March Graphic Projects

So I have had a very busy few weeks and I must admit I have allowed my blogging to lapse. Mostly I have spent my free time consumed on a few graphic art projects that I have been creating to decorate my apartment with. So in lieu of any sort of contextual blog this week I thought I would share my art.

I call this one Geek Iconology. I wanted to create something that used all the great symbols and small visual icons of the shows/movies/books/comics/etc that I love and have enjoyed over the years. Most icons I was able to pull off the Internet, but some I had to actually recreate by hand. Ironically, it was choosing the proper arrangement that actually proved to be the hardest part of this piece. See how many you can recognize. 

I call this one The Block and the Bold. I was inspired by the minimalist artwork I have been checking out lately online, and I really wanted something that would prove to be iconic but without infringing on any copyright laws. The objects was to make the characters visually recognizable but still within minimalist constraints. I tried to limit the use of colors for each character and for the whole piece, however I was forced to use four different types of green. Everything is created with manipulated shapes (mostly blocks) created in Photoshop.



A Cliche in King Arthur's Court

In a fit of boredom I was flipping through the channels last night and happened across the horrible 2003 film, Timeline (based on the equally horrible book.) Basically it is the story of archaeologists who are flung back in time due to the machinations of an evil corporation, who has apparently discovered time travel and cannot find anything better to do with it than use it to try and kill an old archaeology professor. Our main characters of the story find themselves in the midst of an "exciting" battle between the French and English in the 1300's, and yet the only thing that really got me through the movie was waiting for the appearances of Billy Connolly and trying to trick myself into thinking I might be watching Boondock Saints.

I remember the advertising for this movie when it was first released. The original trailer likened the journey back through to time to 14th century France as the equivalent of a journey to hell. Personally, I think that is kind of harsh. Granted it is a journey to France and even in modern days that can be a trying experience, but the 1300's are hardly hell. I mean they speak languages we know and can interpret, they fight and live by ethics we clearly understand. This makes even less sense when you think that the archeologists sent back were all at least knowledgeable in the time period in which they were sent back to (because the movie opens with them conducting an archaeological dig at the very sight the aforementioned battle took place in.

This did get me thinking about being transported back in time and how well an average person might fair in a historical time period. Obviously some time periods would be easier then others for certain people. For instance, the Ninja Turtles seemed to fair pretty well in feudal Japan, and the closer you get to modern times the easier it would be to adapt. I mean Marty McFly did well enough in the Wild West version of his home town. You also need to take into account the relation of the ancient culture to the culture of the traveler. For instance, I know very little about the customs and beliefs of the Babylonians, but I am well prepared for 1940's America. Language is an issue as well, because even though Ancient Rome is a predecessor to modern western culture, I still dont' think my 5 years of Latin will allow me to very conversant with the locals. I do not think me repeating, "Equus amo" (I like horse), to everyone I meet is going to get me very far.

Movies about time travel have often proven
that the only people who travel through time
are those who are barely qualified to travel
to the local supermarket.

However even beyond those basic problems I have to wonder if we as modern humans would have any real advantage over our ancient counterparts. In the movie Bill Connolly, is able to prove himself useful to his medieval captors by using his "big-future-brain" to make them Greek Fire, (a substance that burns hotter the more water that is added to it.) That is all well and good and a perfect example of how a modern human can use his higher intellect to survive in ancient times, except not really. You see Greek Fire was invented by the Byzantine Empire, and its secret was so closely guarded that the knowledge of how to replicate the substance was lost to history after the Byzantium Empire fell. In other words, Billy Connolly could not know how to make Greek Fire, because in modern times we do not know how to make Greek Fire. I suppose we can argue that being a modern human of average intelligence we could find a close proximate formula. After all, we know that gasoline burns and is resistant to water (but so did people in medieval times,) or that hyper-accelerants such as magnesium will burn brighter when water is applied to them, but that raises other questions. I mean where do you find magnesium and/or how do you manufacture a jet-fuel like accelerant? It is a process that would require highly specialized knowledge that the average modern human does not have.

Really, I keep coming back to the conclusion that modern humans with no special training may not fair too well when thrown back into an ancient scenario. I mean think about it, many modern humans do not even understand how to fix their home computer, and even worse, thanks to the advent of video games and air conditioning most people nowadays will probably find themselves in worse physical condition than their ancient counterparts. Even people with specialized survival training such as people with army training or woodsman experience may still find the task overwhelming. I mean, just because you can take down a deer at 300 yards with a hunting rifle does not necessarily prepare you to use a sword or a spear in combat, and how often does the US Army teach charioteering anymore.

