I should start off by apologizing for the lateness of this post, as I have already written this post once, but, in what I can only assume to be the opening shot in the coming computer/human war, blogger decided to delete it. After that I kind of lost my "gusto" to write it all over again, but for posterity's sake I trudge on:
Let's face it, in today's housing market it's hard to find a good place to live for a decent price, and there is so much to consider when looking for the right neighborhood: crime rates, income taxes, secret government testing sites, etc... It only gets worse if you have kids and have to find a decent school system. I don't know much about real estate, but if you live in the fictional world I have a few suggestions of places you should probably avoid.
Honorable Mentions: Raccoon City, PA; Amity Island, MA; Haven, ME; Forks, WA; New New York, NY; Hills Valley, CA; Castle Rock/Derry, ME;
10. Eureka, Oregon
Neighborhood Type: Small Town
Crime Rates: Petty
Schools Systems: Top in the nation
Public Health/Safety: Questionable
Diversity: Average
Strangeness: About once a week
At first glance the town of Eureka is an idyllic small town that closer resembles the bygone days of yesteryear. The main street is filled with local shops, friendly neighbors, and is permeated by a park-like atmosphere, but there is more than meets the eye to this small town dream. Founded in 1947 under direct orders from President Truman, Eureka was designed and planned by men with names like Oppenheimer, Grant, and Einstein as the ultimate scientific think-tank. Resembling little more than a military base at its founding, the town has grown into a true neighborhood in every sense of the word. The crime rates are so low that the town only has two law enforcement officials at any given time. Additionally, living in a town of genius-level scientists means that the school systems are way above the national average for education, especially in the areas of math and science. So why is Eureka on our list?
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| Cafe Diem is the local eatery of the town. |
Excluding the fact that the town is basically run by Global Dynamics, a large technology/military contract conglomerate that answers directly to the Pentagon, Eureka has some serious safety issues. The stereotype of the absent-minded professor exists for a reason, and there is plenty of them in this small scientific community. This means frequent lab accidents that often result in a release of some kind of dangerous chemical, robot, nanobot, wildlife, energy pulse, or anything else you can think of that has far reaching implications. Though, the active EM barrier protects the outside world, the residents of Eureka are regularly exposed to the weirdness that results from whatever scientific breakthrough runs amok each week, and the results are not always easily contained or stopped. Though deaths are kept to a minimum, there have been several cases of fatalities, as well as other less common disappearances. On at least two occasions, the entire town was irrevocably changed due to spacial and time-based anomalies.
Our Recommendation: Stay away from Eureka, even if you can get the government clearance to live there. Where everything from top-level government projects right on down to school science projects has the potential for nearly cataclysmic disaster, it very well could be safer just living on top of an actual ticking nuclear bomb.
9. Bayside, California (and Indiana)
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| Bayside High School |
Neighborhood Type: Suburb
Crime Rates: Mostly juvenile
Schools Systems: Below average
Public Health/Safety: Below average
Diversity: One African American girl
Strangeness: Frequent
Nestled in southern California beside near, what we can only assume, is some sort of bay-like body of water (though this has never been confirmed) Bayside has several problems worth mentioning. First the education is sub-par. The high school is headed by a principal that puts a true emphasis on the "pal" part of the title. By all accounts he is more desperate for the attention of his students than even the most insecure fourteen-year old. This leads to problems not just in discipline, but in staffing. The teachers are more often inept and two-dimensional. Whenever work is assigned (which is infrequent) it tends to be something ridiculous such a physical fitness challenge, or a bake sale. Even when a test or something of more educational value is assigned most students seem to be able to con their way out of it, cheat it, or generally just ignore it.
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| A typical Bayside home. |
The more prominent problem is Bayside's dark and often unrealized underbelly. Constant disappearances plague the residents of this town. More notable ones include, a well-established and liked business-owner, a highly respected teacher, a leather-jacket wearing local high school girl, several parents of local high schoolers, as well as two more high school girls by the names of Jessica Spano and Kelly Kapowski, but in the last two instance the girls miraculously returned as quickly as they disappeared. Even stranger is the fact that most residents never comment on these disappearances, but that seems to be symptomatic of the larger problem that faces Bayside, irrevocable and terrible memory loss. Every person in the town is affected by chronic amnesia that often makes them forget not only people, but large events in their own lives. For instance, in what most towns would consider a welcome boon and much needed tax relief, the town once discovered a large deposit of crude rude oil under the local football field, but a week later it was simply forgotten about. Similarly, several local girls started a singing group that, by all accounts, gained widespread popularity, only to have the whole phenomenon completely forgotten by everyone involved, including the young females themselves. Another local high school boy built the first artificially intelligent robot in his own room, and not only was this technological breakthrough hardly commented on, but it too was swiftly forgotten. (This memory loss may also explain why certain senior classes at the local hgih school have graduated at least two or three times.) In the strangest incident of all, the town itself was originally located in Indiana, but unexplainably moved to southern California without any recollection or comment ever made by the residents. Some accounts put a lot of the blame on a local con artist and popular boy, Zack Morris. It is very possible that the entire town and everyone in it is really nothing more than just the telekinetic plaything of this Morris. Some people have even claimed that the teenager has the god-like ability to stop and manipulate time.
