Ten Fictitious Institutions of Higher Learning

Seeing as that most high schools will be graduating in a few weeks, I thought it was time to let the fictional students out there know what their fictional options are for continuing on with their education. After all, if you're going to spend four years to get a piece of paper, what's the difference if it comes from Harvard or one of the finest pulp institutions? At least it will be cheaper...

Honorable Mentions: Gotham City University, Hillman College, Springfield University, Adams College, Metropolis University, Unseen University, Faber College, Coolidge College, Harrison University, University of Los Angeles, California University, and South Central Lousiana State University.

College University (College University)

Superb academics in areas such as science, world language, robots, and monkey physics, College University has something for every student, man or primate... also aliens. Students will especially enjoy the dorm experience set in wide and luxurious 2D flash animation. Socially, College University offers students numerous recreational spaces and activities, including: a student lounge, numerous concerts by famous bands, like Old Australian Robots (O.A.R.), and the college is set in close proximity to fine eating establishments such as Kung-Fu Karl's. CU is also set close to a popular ski slope, though the college officially denies all connection with any disappearance by students and further claims that they never met anyone named Big Jim, and certainly never saw anyone named Big Jim get mauled by a polar bear. So come on out to College University this weekend for an open house and meet our mascot, Punchy the Kangaroo.

Pennbrook University (Boy Meets World)

Located in sunny Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Pennbrook is an institution of class and tradition. A liberal arts university that still maintains a small college feel, (so much so that we recruit our faculty mainly by hiring old high school teachers that follow their neighbor/students to college.) With an accomplished sports team the Pennbrook Penguins have never won a championship, but we know that with your help, this year will be the year we beat those Amish from St. Jedediah's. Pennbrook University is the kind of place where any awkward scrunchy-haired kid who somehow landed a gorgeous girlfriend, and his cooler, C- student, trailer trash friend can reach adulthood, but even if you're not that kind of person, we know Pennbrook is the place for you.

Hudson University (DC Comics, Law and Order, Castle, The Cosby Show, more...)

Hudson University is so renowned that it has touched thousands of lives across different worlds and universes. Set in the heart of Manhattan we here at Hudson pride ourselves on our relationship with our students, but not in that creepy SVU. We are often in the news, and not only for our many student and faculty disappearances and other pending civil suits, (which our lawyer says we must mention here for legal reasons.) We have a broad and well educated faculty, despite the fact that, odds are, at least one of them may turn out to be a super-villain in the next four years. Every year our graduates go on to rewarding careers in business, education, and engineering. Our Hudson Law school is one of the top law schools in New York, mostly because of all the mysterious murder/rapes that happen on campus. So if you are looking for a school where you only have a 2% chance of being killed or violated in unspeakable ways, than HU is the place for you.

Mars University (Futurama)

Remember our motto, "Knowledge Brings Fear," and at Mars University we strive to embody that knowledge. Founded in 2636 through generous donations by the Wong Family, Mars U has the largest library collection in the western universe. We have well recognizable faculty such as Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Ogden Wernstrom, and Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate, our Downtown Professor of Applied Physics. With a robust Greek life students may join one of our many sororities or fraternities such as Snooty House, or Epsilon Rho Rho. Our dean can sometimes be overzealous and uptight, but what dean isn't when it comes to the shenanigans of free spirited and rebellious college hijinks? Financial aid is also available to students through room space in our financial aid dormitory. So come to Mars University and welcome to the world of your tomorrow.

State University (Venture Bros.)

At State University we cater to a wide variety of students, and we pride ourselves on our hands-off, non-judgemental, policy that allows students to discover who they are on their own. When you arrive on our campus you will be awed by the campus center, the dorm rooms and the many many laboratories we have to offer. As you may have already guessed we have a wide selection of super science majors. Yes, we don't bother with those other sissy majors like English or first aid, here at State University we know what is important: teaching young children how to perform dangerous and morally questionable science. At SU we are proud that we have graduated more super scientists and super villains than any other institution on the planet. With names such as, esteemed alumni, Professor Richard Impossible, Baron Von Underbite, and the Dr. Jonas Venture Sr., you know that you will be getting a quality education. Also we have both O.S.I. and Guild recruiters on staff to help you in choosing your career path. So remember, when it comes to selecting your college, think it through and chose SU!

