The Art of Science

I know I promised you my predictions for the future this week, but I have really been tied up with this major writing project I have been working on. I will let everyone in on it when I am done and have it published to the web, but for now (since I have been on such a science kick lately) I thought I would share with a great YouTube artist, MelodySheep aka John D. Boswell.

If you have never heard of MelodySheep I suggest checking him out. He does some different remixes, including some funny little remixes for some small pop culture clips, but where he really shines is in his series: Symphony of Science. Basically, he remixes the words and images of famous scientists including, Stephen Hawkins, Carl Sagan, Bill Nye, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Michu Kaku and many more. They range from subject areas of Evolution to Space Exploration to Molecules to Dinosaurs. Not only are the movies informative but they are beautiful and it reminds us all how amazing science is and how amazing it is to be a human being living in an age of scientific exploration and knowledge. Some of the better ones almost feel religious in nature and why not? After all, why does science and spiritual beliefs have to be separate? Why can't God exist in the nucleus of an atom or at the center of a black hole.

I have included some of my favorite. Enjoy them and check out more here.

A Glorious Dawn - Symphony of Science	Children of Africa -Symphony of Science
Poetry of Reality - Symphony of Science	The Quantum World - Symphony of Science

As always when I feature artists I ask that you support them and enjoy their work, and MelodySheep is no exception. His work is not only entertaining, but informative. Science is one of the greatest endeavours humanity has ever embarked on, it might as well have a good soundtrack.

All pictures used are meant only to promote the work of MelodySheep. I do not own or claim ownership of any images used in this blog entry.

Flying Car Insurance

BEHOLD THE FUTURE... where for some reason the only
person who has access to a flying car is this gray-haired
woman in a burka, and everyone else is still left to traveling
by conventional cars in the background. It is more likely that
this picture is telling us that in the future old people will be
given flying cars because it will be less dangerous than
having them on the road with the rest of us.

Did you ever think it is weird that we do not have flying cars, or moon cities, or robot butlers? I mean it is 2012. In 3 years on October 21, 2015, Marty McFly is supposed to arrive from 1985 to find a future full of hoverboards, rooms filled with fax machines, and self-fitting clothing, and yet I still can't find a suit-jacket that fits me properly. Heck, according to Star Trek by 1993 genetic superman were supposed to seize control of more than 40 nations on the planet Earth, and yet in reality steroids are still outlawed by Major League Baseball. I will not even go into the disappointment of 2001: A Space Odyssey. (I mean Pan-Am running a space tourism company?) So what happened?

In a nutshell, culture happened. Ironically, we have discovered that it is easier for us to predict how science and technology will advance rather than how culture will advance (and trust me we have tried.) Technology is created by humans so we can sort-of predict how it will progress, after all as as long as we can imagine it we can conceivable achieve it. However, culture changes so rapidly that there is no telling if the technology we want today will even be desirable in the future. For instance, in the 1950's people had all these grand ideas about the technology and appliances that would come available for the busy housewife in the future. Now technologically speaking household appliances have come a long way, but what those past futurists never really understood is that by the time those technologies existed Mom would no longer be in the kitchen, but in the workplace. The same is true of the flying car.

When talking about flying cars our ancestors never took into account some of the cultural and world imperatives that would arise in the last half-decade to make that dream somewhat improbably. For instance, even if the obvious safety problems of giving normal everyday people access to a flying hunk of metal, accelerants, and exotic plastics could be overcome, no one seemed to be able to predict the culture of litigation and frivolous lawsuits that would try to use the courts to sue over everything from hot coffee to video game violence. No car company in their right mind would assume the legal responsibility that would accompany the mass production of a machine with more litigation-related earning potential than a toy box full of rusty nails. Even more daunting is that by the end of summer gas prices will hover somewhere around $4.00 a gallon. I have a 12 gallon tank in my little Saturn, and yet I still wince when the pump ticks past $35.00. A flying car would not only consume more fuel and cost more to refill, but would probably also cause greater damage to the environment. No one thought of environment or gas  issues in the 1950's when cars were made of steel and American pie.

Basically, thanks to the intervening years and the changing priorities of our culture, often even when we have the technology to finally accomplish the things we thought we wanted, it turns out we do not want them any more. Its like being a kid and wishing you had enough money to get the GI Joe Battle Tank toy, and ten years later when you finally have a job and the money to afford that toy you find out you have other priorities in life. Hmm... spend money on a toy or dinner with a pretty lady... (duh... toy.)

