Twilight According to a Confused Nerd

"Even despite the fact that I have lived for a hundred years and

experienced a century worth of art and literature and history.

I mean I have seen parts of the world a girl from the backwoods

of Washington State couldn't even dream of, but sure I still love

you, even though all you want to do is talk about is what 

happened on Gossip Girls last night."

 

I'm usually not one to discriminate against anything, but I just don't get people's fascination with Twilight (and by people I mean women.) The hype rises to a fever pitch tomorrow as the final installment of the movie series, Breaking Dawn: Part II, is released in theaters. I have never read the books, I have only seen the first movie (under duress and because my date was attractive,) and I have heard bits and pieces throughout the years. So with that said I present to you a summary of the Twilight series as I understand it, (Spoiler: It's about statutory rape):

Somewhere near Seattle (Starbucks and Vampires on every corner) an angsty girl named Bella, who possesses a unique ability to only ever convey one facial expression, meets an attractive boy. The boy ignores her so, of course, she falls for him like how my dog falls for that trick when she thinks I threw the ball, but it's still in my hand. Meanwhile her friend, the equally attractive (yet oddly unnoticed) Native American boy, Fredrick (close enough), pines for her in secret. Also I think Freddie Prinze Jr. falls in love with him, cuts his hair, and transforms him into the prom queen... or am I thinking of something else... Anyway back to the emotionless whiny Bella. She finds out that the really pale guy, Edward, is actually a vampire that sparkles like a drunken Elton John, (which is really ridiculous. Everyone knows that vampires burn-up when they touch direct sunlight, and it is because of that weakness I am not living in a vampire dominated penal colony by now. If in fact, you take away that fatal weakness and replace it with the ability to become a shiny object, as lame and shaming of a weakness as that is, you no longer have a valid excuse for why vampires are not currently enslaving the human race, like how we enslaved cows after the War of 1812. In fact, the war between humans and vampire would be even quicker because humans would be too busy laughing their asses off to actually pick up their weapons and fight. Really this book should have been about a sparkling vampire who works as a guard at one of the many human cattle farms, and inadvertently falls for one of the breeder-girls... Now that would be 50 Shades of Awesome.)

So as our story continues, we learn that Bella does not do the sensible thing and slay the hell out of her angsty-brooding emo crush, instead she falls for old Eddy even more. At this point in the story you would assume she is just asking to be killed and drained of her life's blood by her new boyfriend, but instead, he falls for her too, and they start dating. This of course, is completely against her father's wishes, as he is an old school, nose-to-the-grind stone New York detective who is against dancing, and the vampire is forced to win the Bella's heart by teaching her to let go of her inhibitions and dance like she has never danced before... also I think at one point he teachers her to shape clay on one of those spinning wheel-things or something... I'm sure I'm thinking of the right movie... (Secondly, their relationship is completely against the law, and I'm not talking about some obscure 18th century discrimination law about dating the undead. I am talking about the very real laws set down by the United Stated government against statutory rape. The girl is 16 years old, for Dracula's sake, and though the vampire looks the same age Eddy is very much not 16. He is literally hundreds of years older than Bella. I mean they make a point in the story of saying how many times he freaking graduated from high school. Laws against statutory rape were established to protect young and innocent children from being taken advantage of by adults who have more life experience and knowledge of the world, because older people, like Eddy, can totally use that adult knowledge to manipulate younger people into... oh I don't know... falling in love with them... uh... having sex with them... or turning them into vampires.)

For the love of God, put on a damn
shirt. It's freakin raining out... also
I have a crippling inferiority complex. 

Now going back to the Fredrick, our Native America friend, he subsequently learns that he can turn into a really bad CGI wolf... which is kind of cool until said wolf tries to hump your leg... which I think he does frequently to Bella. This transformation leads to some kind of sexual tension between the three of them now, (or as much sexual tension as can exist between a wolf, a vampire, and a girl who can't express normal human emotions in any way.) Also Eddy and Bella have some kind of weird on-again off-again relationship going on, which makes them a less interesting version of Ross and Rachael (and really I thought Ross and Rachael were pretty uninteresting to begin with.) It also makes them exactly like every other teenage couple that ever existed, but some more things also happen. At some point Bad Vampires show-up, (because apparently Eddy and his kind are the Good Vampires,) and there are a few half-enthusiastic fight scenes (you know cause that will pull in the 18-35 male demographic,) people die, people live, people wish they were dead (mostly the audience), and it pretty much drags on like that for several movies. (Personally, I think I am routing for the Bad Vampires, because even though they sparkle they at least do something other then whine and look like they spend every moment in their room listening to Good Charlotte over and over again... Personally, if I was a vampire I think I'd just buy a pig farm and milk them for blood. then at night I would totally put on a costume and run around a nearby city as a dark and brooding anti-hero that fights for justice... I could be The Darkish Knight.)

From this point forward things get weird... like "zombie cats dancing the can-can" weird, toward the end of the story Snape kills Dumbledore... and I mean that as a euphemism for the fact that Bella and Eddy totally do it. At some point he also turns her from a girl who is incapable of facial expression to a vampire who is incapable of facial expression. So, happily ever after? No, because then they have a demon child, (I'm going to call her Gorgon) who is half human/half vampire. Apparently that means this thing has the ability to talk in full sentences almost from day one of her birth, also Gorgon is capable of walking, lifting tractors off of old men in Kansas, tormenting your sleeping dreams, and generally freaking everyone the frak out. You know that dancing baby meme on the Internet... well she killed that child and now wears his ears on a necklace... Wait there is more... Fredrick, the werewolf, falls in love with baby Gorgon. (Now if you didn't quite believe me that this was a story about statutory rape, I don't think I can make it any clearer than that.) Also the trailer for the newest movie seems to indicate there is some kind of heroic end-battle, but ultimately I don't care. Once you go demon-child on a story all other details tend to become irrelevant.

