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| Heartsmashingbonecrusher son of Kickassheadstomper. Warden of the Distant Mountains, and Beater of Ass |
We find two such heroes standing together in what could be their final battle. Back to back, Fedrin the Brave and Heartsmashingbonecrusher the Dwarf, now find themselves surrounded by a horde of snarling menacing orcs. Their foes will be satisfied by nothing other than blood and death. Could this be the last stand of our two heroes?
"I hope not," says Fedrin. He swings his sword at the first of his foes.
The weapon impacts with the orc, but the creature remains standing.
"That's not fair," says Fedrin. "How many hit points can this guy have? And how much is a 'horde' anyway?"
The horde facing our two heroes is of an indeterminate number. There are too many for our heroes to count.
"I hate it when you do that," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "I am going to count them."
The dwarf tries hard to spot the enemy's number, but fails in his attempt to count.
"How could I fail?" said Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "It's just counting?"
The dwarf is horrible at counting, especially in the midst of a battle. Also the dwarf has no ranks in Spot. However the small warrior may now take his turn to fend off the menacing horde.
Heartsmashingbonecrusher raises his crossbow and fires.
The bolt sails way over the heads of the orc hordes and disappears somewhere in the distance.
"Why the hell would you use a crossbow?" asks Fedrin.
"I already used my movement to make my Spot attempt."
That is when the dwarf remembers that in this instance we agreed Spot could be used as a free action, similar to all the talking that Fedrin and Heartsmashingbonecrusher are allowed to do, despite the obvious waste of time it takes to talk.
"Well, its still a good opening move. Now I didn't waste my movement by closing the distance between me and the orcs," replies Heartsmashingbonecrusher.
"They're only ten feet away. You wouldn't have wasted anything, and you suck with a crossbow. You're not even proficient in it. Why do you even have one?"
"I'll pick up my proficiency at my next level. I like having a ranged weapon for times like this."
"Times like this? Wouldn't you think it might work best if every attack we made counted for something? We're facing an undetermined amount of orcs, thanks to someone I won't name..."
That is when suddenly more orcs appear from the skies riding wyverns. Their spears gleam in the morning sun as they take aim at our heroes.
"You can't just do that!" says Fedrin.
That is when the elf remembers that it is okay, because the wyvern riders will not be able to move or attack until the next round of initiative takes affect, and that he should shut up or next time it will be hell hounds.
The orc who Fedrin swung at with his sword takes a swing of his own. He brings his razor sharp axe down hard on the Silvan headed elf, but the weapon misses as Fedrin is too quick to be hit by the slower orc. Then the next orc steps up to take his chance...
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| Fedrin Lawnmower the Brave, Keeper of the Flame, wielder of the Blade of Jeremy |
The elf realizes that if that were to happen their attack modifiers would be more than he or his dwarven friend could possibly handle. They would be slaughtered in an instant.
"Okay," replies Fedrin, "but can you at least tell us how many there are."
"I'm getting a soda," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "Does anyone else want one?"
The dwarf receives a divine message that tells him to also get the bag of chips in the cupboard and a bottle of water for the great being in control of his destiny.
"Destiny?" says Fedrin. "We are going to be freaking overrun with orcs and this thing hasn't even started yet. Why is it that whenever we finally start Heartsmashingbonecrusher suddenly needs a drink."
The elf has a feeling that everything will be fine if he just calms down goes with it.
"I heard that," said Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "I need something to drink so my throat doesn't dry up. I also got the chips and your water."
The dwarf experiences a sensation of thankfulness and love as if the divine is smiling down on him.
"Can we get on with this?" asked Fedrin.
"Can we get on with this?" asked Fedrin.
The next orc steps up and takes a swing at Heartsmashingbonecrusher. His jagged and rusty sword raises high in the air and comes whistling down with deadly purpose. The blade finds its mark, but because of the dwarf's armor it has little effect.
"I love wearing armor," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher.
"Except that time in the river when you drowned," says Fedrin.
"That wasn't because of the armor. I was carrying too much stuff."
"You're the only one who follows Encumbrance rules," says Fedrin.
As the two heroes are fighting amongst themselves a dragon appears and begins burning the orc hordes with his fire breath. The heat is so intense, it feels like the burning of a thousand suns. The elf knows now why he should have had more faith.
"Again with the dragon?" says Fedrin. "Why does there always have to be a dragon?"
"It is in the title of the game..." says Heartsmashingbonecrusher.
"No," says Fedrin "this is the last straw I'm done with this. Let's do something else, I don't care. How about a video game, Magic, freaking Stratego for all I care. I'm sick of playing the same storyline over and over again."
The elf feels the overwhelming urge to explain his statement.
"What I mean is that there is a dragon. Next there will be a wizard or a necromancer who needs something, a spell or an amulet. We'll have to go on a quest to find it, there will be at least one tavern brawl along the way. We'll find out that the amulet has actually not been stolen from the wizard, but that in fact we are stealing it for him and it turns out he is going to be a d%ck. Its the same thing over and over and over again. Read a new book or at least think up something different. Call me when you do. I'm outta here."
"Fedrin, come back," says Heartsmashingbonecrusher. "Well, we can't play with just us. I'm going home too."
The two heroes are suddenly overrun by the orcish hordes and simultaneously consumed by dragon fire, because they are both jerk-offs. The end.
Should have had a party of 4 instead of just 2.
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