Left: What people in 1952 thought the future would look like.
Right: Some hellish future-vision where women can vote.

The real problem with a lot of these past future-predictions is that when making assumptions about the future our ancestors thought technology would continue to grow and become more obvious, like robot butlers. However, what we have seen of technology over the past several decades is that technology does not become more obtrusive, instead it becomes more subtle and seems to disappear from plain view. Your cell phone has more computing power than biggest super computer of the 1970's. It has more technology and memory space than all the crafts that ever landed human beings on the moon combined, yet it is small enough to fit in your pocket. Wires are disappearing as everything goes wireless, microchips are shrinking to microscopic proportions, and soon even something as subtle as the home computer may disappear forever as its functionality just becomes incorporated into everyday life.

To complicate the matters, culture and technology have an almost symbiotic relationship with one another, (much like art and culture, but that is a whole other discussion.) As culture influences what technology is created, that technology then influences how culture develops. The most classic example of this is, the Internet. The world wide web was created by the US Government as a way to communicate and store records in a non-central location in case of a Soviet nuclear strike. Thus, its creation was influenced by the culture and times it was created in. Over thirty years later, the Internet has become the biggest driving force behind culture in the history of humanity. People live their lives on the Internet, children are growing up never having known anything other than Facebook, Twitter, or Google. For better and worse it has become one of the biggest factors in our lives, and because of that it is not only influencing things like our humor, our art, our porn accessibility, but it is legitimately creating a new global culture. I will not go into the impacts of the Internet on culture, since the list is incredibly longer than I could even begin to list, but it is worth mentioning that any visions of the future we now have, will always incorporate a network of information that allows for the rapid exchange of thoughts, ideas, and pictures of cats.

So where does all this leave us? Well initially, it means we will probably not have flying cars anytime in the near future or jet-packs or underwater cities, or etc. It is more likely cars will become smarter and cleaner first, and maybe even disappear altogether. However, it also means that any well-meaning prediction about the future will need to take into account the coming cultural shifts that will not only influence technology but be influenced by that technology, but those are no small predictions. Only a fool would really try to make any meaningful predictions about future-tech based solely upon his own hopes and ideas... So stay tuned for my next blog entry when I do just that.

A Thought for Your Penny

Probably the only real use anyone has ever found for
a penny.

Now if you are like me I know most of you are wondering, "When is the last time Canada ever did anything that I actually cared about?" The answer is: August 18, 2004 when Bryan Lee O'Malley released the first Scott Pilgrim graphic novel, but that is besides the point. We now have another reason to pay attention to Canada besides its maple syrup, red-coated mounties, and endless string of aging comedians. That reason is pennies.

If you have not heard, last week Canada decided to do away with the Canadian Penny. Yes, that means that Canada will no longer be minting anymore pennies. The Canadian Penny will still have legal monetary value (Making it approximately equal to 0.00998 American dollars), and can still be used in Canadian transactions by intention (and in American transactions by accident). The only difference is that our neighbors to the north will no longer be making new pennies, and as old pennies are collected  they will be melted down and taken out of circulation. As far as consumers purchases, items in the store will continue to cost the usual amount, but when paying with money (not credit cards,) prices will be rounded up or down to the nearest 5-cents. Thus, .01, .02, .06, and .07 will be rounded down, while .03, .04, .08, and .09 cents will be rounded up. This means that sometimes the consumer will lose on the transaction but sometimes they will also win, and really is losing 2 cents of money worth the effort of having to carry around 2 pennies? More importantly, this move will save the Canadian government anywhere between 11 and 20 million (Canadian) dollars a year.

This leads me to an amazing revelation, We need to follow the example of Canada. (I know those words were probably as bitter for you to hear as they were for me to say, but it had to be said.) We need to get rid of the American Penny. I was first turned onto this issue after watching John Green (one of my favorite Youtube vloggers) who has been advocating the demise of pennies for years, and as the eldest Green brother usually is, he was right. Pennies do nothing to help the American economy. In fact, they are costing us money and time.