The End...

So what is the moral of this story?... No really I'm asking. That was not a rhetorical question, because as far as I can figure there is no good moral of this story. For girls the moral seems to be, "Hey ladies, you know that dark brooding guy in class who refuses to talk to you and treats you like you don't exist. It's okay, because I'm sure he's not a drug dealer, he's just a vampire. The more you love him, regardless of how many times he pushes you away or endangers your life, it will be okay. He'll totally love you back and not at all take advantage of you in a windowless van with a secret camera recording it all, or anything like that. As long as you believe him, and absolutely refuse to take any or all action to help yourself, he will always come to your rescue and transform you into something as dark and horrible as he is... Also your children will be the spawn of Satan." Whereas for guys the moral is a bit more straightforward, "Hey guys, give up now, because even if you are a ripped Native America warrior that can transform himself into a wolf, and who is a genuinely nice guy that cares about that girl you are pining for, you will never be able to compete with Edward Cullen and the expectations he has now established her mind." (Side Moral: If you happen to be a hundred year old vampire who looks sixteen, go back to high school and totally trick sixteen year old girls into having sex with you.)
 

A Part of My Hair

Right-Side Part = Awkward; Left-Side Part = Superhero

What does a haircut say about a person? Maybe more than you realize. There is no doubt that a person's choice in hair reflects how they are seen, or how they wish to be seen, (just ask the cast of the Jersey Shore,) but is there a deeper psychological aspect to our doo? Is your hair messy because you just can't be bothered, or are you so vain that you have invested in a hairmut? (It has extra room so you don't mess up your hair-doo.) How does hair affect our patterns of behavior overtime? Is it an influencing factor? I will explain what I mean, but let me start this off by saying that I hate my hair.

It drys out like straw the minute it touches natural or unnatural light (or even a light shade,) and its incredibly hard to manage let alone settle on a style that fits my rather plain and rounded face. If I had a nicer shaped head I would consider going bald, but let's face it, the only kind of white guys who can get away with a shaved head are people in the military or people who have a penchant for burning religious artifacts on other people's lawns. The best style I can usually manage is a half-hearted middle-part that follows the natural contours of my head, but it's far from a perfect solution. On some days when it gets too dry, it makes me look like a carrot. On other days, I sort of look like Wolverine. Sometimes it even turns into a weird Egon Spengler look (The old cartoon, not Harold Ramis.) When it gets long, bed-head or hat-hair often gets too hard to comb out or shake down, and I am forced to just settle for a hat, which I do frequently. Worst yet, my nondescript haircut tends to be up for grabs at the whim of any barber I sit down in front of. I try to explain to them what I want, but in the end, my hair just kind of turns out to be a Picasso painting... In other words, it's usually just left up to everyone's own interpretation.

The many moods of my hair.

For the most part I have resigned myself to my hairy fate, but during the summer I found myself attending a superhero costume party at a bar in my local area. Going as Clark Kent/Superman I took a cue from Christopher Reeves' Superman and moved my part to the left side of my head. When I looked in the mirror, I was surprised to see that I liked what I saw, (which is a rare enough occasion in my life.) The style stayed for the night, with the help of some heavy gel, but getting the left side part to happen naturally has been a process and a battle of less-than-epic proportions. Several months later I now think I have finally maneuvered my follicles into place, and no one has noticed. Now this is not really a problem for me, after all I do not want you to think I'm vain (I am vain, but I don't want you to think that it.) It's only hair right?

Well during my research for my new style, I found one very interesting theory on the Man of Steels' doo (that sounds dirty). In the Christopher Reeves incarnation, Clark Kent has a part of the right side of his head, but Superman has his hair parted on the left side of his head. This of course raises questions of whether Superman carries gel and a comb with him everywhere he goes or does he just use his super breath to freeze it in place? (We may never know what goes on in that phone booth.) We must also ask, how different are the two hair styles.

While researching my superhero haircut, (which sounds like the name of an awesome barber shop I wish existed,) I came across the Hair Part Theory, created by John and Catherine Walter. It is a particularly weird and interesting theory of social interaction that simply states: The way a person parts their hair is related to many subconscious associations when assessed by others. Each hair part type initiates cycles of behavior toward, and response from, the individual. Over time, these cycles affect personality development, perpetuating a system of cumulative and interactional continuity.

Men who part their hair on the right-side (like Clark Kent) have an unnatural and awkward look. The right-side part is said to lead to an unusual appearance, even social shunning. One example given of a right-side part is Al Gore. On the other hand, the left-side hair part (like Superman) is considered more natural. Men with a left-side part are supposed to be seen as being strong, traditional, and successful. Some examples given are John Wayne and John F. Kennedy. The theory also states that men with a center-part (like my old haircut) are perceived by others to be natural, wise, and trustworthy, but also a bit boring... The theory also goes on to talk about the effect of a mirror on the appearance of a hair-part and to talk about how it is possible that by parting your hair one way or another can reflect which side of your brain you are choosing to emphasis. It gets surprisingly in-depth and there is even a hair-part blog that people can follow. Personally, I don't know how convinced I am of the complete rightness of the theory, but it is enough to make a guy pause a moment in his mirror in the morning.

At the heart of the theory is the notion that, how we portray ourselves (specifically through our hair choices) is reinforced by society and reflected back at us. We become caught in a cycle of society and self. For instance, if I walk around in a police uniform, society may think I am a cop and treat me accordingly. The more that happens, the more I may feel like a police officer and the more I will reinforce that belief through my actions... and that was how I wound up on probation that one time... but really this is nothing new, right? Women change their hair every week to impress people, but it's more than that. The Walters' theory states that we choose the hair based upon an unconscious need to showcase some aspect of our personalities. Thus, Clark Kent's right-side part is putting a more negative and awkward vibe and we see that reflected by society. Whereas, Superman is putting out a more positive and stronger vibe with his right-side parted hair and it is also reflected back at him by society.