University of California Sunnydale (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

A university conveniently located in the small California town of Sunnydale, and ti was always there, even when it seems like it wasn't there for three seasons prior to its appearance. Currently, the school has been rebuilt after it was sucked into the giant sinkhole that consumed the town of Sunnydale, which locals have come to colorfully call "the Hellmouth." But like a phoenix from the ashes UCS has risen to be better than ever. We have a comprehensive studies program and a robust student body, that despite the disappearances, continues to make the University of California at Sunnydale a fun a safe-ish place to gain a higher education. The school offers hundreds of after school activities such as participation in Greek life or other student-run initiatives. Local places of interest include the campus' coffee ship, the Grotto, which has been destroyed but rebuilt several times. We will be having an open house this weekend, which will end promptly before sundown, so get here early and check us out.

Empire State University (Marvel)

Empire State University graduates go far in the world. ESU offers a variety of majors backed by world class faculty, most of which who have not yet become super-villains. We offer state of the art facilities and a truly buzzword-worthy learning experience. Situated in the heart of New York, City the most important city in the universe, you will never be at a lack for entertainment or cataclysmic danger. Our close proximity to historic venues such as Rockefeller Plaza, Central Park, and Wall Street means that students will find culture as well as fun. Keep your eyes open you may even see some of our favorite heroes rocketing or swinging through the skies, such as Reed "Mr. Fantastic" Richards, ESU's most famous graduate. So whether you are interested in cosmology, literature, genetic recombination, or one of the hundreds of other majors we offer, than ESU is the place to be.

Barnett College (Indiana Jones)

Founded in 1823, historic and beautiful Barnett College is set among the scenic views of Fairfield New York, and is among the top of Ivy League schools in the country. We here at Barnett consider ourselves academics as well as educators. Our school funds several expeditions and projects throughout the school year, including ones headed up by one of our most famous professors Dr. Henry Jones Jr. We also share close ties to the National Museum where many of the artifacts you will find there have been discovered by our students and faculty. Though our attendance and work policy for professors is fairly relaxed, we have a dedicated and knowledgeable teaching staff. Students will benefit from their years of field work and various skills. So when you are looking for a place to attend this fall, be sure to check our Barnett.

Starfleet Academy (Star Trek)

Starfleet Academy is for the best of the best. We challenge our students at every turn so that they will make the most extraordinary officers that the United Federation of Planets has ever seen. As a cadet you may look forward to taking class on advanced warp mechanics, xenobiology, 20th Century Earth culture (a requirement, as most starship crews will wind up being sent backward in time to that time period at least once or twice.) With a diverse and friendly student body you will enjoy your time in sunny San Francisco. Our classes are taught by quadrant-renowned officers and presents challenges that will test your very wits, while eating an apple. Our promise is that you will graduate, confident that you have received the very best education possible. You will even be able to come up with on-the-fly technical solutions to complicated problems, such as repairing a rupture in a trans-warp conduit with anti-matter refuse from the dillithium chamber, and explain those solutions in relatively easy to understand analogies, like plugging up a leaky faucet with chewed bubblegum. So join Starfleet and you too can boldy go with a long and fulfilling career... unless you are wearing a red shirt.

Greendale Community College (Community)

What can you expect from Greendale Community College? We say: EXPECT THE WORLD! Greendale Community College prides itself on its affordable credit hours, manageable campus size, and interesting people. Did you know actor Luis Guzman was once a student here? Founded in 1974, GCC has been a great place for students to acquire the skills they need to enter the workforce and on your budget. With over 80 areas of study, you can explore your interests before deciding on a major. Our academic and career advisors will help you create a plan you can get behind! Not interested in staying at Greendale forever? Community College makes an excellent stepping stone and transferring credits to and from Greendale has never been easier. To aid with your transition away from Greendale, we have developed the "Six Degrees of Preparation" plan to make sure you have skills in the following areas: PHYSICAL, MENTAL, PUBLIC, SWIMMING, BRAIN, and COMPUTER. Greendale is committed to helping you prepare for success. Don't forget our beautiful campus! In the middle of the day there are at least thirty great places to stay in the shade, usually under beautiful trees and awnings. With all this talk about "hedge funds" in the news, we've started our own! By summer 2010 each of our walkways will be flanked by a number of decorative hedges. Did we mention that actor Luis Guzman was once a student here? Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and the beauty of Greendale is that you won't be confronted with either. We want you to feel comfortable and at home on our campus. Come to Greendale, your mind will change, but your life doesn't have to. (Excerpted from GreendaleCommnity.com)

 

Star Trek: Into The Darkside

One's a blowhard, leap-first/ask questions later, dictator, whose
brash decision making continuously puts the Enterprise in
danger... The other is Captain James T. Kirk... Baazing...