Our Recommendation: Stay as far away from Bayside as you can, unless you are prepared to submit to early 90's fashion and the will of a morally ambiguous and misguided teenager who will make you vanish the moment he no longer has any need of you.
8. London, England
Neighborhood Type: City
Crime Rates: Above average
Schools Systems: Average
Public Health/Safety: Poor to average
Diversity: British
Strangeness: Especially around Christmas
Fictional London is a place full of many dangers, and that is nothing new. Before New York was anything more than farm lands, London had already been destroyed and rebuilt several times, including the nineteenth century Martian Invasion which was only stopped through an effort made by a clandestine group within the British intelligence community. Crime has always been a problem in the city with so many murders that even some of the most brilliant detectives in English history have been unable to stem the tide. Poverty during the 1800's was so rampant that most children lived on the streets, often forced to learn the arts of chimney sweeping, pickpocketing, and bad cockney accents. Even those that were fortunate enough to belong to well-to-do families were often placed under the thumb of magical witches masquerading as nannies. Magic was often a huge problem during London's past. There are even historical records of three or four ghosts that would haunt wealthy business men on Christmas night.
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| This wasn't even the top story on the news that night. |
Even in modern times magic is still a problem. Though it has been regulated to several secret spots around the city, magic-related deaths are still known to happen. This was especially true during a period in the 90's when a rash of such deaths were often accompanied by strange symbols in the sky and fast moving clouds of black smoke. Yet there is more to worry about in London than magic, as extraterrestrials events are especially frequent. London has been attacked/invaded several times in recent memory, often resulting in minimal death but the desecration of major landmarks such as Big Ben and Canary Wharf. Mostly these incursions are stopped through a combination of one or two secret government groups, but some even claim that help more often comes from a singular man in a blue box.
Our Recommendation: Though we recommend avoiding fictional London, we know that there will be many who disregard this. There is always inherently more risk living in a large metropolitan area, but to minimize your danger it is best if you do not live near major landmarks, you avoid anything that seems out of the ordinary, and most importantly, take an extended vacation away from the city during the Christmas time season.
7. Springfield, ???
Neighborhood Type: City
Crime Rates: Above average
Schools Systems: Poor
Public Health/Safety: Hazardous
Diversity: Yellow
Strangeness: Average
Springfield is located in a state that borders Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky and sports one of the most diverse landscapes of any location, including Springfield National Forest, Springfield Gorge, the volcanic Mt. Springfield, the Alkali Flats, the West Springfield Desert (that is three times the size of Texas,) as well as glaciers, mountains, and a portal to another dimension that is responsible for the disappearance of NY Mets player, Darryl Strawberry. Springfield is also at the mercy of a multitude of natural disasters, such as hurricanes, tornadoes, heat waves, blizzards, earthquakes, acid rain, flooding, lightning, and meteor strikes. Much of this weather (and possibly the lack of aging of Springfield's residents) may have to do with the poor environmental record of the city, as Springfield was once so polluted that they had to pick up the entire town and move it five miles down the road. The old site of the town is now part of the Springfield dump and is home to one of the largest and self-sustaining tire fires in the world. The lake is so polluted that it is not uncommon to see fish with three eyes and the atmosphere is so think that it is capable of melting a town-destroying comet down to the size of a chihuahuas' head. The pollution is so bad that the EPA once tried to destroy Springfield for the sake of the world.