New hair style. (Vain? Me? Nah...)

So really, what does this all mean about me? Am I subconsciously trying to trick people into thinking I am something I am not? Am I just portraying an aspect of my personality that has been buried and hidden all this time? Have I finally transformed into the person I have always wanted to become? Or did I just choose a different hair style after more than fifteen years of wearing the same old one? I suppose that is up to interpretation. Ultimately, any way we dress, look, style, etc affects how we are perceived and is most likely driven by some need to be seen in a certain way. Yet, I cannot believe that is the end-all and be-all of our personalities or our interactions.

Is simply changing the direction of a hair part enough allow Superman to be perceived as two people. Maybe, but there is more to it, (and though I do not agree with a lot of the choices that got made in those older Superman movies, I do have to give Christopher Reeves' props for his portrayal of the Clark Kent/Superman split.) The Superman/Clark Kent split works only because each person in that dichotomy is essentially a different person with their own personalities, traits, and posture. They talk different, look different, and most importantly, act different.

Even the theory itself states that the effects of right-side or left-side part can ultimately be nullified by the personality type of the man wearing it. So really, your appearance is just that, it is how you appear; and hair is nothing more than a filamentous biomaterial, that grows from follicles found in the dermis, according to Wikipedia. Our hair define us as mammals, but maybe it does not define us as individuals. Who you are is comprised of so many more things, and maybe we should all worry less about whether our hair makes us more like Clark Kent or Superman and more about how our actions align us (I'm lawful good). After all, as a friend of mine, Basil, once explained to me, "I keep my hair cut short, I stay shaved, I dress normal, and I let what I do define who I am."

So basically, the moral of this blog... I got a new hair style...

What Sandy Taught Me

Seaside Height and the rest of the Jersey Shore got hit bad...
[Insert your joke here]

It has been a while since I blogged, mostly due to the fact that I was without power for six days. It's been a long week for people in the New York area, and it's not over yet. There are still hundreds of thousands of people in New Jersey and New York without power, trees still litter the roadways causing unsafe driving conditions, and cars are lined up for hours just to get gas. All in all, it has been a surreal experience, especially when you see pictures of places hit hardest along the coasts. However, throughout this whole experience I have learned a few things along the way, and even though they may not be able to help me survive the coming cyborg uprising of 2018, they at least have managed to scare the hell out of me.

Al Gore Was Right, he did invent the Internet. Yet besides that he has been blowing the global warming trumpet louder than that tone-deaf kid in band camp who used to be a drummer but had to be reassigned after he broke two snares and a bass. Though, I still have doubts about whether it is totally a man made problem (or the fact that we will not eventually be able to make it right,) it is kind of hard to deny the existence of global warming. In fact the reason Sandy caused as much trouble as it did, even as a category 1 hurricane, was due to rising sea levels and warmer ocean currents. If you doubt me just check out this article by NPR. And you know its true, because those guys are too boring to make something like this up.



The Sea Levels Are Going to Kill Us All, and by us I mean everyone on the eastern seaboard of America. Calm down Iowa, you're fine. As you can see from the graphic on the left, the dark green points will be underwater if the sea levels rise 1 meter (3 feet), and the light green will be flooded at 2 meters (6 feet). The light blue is gone with nothing more than a gentle wave, and if the sea levels rise by 6 meters or more we might as well start drawing new maps. Large parts of New York City, New Jersey, and pretty much every retirement community in Florida will be underwater.

The Weatherman Was Right, who'd have thunk it. In all seriousness, I am a person who watches the weather than completely ignores what those funny named newscasters tell me, (Rip Storm, Frank Thunder, Marduk, son of Ea, slayer of Tiamat, etc...) Unfortunately, this time they were right. Maybe they should all pack up and go to Vegas, they might be on a roll, also they can't go to Atlantic City... yeah... awkward...

 

When the Apocalypse Comes 40% of the People will Die of Stupidity, and I don't have a follow up joke to this. People who go without power or Internet for a few days start to panic and then calm down and then re-panic. It comes in waves like a Family Guy joke. It's funny at first, grows less funny with time, and is then hysterical again, (and by hysterical I mean how hard that woman was crying the other day in line for food at the supermarket,) and this is only temporary. I have to wonder how many people waiting in line to get gas actually need gas or were just frightened there out of some primal need to sit in a line. For that matter, why didn't these people get gas before the hurricane like they were told to, or why didn't they evacuate when they were told to, or why didn't they do anything they were warned to do. Partially it is not their fault, (Nobody believes Channel 5's Norton "Nor" Easter, anymore.) People who evacuated during Irene saw a mild storm that did nothing to affect their house or belonging, so they stayed this time. They were wrong.

 

Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, nephew. They're
a wonderful, friendly people – as long as their bellies are full
and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature
comforts... deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers... put
their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time... and
those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people will become
as nasty and violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon.

In a real apocalypse that rising tide of panic most people will feel will not ebb or be subsided so easily by calm words from a man in a suit. A wise Ferengi once told me that human beings are fine as long as they are comfortable, but the minute you take away their power and make them stand in a six hour gas line of the bygone-Carter era, there are going to be some troubles. New Yorkers are well known for their generosity in a crisis and that's true... as long as the crisis lasts 48-hours and affects someone else. It turns out losing power for a week or more makes certain people testy. In a real situation, people's panic will most likely persist and grow as they realize their life (as they knew it) is over. No more Heating/AC, no more Facebook or Twitter, and no more indoor plumbing. When that kind of realization strikes a lot of people will get desperate and stupid. They will do desperate and stupid things, and for anyone who has their head on straight you had best make sure you are not some how in the way of that derailed train to doomtown.