I've mentioned before how doomed the Star Wars franchise is. More and more Star Wars is looking like it has an exposed thermal exhaust port ripe for the exploding. I mean if the opening on the first Death Star had been as big as some of the plot holes in the prequel trilogy, then Luke wouldn't have had to use the Force. Hell, he could've even used Apple Maps to guide that torpedo shot. Now after having seen Star Trek: Into Darkness the imminent death of my all-time favorite franchise seems all but assured.

This is not going to be a review of the newest installment of the Star Trek franchise, after all there is plenty of angry nerds out there exhorting the numerous plot holes, convoluted story lines, nonsensical ranking/organization of this "Abramsverse" Starfleet, and the other dissatisfactions of the most recent movie, (and if you are looking that kind of review I suggest you check out The Nerd Blog for a fairly complete breakdown of the film.) I will say that I didn't hate the movie as much as I probably should have. Yes, Abrams butchered one of the best Trek plot lines and effectively neutered (and swapped nationalities of) one of Trek's best villains, but I can appreciate what they tried to do in the grand scheme of things. I mean at last the movie was still better than The Dark Knight Rises.

What really irks me is how Abrams tends to handle everything. Its like Nero's ship went back in time and created an alternate universe where all the people became young and sexy, all action became fast paced, decisions didn't always have to make sense, and Starfleet's new motto became Deus Ex Machina, (as opposed to Ex Astris, Scientia,) "but who cares, as long as it sells tickets, right?.." And that's the problem. Abrams likes to say he cares about making a good movie, but what he really means is that he cares about making a profitable movie. Star Wars fans should take this as a bad sign.

Professor: Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure!
Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
Professor: Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere
between zero and one.
(Read about why this scene is stupid and implausible)

What people (George Lucas included) seem to forget is that Star Wars didn't start out with the sole purpose of making money. In 1977 Lucas was an unknown director who created some kind of new and far fetched space opera that no one had ever heard of before, and no one thought it would make any money (Lucas included,) but that didn't matter. That wasn't the point, because Star Wars had something deeper. Yes, it had ground-breaking special effects for the time, but at the core of A New Hope it was about the universal story of a farmboy taking the hero's journey and finding something buried within himself. It wasn't the lightspeed or the climatic X-Wing battle that made Star Wars beloved (though they were both very cool and impressive,) it was the heart of the story and how it spoke to something deeper about who we were as humans. The fact that it made money was an added surprise.

Episodes VII, VIII, IX, and the (sigh) one-shot movies about Han Solo and Boba Fett will not (no matter how many times they try to make you think it is) ever be about that deeper mythology or the universal themes of humanity. It will always be about making money, especially now that the films are under the control of Disney. Remember John Carter? (Most people don't.) The House of Mouse took a Victorian fantasy/sci-fi piece that had boundless potential for story-telling and made it into a CGI orgasm of little-to-no substance. They will do it again to Star Wars and there is no decision that optimizes that more than the hiring of J.J. Abrams as director. He is going to take the heart from Star Wars just as he did from Star Trek.

If Star Wars has always been about deeper and grander themes of myth, villainy, and heroism, than Star Trek has always been about philosophical and social commentary. The Original Series was the first TV show to depict minorities as officers and leaders, instead of just caricatures. The show and its predecessors tackled important and relevant social themes of the day including, the Vietnam War, racism, the Cold War, Big Brother, and issues of security versus liberty. It was a truism for Star Trek from the very first episode to the end of the last (Picard-era) movie. If Star Wars was meant to speak to the common myths we all hold within ourselves and our experiences, than Star Trek was meant to speak to the smaller (yet no less important) shared philosophical and ethical debates of our lives, (even if dropped the ball on LGBT issues,) but with this new movie all I find is a Star Trek universe that is all flash and no heart.