Last year, The United States minted 4.9 billion pennies, but the cost of minting a penny is 2.4 cents. (that's amazingly ridiculous!) Which means in order to mint 4.9 billion pennies (if your an economics major you would know that equals 49 million dollars) we had to spend 118 million dollars to do it. So every year America throws roughly 69 million dollars right down the drain. That's more convoluted than the plotline to Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (and just as much of a waste of money.) I will not even go into the nickle which costs roughly 11.5 cents to mint, but understand that it should be the next to go. However, in modern times the penny has also proved tremendously unnecessary. You cannot buy anything with a penny, nor can you do anything with a penny. Machines that were purposely designed to use coins (vending machines, parking meters, etc) do not even accept pennies. These small worthless pieces of copper only exist to jingle around in my pocket and be thrown into fountains.

There is also a standing theory that the penny is actually costing America much more than the few millions dollars it takes to subsidize their costs. According to theories of opportunity cost (The idea that time is money) time spent fooling around with pennies costs America over a billion dollars a year. In other words if your time is worth roughly $10.00 an hour and you spend two seconds sorting through pennies that means you have lost roughly 0.0056 dollars in the time it took you to find those pennies you needed. Now imagine you had ten people in  front of you who had to get pennies or have pennies returned to them and it costs you 20 seconds, which would be 0.056 dollars wasted. Now imagine there was a little old lady who was paying only in pennies, and instead of making 10 dollars an hour you were a high-powered executive making $100  an hour or even $1,000 an hour. You can start to understand where the time loss adds up and the annoyance factor accumulates.

If we are keeping it we might as well change the penny to
better match the lunacy it represents... because with
pennies we're all 'winning.'

This brings me to my second point, I do not own a purse or wear a pocketbook. I am a man who is forced to keep all his change in his pockets. That means not only do I jingle when I walk, but there is a possibility I could exceed my encumbrance limit for my size category, (but who pays attention to those rules anyway?) Pennies cost us money, time, and effort. The only way pennies can be legitimately used to make money is if you fill a sock with them and mug a pedestrian while he is walking down the street. There is no logical argument to make in favor of pennies. Now lets examine the illogical argument that people make in favor of pennies.

The big group in support of our useless copper disks is the ironically named Americans for Common Cents. They have several arguments but the biggest come from their fear that doing away with the penny will mean all transactions will be rounded up, prices will skyrocket, and charities that depend on coin donations will suffer. The other reason people argue against doing away with the penny is mostly due to sentimentality and some kind of irrational belief that if we no longer have the penny everyone will forget who Abraham Lincoln is.

I understand that people grew up with the penny and you like it, and whatever, but that's the same rationale I use to stop myself from throwing away old shirts that are obviously past their prime. "Hey not my Incredible Hulk shirt! Sure the sleeve is ripped and its two sizes too small for me, but I like it, and maybe I'll use it again someday." We cannot be bogged down by sentimentality if it is costing us millions of dollars and thousands of collective hours a year. Additionally, all the economic based fear is nothing more than unfounded paranoia. There are a lot of countries that have done away with their pennies, Sweden, New Zealand, Australia, Israel, Netherlands, Singapore, Brazil, Argentina, and (oh yeah) US Military bases overseas who also no longer use pennies. Personally, I spent almost a year living and working in Australia, and I can testify that the economy worked just fine. Prices were rounded up or down and everyone went on with their lives. People still gave money to charities, the economy still remained stable, and I had one less coin to worry about in my pocket.

As far as Abraham Lincoln is concerned, he is our greatest President and Vampire Slayer. There is a lot of things named after him. (Oh and he is on that other thing... what do you call it... a 5 dollar bill.) If Lincoln were alive today I think he would be more insulted by the fact that his head is imprinted on a coin that only has a relative monetary value equal to about 1/26th of what it was worth in his day. "Forsooth, why is thine visage memorialized upon coinage that is of less worth than a flea's arse?" (I am also aware that I made  Lincoln sound Shakespearean, but I'm the writer and that is just something you will have to learn to live with.) Truthfully, it would be cheaper if we did away with pennies and honored Lincoln by just building him a huge monument or carving his face into the side of a mountain... oh wait we already did both those things.

The real fact of the matter is that I do not see the American penny disappearing anytime in the near future. Despite that fact that revamping the American currency system is a logical and easy way for the government to save money, increase efficiency, and prove to the American people that congress can work toward positive and modern change, I still do not see it happening. After all when has the American government ever enacted a change that made sense. Unfortunately as humans, and as a nation, I am afraid we are too stuck in our ways to really make a shift of policy and thought on this large of a scale. I suppose it is just human nature to be afraid of change. (Get it?)