 

It is Possible to Read a George R.R. Martin Novel in One Week By Candle Light, in case you were interested in ever trying it. However I did find out that candle light is very weak and hurts the eyes like hell. No wonder so many people in colonial times were forced to wear glasses. Their eye sight was probably horrible. I'm looking at your Benjamin Franklin, you bifocaled bastard.

 

The 44th President shaking hands with the 45th President of
The United States of America.

Learn to Laugh, or you'll never survive. This blog comes about because of my own frustrations over the past few days. I have been a bit punchy being out of work for so long without power or proper heat, and resorting to doing my writing by hand has been interesting (to say the least.) I am very happy to have my computer back and working and I plan on spending the next few hours busily at work with my new novel. Yet throughout the whole ordeal the thing that struck me the most was the general malaise I felt. I would wake up, see that my power was not back on and go to sleep. There wasn't much to do other than cook grilled cheese sandwiches and wait. I think that kind of sloth can make anyone irritable but the best way I foudn to counter that, is by laughing and just staying active. In the end, its really going to be your mental state that will determine how and if you make it through a crisis. So when you pack your survival bag for next time, add a joke book or a mad-lib. It may be the very thing that keeps you sane.


 

The Doubleclicks

As I eluded to in my last blog, I want to introduce you to a new nerd band I discovered while at Rock Comic Con this past month, The Doubleclicks. I would not classify their sound as nerd-rock, so much as I might call it, nerd-folk.  Yet despite the lack of mostly electrical instruments, (they do have a cat-keyboard,) these two sisters put on a show that is funny, thoughtful, and especially entertaining. I found myself laughing and smiling along with the crowd as we were treated to their quirky and catchy style of song writing.
 

Angela Webber, who plucks-out on the guitar, ukulele, (because what other instrument do you expect to hear a folksy/nerd/comedy duet play;) and sings the majority of the vocals, is accompanied by her sister Aubrey Webber (cello/back-up vocals). The two sisters hail from Portland, Oregon, (which is ashame because it seems like the nerd bands I like are all from the northwest coast and very rarely get around the New York City area.) They have an impressive list of credits to their name, having been on stage with some major people like Whil Wheton or Hank Green, (when I say major, I mean major to me.) For more information you can check out their bio.

I caught these two beautiful sisters while in the midst of their tour around the eastcoast and even chatted with them a little after the show. From our small conversation I also learned that Portland Oregon was not the treeless landscape of fields, where people named Tim die of dysentery, (or where one kills 450 pounds of buffalo meat only to discover that you can only carry 6 pounds back to your wagon,) as I had expected, but was in fact a city. It is a great place to read books, watch movies, or play with hamsters... Truly a metropolis of the future, but I kid. The Wbber sisters said very gracious things about their time in New Jersey (which was even more gracious considering they spent it in New Brunswick,) and what they described to me about Portland sounded like a pretty cool place to be.

All in all, The Doubleclicks are definitely a band worth checking out. Their songs tend to be on the shorter side, but that means they are more like potato chips. You can't just have one and suddenly you look up and realize you have indulged in more than you expected. Yet, unlike potato chips, you will have a truly satisfied feeling when you are done with their crunchy bag of songs and lyrical whimsy... also no grease on your hands.

If the two sisters ever find their way back to the east coast I will certainly make sure I am among the crowd. I should suggest you be too. The night will not disappoint.

You can check The Doubleclicks out on:

Their homepage: http://www.thedoubleclicks.com/;
Listen to their music: http://thedoubleclicks.bandcamp.com/;
Or on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/thedoubleclicks?feature=watch

Check out the music video for their song: This Fantasy World.

 

Comic Con II

There is a special time of the year that I look forward to. It comes every October, when people dress up in crazy weird costumes, go around wearing masks, and walk for miles upon miles without ever really going anywhere... I am talking of course of New York Comic Con.

This was my second year in attendance and it did not fail to disappoint. There were celebrities, panels, music, games, and of course people in costume. The cosplayers (as they are called) really pulled out all the stops this year. I saw costumes ranging from amazing to crazy to awesome to held-together-by-duct-tape. It always amazes me how creative people can be and how impressive a homemade costume can really look. There were a lot of Captain America's (but that's typical;) a lot of Loki's (that's new;) and more men dressed in drag than I ever remember seeing gathered together in one place (that's disturbing.) Also on the rise this year were Anime costumes, which is cool, but most of my anime experience doesn't extend much beyond Cowboy Bebop, Dragonball Z, (and for some reason) Inuyasha. Usually when I watch anime it tends to leave me with a sensation of awe and a disturbance at the pit of my stomach that I can never quite put my finger on. Still, even though I had no idea where a lot of the colorfully-haired and giant-weapon wielding characters had come from, they were impressive.

So far I have not partaken in costuming, but not for lack of interest. My friend and I did throw the idea around this year, but ultimately we could never settle on a satisfactory or doable idea. Yet, we were not without a theme. Last year, I experienced the weekend with my friend Chris, who you may know from another of my previous blogs, but this year our adventuring party grew from two to four, as we were joined by my two friends, Doug and Bobbo (not his real name.) So in honor of the weekend transforming from a two-player to a four-player game, I went with a classic Nintendo theme, Gauntlet II (one of the first four player games available.) Being somewhat of an amateur graphic artist/t-shirt designer I enjoyed making my own brand of t-shirts to show off at the convention for all of us to sport. However, even wearing nothing but a blue shirt that said "wizard" on it (and pants), I got some surprisingly nice compliments, and one inquiry as to where I was selling my shirts. It was not so much the front of the shirts (my three friends had similar shirts, Green Elf, Red Warrior, and Gold Warrior... if we had a lady I would have made one a Valkyrie...) but the custom logo on the back that seemed to impress to draw the majority of the attention.

