In the Land of Neh

Wherever I go, I find myself surrounded by pig heads.

Did you ever wish you were somewhere else? I have been wishing that all week. With it being October and the midst of my busy period I have found myself nostalgically remembering the lazy days of summer when I was two months younger and so much more naive. Mostly, though I find myself recalling my adventures in South Korea. I spent ten days in the beautiful country whose nickname I don't know and am too lazy to look up, (And will hence forth be calling it the Land of the Casual Mountain Climbers.)

My trip to South Korea was beyond anything I could have expected and even though the country was never on my top ten list, I am tremendously glad I got a chance to see it, experience its culture, and eat its food... and boy did I eat its food. Every meal was a feast of meats, spices, rice, and noodles. In South Korea you don't just eat, you consume massive portions of delicious food with friends, like a medieval banquet (only with less dead Starks.)

This was what they would call a "light meal."

My visit to Korea was more than just one of sightseeing and relaxation (both of which I got plenty of during my stay there,) but it was also a chance to catch up with my long lost friends, Jon and Evie, who are currently living in the country. They were gracious enough to give my friend Doug and I a place to sleep and free reign over their fridge and alcohol. In return, we generally ate up their free time and sent them to work each morning bleary eyed and sleep deprived. It also helped to have "locals" on our side as they could recommend both food and places of interest, which was ultimately how Doug and I found this small eatery that served the best freaking pork cutlet I have ever had. I mean I am not exaggerating. It was delicious. The cutlet was lightly battered and fried, but a little sweet as well. Tender and juicy it came in a rice bowl with egg and other assorted mixings and spices. I want one now...

Anyway, like I mentioned earlier, food was a big part of our journeys in South Korea. From fried chicken in Suwon (I'm talking an entire chicken that was fried,) to a beef and leaf buffet in Uijeongbu, I did not have a bad meal while I was there. Thankfully, I also found enough excuses to exercise to balance out my expanding waist line.

There was the usual walking around that comes with exploring new places, but on top of that I found myself hiking up a centuries old fortress that is now a UN World Heritage site. With a little luck and skill we were even able to find a secret entrance into the fortress that required us to shimmy over a narrow ledge and pass through a forest that may or may not have been mystical in nature. It all paid off though, because we were able to sneak into the Hwaseong Fortress and unknowingly skip paying the entrance fee. We then immediately turned the wrong way and blundered into a toll booth and had to pay the fee anyway. (A fee of 1,000 Won = 1.00 Dollar)

If that path isn't a Call to Adventure
then Joseph Campbell is a dirty liar.

Yet, the real exercise came when we scaled Dobongson Mountain. This day trip started out almost laughably as we discussed how over prepared for hiking the South Koreans around us seemed to be. After all, the hiking trails were paved and barely constituted any rise more challenging than a handicap ramp. Our words, however, soon turned to bitter ash in our mouth as an hour later we found ourselves lost in what looked like a dry and rocky river bed. So with no options (we couldn't turn back or a group of picnicking South Korean women were sure to laugh at the two stupid white boys), and a steely clad determination borne of ignorance we pressed on. The boulders were bigger than us in some places but we scaled them with a skill befitting a drunk billy goat. Eventually the bed started to turn into a cliff and at one point we tried to turn off our path only to find a thick growth of trees and a rather terrifying frog that almost dropped Doug on top of my head. We soon reached the peak of what I was beginning to suspect was a dry waterfall only to be met with a small Korean man going in the opposite direction. We watched him for a moment before tracing the path where he had emerged. A flat, almost impossibly smooth rock about 5 yards wide on a incline of at least 100 degree, separated us from regaining our path. Doug climbed it first, doing his best Spider-Man impression, slipping and sliding all the way. I followed, feeling thankful that I had misplaced my older sneakers (and their worn treads) and was forced to pack my new sneakers with their greater traction.

Our next land mark was an Buddhist hermitage that required a hike up a long set of rocky stairs. Once at the top we made the judgement that we were lost and turned back down before realizing that we hadn't been lost at all, and therefore had to climb all 300 steps again. After a few more hours of trekking and climbing we made it to our first peak and got a stunning view of Seoul and the surrounding countryside, as well as a stunning view of the hundreds of South Korean retirees who had beat us to the mountain top. Apparently, climbing is practically a national past time in South Korea. A friendly English-speaking man related to us that on weekends the mountain would be packed of upwards of 10,000 tourists climbing all over the rocky peaks like ants on a discarded bread roll. Mind you, I took in this news as I was sitting there gulping down water at an elevation of almost 2,000 feet above sea level, while I watched people almost three times my age strolling across peaks and cliffs as if they were walking to get the Sunday paper. There was even a man doing jumping jacks in the distance atop the highest visible peak. (Because when I do my calisthenics, damn it, I want to ensure there is the visible specter of death hanging over me.) That higher peak was also our goal.