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| A Springfield landmark. |
A lot of this pollution happens because of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant and its owner/operator, C. Montgomery Burns, a man with often supervillain-like ambitions. Also unhelpful is the rampant corruption of the town's mayor and police force. This has become such a problem that residents of Springfield will sometimes turn to the local mafia just to solve a problem. The school systems are just as bad if not worse. Springfield Elementary was once named the Most Dilapidated School in Missouri, which is why it was moved, brick-by-brick, to Springfield. The school is underfunded, filled with asbestos, and often outsources positions to local convicts on work release programs. The teatherball is a cinder block, the cafeteria food is made of circus animals, and programs such as music and art are only ever a hair's breath away from being cut. Kids are kept in line by the inept principal only through the use of draconian discipline measures such as a silent-independent-thought alarm. The school bus driver is a known drug offender, but surprisingly the city has at least two colleges.
Our Recommendation: Stay away from Springfield. It is doubtful if any outsider whose body has not gradually adapted to the high levels of radiation and pollution can even live in the city comfortably for extended periods of time, but even if you can, we promise you that the allure will probably only last for about 9 seasons or so. After that it will get very old, very quickly.
6. South Park, Colorado
Neighborhood Type: Small town
Crime Rates: Average
Schools Systems: Poor
Public Health/Safety: Poor
Diversity: Token
Strangeness: Typical to supernatural
South park is a rural small town set beside the mountains of Colorado, but unlike others of its kind, death is a constant in the lives of these townsfolk. In fact, dying is so commonplace that most barely even notice it when it happens, with one small child dying over one hundred times. Often these deaths occur as a result of whatever problem is currently facing the town, whether it be man-made or supernatural. Both Satan and Jesus Christ have visited South Park many times over the years. The residents themselves are generally thick-headed and prone to panic and mob violence (almost at the drop of a hat,) often making a bad situation worse. The most level-headed among the South Park residents tends to be a select group of fourth graders, though even their rational behavior has slowly lessened over the years.
Despite its relative isolation, much of South Park's ongoing problems stem almost directly from the most current issues facing the nation and the world. This often puts the residents of the town on the front-line of most national and international crises, including Presidential elections, celebrity phenomena, religious controversies, civil rights issues, and most notably the 1999 American-Canadian War. Over the years the town has faced everything from serial killers, to aliens, to ghosts. The most devious of the residents, an Eric Cartman, has been linked to several deaths, (as well as military coups in foreign countries.) The crime rate is relatively average, but with only one police officer (as inept and panic prone as the rest of the adults,) crime is still a major problem. The educational system is left mostly up to the whim of school officials and the popular theories of the day. All in all the whole town seems to be left in an almost constant state of whimsical flux, much like a thirteen year-old high school girl who lives her life based upon what is trending on Twitter.
Our Recommendation: The instability of the town's populace mixed with the fact that South Park is often the intentional or unintentional magnetic center of all the current and most major events of the world means that it is not a suitable place to raise a child. Also there is a high potential of fatality. However, of all the town's many many many deaths only a small fraction of them tend to be children, except for one... You bastards!
5. Angel Grove, California
Neighborhood Type: Suburb
Crime Rates: Giant monsters
Schools Systems: Average
Public Health/Safety: Questionable
Diversity: Usually at least one or two minorities
Strangeness: Japanese-esque
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Godzilla attacked Tokyo on a weekly basis, and what it would be like if Tokyo were in fact located in southern California? If you have ever asked yourself these questions, then maybe you might consider moving to Angel Grove, though we would not recommend it. A suburb of Los Angeles, the town seems almost unbelievably well equipped, with everything from a high school to a youth center to an airport to several secret underground/high tech bases. With a population of 376,000 of the unluckiest people in the world, Angel Grove sits at an elevation of 241 feet above sea-level. Oddly enough, despite its location in California historical records show Angel Grove to have been founded in 1775 by the British, which grew quickly into a typical wild west town during the 1800's.
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| The commute this morning is going to be hell. |
The largest and most persistent problem of Angel Grove is the constant and near endless monster attacks that the town suffers, almost on a weekly basis. These attacks, which are often formulaic and predictable, start relatively small and are often easily defeated by a force of colorful heroes. Unfortunately it does not stop there. It is bad enough when creatures that look like bad football mascots ravage the downtown area with reckless martial arts and nonsensical pyrotechnics, but upon being destroyed the monsters grow to massive proportions, much larger than any of the buildings around it. The only way to combat these giant threats seems to be with an equally giant robot. As you can imagine the ensuing battle causes millions of dollars in property damage and presumable, (though it has never been confirmed by officials) hundreds of dead.
Our Recommendation: Stay far away form this suburb. Due mostly to the danger and rising property tax, even many people in the town have chosen to leave by volunteering for the Terra Venture Space Colony, because apparently, life traveling in the airless void of space is much less dangerous than actually living in Angel Grove.
