December 12, 2013

Ten People Who Saved Christmas

Since the holiday's inception nearly two thousand years ago many people over the ages have answered the sacred call to "save Christmas." In fact it has become somewhat of a holiday tradition to endanger the Yuletide season. Some of the people that have stepped up to the plate have been notable heroes while others just mere boys and girls. Sometimes Christmas has been saved in big ways, while sometimes it is done through small meaningful gestures. This list is in no particular order, and is arranged with no particular criteria, other than that I remember these adventures fondly. Sure, they are cheesy and predictable, but tis the season... So come with me now and honor those who gave so much for a holiday that means so much to so many people.

Honorable Mentions: Jack Skellington, KISS, a little boy with a drum, The Grinch, Timmy Turner, The Powerpuff Girls, Jesus, Batman, Jimmy Neutron, Sonic the Hedgehog, Super Mario, Space Ghost, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Stephen Colbert (saved it for himself,) Batman (deserves two mentions), John McClane, the Power Rangers, and Santa Claus.

Bender B. Rodriguez (FUTURAMA)
In all fairness, Bender helped saved Xmas, then helped destroy it all over again, or vice versa, depending on how you want to look at it. When the Planet Express crew traps the killer Santa robot of the future in the ice of Pluto, Bender volunteers to restore the good name of Kris Kringle, and promptly dumps the majority of his toys down the sewer, to the offense of the Sewer Mutants. After some alcoholism and a police arrest, Bender is broken out of death row by the escaped Santa robot and is recruited to help him fulfill his Yuletide night of terror, thus saving Xmas, or destroying it... or something.
Episode: S03E03 A Tale of Two Santas
Best Quote: "The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!"

Ernest P. Worell (ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS)
Ernest is like Tyler Perry for rednecks. The befuddled titular character is taxi driver often suffering from delusions of grandeur. He gets a fare to bring Santa Claus to Orlando, Florida, so that he can track down his replacement. Santa has run out of magic and has none left for the next Christmas season. His successor is meant to replace him, but shenanigans ensue, and the appearance of some baddies mixed with Santa's unreliable memory quickly crashes the plan. Dimwitted Ernest soon becomes Santa's only hope, and along with a young runaway Ernest must save the holiday before it is too late.
Episode: Ernest Saves Christmas
Best Quote "Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can."

The Doctor (DOCTOR WHO)
The Doctor has saved Christmas so many times it's barely worth mentioning anymore. He has saved the holiday from invading aliens, a crashing space Titanic, malicious snowmen, and even from sadness for one family in the 1940's. He has saved it in the future and in the past. He has saved it here, there, and everywhere. You could almost say that in a lot of ways we shouldn't be so worried if Santa is going to show up on December 25th, but the Doctor... because as the BBC often shows, we would be kind of screwed if he didn't
Episode: Any Doctor Who Christmas Special
Best Quote: "Ah. Yes. Blimey. Sorry! Christmas Eve on a rooftop. Saw a chimney, my whole brain just went 'What the hell!'"

GI Joe (GI JOE)
Almost all 1980's cartoons have a claim to saving Christmas in one form or another. In fact in the 80's and 90's it seemed that Santa and his holiday were perpetually in danger from evil wizards, giant robots, and all sort of villainous plots, but no story epitomizes that idea better than the time Cobra, the evil terrorist organization bent on ruling the world, released toys into the GI Joe compound that contained miniature cobra soldiers. They then take control of the base and the Joe's vehicles and use them to attack an American city just as the GI Joe's were delivering toys for needy children. Thanks in no small part to Polly, Shipwreck's parrot, who was enlarged to monstrous proportions, the Joes are able to take back their base and defeat the grinchly Cobras in time to save Christmas for small-town America, and Shipwreck learns the meaning of the holiday.
Episode: S01E39 Cobra C.L.A.W.S. are Coming to Town
Best Quote: "Shucks. We could beat them Cobra owl hoots flyin' cardboard boxes."
  
Ghostbusters (THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS)
Unlike other 80's cartoons at the time the Ghostbusters took a different approach to the holiday, time travel. Egon, Peter, Winston, and Ray stumble through a wrinkle in time and wind up in Victorian England where they mistakenly rid Ebeneezer Scrooge of his haunting spirits and return to the present, realizing that they changed Christmas forever. Thus, they must travel back in time to impersonate the various ghosts and teach Scrooge (and by proxy Peter) the meaning of the holiday season.
Episode: S01E13 Xmas Marks the Spot
Best Quote: "It’s not my fault! I told her to keep her cat out of the way. It’s not like the fur won’t grow back or anything."