Nonetheless, a specialized skill will always prove more useful than your average couch potato. Engineers, chemists, and especially doctors could probably get by on their skills and knowledge to -at least- prove useful to an ancient society, but even that is questionable. Obviously aerospace and/or computer engineers would find their expertise somewhat antichronal, plastic surgeons probably would not find much work in ancient times, and depending on where and when you land up, chemists or other scientists could just as well find themselves tied to a stake as a crowd lights them on fire while screaming, "witch." Even people who train themselves in ancient culture will probably still have a difficult time overcoming anyone or anything they meet. I mean just because you work at medieval times as a jouster doesn't mean you could probably beat real knights in a jousting tournament, and even though you take three classes a week on how to wield a katana, my money would still be on your samurai opponent who has been practicing with his sword since he could stand upright.

Coming this Fall to MTV and the History Channel.

Our real advantage would most likely be our understanding of history, but even that is not really too reliable. I mean unless you are a highly specialized historian who happens to fall into his/her specialized time period, you probably still will not find the lessons that you learned in 10th grade history class specifically useful, even if you manage to remember them. After all, just because you land in Revolutionary Times, and your general knowledge of history tells you that America wins the Revolution, you still may not necessarily know who will win the momentary battle that you find raging around you. Additionally, the further back in history you go the less reliable historical facts become. There are whole centuries of human history that we are really only guessing at. Any specific or first-hand accounts were either never created or were lost over the adjoining centuries. This makes even scholarly historical knowledge for any age is spotty at best, and completely incorrect at worst.

So who might be the best modern human to survive in ancient times? Bear Grylls? Tony Stark? Whoopi Goldberg? I cannot be sure, nor could anyone until they are faced with that possibility. The answers to these question are as unknown as the mysteries of the past. I suppose it will always vary based not only upon the traveler but also upon what time period they are sent to. All I know is that this sounds like an awesome premise for a reality show. It might even be one I would actually watch.

Friday's

Picture courtesy of Graham Smith

"So the wall explodes and there is like plaster everywhere. The people in the inside are all like, 'Oh my God, what's going on?' So as the dust settles I make my entrance and I do the maniacal laughter-thing, of course, and announce, I am the Mandroid, yadda yadda yadda... You know the typical speech. That's when that douche, Half-Life, shows up. He trashes my robot minions and the next thing I know I'm getting a face full of his radiation blast... I mean come on, radiation blast. That doesn't even sound safe. They call me a menace yet their hero is a walking Three-Mile Island. If I get cancer I am so suing his ass."

I stand there wiping down a dirty beer mug as I listen to the man. He gets suddenly silent and mumbles something into his glass of liquor.

"How'd you get away?" I finally ask as I finish cleaning the mug.

"Get this," he said with a laugh. "I made him think one of my minions was wired with explosives. I gave him the ol' 'save them or catch me' speech. What an idiot."

"I didn't think you were the bank robbery type, Mandroid?" I said as I poured the brightly colored-clad man another drink.

"You know how expensive it is to have robot minions? Enhanced neural processors don't grow on trees you know."

"Barkeep, I think I'll take that kicker./Give me a drink of your best liquor," called the man from at the far end of the bar.

"I think you have had enough, Quizzy," I said to the man as I hobbled down to him.

"Nonsense, for I am the Quiz Master,/and I won't be ordered about by some drink caster." The man stood up from his bar stool and brandished some kind of staff that extended in his hand. I noticed how his purple and gold sports jacket hung off him like a cheap suit.

"Drink caster? Your rhyming is making less sense than usual. You're cut off." I motioned to Edward in the corner.

The big hulking brute of a man lumbered his way toward the bar and picked up the slender squirming drunk from where he stood. With very little effort he carried him to the front entrance of the bar and tossed him like a rag doll through the open door. In a past life, Edward had been known as Two-Ton, a third string villain in Titan City's super-criminal underworld. That was before he got clean and I gave him a job. When you cater to the type of clientele I do it helps to have a seven-foot, super strong, near-indestructible bouncer at the ready.

Of course, there were still some mishaps, a year before some mercenary named Raymond Gunn shot up the place. He destroyed my prized pool table. Then there was the time Professor Nightmare started a brawl with Kid Cyanide because the kid was hitting on Nightmare's girlfriend, The Couger.  Still, for the most part everyone remained civil. They all knew my bar as a place they could wind down. Really super-villains are just like anyone else. All they want is a place where they can go and forget about the world for a while. I like to think I offer that. My name is James Joseph Friday but most people nowadays call me...

"JJ," the voice called my name from across the bar. I turned to find my newest employee, Gill Laridae backing away from the bar top with a gun pointed at his chest.

"What is the problem, Gill?" I said as I hobbled my way toward him.

"I'll tell you what the problem is," said a small big headed man as he stood on top of his bar stool. His tiny child-like hands clutching the firearm like a professional killer. "This kid asked me for ID. Don't you know who I am, kid?"

"Gill," I said calmly, "this is Child Endangerment. He only looks like a kid. Really he's 42 years old."

"I'm 41," said the big headed assassin as he put away his gun away and sat back down. "Now how about that drink?"

