One of the newest trailers causing a buzz on the Intra-Webs is the new Fantastic Four trailer. For better or worse it is Fox's next attempt at desperately clawing onto franchises that they don't want returned to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, (because money.) The studio has decided to go a different route than the last two movies about the First Family of Marvel, but say what you will about those movies at least they didn't try to take themselves too seriously. Unfortunately, the new trailer hit every dark and stereotypical note
that you would expect from a Post-Nolan gritty dark reboot, but does
that mean its better?
So, occasionally, I do certain things in my life and just let my mind wander as I write down the thoughts as they come to me. When that happens all my streams of consciousness pool together and basically result in gibberish. This is one of those times... Enjoy.
Okay. So the first shot... obligatory Marvel title script. That's almost makes me think this is going to be a superhero movie. I wish the Fantastic Four were just a part of the MCU. All I want is Reed Richards in Civil War... Oh... There are wide sweeping shots of a city, a mountain range, all while a voice-over plays talks about human beings and discovery... Is there like a formula laying around in some Hollywood executive's office about how to make generic trailers?.. Do we all need to do gritty Dark Knight reboots... Am I going to hear the Inception noise in this trailer?... The shot pans up to the stars above a small town before quickly switching to a fast moving car moving through some sort of Kansas wheat field... Am I watching Superman again?... or is Matthew McConaughey going to be in this movie. "I was driving a Lincoln through a wormhole before I was paid to do it, and I mean that literally. There are many factors of time dilation involved." Anyway, so now it's a shot of some kids in that same small town working on some kind of experiment and the narrator very purposely says "invent..." because everyone in the movie going audience is thinking... I wonder if Reed Richards was ever a fat kid in Kansas. This movie looks less like a superhero movie and more like kind of movie whee a kid learns an adolescent lesson through fantastical events, like ET or The Shining. Actually that kind of movie sounds more fun. Maybe the movie is about a small boy growing up in a small town, trying to prove himself to his overbearing and drunk father figure. He's the brainy type, but his father, an ex-college football star, only understands sports and athleticism. Then he invents a machine for his science project to prove himself, but that machine winds up being some kind of receiver for alien transmissions... Boo-ya... this could be Oscar gold... Okay, Okay, I need to keep going. Now we have astronauts getting into tube-things... blah blah origin story... but what if that kid in the previous scene picked up alien transmissions and they told humanity how to build some sort of machine which will allow us to meet the Aliens... It's like Contact.... which also had McConaughey in it. "Sometimes when driving a Lincoln you have to go back to meet alien beings. They should have sent a poet." And for some reason we need to know that it is done by the same people as X-Men: Days of Future Past... From the man who once brought a glass of water to Christopher Nolan... Anyway, now we get some generic military officers looking at a generic screen... actually they aren't looking at the screen. They are looking away from a screen of moving images... for some reason... I mean they are obviously in some sort of briefing. Why aren't they looking at the things they are getting briefed on?..So what if the aliens that humanity contacts turn out to be not friendly. Maybe they unleash a weapon, instead. What if their weapon paralyzes people. That's why those Pentagon officials aren't moving. Obviously they would be the first people targeted by this weapon. The presentation going on behind them must just be on auto-loop... Stop getting distracted... Okay. So now we have Mark Zuckerberg walking through an auto parts factory. Susan Storm wearing headphones... while watching dots moving around a digital map. Then a kid playing baseball, probably Benjamin Grimm, and finally Johnny Storm fixing a car.... I'm going to try not to think about how Johnny is black and Susan white, or why they felt the need to do that, because if I think of anything accidentally racist I may be forced to write it down... But I just don't get why they couldn't have cast two African American actors instead of one. I have no problem with Johnny being black, but then make Susan black too... Why do we need some sort of convoluted adoption plot-line to mask the fact that we included a token minority. If anything that seems even more racist than just casting four white actors... Also, I like how the movie show them all doing typical "American" things. I'm surprised Sue wasn't baking an apple pie. I like the narrator though hitting those notes of "generations" and "responsibility?"