4. New York, New York
Neighborhood Type: City
Crime Rates: Supervillian
Schools Systems: Poor to average
Public Health/Safety: Poor in the 80's
Diversity: High
Strangeness: Mostly in Manhattan
Fictional New York is a major metropolitan hub of global economy, culture, and 5th Avenue shopping, but there are many dangers to living on its streets. In a general sense, it is always under the threat of destruction, whether it be by weather, Mayan prophecy, Will Smith hating aliens, Will Smith hating Zompires, Godzilla, and even by JJ Abrams that one time. However, potentially world-ending events aside, even day to day life can be difficult in the big city. New York public schools systems are usually underfunded and suffer from massive overcrowding. The crime rate (though better now than it was in the 80's after Mayor Giuliani had all those homeless people killed) is still frighteningly high. Even all the dedicated New York City police officers, detectives, and district attorneys (who prosecute the offenders) can do very little to stem the tide of crime, especially with the prominent rise of fictional sex crimes that has taken place over the last fourteen seasons.
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| In New York this is called a Thursday. |
Though the supernatural is very rarely a factor, there was a rash of near cataclysmic ghost incidents back in the late 80's, but many reports still claim that they were nothing more than hoaxes perpetrated by four con-men. Rumors persist that such events could begin to happen again, but they never seem to prove true. The city also has an unusually high problem with ninjas, whose ranks are recruited either from disenfranchised city youths or from robots created in a secret underground spherical base, reports vary. However, the real problem that faces New Yorkers, and often bottlenecks traffic, are mutants and genetically altered humans. Some look like giant animals, other run around in spandex, but most mean high property damage and a dangerous living environment. Though some superhumans prove to be heroes, much like the Avengers and to a lesser extent the Watchmen, most just prove to be dangerous psychopaths hellbent on crime and destruction. Even New York's own hometown web-slinging hero has had a long and sordid history as both villain and hero, especially in the pages of one of New York's major papers, The Daily Bugle. Superhuman related events have become so common in New York that most veterans barely flinch anymore when alien hordes ascend from the sky or demonic creatures rise from the streets. Certainly a daylight bank robbery by some guy who has the power to turn his body to sand is a minor event in any experienced city dweller, still the dangers are real.
Our Recommendation: If at all possible avoid New York City. Many of the described events, both minor and major, cause loss of life, property damage, and worst of all traffic snarls, because really there is nothing more frustrating than traffic in New York. On the other hand, the subway system is usually reliable, unless there is some kind of weird alien-worm-thing blocking the tracks, but even then you just have to wait for the sanitation workers in black suits to clean it up... I think I am remembering that right...
3. Gotham City, New Jersey
Neighborhood Type: City
Crime Rates: Extremely high
Schools Systems: Poor to average
Public Health/Safety: Average
Diversity: High
Strangeness: Riddle me this...
Even more than New York City, Gotham City is riddled with crime and rampant police corruption. The nights tend to be dark, the crimes heinous, and the architecture art deco, though there was a brief moment in the 90's when the city went through an odd neon/black-light phase. The city is split among six islands, and had a population of over 8 million people, before the events of the 7.6 earthquake that was known as the Cataclysm. The city's population currently hovers at little a less than 3 million. More disturbingly, it was not the earthquake itself that effectively cut the city's population in more than half, but the ensuing chaos of being cut-off from the rest of the world. This brings us to our next point, crime and supervillany run rampant in the city of Gotham. Even the Batman can only ever stem the tide and deal with the worst of it on any given day. Criminals like the Joker, Two-Face, and Killer Croc kill indiscriminately while crime lords like Black Mask and the Roman fight endless over territory and product.
Gotham City is a nightmare built of metal and stone. Many people attribute this to different things. Some say that it is due to Gotham's failing school systems, or their rampant gang problems, and some even blame the fact that there is an evil undead sorcerer that was buried beneath the main island for hundreds of years. However, we do not want to short-sell Gotham as it is still a major metropolitan hub of activity, commerce, fashion, and industry located on the eastern seaboard of the United States. It is an incredibly important city, with some good areas and is the home of many of our country's major businesses such as Powers Industry, Wayne Enterprises, and even several major divisions of Lexcorp. There was also a time during the late 60's when Gotham went through a revival that was so wholesome it was almost too campy to deal with, but that was short-lived. In modern times, the danger of walking the streets knows no social stratification, as in a now famous incident, prominent Gotham socialites and philanthropists Thomas and Martha Wayne were murdered in a petty mugging attempt. No one is truly safe.