Space Chronicles II: The Wrath of Khan

This is a scene from the Star Trek movie where Shatner and
crew must go back in time to save NASA from budget cuts
by using a whale to help a Klingon recite Shakespeare.

There is a myth that pervades American thought, and it generally goes something like this, "NASA gets too much damn money to study rocks on Mars when we can use that money to [insert cause here,] (i.e. feed the homeless, cloth the starving, give houses to puppies, stop the bleeding of hearts, etc.)." The basic tenement of this myth comes down to the belief that America is spending billions of dollars in space exploration when we could be using that money to solve problems at home. It is a myth that is not only stupid but dangerous, and it is a myth that people like Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson are trying very hard to put to rest.

First off, America does give NASA billions of dollars. For the fiscal year of 2012 NASA requested around 18.7 billions dollars in funding, in actuality it will probably only get around 17 billion. Now I know what your thinking, "Oh my Science! 17 BILLION, that's a lot of money!" and as usual (when I ask these hypothetical questions) you are wrong. It is not a lot of money, only about 0.48% of America's budget for 2012. That means, this year America will be spending the lowest amount of money (comparatively) on NASA spending since 1959 (one year after NASA was founded.) Back then the space program only received 0.2% of the federal budget (that year they got a whopping 145 million dollars in federal money). At most NASA has ever received 4.41% of the federal budget in 1966 at the height of the Apollo Program.

In other words, NASA is broke, and it is the aforementioned myth that is helping to kill it. Think about it as a politician would. When it comes down to cutting money from Medicare, Social Security, or NASA, which do you think the public would object to more? (As a side note: in 2011 20% of the US budget was dedicated to Medicare and 23% was dedicated to Social Security spending.) Thus, in financial terms, NASA has become the red-headed step-child of the US Government. This a precarious position for NASA to be in, and more to the point it is a dangerous position for America to be... more than I think you might realize.

That bring us to our second reason of why this myth of NASA spending is disastrous, and it is a reason explained in Neil DeGrasse Tyson's new book: Space Chronicles, (which is an awesome name.) In it Dr. Tyson (who is the head of the Natural History Museum's Hayden Planetarium in New York City, and charismatic contributor to almost any science show you will ever see on TV) explains the case for space. He makes the argument that by slowly starving NASA the US is slowly starving our own imaginations, not to mention our ability to protect the human race as a whole.

In the 1960's the Space Race started in response to America's fear that Russia would conquer space, spread Communism to the Moon (which is way above the 38th parallel), and invade America with flying saucers (or something like that.) This fear prompted us to go to the moon, which in turn prompted a generation of baby boomers to sit transfixed in front of their TV's as America clawed its way to the surface of our nearest natural satellite. This pivotal moment changed the lives of millions of children who suddenly became fascinated with the idea that human beings could walk on the moon. It sparked the hope and the idea that we as humans could become something more than we are. This fueled the ambition and imagination of a generation and helped to create some of the best scientists America has ever known. Many people may not see the value in the sense of wonder and imagination sparked in the children of the 60's as an asset to America, but it very much is. Of all the exports and trade commodities that the United States has ever had to offer the world, innovation and scientific discovery have always been among the most important and the most profitable.

Setting aside even the obvious benefits of the products which are mere by-products of space exploration, (Velcro, tang, MRI machines), space exploration, and specifically manned space exploration, has fueled the American drive of science for decades. From those children who sat enraptured by the grainy images of Neil Armstrong on the moon came the people who helped invent the computer, the Internet, the cell phone, and hundreds of other products which America pioneered and which helped make America one of the richest countries in the world. We cannot tangibly measure the fiscal income of imagination, but rest assured it is as real as the first quarter gross income figures of American pig farmers. Dr. Tyson argues (reasonably) that a new manned push to space (most notably a call for a return to the moon and even the gold-ring of all space exploration, Mars) would not only help spark the imagination of the next generation of scientists and explorers, but also create a deluge of "spin-off" products that would benefit us in our everyday life in the same way that the "spin-off" products of space exploration in the 1960's helped benefit that generation of people (tang and spam aside). In the next decade, America will find itself trailing the rest of the world in fields of science and technology. Among the last generation of students, admission and interest in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math (STEM) has fallen across the boards, and with it the technological prowess of the USA. We have a chance to fix that for the next generation, and  in the present create jobs and new opportunities not only for the best and brightest Americans, but others from around the world. Anyway you slice it, excitement over space exploration is an investment in our future.