So dressed in our adventuring gear, my party set off to experience the weekend. It all started on Friday with a quick visit to the Jacob Javits center to reconnoiter the location and get our bearings for the next day. Then it was a trip downtown to grab a quick bite of NY pizza and off to the highlight of the night, Rock Comic Con, the after party rock show for geeks, dweebs, and nerds... my kind of people. I will admit I was hesitant to go this year as I learned my favorite nerd rock band, Kirby Krackle, would not be in attendance, but we forged ahead regardless. However, my trepidation grew when we arrived and were made to waiting in a line outside the club where the event was being held. Last yea,r it was basically held on a stage in the backroom of some dive bar in Midtown, and now I was being forced to wait in in a line, behind a velvet rope. More than once we almost left, but soon enough the rather imposing bouncer allowed us entry into a club that was... basically empty.

I know what the club was trying to do, but they should really get to know their audience for the night. You are hosting a rock concert for nerds. These aren't exactly the most socially forward people and forcing a line at the door could just as easily turn some people off as it could make them wonder "hmm... I wonder what that's line for? It must be awesome, let's wait in it!"

Everyone wants to be Captain America.

The night, however, did not fail to disappoint. We were treated to three amazing bands, The Doublecicks, of whom I will talk about in a future blog, Schaffer the Dark Lord, a hip-hop nerdcore rapper. Of all the bands he was the one I was most surprised by. He was not only talented but clever and lyrical. He also opened up his set by reciting the President's Speech from Independence Day, and let me tell you... if you are ever looking for a way to get a crowd jazzed up into a frenzy that speech really does the trick (when delivered with conviction and over the movie score.) Last to come to the stage was H2Awesome!, the band that generally pulls Rock Comic Con together. There is one thing you can say about the band, they are truly dedicated to their craft. Their tunes are catchy and performed with an energy and showmanship that is usually attributed more to Freddy Mercury than a nerd rock band. Also present were guest artists, drawing pictures for charity auction, a nerd magician, prizes, games, and other sorts of entertainment. Sufficed to say, I got a Superman ice-cube tray... jackpot.

We were up early next morning to arrive back on the show floor in time to check out some panels, including a Nerd Trivia Show, which we did humblingly poor at. Doug broke off to see a panel by Chuck Palahniuk (who wrote Fight Club), while the rest of us wandered see what we could find. Afterwards we met up with some friends Samantha and Adam (who is also one of the main guys over at 215 Ink, check them out,) at our favorite eatery, Burgers and Cupcakes... Unsurprisingly we all had a good dose of burgers, cupcakes, and more fries that we probably should have ordered.

After our late lunch we returned to fight our way back through the crowds of Comic Con. We watched the Cosplay Costume Contest. We went to a panel on a Zombie Survival Course which we agreed defiantly sounded like a worthy activity to check out next Spring. (I won an LED key chain light by asking them a question about socks.) Lastly we ended the night with the panel I was most enthusiastic about seeing, ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, one of my favorite YouTubers. Best known for his Marvel/DC - Apple/PC parodies, he has really come to attention for me with his on-going series that meshes the DC and Marvel universe in small multi-part specials such as "Happy Hour," and "Zero Hour." The latter of which he performed a live seriess finale at the panel. I have always believed that it is always so much cooler and interesting to meet the people who are out there creating unique and special things, rather than just any old Hollywood actor. It is always those little guys that I find so inspiring. They create, and strive, and hope, not because they are being paid millions, but because it is their passion.

In fact, it was meeting these types of people at a conventions and talking with them that first inspired me to really begin putting myself out there with my creative projects and writing. It is no coincidence that the first post of this blog appeared on November 18, 2011, less than a month from my first attendance at New York Comic Con last year.

It's a good thing I am broke, or this picture would be taken
from my shelf and not behind a glass case.

Our final day, Sunday, was filled with a few lazy strolls up and down the show floor, some free giveaway crap, and exhuastion. We stopped to try out some of the new video games, including Resident Evil 6 (which I refused to wait for), and the newest installment of the Hitman series. I tried to see a panel by Josh Gates of SyFy's Destination Truth, but the panel was cancelled after the TV host failed to show up... Really that about sums up all of SyFy's TV programming these days. They get you really excited, but when the time comes they usually fail to show up... They just tend to phone it in, if you're lucky...

We ended the weekend with a table at our favorite sports bar "1, 2, 3, Burgers, Shots, Beers," where we watched the NY Giants crush the San Fransisco 49ers, and basically fought the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion that came over us as we filled our bellies and drank our beers.

My poor writing skills cannot even begin to convey how good this weekend was. There is always that moment of fear when you begin to think that you have built something up too high, or that a great experience could never be duplicated. Sometimes that is the truth, but sometimes (those really great times) you learn that those fears are nothing more than irrational. This weekend proved to be as good as I had remembered it. If only because of the spirit of camaraderie one gets from attending a comic convention. You know that everyone is there for the same reason, and no one is judging you for it. It is a spirit felt even more keenly in new York City, the most diverse city on the planet, with the most diverse nerd population you can find.

"Do not be too proud of this technological terror you've

constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant

next to the power of Christmas cheer."

Most people think of nerds as lily white kids from suburbia (like me,) but at comic con I saw people of all races, creeds, sexualities, backgrounds, religions. I saw people who were white, black, brown, green, blue, purple, and all the colors of the rainbow. I saw people dressed like thugs and gang members who geeked out out over meeting a guy dressed as Spider-man. I saw families dressed as Ghostbusters, I saw women dressed as Slave Leia's. I saw men dressed as Slave Leia;s. I saw two Jewish men arguing over Kirk or Picard. Everyone is a geek at heart, and at Comic Con you don't have to hide it.