Our Recommendation: If you have a choice in cities chose a much safer one, such as Center City or even Gotham's cleaner and more modern cousin, Metropolis, Delaware. Gotham is like a magnet for crazy people dressed in costumes with a penchant for mind games and deep emotional angst. It takes a special type of person to chose to live among that kind of atmosphere.
2. Sunnydale, California
Neighborhood Type: Small town/city
Crime Rates: Unexplainable
Schools Systems: Average
Public Health/Safety: Poor to average
Diversity: Low to average
Strangeness: Most nights except Halloween
Sunnydale is an enigma wrapped in a nightmare. The town sports an unexplainable high number of cemeteries and churches, twelve and forty-three, respectively. The cemeteries are especially odd, as they seem to be so busy that services often take place at night to fill the high demand for burials. Education wise the town has a large high school, a small private college, and a campus of the University of California. Student safety is a major factor in the town, as Sunnydale High School itself has been completely and/or nearly destroyed on several occasions. Yet, all of this pales in comparison to the true dangers of Sunnydale, unexplainable disappearances.
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| Urban development. |
Between 1997 and 2002 the town's population of 38,500 dropped to around 32,900, when most other comparable towns saw only a rise in population during that same time period. The town records are filled with reports of people who just disappear, including many prominent ones, such as the mayor and the high school principal. Murder victims (when reports are not suppressed by the police) are often a regular problem with many being found mutilated or with strange bite marks on their necks. In fact, magic seems to be a persistent problem as there are even reports of witches living among the town. One of the most successful business in town is the town's magic shop. Many point to Sunnydale's founding as the beginning of this curse, as the land had once belonged to the Navajo and Chumash tribes.
Our Recommendation: Ever since the town was destroyed, mysteriously, back in 2003, the point would seem moot, but there has always been talk about rebuilding and rebooting the town in one fashion or another. If this is ever the case, we recommend that you stay away. There are too many unexplained events and disappearances that seem statistically reasonable for such a small town. It's almost as if the town were situated on top of some kind of hot spot, like the mouth of hell itself.
1. Cabot Cove, Maine
Neighborhood Type: Small town
Crime Rates: Unreasonable
Schools Systems: Average
Public Health/Safety: Average
Diversity: Low
Strangeness: Something in the water
About 22 miles North of Portland is Cabot Cove a small, quiet fishing village that has a higher per-capita murder rate than Honduras. In 1986, the town's population was 3,560 people, Between that year and 1996 there were 274 recorded killings in town, and unlike the major deaths of Gotham, New York, London, etc, they were not caused by some cataclysmic event. During that 12 year time span the town lost about 8% of its population to murder. Granted, 14% of Sunnydale's population dropped in a much shorter time span, but those were due not only to disappearances/murders, but also to natural death and many residents fleeing the town. No one in Cabot Cover ever had that good of a sense. The numbers for Cabot Cove are strictly attributed to murders.
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| The home of a local author and the only real justice the damn town has. |
That means, that if you live in Cabot Cove you have about a 1 in 12.5 chance of being killed, but that is not the end of the nefariousness. Most of the astronomical number of murders that are committed in Cabot Cove are not done by drifters or wandering serial killers, but by ordinary town residents. Additionally, the ineptitude of the town's police force does little to instill confidence, as in most recorded cases the town's sheriff is on record as having accused and jailed the wrong person before the actual murderer was ever discovered, usually by a lone female crime novelist. What this really means, is if you live in Cabot Cove, you have about a 1 in 4 chance of being either murdered, being a murderer, or being wrongly accused of murder. It is only speculation, but it is very possible that the town has become so isolated that it has, in fact, developed a subculture where murder is just the preferred solution to every problem, much like a medieval fiefdom. (Late on the rent: murder. Failure to leash you pet: murder. Loitering: murder-suicide.) Even the town's founder, Winfred Cabot was killed in a murder, as if somehow setting the tone of what was to come.
Our Recommendations: More than any other location on this list, it cannot be stressed enough that this beautiful New England fishing village must be avoided at all costs. In fact, all of Maine is probably best avoided, as there seems to be a real problem with formulaic murders taking place in many small towns within the state's borders. Yet, more than any of them, Cabot Cove is a dangerous and diseased place kept in check only through the efforts of one woman, a mystery writer by the name of Jessica Fletcher, and currently she is 86 years old, (which in Cabot Cove years must make her like their Gandalf.) Once she does eventually succumb to her age, (or more likely a petty dispute over the price of milk that results in being elaborately stabbed by a shop clerk) that town will have nothing standing between it and anarchy.