Superman (SUPERMAN)
Superman has saved everything from Lois Lane to the Universe, but in this Golden Age adventure, the Man of Steel finds himself saving Christmas from two villains named Mister Meany, and Doctor Grouch. Disgruntled at Santa's philanthropy (for reasons never fully explained) these two old men proceed to try and convince Santa to give up his ways. When that doesn't work they leave the North Pole, head to Metropolis, and decide to trash the Daily Planet's Christmas Toy Drive, because you know... villainy... The toys are saved by Superman, but then the villains return to the North Pole to try and kidnap the reindeer (in hindsight Metropolis seemed like an unnecessary stop,) they are prevented form doing so by Superman, but manage to gas the beasts, putting them to sleep, and thus it is up to Superman to fly Santa around on Christmas Eve... Also Lois gets kidnapped (twice), but Superman is so unfazed by this normal occurrence that he helps Santa deliver toys first before rescuing her. Santa gives gifts to the two villains who immediately learn the meaning of Christmas, and (as a B plot-line) Superman teaches a rich kid the meaning of giving presents on Christmas.
Episode: c.1940 Superman's Christmas Adventure
Best Quote: "Calling Superman --Santa Claus Calling-- need your help desperately!"

Dib (INVADER ZIM)
Told by a robot snowman living in a protective dome two million years in the future, we learn that the alien invader, Zim, is up to his old tricks. After abducting and interrogating a mall Santa, Zim builds a robotic Santa suit for himself that he uses to enslave the human race and force them to build a massive teleporter. The only one who realizes what is going on is Zim's next door neighbor, Dib, who attempts to stop him and is immediately thrown into Jingle Jail at the order of the new supreme ruler of the human race, Santa (aka Zim.) However, the robot suit has a mind of its own and slowly begins taking control from Zim, enhanced in power when it comes into contact with anything "Christmas-y." Eventually Dib is broken out of jail and must use his father's Anti-Santa arsenal to battle an out of control Santa mutant (as Zim is no longer in control.) Together they banish the creature to space, and Zim dressed as the Easter Platypus has the crowd blame Dib for killing Santa. We learn from our story's teller that the Santa suit was not destroyed but now returns every year to attack Earth, thus why they live in protective domes.
Episode: S01E27 The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever
Best Quote: "That's the story of the most horrible Christmas ever! But Zim and Dib were wrong that day! Santa wasn't destroyed. Santa lives on. [Child: In the hearts and minds of us all?] No! In space! Gathering power! And every Christmas he returns to Earth."

The X-Men (X-MEN
All the X-Men are at the mansion preparing for Christmas, with Jean and Gambit cooking, Beast working in the lab, and Rogue, Cyclops, and all the rest decorating the tree. Professor X and Storm watch on lovingly and Wolverine acts disgruntled. Jubilee is overly excited, this being her first Christmas with the X-Men, so she begs Wolverine to come with her and Storm on a last minute shopping trip in hopes of cheering him up. However, the trip is interrupted when Storm learns that Leech, one of the Morlocks, has fallen ill and the three rush to save him. Wolverine transfuses his own blood, Beast and Rogue are called in to help, and Jubilee meets a a young Morlock girl who shows them their meager Christmas meal and small sickly tree. Leech is eventually cured and the X-Men have dinner with the Morlocks, giving them all the presents they had just purchased.
Episode: S04E12 Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas.
Best Quote: "Kid, the day you catch me singing Jingle Bells is the day pigs fly"

Earthworm Jim (EARTHWORM JIM)
Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Stinky, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-For-A-Butt, through TV, learns about Santa Claus and his power. Meanwhile, Jim and his friends are visiting the mall to meet the mall Santa Claus. Jim asks for a pony, but is interrupted when the mall Santa receives a distress calls from the real Santa through his beard. Jim, Peter Puppy, and Princess What's-Her-Name head to the North Pole to help. They find that Santa is gone. They track him to the Personifications of Abstract Concepts Club, but only find a disgruntled red-nosed reindeer. Meanwhile, the Queen tortures Santa and eventually implants a chip in his head that turns him evil, (and convinces him that Adam West was a better Batman than Val Kilmer.) The two then head to a typical Earth home to begin implanting the chips in all the children of the world, but find only Jim and company. A battle ensues and Jim pleads with Santa not to be evil. Moved by his words, the chip burns out and Santa is returned to normal. He also reveals that he is really a Norse God and then proceeds to beat the hell out of Queen Slug-For-A-Butt, and save Christmas. On Christmas morning Jim gets the pony he asked for and is flattened by a cow in a fruitcake.
Episode: S02E10 For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll
Best Quote: "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus... and he kicks butt!"

Chuck Norris (THE INTERNET)
Chuck Norris actually saves Christmas every year, for if he didn't the Christmas Demon Krampus would arise and devour the world. Chuck Norris once went back in time and haunted Ebeneezer Scrooge as the Ghost of Christmas Roundhouse Kicks. The only reason Christmas is a silent night is because Chuck Norris kills without a sound. Santa is always watching you, but Chuck Norris just knows if you've been bad or good. The magic hat that brought Frosty to life, used to belong to Chuck Norris. Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris has made another angel. All Chuck Norris wants for Christmas is your two front teeth. The Grinch stole Christmas, then Chuck Norris kicked him so hard his heart grew three sizes that day... and exploded. When Rudolph is sick, Chuck volunteers to light Santa's way with his glowing red beard. Chuck Norris once lassoed the moon for a girl, that was how tides were created. Chuck Norris' two favorite gifts to give on Christmas are pain and justice.
Episode: The Internet
Best Quote: "The quickest way to a man's heart on Christmas? Chuck Norris' fist."


Happy Holidays


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