There is a reason why people feel safe to come dressed as the heroes and villains they so love from movies, comics books, TV, and literature, because they find themselves among people who will not only accept them for it, but admire them for it. People with the best costumes aren't just cool, they are practically celebrities. They get asked by people to have their picture taken, the crowds part for them, and everyone is left with an incredible sense of awe and satisfaction. That is what comic con is really all about, being yourself and loving it.

 

Top Ten Books You'll Never Read

In honor of the fact that no one in the public is probably ever going to see the novel I just finished writing I have decided to list the top ten books/pieces of writing that none of us shall ever get to read... Mostly because they are fictional... and I don't mean they are fiction books, I mean that they are completely fiction... they don't exist. I tried to keep the list limited to fictional books, plays, and in one instance a newspaper article, (and a few instructional books.) However, I felt it best to exclude highly-technical fictional works such as Starfleet's General Orders, the technical schematics for the Incom T-65 X-Wing, or the Superhero Registration Act.


Honorable Mentions: Faster Than the Speed of Love, by Brian Griffin; The Neverending Story, by Unknown Author, The Philosphy of Time Travel by Roberta Sparrow; The Labryinth, by Unknown Playwright; Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, by Dennis Reynolds; The Coffee Table Book, by Cosmo Kramer; the Encyclopedia Galatica (by Issac Assimov); and Dealbreakers: A Girl's Guide to Shutting it Down, by Liz Lemon.


10. The Big Book of War by Zapp Brannigan (Futurama)

Synopsis: Written by Rear Brigadier General Major Webelo, Captain Zapp Brannigan, perhaps one of the most decorated and well known starship captains of the Democratic Order of Planets, the Big Book of War describes many of Captain Brannigan's own strategies on how he won some his most famous campaigns, such as his defeat of the Pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, his victory over the Killbots of the Auctilian system, or his heroic conquest of the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula. Learn the secrets of war from the man who wrote a book on it, literally.

Amazon User Review: Twenty four and a Half Stars: I simply could not put it down. I was not truly a man till I read this book. Captain Brannigan has inspired me both personally and sexually. -user:CaptainVelourLover1729


9. The Man Inside Me by Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development)

Synopsis: In this breakthrough book, The Man Inside Me. Dr. Tobais Fünke combines a new theory of psychotherapy along with stories of his own struggles in life, to touch men everywhere. For there is a man inside all of us, and only when he is finally out can we walk free of pain. This book will help show you "the you" that you have put away and hid from the world, hung up like a forgotten coat. Now is the time to get down off that hanger and step from that closet and proclaim to the world that, "No longer will I be kept in. I am out and I am proud."

Amazon User Review: Five Stars: This book changed my life. When my analrapist first recommended it, I was wary, but coupled with my prescription for Teamocil, this book has truly changed my life. Never again will I shrink down, limp like a scared turtle, afraid of who I am. Instead, now whenever I meet another man I will proudly stand up straight and tall, ready for action. -user:Pirateparty96


8. A Match Made in Space by George McFly (Back to the Future)

Synopsis: In his debut novel, author George McFly gives us a fascinating look into a world of love and aliens. Taking place in 1950's suburban California, A Match Made in Space tells the tale of a young and awkward high school teenager, the girl of his unrequited affection, and their friendship with a being from beyond the stars. Together they explore the galaxy and the emotions of the human heart. A classic science fiction novel with a love story twist this book will lift you from the ground and leave you on another planet.

Amazon User Review: One and a Half Stars: Great Scott, this book was completely and utterly scientifically inaccurate. HG Wells is rolling in his grave. I mean the aliens did not make any sense at all. This story could have just as easily been about people from the future. -user:Doctor121


7. Handbook for the Recently Deceased (Beetlejuice)

Synopsis: Are you prepared for your afterlife? Do you have many questions about what lays beyond the mortal coil? In the Handbook for the Recently Deceased, you will find all the answers and guidance you will need. Whether you have a question about etiquette during your own funeral, the existence of God, sex in the afterlife, or even if you are just looking for tips on haunting, this handbook tells it all. Caution: This book is not meant for mortal eyes. Attention all mortals, get this book now for the special Kindle sales price of  $0.99.

Amazon User Review: Three Stars: Personally, I never needed it, but I can see how some chumps feel like they would need a safety blanket for death. I mean it's not really complicated when you think about it. Dead is dead, am I right? Come on... Right? -user:SayMyName3x


6. How I Did It by Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Young Frankenstein)

Synopsis: Pronoucned Fronk-en-steen this book laid buried for years until it was rediscovered by the doctor's great grandson Fredrick. Mostly journal entries and scientific notes, the book helps lay out  Dr. Frankenstein's miraculous findings on the techniques he used to conquer death. Though results can often be mixed and ethically questionable, you cannot argue with the the wow factor of using lightning in lab experimentation.

Amazon User Review: Four Stars: Me like book. Me get it on Kindle... Ahh, fire bad! -user:NotMonster123


5. Advanced Potion Making by Libatus Borage (and Severus Snape) (Harry Potter)

Synopsis: This book is a limited edition copy of the text book for advanced potion making class for year-six students at Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. With annotations by a student known as the Half-Blood Prince, this is one of the most useful text books a student will ever own. Whether you are looking to improve your polyjuice potions or learn a particularly vicious new spell meant for your enemies this book will have something for everyone, Sytherin and Griffindor alike.