... They are all very much just kids. I think I remember reading a comic book once about a group of four people with powers who would save the world on occasion... Fantasy Four? Fantastic Fourteen? Something like that... but they were much older. They were actual adults. I means these four are just kids, so there is no way they are like those other older people... Back to shots of the spacesuits getting into that machine and then there is a concerned look on that one older man's face. Everything is about to go wrong... Maybe now the aliens true plot will be revealed. Humanity knows its in trouble... Typical destruction scenes, military officials walking through a hall, and somewhere a plane exists as it flies over a mountain scene. There are people looking surprised. We see Mark Zuckerberg again. Then we see a piece of rock explode and it looks like something moves... Sigh... Bring back Michael Chiklis... He really wants to play a superhero... I feel bad for him... Okay, so what if that's not the Thing but one of the aliens coming to Earth to invade?.. Stop getting distracted by movies you make up in your head... More scenes of destruction, and then the narrator says "consequences," in that deep throaty voice and then that guy is on fire... What if all the aliens take on elements of our planet, like Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart... Maybe that's why they need to come to Earth to use our natural resources to power their own physiologies... Bonus it could also be an allegory for Global Warming, which would only be slightly less subtle than Keanu Reeves facial expressions in Day After Tomorrow... Then there is an explosion in New York, and we see the astronauts
climbing up a mountain, while a very strange noise happens in the
background... It's not quite "Bwahhhhh!" but it's not too far off either... Also this movie really loves mountains... People explode in a hallway as a shadowy figure approaches them... Maybe it could be an alien with electrical powers... Then back to Johnny Storm, then more establishing shots with background of wierd desolate landscape... the negative zone... Or maybe it is Earth all along... "Damn you you dirty apes!"... So the aliens come to Earth to drink up all our resources, but in the process they drain the planet of them. That would leave Earth looking a lot like that hellscape of mountains and possibly lava (for effect), which would explain the suits. Maybe humanity needs to
create special suits to survive this radical terraforming process... Oh, Mark Zuckenberg is really reaching for something there. Maybe its a glass of water, or maybe its the switch that will finally
destroy the aliens and save the planet, or maybe its just the 'Like'
button on his Facebook wall. Who knows?... There is the logo, which I still don't understand Fant 4stic? Fant for
Stick?.. Now some actual generic dialogue that warns Mark Zuckerberg to
beware of what is coming... if only he was talking about an alien invasion of resource sucking aliens... So the guy on the gurney was one of the original astronauts. Maybe he was on
the first team that they sent to make contact with the aliens... the team that never returned... Maybe the movie would deal with the fourth team to make the attempt... which could explain the confusing title, but they recover this guy on their mission and he knows the truth, but he is half dead, and nobody on Earth is believing him... Or it's a rebooted Doctor Doom in a dark a gritty franchise about a team of superheroes that Fox is desperately trying to hold onto... tomato... Toronto... Now we have the final shot of our four heroes looking at some beam going into the sky... an alien terraformer machine?... probably not... You can barely see them or their costumes. Trailers are like the lingerie of the movie world. They hide all the good stuff, but give you enough of a tease to keep you interested... Also is the Thing not wearing pants?.. So does that mean he doesn't need to wear pants? Did the accident make him have no sexual organs, like some giant cartoon? Or is he just walking around with his boulder swinging in the breeze like some craggy version of Dr. Manhattan?.. I am not excited for this movie at all. It's just going to be another terrible, Incredible Spider-Man 2-like attempt to take advantage of the Marvel name. Fox should just give up and release the rights... I'd pay ten dollars to see that happen... I bet a lot of people would, and it would still be cheaper than going to see this generic gritty reboot... This kind of movie needs to really go away... Like Matthew McConaughey...
"Oh thanks man, the truth is I spend at least 90% of my year going away, exploring exotic places, having sex with my beautiful girlfriend, just doing sit-ups, I mean that really... and then counting money. The money that I made off my terrible films I put out into the American populous because they just love to see me doing what it is that I do."... 'Contact' They didn't even need you in that movie, they could have done the whole movie without you... "I know, I know I said the same thing, but they were just like - Oh we need a good looking guy with a great ass and some tight abs to provide some down home enthusiasm to this picture. Something to counter balance Jodie Foster, they took her to be slightly cold, uh unapproachable so they put me in there. I said it didn't make any sense. Said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie but they said well the audience needs you."...You make me physically sick to my stomach and I wish you that would get a heart attack.... "I totally feel you man, the truth of the matter is I don't like my movies either but man they keep offering me money and I do it and I get to around the world, I mean did you see 'Sahara'. I'll tell you what that movie gave me, was the opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time."...
That was weird... in conclusion... I will probably wind up going to see this movie.
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