I do apologize as I know I am getting a little forceful and preachy in this topic, but it is one I tend to be more passionate about because I see space exploration as being closely tied with the fate of humanity, and for one simple fact. The planet Earth is on a timer. No matter what you believe or how you think it will happen, it is generally accepted that Earth will one day die. It does not matter if it dies because we drain it of resources, or because it gets taken out by an errant solar flare, or even some sort of cataclysmic climate event, or even of old age, Earth will one day cease to exist and when that day comes if all of humanity still remains on its surface we will die with it. I am not just talking about the physical deaths of all the living people, but the death of everything that we are. We will not just die but so will Abraham Lincoln, Marylin Monroe, the 1986 Mets, Darth Vader, Beethoven, Da Vinci, and everything that we are or ever could be. It will be like the human race never existed and on some distant planet they will watch our star wink out and never know that the light they were seeing was home to the human race, home to our culture, our thoughts, our dreams, and everything. We will just be gone, and that is what scares me the most.

However, if we reach out into the stars and spread humanity across different planets and even different solar systems our culture, our memories, and everything we are can never truly be extinguished. This is, admittedly, an extreme example, but ultimately a true one. In the more immediate future space exploration can help to teach us how to defend ourselves against asteroids and other NEO objects (Near Earth Orbit, though I also would not mind learning how to protect ourselves from more bad Keanu Reeve movies.) We could begin to develop plans for diverting asteroids and comets that do not include Bruce Willis and Aerosmith. This is no joke, because in 2029 the (appropriately named) asteroid Apophis is due to pass so close to Earth that it will dip below our satellites in geosynchronous orbit. The worst part is that means that the asteroid could then be set up for a collision course with Earth when it returns in April of 2036. The impact would be the equivalent of anywhere between a 500 and 900 megaton explosion. Comparatively, the biggest bomb ever created by humans was the Russian Tsar Bomba which only clocked in at 50 megatons. 

Yes we KHAAAAN!!!

Here is the real kicker. We could accomplish all of this with just two critical changes to American policy. 1) We need to start making Space exploration a cultural and politcal priority in the same way that it was in the 60's. The Senate and the government need to speak of missions to Mars in the same way Kennedy spoke of going to the moon, 2) the (easier of the two): double NASA's budget. That means instead of only spending 0.48% of the USA's yearly budget on NASA we need to commit giving them an incredible 0.96% of the budget or even 1% if we are feeling generous. But with the money and (more importantly) the cultural  and political endorsement, Dr. Tyson argues that we would go a long way to restoring America's place in the world of technology and science. We would also be inspiring the imagination of all of humanity for years to come. 

The frustrating part is that it would take so little on our part as Americans to really help get these dreams accomplished. We have become such a nation of cynics that most people usually just balk at the idea of manned space exploration. Newt Gingrich was made the butt of jokes because he dared suggest that American space wxploration should be a priority (granted Newt may not be the best spokesperson for that particular campaign,) but he is not wrong. Maybe that is why we need a candidate for this election that can make the argument more convincingly and with less wives. We need someone charismatic, yet knowledgeable. We need someone who can make the case and yet still be likable on a camera. That is why the 2N2P would like to announce that is it officially endorsing Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson as our candidate for President.

March Graphic Projects

So I have had a very busy few weeks and I must admit I have allowed my blogging to lapse. Mostly I have spent my free time consumed on a few graphic art projects that I have been creating to decorate my apartment with. So in lieu of any sort of contextual blog this week I thought I would share my art.

I call this one Geek Iconology. I wanted to create something that used all the great symbols and small visual icons of the shows/movies/books/comics/etc that I love and have enjoyed over the years. Most icons I was able to pull off the Internet, but some I had to actually recreate by hand. Ironically, it was choosing the proper arrangement that actually proved to be the hardest part of this piece. See how many you can recognize. 

I call this one The Block and the Bold. I was inspired by the minimalist artwork I have been checking out lately online, and I really wanted something that would prove to be iconic but without infringing on any copyright laws. The objects was to make the characters visually recognizable but still within minimalist constraints. I tried to limit the use of colors for each character and for the whole piece, however I was forced to use four different types of green. Everything is created with manipulated shapes (mostly blocks) created in Photoshop.