Amazon User Review: Two Stars: Though this book is a tool of education, and I certainly endorse the learning of knowledge, especially through reading, many of the annotations are dangerous and if used improperly can be turned toward darker arts. I caution anyone purchasing this book to not do so, -user:Gr4ng3r1997


4. Why the World Needs Superman by Lois Lane (DC Comics)

Synopsis: A reprint of the Pulitzer Prize winning article by Daily Planet Reporter Lois Lane  Why the World Needs Superman, the piece describes the Man of Steel in his own words and in his own deeds. Conducted through a series of interviews with Superman, Lane is able to show a real human-side to this alien from another world. This was the article that first introduced us to our larger-than-life hero, and made us believe that a man really could fly.

Amazon User Review: Three and a Half Stars: Superman has done a lot of good in the world, but sitting down to answer the questions of a reporter is always a mistake. Heroes are meant to work from the shadows. It is not about publicity. It is about justice. -user:BWayne1223
 

3. There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit)

Synopsis: The heroic tale of the Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, as he travels from his warm and comfy hobbit hole to the darkest reaches of the forest and the deepest dragon filled caves of the East. Hear the tale told in Bilbo's own words and through the eyes of a Hobbit who had once thought the most thrilling thing in life was to put up his feet while smoking his pipe.

Amazon User Review: One Star: Very unoriginal. This is basically the exact same book as the Hobbit, but told from the perspective of Bilbo. Worse yet, the author has no natural skill in writing. This might as well be poorly written fan fiction. I don't think Baggins has even heard of a punctuation mark, and all that flowery script just makes the book impossible to read. Don't waste your time on this one. -user: HipsterMcHippy82


2. Tobin's Spirit Guide by Jonathon Horace Tobin (Ghostbusters)

Synopsis: A compendium of different spectres, spooks, and spirits all encountered and catalogued throughout the life of the author. Original publication date is unknown, but most estimates put it before the Second World War. New publications have been updated with expanded information, with many additional information supplied by Dr. Egon Spengler. This is a must have book for any professional or amateur ghost-hunter.

Amazon User Review: Four and Half Stars: Truly the most complete and comprehensive guide to all ectoplasmic entities currently residing in our corporeal realm. It is amazing the details that Tobin was able to find with his primitive methods of ghostbusting. I just wish his entries on focused, non-terminal repeating phantasms were more detailed. That little spud has put our food bill through the roof. -user:DrRayman81


1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Megadodo Publications (HGTTG)

Synopsis: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway? It's already supplanted the Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for two important reasons. First, it's slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC printed in large friendly letters on its cover.

Amazon User Review: No Stars: Why even bother. There is no way you will read the whole thing, and therefore you will die of being ill-prepared. Everything dies, even me, and I'm not even alive. I've depressed myself again. -user:HeartofMarvin


Non-Applicable Mentions: For the records I would have replaced Number 5 with the Tales of Beedle the Bard, but Rowling already went ahead and made that into a printed a book. Similarly, I probably would have replaced number 4 with Under the Hood by Holis Mason, but Alan Moore already printed most of that as supplemental material to the Watchmen comics.

Jersey Sure

This is an article that I have written at least three times in my small and meager writing career, (mostly for local and school publications,) but it is an article that bears repeating. I know everyone has a special place for their home state in their heart, but for many New Jerseyians it sometimes gets hard to defend our state from others, especially when there is so much ammo out there available.

 

This all comes about because this Thursday marks the premiere of the sixth and (mercifully) final season of a certain program on MTV. (Spoiler: Alert) In the series finale the cast of the Jersey Shore realizes that they are like 45 frelling years-old and its about time they stopped spending every night getting drunk and committing statutory rape, and went out and got real jobs... Nah, I'm just kidding, that's never going to happen... Really, the show will end by them all finding out they have VD, and I am pretty sure Snooki returns and eats J-Woww... like with a fork.

 

The Jersey Shore is just one of the many examples of the negative Jersey-stereotypes being pushed on the international community of TV watchers. Other shows like The Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Jerseylicious (sic?) are all part of a trend of Jerseyplotation that has really cemented the bad name of my beloved state. Yet in all fairness, Jersey has had its bad rap for decades before The Situation ever polluted the beaches of the shore. Go back even as far as the 70's and you'll find "Dirty Jersey" jokes littered among movies and pop culture references, mostly due to our position as New York's reluctant step-brother.

Everyone in NJ has a "Friend of a Friend" story about a
Jersey Devil sighting. They are usually brief and terrifying

In the words of a columnist in the Bergen Record (whose name I have forgotten) "There is no reason why the rest of the country should treat New Jersey the way New Jersey treats Seaside Heights." The point being is that we are not a state full of fist-pumping, steroid taking, Italian flag-waving, Mafioso-wannabe, Bruce Springsteen-hugging, over-tanned, under-dressed, gold-chain-wearing, stuck-in-the-eighties, walking stereotypes... Well, not all of us, anyway.

 

You may see us as a stereotype of loud, obnoxious, guidos stuck in filthy urban sprawl, but that is only because you are thinking of Staten Island. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas, but don't let that fool you. Leaving New York City you have to drive through places like Jersey City, Newark, Fort Lee, and leaving Philadelphia you could find yourself in Camden, (and no one wants to just find themselves in Camden.) Now, as our gateways to the major cities, these are not the most flattering first impressions, but they are only a small part of the picture. In between those two points are mountains, miles and miles of forests (what we call the Pine Barrens,) acres of farmland, and more than our fair share of people who enthusiastically nod when Jeff Foxworthy quizzes them on their status as Rednecks. New Jersey is actually one of the most geographically diverse states in the Union, boasting everything from the highest altitude along the eastern seaboard, at Highpoint, NJ, to the low-lying vinelands of Southern Jersey, to over fifty historic beach towns, including Cape May, (the oldest one in America.) We may have the largest petroleum containment area outside the Middle East (which is why our gas will always be at least 10 cents cheaper than yours,) but New Jersey is also the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production, not to mention Jersey tomatoes, eggplant, and sweet corn, all of which are renowned throughout the world as being among the best.