An Honest Star Trek Trailer

I am not saying the old Trek always got it right, they didn't. There were plenty of bad story lines and convoluted plot points, but at least they had the audacity to try. Abrams Star Trek is exactly what you would expect, a popcorn sci-fi action movie with enough moments of comedy and sexual innuendo to placate the masses of summer movie-goers. Its a characterization that might have been understandable for the 2009 movie, but for the 2013 movie I looking for something more. This movie missed an incredible opportunity to follow in its predecessor's footsteps and talk about deeper issues, such as terrorism, friendship, and the difference between doing what is expected and doing what is right. I am not saying the movie didn't try to touch on these themes, but it felt glossed over and lackluster at best. It was as if they shuffled them forward so that we could make it just in time to see the next high-flying action sequence.

How will this affect the new Star Wars? I suppose only time will tell, but I am not hopeful. After all when you take out the myth, (the heart) of Star Wars you are left with... Episode I, and that is why the prequel movies failed. They lacked the mythological heart of their predecessors (for a few reasons,) but ultimately because the George Lucas of 1997 was not the same George Lucas of 1977. One was looking to make a deeply satisfying movie (consequences be damned,) the other was looking to appeal to kids so he could sell more toys and McDonald's meals. When you think about it, that is part of the reason why we can accept Ewoks but not Jar Jar Binks. At least the stormtrooper slaughtering teddy bears appeared as part of the greater mythology. The later was just there to pedal the movies to kids like some kind of racially stereotyped drug dealer. I cannot imagine that these new movies will be any better, given the CGI heavy, and "movie by committee" approach that is so common in Hollywood in today.

 

(I am going to digress, please feel free to skip this paragraph.) In many ways the rise of CGI has been both a blessing and a curse to Hollywood. Cheap special effects means that directors have the means to make their movies look big budget, even when they're not. This also means that they can more easily discard storyline and character development for explosions and starfighter dogfights. In franchises like Star Trek and Star Wars the danger for this is even higher. For example, Star Trek: Into Darkness finds itself focusing way too much on action and relies on making Star Trek in-jokes to try and remind audiences of the character bonds that existed between the Shatner/Nimoy crew in order to keep from "wasting" screen time on character interaction between the new Pine/Quinto crew. This is exactly where Hollywood is failing. CGI is not meant to replace story but enhance it. In a lot of ways the limited special effects budget of the old TV show made Star Trek what it is today. Without the ability to depict grand battles between starships writers and producers had to rely on solid and meaningful storytelling that helped to build beloved characters and a deep mythology.

 

Abrams, cannibalized and piece-mealed part of that deeper complexity to make his movie, taking only the actions and aesthetics, and leaving behind much of their inner meaning. He will do the same to Star Wars. According to Wired.com: Despite the alternate “Abramsverse” timeline created for 2009′s Star Trek and Into Darkness, they were still prequels and [Abrams] had to play by some pre-established rules... Lucasfilm/Disney seem poised to create new Star Wars tales from whole cloth, not pick up threads from previous canon, which gives Abrams’ movie a lot more space (literally, figuratively) to play in. More than anything, I find that statement worrying. Let me explain why.

 

This is soon going to be the least racy/sexual thing you have
ever seen in the Star Wars Universe... just ask every female
cast member of the new Star Trek movies.

I don't consider myself a Trekkie (despite my deep love and affection for Star Trek,) but I have seen every episode of every TV show and every movie ever made about the Star Trek universe, so trust me when I say: Star Trek's canon is loose at best. Star Trek stories are notorious for retconning existing story lines, characters, and even existing races into something they were never meant to be, (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.) Maybe that is why Abrams interpretation of Star Trek does not irk me as much as it does other Star Trek fans, because in the grand scheme of things their canon was always kind of shifting and loose. Star Wars on the other hand has always been held to a rigid canon of events, with very few exceptions. It is a canon that has been enforced on writers and artists for decades by Lucasfilm itself, and a canon that has very tightly established the events, the major players, and the intricate history of the Star Wars universe after the events of Return of the Jedi. That means there very much are pre-established rules for making a Star Wars movie set in that era, much stricter than any imposed on any Star Trek set in an alternate universe.