A Cliche in King Arthur's Court

In a fit of boredom I was flipping through the channels last night and happened across the horrible 2003 film, Timeline (based on the equally horrible book.) Basically it is the story of archaeologists who are flung back in time due to the machinations of an evil corporation, who has apparently discovered time travel and cannot find anything better to do with it than use it to try and kill an old archaeology professor. Our main characters of the story find themselves in the midst of an "exciting" battle between the French and English in the 1300's, and yet the only thing that really got me through the movie was waiting for the appearances of Billy Connolly and trying to trick myself into thinking I might be watching Boondock Saints.

I remember the advertising for this movie when it was first released. The original trailer likened the journey back through to time to 14th century France as the equivalent of a journey to hell. Personally, I think that is kind of harsh. Granted it is a journey to France and even in modern days that can be a trying experience, but the 1300's are hardly hell. I mean they speak languages we know and can interpret, they fight and live by ethics we clearly understand. This makes even less sense when you think that the archeologists sent back were all at least knowledgeable in the time period in which they were sent back to (because the movie opens with them conducting an archaeological dig at the very sight the aforementioned battle took place in.

This did get me thinking about being transported back in time and how well an average person might fair in a historical time period. Obviously some time periods would be easier then others for certain people. For instance, the Ninja Turtles seemed to fair pretty well in feudal Japan, and the closer you get to modern times the easier it would be to adapt. I mean Marty McFly did well enough in the Wild West version of his home town. You also need to take into account the relation of the ancient culture to the culture of the traveler. For instance, I know very little about the customs and beliefs of the Babylonians, but I am well prepared for 1940's America. Language is an issue as well, because even though Ancient Rome is a predecessor to modern western culture, I still dont' think my 5 years of Latin will allow me to very conversant with the locals. I do not think me repeating, "Equus amo" (I like horse), to everyone I meet is going to get me very far.

Movies about time travel have often proven
that the only people who travel through time
are those who are barely qualified to travel
to the local supermarket.

However even beyond those basic problems I have to wonder if we as modern humans would have any real advantage over our ancient counterparts. In the movie Bill Connolly, is able to prove himself useful to his medieval captors by using his "big-future-brain" to make them Greek Fire, (a substance that burns hotter the more water that is added to it.) That is all well and good and a perfect example of how a modern human can use his higher intellect to survive in ancient times, except not really. You see Greek Fire was invented by the Byzantine Empire, and its secret was so closely guarded that the knowledge of how to replicate the substance was lost to history after the Byzantium Empire fell. In other words, Billy Connolly could not know how to make Greek Fire, because in modern times we do not know how to make Greek Fire. I suppose we can argue that being a modern human of average intelligence we could find a close proximate formula. After all, we know that gasoline burns and is resistant to water (but so did people in medieval times,) or that hyper-accelerants such as magnesium will burn brighter when water is applied to them, but that raises other questions. I mean where do you find magnesium and/or how do you manufacture a jet-fuel like accelerant? It is a process that would require highly specialized knowledge that the average modern human does not have.

Really, I keep coming back to the conclusion that modern humans with no special training may not fair too well when thrown back into an ancient scenario. I mean think about it, many modern humans do not even understand how to fix their home computer, and even worse, thanks to the advent of video games and air conditioning most people nowadays will probably find themselves in worse physical condition than their ancient counterparts. Even people with specialized survival training such as people with army training or woodsman experience may still find the task overwhelming. I mean, just because you can take down a deer at 300 yards with a hunting rifle does not necessarily prepare you to use a sword or a spear in combat, and how often does the US Army teach charioteering anymore.

Nonetheless, a specialized skill will always prove more useful than your average couch potato. Engineers, chemists, and especially doctors could probably get by on their skills and knowledge to -at least- prove useful to an ancient society, but even that is questionable. Obviously aerospace and/or computer engineers would find their expertise somewhat antichronal, plastic surgeons probably would not find much work in ancient times, and depending on where and when you land up, chemists or other scientists could just as well find themselves tied to a stake as a crowd lights them on fire while screaming, "witch." Even people who train themselves in ancient culture will probably still have a difficult time overcoming anyone or anything they meet. I mean just because you work at medieval times as a jouster doesn't mean you could probably beat real knights in a jousting tournament, and even though you take three classes a week on how to wield a katana, my money would still be on your samurai opponent who has been practicing with his sword since he could stand upright.