Flat and sheer with no handholds. That's just a
regular Sunday jog in South Korea.

We set out again, this time with a choice. We could have gone the safe and relatively flat route, along the forested backside of the mountain, but instead we went with Door No. 2 and took the mountainous path where we walked along ridges the width of a human leg. Thankfully some insightful Korean had drilled metal poles and steel cables into the rock-face so we had hand holds as we defied gravity and commonsense on the windswept peaks. The only incident came when we were descending one peak before reaching the next. The trail zig-zagged along a sheer wall, and the only way to get down was to literally hang on for life to the metal poles fused into the boulders around us. I took a misstep and nearly lost my footing, but in my rush to hang on my water bottle slipped out of my pocket and fell to the forest below. I watched in helplessness as my precious life-giving water plummeted away into the green cloud of forest below me. I felt like Ace Ventura in the beginning of Ace Ventura 2, or like Sylvester Stallone in that movie which Ace Ventura 2 was parodying, but I have never seen, and therefore don't feel comfortable making a reference to it. And that was how I littered in a South Korean National Park. Its what I am going to call, "extreme littering," (which is probably the title of a show coming this Spring to Discovery Channel.)

Thankfully, I was not deported for my crime, because South Korea's neighbor to the north was not a place I wanted to go. (I know that was the weakest paragraph transition I have ever written, and I'm sorry.) Also I am lying because, it was a place I very much wanted to go. Evie was able to set up a tour for Doug and myself of the DMZ, the border between North and South Korea. It was, with no exaggeration, one of the most interesting experiences I have ever had.

I do not want to go into too much detail, as I am not sure what exactly the contract I signed with the US Military covered, and I would hate to give away state secrets. (Don't tell North Korea, that there is a gift shop on the southern side of the DMZ.) Before venturing to the border we were forced to sign papers, basically absolving the American and South Korean governments from any responsibility in the event we became casualties of war. (I figure the ceasefire had held for 60 years, what were the odds it would bust apart on the day of my visit? Then I remembered Adam's Law, but decided to sign my life away anyway.) We were led around by an American Army Private who showed us the conference room that straddled the border between North and South. I even got to cross the border (In the safety of that conference room) and stick a toe in North Korea (IT COUNTS.)

When it comes to flags, we ain't got nothing on North Korea.

We also caught a glimpse of Propaganda City, the city that Kim Jong-un erected on the North Korean side as a shining example of the glorious People's Republic. It should be noted that the city is completely fake, with concrete buildings and painted on windows and doors. It's mostly deserted except for the few people left there to maintain it, the giant speaker system that the North uses to blast propaganda messages at the South, and the four hundred-pound flag that sits atop one of the tallest flag poles in the world. It's pretty hard to miss. We also visited one of five tunnels that the North tried to use to burrow into the South to launch some kind of secret invasion. All the tunnels were eventually discovered by the South (Usually in some sort of comic fashion that left the construction or utility workers staring into the faces of several confused and panicked North Korean would-be-infiltrators.) All in all, the whole experience makes you realize that Kim Jong-un and his son Kim Jong-il are really just Saturday Morning Cartoon villains, coming up with endlessly ridiculous plots and schemes that would make Wile E. Coyote shake his head in bewilderment. However, that is not say that the North is toothless. They have attacked the South before, mostly with missiles and artillery, most recently in 2010.

Yet, despite the dangers of war, falling off mountains, or irate old Korean women telling you that you need to pay admission to a centuries old fortress, I highly recommend this country to anyone looking to visit a new place that may or may not be on your standard list of tourist locales. It is a surprising and friendly country. The people are very used to Americans and are always willing to help someone in need. Most signs are in English and Korean, and when in doubt you can always walk into a restaurant and just nod. I promise that whatever food they bring out, it will be delicious and probably spicy. I was glad I got to spend the time there that I did, and even more thankful that I got to visit my two close friends, Jon and Evie. I miss them, almost as much as I miss that freakin' fried pork cutlet. I may have to visit again sometime.