 

We have seen what Abrams does to such an alternate universe where he is allowed to play with ships and phasers and aliens. Now we are giving him the keys to a prime universe where he doesn't have to follow any of the already established norms or timelines that Lucasfilm itself so rigidly held for virtually anyone else who wanted to play in the Star Wars sandbox. I have no doubt the end result will be a string of summer blockbusters, but it will also be the death of my most beloved science fiction franchise. In many ways I owe my geekiness and (by extension) my very personality and being to Star Wars. It helped shape me and create the person I am today. Abrams and Disney and George Lucas are going to destroy that franchise, and with it a small part of me.

 

Maybe I will be surprised. Maybe these movies will be the greatest thing to ever happen to me and Star Wars, but I find it unlikely. With a playground of starfighters and Jedi Knights I doubt Abrams is going to be able to resist giving us action sequence after action sequence at the expense of the true spirit of Star Wars. I am now, more and more, convinced that the deeper myth of that far far away galaxy existed, only, a long time ago. After all, according to E-Online: Forget the Star Wars novels. Forget the graphic novels. Forget everything you think you know about what happens to Luke Skywalker... Episode 7 will literally be nothing you've ever seen or read before from the Star Wars universe.... I think on that much, at least, we all can agree.

 

 

That Asian in the Background

Answer: It's Ensign Harry Kim, Star Trek's "other Asian"...
In all fairness you may have not noticed him because he is
being blocked by Seven of Nine and her... ahem... implants.

With the release of Star Trek: Into Darkness this week, I am thinking this might be a good time to address an issue which comes up so often in geek and mainstream media (We call that normedia), the stereotype of Asians as sidekicks/partners/background dressing/etc... It's a trend that started around 1931 when (the very white) Warner Oland put on make-up to impersonate the detective Charlie Chan in the movie, Charlie Chan Carries On. The movie was a success, but only because they had a white guy (offensively) playing the titular role of the Chinese detective (who was based on the real Chinese Hawaiian detective, Chang Apana.) In fact, two different studios had tried making Charlie Chan adventure movies before 1931 and both failed miserably because they cast an Asian actor as the lead, and only featured the  titular character as background to the other white characters. The American audience just couldn't conceive of an Asian as a hero, except when being played by a white guy, and ever since Asian characters have been regulated to the role of sidekicks (many of whom tend to be infinitely more interesting than the hero they are assisting).

Just take a look at the ultimate Asian sidekick (literally), Kato, the masked chauffeur of the Green Hornet. Now Kato is an interesting example, because in most ways he is waaaaaaayy more competent than the lead character, Green Hornet (a fact that the Seth Rogan/Jay Chou film goes to great lengths to illustrate.) Kato is a martial arts master (especially when played by the great Bruce Lee), a gifted mechanic, and has a genius-level intellect. By all accounts of comic book lore and law, those three are enough to make anyone into a top-tier successful superhero, but not Kato, because he is Asian... A sad fact of the matter is that in white mainstream American media that means he has a handicap. Thus, not only is Kato not the hero, he doesn't even have a dual identity. He is simply called the "masked chauffeur," or "masked companion of the Green Hornet." This ambiguity is so bad in fact, that most incarnations can't even seem to agree where Kato is originally from, China, Japan, Korea, the Philippines. When the Chinese actor, Bruce Lee, played the character he was Japanese. In the newest incarnation he was Chinese, and in the old radio serials two of the three voice actors who played him were white, and his nationality was flipped several times, eventually settling on "generic oriental," but I mean... what's the difference, Asian is Asian, right?

 

"Due to their emasculated nature an Asian man could never
be considered a sex symbol in Ameri... Look at that guy's
abs... What was I saying?"

I can only hope that my above statement will never be taken out of context to come back and bite me during some future political campaign, because it is incredibly offensive and incorrect. That would be like saying, "French? German? What's the difference, European is European, right?" or "Canadian? American? It's all the same." Even when you think about the term Asian American, it is at least slightly derogatory. I mean do we call anyone "European American" or "South American American?" The only other people who get identified by their continent, in fact, are Australians, but that's only because their continent is the same as their whole entire kangaroo-damned country. (Also, Africans, which is also racially motivated....) (Note: I will keep using the term Asian in this blog due to its wide recognized connotations and because many of the people I will talk about have been labeled as such without any specific country qualifiers.) The real fact is that the people of the different East Asian cultures are very different from one another. It is a distinction that most Americans tend to glance over, because "they all look the same," or "they all can't speak English," or because of: any of the other thousand ignorant statements you might overhear at the dive bar in the small town I grew up in, and because of these justifications we tend to devalue them as people and as heroes.