So maybe you see New Jersey as some kind of Soprano-land mafia state… You’re kind of right... but if it wasn’t for our Mafioso friends and our other non-connected Italian immigrants we would be out of some of the best things about my home state. I'm talking about Italian sausage and pepper, real and authentic pasta, Mediterranean cuisine, and some of the best damn pizza that you will find anywhere in the world. I should really amend that statement and say "some of the best food in the world." Because my little state is also one of the most diversely ethnic states in the union, (despite what MTV wants you to think). We have people with backgrounds from every country in the world living here. Union City even has more Cubans per square mile than Havana, Cuba. That means you can can find almost any type of food you have a craving for, Cuban, Greek, Portuguese, Polish, German, Irish, anything... and they have all brought their best recipes to New Jersey. Yet, let's not forget about the diners. NJ has more diners than any place in the world. That means anytime you are hungry, drunk, or both there is usually a place where you can get anything from breakfast to burgers to cheesecake and bottomless coffee, at all hours of the day. (I need to stop writing blogs around lunch time.)

Now I'll try not to waste your time with anymore statistics, (such as, how in New Jersey's coastal waters there have been no major die-offs of fish or bottom-dwelling sea-creatures in the last decade, due in large part to the fact the NJ has the most stringent water quality control testing policies in the entire country;) or facts, (such as how NJ was the third state to ratify the Constitution on December 18, 1787, only 11 days after the first state, Delaware;) or even the usual Jersey-gripping, (even though the NY Giants/Jets Stadium is actually in New Jersey, along with the Statue of Liberty.) For all the rest of the facts and more you can go here and for all the inside jokes you can go here.

 

Sightings of the creature known
as Snooki can often be as
terrifying, but unfortuantely
not as brief.

New Jersey has always had a rather unique identity, mostly because of the evident split that occurs within our borders. There is South, North and (much like "y") sometimes Central, but lets focus on North Jersey (which is where I am from.) Eastern North Jersey is closer to the stereotypical New Jersey that everyone expects to see on TV. That is because of the proximity of that side of the state to New York, and of course New York City is one of the largest metropolitan hubs for people, information, and media. Thus, the jokes that New Yorkers used to make about New Jersey in private have tended to find themselves embedded in the culture. Unfortunately, in our culture the bad will always outshine the good, so when people think of New Jersey they don't think, "Hey that's the place where Edison used to live, or where they played the first ever baseball game.." No, people tend to think, "Hey look at me, I like Bon Jovie and I'm from New Joisy." (again you idiots, that's a Staten Island accent, or even sometimes a Brooklyn accent.)
 

Unfortunately, this wave of Jerseyplotation is only showing signs of getting worse. Jersey Shore might be coming to end, but rest assured whether you are talking about tough talking cake-bakers who live in Hoboken or women running a beauty salon in Freehold, this trend isn't going away soon.

"New Jersey has become like an industrial ingredient for reality TV," says Hugh Curnutt, media history professor at Montclair State University. "If you’re in California and you hear about a new reality TV show about New Jersey, you already know that it’s probably about Italian-Americans, family, culture and it will tend to follow the caricatures that are on other shows. That may not be what people want to see but that’s what they’re given to see." NJ Becomes Reality Mainstay

Admittedly, driving in NJ is a much more
complex issue, of which I would require a
degree in advanced geometry to explain, but
sufficed to say, in Jersey, three rights don't
always equal a left (3R ≈ L)

And despite the protests of Italian-American organizations, NJ Governor Chris Christie, and most of the State of New Jersey below New Brunswick, we are going to let it keep happening, and for one reason... money. Take for example the shore-town of Seaside Heights. Seaside was the scummiest, lowest-class, most screwed-up of all the Jersey shore towns. It was the place you went after prom for the weekend, because you knew you could get a shore-house, get cases and cases of beer, wreck the house you were renting, (I mean literally put holes in the plaster walls,) and suffer no consequences for any of it, as a seventeen year-old high school student, (maybe that much has not changed,) but thanks to the cast of the Jersey Shore and the spectacle of reality TV, Seaside Heights and its local merchants have turned their crappy little shore town into a gold mine of profit. The beaches are more packed than ever, there is even a booming winter crowd (practically unheard of eight years ago) of international tourists that are now making pilgrimages to Seaside just to walk upon its ground. I know this because I personally escorted an Aussie there and watched as she took pictures of the their house (?!?), got ripped off for "official" Jersey shore t-shirts, and generally pumped her money into the Seaside economy harder than the cast of Jersey Shore can pump their fists after their eighth shot of jagermeister, (or whatever some-such nonesense the kids are drinking today...) She wasn't the only one either. In taxes alone NJ is making a lot of money off this craze, but that also begs the question, "What is your soul worth?"

Ironically, reality TV is one of the only job markets that seems to be growing in New Jersey these days. Maybe that is the true solution to the down-heading economy. Maybe we should all just act like idiots and 2D caricatures in front of a camera and get our own reality shows. (Though if any TV executives are reading this I might consider accepting a position in a new reality show called Nerd Jersey... but only if I get a producing credit as well...) After all, the rest of the country (and parts of the world) seem to already see us as just a state full of big-haired, atomic-tanned, loud mouthed, jack asses... It must be true... I mean there is no possible way we could be a state that also had people who are doctors, policemen, teachers, firemen, soldiers, scientists, writers, husbands, fathers, mothers, sisters, or anything quite so mundane... As you can tell I'm still not too thrilled with the way six idiots and their counter-parts get to portray my state for the world to see. There is so much more to New Jersey than beaches and pollution. The only real solution I can offer, is that you should come and see it for yourself. At the very least, you'll get a good meal... I mean you should eat something... You're looking a little thin...