedrin. "We are going to be freaking overrun with orcs and this thing hasn't even started yet. Why is it that whenever we finally start Heartsmashingbonecrusher suddenly needs a drink."

The elf has a feeling that everything will be fine if he just calms down goes with it.

"I heard that," said Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "I need something to drink so my throat doesn't dry up. I also got the chips and your water."

The dwarf experiences a sensation of thankfulness and love as if the divine is smiling down on him.

"Can we get on with this?" asked Fedrin.

The next orc steps up and takes a swing at Heartsmashingbonecrusher. His jagged and rusty sword raises high in the air and comes whistling down with deadly purpose. The blade finds its mark, but because of the dwarf's armor it has little effect.

"I love wearing armor," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher.

"Except that time in the river when you drowned," says Fedrin.

"That wasn't because of the armor. I was carrying too much stuff."

"You're the only one who follows Encumbrance rules," says Fedrin.

As the two heroes are fighting amongst themselves a dragon appears and begins burning the orc hordes with his fire breath. The heat is so intense, it feels like the burning of a thousand suns. The elf knows now why he should have had more faith.

"Again with the dragon?" says Fedrin. "Why does there always have to be a dragon?"

"It is in the title of the game..." says Heartsmashingbonecrusher.

"No," says Fedrin "this is the last straw I'm done with this. Let's do something else, I don't care. How about a video game, Magic, freaking Stratego for all I care. I'm sick of playing the same storyline over and over again."

The elf feels the overwhelming urge to explain his statement.

"What I mean is that there is a dragon. Next there will be a wizard or a necromancer who needs something, a spell or an amulet. We'll have to go on a quest to find it, there will be at least one tavern brawl along the way. We'll find out that the amulet has actually not been stolen from the wizard, but that in fact we are stealing it for him and it turns out he is going to be a d%ck. Its the same thing over and over and over again. Read a new book or at least think up something different. Call me when you do. I'm outta here."

"Fedrin, come back," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "Well, we can't play with just us. I'm going home too."

The two heroes are suddenly overrun by the orcish hordes and simultaneously consumed by dragon fire, because they are both jerk-offs. The end.