Take a look at Indiana Jones' eleven year old Chinese sidekick, Short Round. I am not claiming Spielberg or Lucas are knowingly racist, (In Lucas' case I doubt if he is even knowingly competent,) but there is a reason why Indy's Asian sidekick is a child. It devalues him as a masculine figure when compared to the white male hero of Indy (like Robin compared to Batman). Short Round's English is broken and comical, and his child-like naivety and lack of formal education fulfill the type-cast mold of what a movie-goers might expect from a helpless Asian sidekick who needs to follow around the stronger American for protection. However, much like how Kato turns certain stereotypes on its head, (Asians are supposed to be bad drivers, yet Kato was the chauffeur,) so does Short Round. Despite his lack of formal education, the kid is exceptionally quick thinking and even manages to save Indiana on more than one occasion in the movie. It can even be argued that he is the true hero of the story. When Dr. Jones is off having unfulfilled romantic tension with some hitchhiking lounge singer, its Short Round that picks up the slack and keeps the story on pace. His strong moral compass not only help keeps Indiana Jones on track, but saves a few hundred unfortunate slave children.

Most people forgot about Mr.
Miyagi's former career as owner
of the 1950's diner, "Arnolds."

Of course Asian partners aren't just kids, they can also be really old men, such as the famous Mr. Miyagi. His quirky "old manness" is often pointed out as fitting the stereotype of the wise man or even the mystical Asian. In many ways Miyagi is a caricature of Asians, speaking with a Yoda-like speech pattern, being a master at karate, and directing Daniel with cryptic and confusing instructions. However, he also eschews the mold by having a very real history and proving he is not just another one-in-one-thousand sensei wannabes. He not only served in the American military with distinction, during World War II, but his wife and son died in the Manzanar Internment Camp. The character of Miyagi is able to break his mold by being a real person. He is also as an admittance by the movie that America destroyed a lot of lives with forced Japanese internment, (to put it mildly.)

In the remake of Karate Kid, the wise and venerable master is played by everyone's favorite "zany" martial artist, Jackie Chan. Now you might want to hold up Chan as someone who breaks the old stereotypes. After all, he is a major Hollywood actor, a leading man, and he plays respectable characters, but think about that for a minute... Take a look at Chan's best hits, Rush Hour or Shanghai Noon. Is Chan really the star or just a second banana to Owen Wilson and Chris Tucker? It is even hard to argue that the acclaimed Chinese actor plays different roles in both movies. Other than a change in time and location he essentially plays the same person over and over again. In fact, Chan himself expressed frustration over the limited roles available to him in Hollywood, and he's a freaking A (maybe B) list celebrity, which is part of the reason why he started his own production company, where he produced movies such The Myth and Rob-B-Hood. Never heard of them? That's because Chan chose not to play the same old roles, and the American public lost interest.

As with most stereotyping there is a true danger of internalization, not only by white audiences, but by Asian American audiences as well. After all, America tends to think of the Asian population as the "model immigrant." They are smart and hard working. They are the kids that sit in the back of the class, get straight A's and never complain... but that is part of the problem. The media generalizes them to background characters because for some reason we have incorrectly labeled them as background characters in our culture. Yet, when small Asian girls and boys watch these movies or TV shows what are they supposed to think about themselves? Is the highest rank of herodom they can attain, truly be "Emasculated Sidekick," or "China Doll," or "Quiet Smart Kid," or "Kung Fu Master?" Do Asian boys grow up and think that they can never get the girl, or that they are always destined to stand behind some white man and be his tech nerd or silent underling?

Thankfully, the trends are changing. For example I would point to Pixar's Russell, the Asian American boy scout in Up. He is still not considered the hero, but neither is he a silent and passive character meant to solely compliment Ed Asner's old man character. Russell is integral to the plot. He is the driving force behind all the adventures and even the eventual change of heart experienced by the old man. He is also obnoxious, not particularly smart, and has no discernible accent of any type. I'm not saying he is exactly the type of character one would look to emulate, but he is also not the typical Asian American stereotype.

Despite all his progressiveness, Glen does sort of have the
Short Round look going for him.