Coming this Fall to MTV and the History Channel.

Our real advantage would most likely be our understanding of history, but even that is not really too reliable. I mean unless you are a highly specialized historian who happens to fall into his/her specialized time period, you probably still will not find the lessons that you learned in 10th grade history class specifically useful, even if you manage to remember them. After all, just because you land in Revolutionary Times, and your general knowledge of history tells you that America wins the Revolution, you still may not necessarily know who will win the momentary battle that you find raging around you. Additionally, the further back in history you go the less reliable historical facts become. There are whole centuries of human history that we are really only guessing at. Any specific or first-hand accounts were either never created or were lost over the adjoining centuries. This makes even scholarly historical knowledge for any age is spotty at best, and completely incorrect at worst.

So who might be the best modern human to survive in ancient times? Bear Grylls? Tony Stark? Whoopi Goldberg? I cannot be sure, nor could anyone until they are faced with that possibility. The answers to these question are as unknown as the mysteries of the past. I suppose it will always vary based not only upon the traveler but also upon what time period they are sent to. All I know is that this sounds like an awesome premise for a reality show. It might even be one I would actually watch.

Friday's

Picture courtesy of Graham Smith

"So the wall explodes and there is like plaster everywhere. The people in the inside are all like, 'Oh my God, what's going on?' So as the dust settles I make my entrance and I do the maniacal laughter-thing, of course, and announce, I am the Mandroid, yadda yadda yadda... You know the typical speech. That's when that douche, Half-Life, shows up. He trashes my robot minions and the next thing I know I'm getting a face full of his radiation blast... I mean come on, radiation blast. That doesn't even sound safe. They call me a menace yet their hero is a walking Three-Mile Island. If I get cancer I am so suing his ass."

I stand there wiping down a dirty beer mug as I listen to the man. He gets suddenly silent and mumbles something into his glass of liquor.

"How'd you get away?" I finally ask as I finish cleaning the mug.

"Get this," he said with a laugh. "I made him think one of my minions was wired with explosives. I gave him the ol' 'save them or catch me' speech. What an idiot."

"I didn't think you were the bank robbery type, Mandroid?" I said as I poured the brightly colored-clad man another drink.

"You know how expensive it is to have robot minions? Enhanced neural processors don't grow on trees you know."

"Barkeep, I think I'll take that kicker./Give me a drink of your best liquor," called the man from at the far end of the bar.

"I think you have had enough, Quizzy," I said to the man as I hobbled down to him.

"Nonsense, for I am the Quiz Master,/and I won't be ordered about by some drink caster." The man stood up from his bar stool and brandished some kind of staff that extended in his hand. I noticed how his purple and gold sports jacket hung off him like a cheap suit.

"Drink caster? Your rhyming is making less sense than usual. You're cut off." I motioned to Edward in the corner.

The big hulking brute of a man lumbered his way toward the bar and picked up the slender squirming drunk from where he stood. With very little effort he carried him to the front entrance of the bar and tossed him like a rag doll through the open door. In a past life, Edward had been known as Two-Ton, a third string villain in Titan City's super-criminal underworld. That was before he got clean and I gave him a job. When you cater to the type of clientele I do it helps to have a seven-foot, super strong, near-indestructible bouncer at the ready.

Of course, there were still some mishaps, a year before some mercenary named Raymond Gunn shot up the place. He destroyed my prized pool table. Then there was the time Professor Nightmare started a brawl with Kid Cyanide because the kid was hitting on Nightmare's girlfriend, The Couger.  Still, for the most part everyone remained civil. They all knew my bar as a place they could wind down. Really super-villains are just like anyone else. All they want is a place where they can go and forget about the world for a while. I like to think I offer that. My name is James Joseph Friday but most people nowadays call me...

"JJ," the voice called my name from across the bar. I turned to find my newest employee, Gill Laridae backing away from the bar top with a gun pointed at his chest.

"What is the problem, Gill?" I said as I hobbled my way toward him.

"I'll tell you what the problem is," said a small big headed man as he stood on top of his bar stool. His tiny child-like hands clutching the firearm like a professional killer. "This kid asked me for ID. Don't you know who I am, kid?"

"Gill," I said calmly, "this is Child Endangerment. He only looks like a kid. Really he's 42 years old."