We also cannot ignore, Glen, from Walking Dead, who (in my opinion) is probably one of the most complete and successful Asian American characters on TV today. He is smart, resourceful, and so important to the show that if he dies I think I might actually start some kind of protest campaign. Even better he has completely thrown off the old ideas of the non-masculine Asian male to prove that he is not only kick ass in a fight, but has won the affections of Maggie, played by the very attractive (and very white) Lauren Cohan. In the past you almost never saw a male Asian character "save the princess." Asian men often suffer from a stereotype of being asexual or non-sexual beings. They are emasculated in the white media. In years past it was simply deemed too unbelievable that an Asian male character would ever "get the girl," (especially a white girl), but the Korean American Glen not only helps to buck that trend but practically shatters it.

Another actor breaking trends is John Cho of Harold and Kumar fame. The actor is coming to epitomize the new breed of Asian characters coming into prominence of both nerd and mainstream media. No longer regulated strictly to the background, actors like Cho or Ken Jeong (who has played such notable parts as a flamboyant gangster, a LARP'ing king, and a Spanish teacher,) are helping to break the old molds of what Asian characters can and can't be. Of course this brings us back around to Star Trek: Into Darkness, where Koren American Cho plays the roll of Hikaru Sulu, despite the fact that the role was originally held by a Japanese American, George "God Among Men," Takei.

“It’s really hard to hate someone for being different when you’re
too busy laughing together.”  -George Takei

The veteran actor portrayed Sulu on the original run of Star Trek and its movies. Now the old Star Trek series wasn't perfect in its progressiveness, (as Romulans started as nothing more than "Evil Asian" stand-ins, in much the same way that Klingons were so Russian you could smell the vodka,) but for 1960's TV it was (pardon the pun) light years ahead of most. One of the principal characters was Lieutenant Sulu. Mainly a glorified background character to Shatner's Kirk, he may have never gotten the type of screen time that Leonard Nimoy or DeForest Kelley got, but his appearance on the show was a leap forward in its own right. Not only was Sulu a hero character, but he was the pilot of the USS Enterprise, an incredibly important and prestigious position, as any first year cadet of Starfleet Academy will tell you. Even further, Sulu went on to captain his own ship in time, and even found time for a family. Similar to Kato, in a lot of ways it can be argued that Sulu was the superior officer to the womanizing, workaholic, punch-first-ask-questions-later Kirk.

Despite being regulated to the background, Sulu marked an important step forward for Asian depictions on television and in the media. Maybe that is why it is so fitting that John Cho be the actor selected to take over the reigns of Sulu. The upward trend of Asian characters in the media has been heart-breakingly slow, but thanks to a new generation of actors, like Cho, we are finally coming to realize the importance of the Asian standing in the background, because sometimes they can be a heck of a lot more interesting than the white guy standing at the front.

 

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Huh?

Nope... nothing racist here...

So for this week's installment I am feeling a need to hate on Disney... I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with lingering resentment over the Star Wars acquisition and the tepid rumor by the Internet that Disney may bring back Darth Vader for Episodes VII to IX, (even though I am pretty sure that is really just a rumor.) The real truth is: I guess I am just in the mood to throw stones and after my visit to Disneyland in California a few weeks back I still have the giant mouse-run megalithic entertainment corporation on my mind. Also I noticed something after riding Splash Mountain for the third time (or fourth, I forget,) The Br'er Rabbit story is kind of screwed up... I'm just saying...

For all of those not in the know (or for those who just never noticed that Splash Mountain contains an animatronic story before the inevitable five-story drop,) Br'er Rabbit is a rabbit who lives in the Deep South during reconstruction (roughly 1870's.) He is constantly pursued by Br'er Bear and Br'er Fox. He spends the entirety of his story and the ride outwitting the two simple hillbilly stand-ins until the end when he finds his "laughing place," and let's his guard down. He is then captured by them, but before they can cook him up, Br'er Rabbit uses reverse psychology, (as rabbits are known to do,) and convinces Br'er Fox to throw him in the briar patch. This is represented on the ride by the all-important log-flume drop. Br'er Rabbit then escapes unharmed from the briar patch because he was raised in the briar patch. He the returns home to anthropomorphized southern stereotypes singing his welcome, and the two villains get their just deserts, being pursued by an alligator.