"I'm 41," said the big headed assassin as he put away his gun away and sat back down. "Now how about that drink?"

"Coming right up," I motioned for Gill to pour his drink order and to his credit the kid snapped out of his stupor and got to work. It's always a little disconcerting the first time you have a customer push a gun or a knife or a fully charged plasma cannon in your face, but in this business you learn to get over it fast, or you quit. I have gone through more than my fair share of employees. Most quit, but a few disappeared without much of a trace. No two ways around it, you had to be tough to work in this industry.

I watched my table waitress Georgia Atlanta as she slapped some guy who looked like he was half-octopus and half-human. I guess he was getting too touchy feely with her, as customer sometimes do. Georgia is one of those people who can handle herself. She used to be a villainess by the name of Southern Bedlam, but she gave it up when her son was born. She moved out west to Titan City to get a fresh start.

"What's it like to be a villain?" asked Gill later on after he had calmed down. The kid had an abnormal fascination with super-villainy and I knew where that path led. I had hoped to dissuade him from it by hiring him on as my part-timer. I wanted to show him that it wasn't all fun and grand larceny.

"Its not anything you want to be a part of kid," I said as I tapped a new keg. I hefted the large metallic cylinder underneath the bar with a grunt. It was another reminder that I was not as young as I used to be. I stood and wiped off my hands with a nearby dish towel. When I turned back around the kid was still looking at me expectantly.

"Listen, kid," I said as I put down the towel. "you don't want to get mixed up in this world. It never ends well. Look at Dr. Zirconium over there." I motioned to a large hulking monster sitting alone in the corner. Underneath his white torn lab coat his skin looked like it was made of jagged crystalline material.

"Dr. Zee used to be a Nobel-prizing winning metallurgist, until one of his experiments went horribly wrong. Sure, the accident gave him increased strength and skin almost as hard as diamond, but it also reduced his intelligence down to that of a twelve year old. Super-villainy always comes with a price. It ain't worth it."

"What about you?" said Gill. He reached into his pocket and he pulled out an old picture, and suddenly I was staring at a memory I hadn't thought about in a long time. There I stood in a black and white jumpsuit. I had this great big mask covering my eyes and the days of the week were written all over my damn costume.

I took the picture from his hand. "God, look at this. I looked ridiculous. Look at my mustache. What was I thinking?"

"You used to be Joe Friday," persisted Gill. "You used to run around with a calendar pinned to your chest. How can you tell me being a villain isn't worth it?"

"First off, it was a weekly planner not a calendar. Second off, I was never much of a villain. It turns out planning your schemes based around a weekly schedule makes you a bit too predictable."

"But everything turned out alright for you. You're fine..."

I don't usually get angry but all the questions along with the old photo had me riled up, "Kid, I was one of the lucky ones. Some of the guys I knew from the old days, King Carnivore, the Piper, Lady Gravity, they weren't so lucky. Most of them are dead or in jail. Damn, the Emerald Hood has spent the last twenty years trapped in some kind of parallel hell-dimension. Is that what you want to happen to you?"

"No," he said meekly.

"I was lucky. Shining Templar only broke my leg in four places when he captured me. I spent a few years in jail and now I got a bum leg to show for all of my troubles, but after all that I decided to go legit. Take it from me. Make an honest living, its a lot less hazardous to your health."

I shoved the old picture back in his trembling hands. "Watch the bar. I'm going out back for a smoke." I left the poor dumbfounded kid alone at the bar. His shocked face the last thing I saw before the back door swung shut behind me. I fumbled for a cigarette and lit it with one of the matches I had in my back pocket. The first drag was like a warm blanket. All the tension and anger seemed to drain away as I stood there smoking and watching the sky over Titan City.

Its an old habit, I suppose, watching the skies. Its something most villains learn to do in their careers. You never know when some guy in a cape and long-johns is going to come swinging down and ruin your day. Even though I hadn't committed a crime in over two decades I guess it was still a hard habit to let go of.

I knew there were still times when I felt the urge and the old excitement would start to kick up again. Friday the 13th's were always the worse days for me, but I had been clean for too long to let myself fall back into old ways. Besides, I was too old to play the game anyway. A man had to admit his limitations and I knew mine. Idly I stretched my bum leg.

I wasn't a villain anymore. I was just a bartender, and that was good enough.