The stories come from the Disney movie Song of the South, a 1940's Disney film that combined animation, live-action, and racism, into a surprisingly forgettable movie. (It's only claim to fame, despite spawning the premise for Splash Mountain, is the song Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.) Beyond that the story of Br'er Rabbit comes from African-American children's tales and southern slave folklore. The rabbit in the story often represents the famous archetype of the Trickster, which was very prevalent in African stories, (the most famous, and my personal favorites, are the ones being about Anansi the spider,) but the Disney version of the Br'er Rabbit story is not an African tale, it is adaptation and a homogenization of them, and much like how The Little Mermaid glosses over the questionable and inevitable conversation about fish reproduction versus human reproduction that Eric and Ariel have on their wedding night, the Song of the South tends to glance over the messier aspects of southern black life and racism, both pre and post-Civil War. However, for now let's ignore the obviously flawed racial aspects of the Br'er Rabbit story and concentrate on some of its more other questionable aspects.

First off, Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear are chasing down Br'er Rabbit to cook him for dinner. This makes them the villains, but think about that for moment. The Bear and the Fox are only just hungry. This is the circle of life people ( you, know... that thing that was sung about by the unseen omniscient voice at the opening of the Lion King.) The two antagonists are only trying to get their dinner and for that they get branded as the bad guys. Even Elmer Fudd (who is a human only hunting for sport) is seen as less of a villain than the Fox and Bear who have no other option but to hunt rabbit for food, and in turn get eaten by an alligator for their troubles. I suppose this is a minor argument, as the story needs villains but I mean... c'mon. Br'er Rabbit could just as easily be the villain. In fact, even the old African stories acknowledge that the trickster character is an extreme character that can be as bad as he is good if the tricks are used for improper means. Br'er Rabbit antagonizes Fox and Bear and then purposely leads the two dimwits into the snares he sets up for them. That seems a lot like entrapment in my book. They are only trying to survive. What else are they supposed to do for Jafar's sake? This story could have easily been about the unshakable bond of brotherhood between a bear and a fox as they face the villainy of the devious rabbit that keeps terrorizing them.

The irony of the Southern Temperance movement was that
most of these women probably would not be kissed at all
if not for alchohol.

Secondly, (and granted it is slightly different between the ride and the cartoon,) but Br'er Rabbit is looking for his laughing place, which in Splash Mountain is done in black light and is about as psychedelic as you can imagine. A mild interpretation of this section of the ride is that your "laughing place," is alcohol, and a more literal interpretation is that it is LSD, but (since the ride is clearly trying to mimic the Post-War South situation of poor black Americans,) let's just assume that Br'er Rabbit's "laughing place" is in fact found at the bottom of a bottle. This idea is reinforced by the fact that as you near the inevitable drop you are met with an animatronic possum-mother singing the Laughing Place song in a mournful warning tone to her animatronic possum children. It is the tone of Southern Temperance (which was also an aspect of southern life.) The ride seems to suggest that Br'er Rabbit got drunk and was captured by Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear while inebriated. This could be interpreted as a lesson against drunkenness, but then Br'er Rabbit makes his aforementioned escape into the briar patch and it never really gets mentioned again. I'm not sure how to take any of this.

Lastly, there is something unsettling about the racial aspects of the whole ride. Splash Mountain really does a lot to try and ignore all the black stereotyping which the movie, Song of the South, got criticized for (and in 1946, you know that had to be a feat,) but it’s still there in some form. For instance the word, "br'er" is really just the word "briar" said through poor Southern African American inflection. All three main characters have racially distinct voices (they all sound like southern black people) and the fact that Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear are portrayed as simple and stupid while Br'er Rabbit (though clever) is portrayed as lazy, seems to harken back to racial stereotypes that should at least make us fidget a bit.

The whole ride ends with a big riverboat dance number and our rabbit "hero" relaxing at home. He is unharmed and unaffected for all the trouble he caused everyone. The ride comes to an end and everyone dutifully files down the hall to the gift shop and to look at their photo with secret hopes that the girl in front flashed the camera. It’s just another wholesome Disney day.

Now, I am not at all suggesting they remove Splash Mountain, the ride (like all things Disney,) has its place. It has a wholesome exterior concealing a confusing and questionable inner-meaning. It is much like how Mr. Toad's Wild Ride pretends to not be about sexual innuendo or how the Aerosmith Ride pretends to not be about gross narcissistic commercialism. I guess all I'm saying is that it's amazing the things you notice when you're forced to ride Splash Mountain half a dozen times.