"Coming right up," I motioned for Gill to pour his drink order and to his credit the kid snapped out of his stupor and got to work. It's always a little disconcerting the first time you have a customer push a gun or a knife or a fully charged plasma cannon in your face, but in this business you learn to get over it fast, or you quit. I have gone through more than my fair share of employees. Most quit, but a few disappeared without much of a trace. No two ways around it, you had to be tough to work in this industry.

I watched my table waitress Georgia Atlanta as she slapped some guy who looked like he was half-octopus and half-human. I guess he was getting too touchy feely with her, as customer sometimes do. Georgia is one of those people who can handle herself. She used to be a villainess by the name of Southern Bedlam, but she gave it up when her son was born. She moved out west to Titan City to get a fresh start.

"What's it like to be a villain?" asked Gill later on after he had calmed down. The kid had an abnormal fascination with super-villainy and I knew where that path led. I had hoped to dissuade him from it by hiring him on as my part-timer. I wanted to show him that it wasn't all fun and grand larceny.

"Its not anything you want to be a part of kid," I said as I tapped a new keg. I hefted the large metallic cylinder underneath the bar with a grunt. It was another reminder that I was not as young as I used to be. I stood and wiped off my hands with a nearby dish towel. When I turned back around the kid was still looking at me expectantly.

"Listen, kid," I said as I put down the towel. "you don't want to get mixed up in this world. It never ends well. Look at Dr. Zirconium over there." I motioned to a large hulking monster sitting alone in the corner. Underneath his white torn lab coat his skin looked like it was made of jagged crystalline material.

"Dr. Zee used to be a Nobel-prizing winning metallurgist, until one of his experiments went horribly wrong. Sure, the accident gave him increased strength and skin almost as hard as diamond, but it also reduced his intelligence down to that of a twelve year old. Super-villainy always comes with a price. It ain't worth it."

"What about you?" said Gill. He reached into his pocket and he pulled out an old picture, and suddenly I was staring at a memory I hadn't thought about in a long time. There I stood in a black and white jumpsuit. I had this great big mask covering my eyes and the days of the week were written all over my damn costume.

I took the picture from his hand. "God, look at this. I looked ridiculous. Look at my mustache. What was I thinking?"

"You used to be Joe Friday," persisted Gill. "You used to run around with a calendar pinned to your chest. How can you tell me being a villain isn't worth it?"

"First off, it was a weekly planner not a calendar. Second off, I was never much of a villain. It turns out planning your schemes based around a weekly schedule makes you a bit too predictable."

"But everything turned out alright for you. You're fine..."

I don't usually get angry but all the questions along with the old photo had me riled up, "Kid, I was one of the lucky ones. Some of the guys I knew from the old days, King Carnivore, the Piper, Lady Gravity, they weren't so lucky. Most of them are dead or in jail. Damn, the Emerald Hood has spent the last twenty years trapped in some kind of parallel hell-dimension. Is that what you want to happen to you?"

"No," he said meekly.

"I was lucky. Shining Templar only broke my leg in four places when he captured me. I spent a few years in jail and now I got a bum leg to show for all of my troubles, but after all that I decided to go legit. Take it from me. Make an honest living, its a lot less hazardous to your health."

I shoved the old picture back in his trembling hands. "Watch the bar. I'm going out back for a smoke." I left the poor dumbfounded kid alone at the bar. His shocked face the last thing I saw before the back door swung shut behind me. I fumbled for a cigarette and lit it with one of the matches I had in my back pocket. The first drag was like a warm blanket. All the tension and anger seemed to drain away as I stood there smoking and watching the sky over Titan City.

Its an old habit, I suppose, watching the skies. Its something most villains learn to do in their careers. You never know when some guy in a cape and long-johns is going to come swinging down and ruin your day. Even though I hadn't committed a crime in over two decades I guess it was still a hard habit to let go of.

I knew there were still times when I felt the urge and the old excitement would start to kick up again. Friday the 13th's were always the worse days for me, but I had been clean for too long to let myself fall back into old ways. Besides, I was too old to play the game anyway. A man had to admit his limitations and I knew mine. Idly I stretched my bum leg.

I wasn't a villain anymore. I was just a bartender, and that was good enough.

Vote Nerd

The Symbol of the National Nerd Political Party or 2N2P.

If you are like me than maybe you are a little fed up with politics. It seems like there are never any good candidates to choose from and the decisions that Congress actually make we usually do not care about, while the decisions we would like to see never wind up happening (Like a national holiday for the Monday after Superbowl.) Speaking from experience (I worked in politics for almost two years), the political arena is nothing more than the biggest reality show that America has ever produced. Except instead of getting drunk and harmlessly puking on a creature called Snooki, our politicians spend so much time infighting and adhering to radical extremist values that nothing ever really gets accomplished. Ultimately the only ones who ever seem to benefit from politics is politicians. Now let me clarify one thing before I continue, Democracy is not a perfect system, but it is the best we have. Also, it is unfair to lump all politicians together. Some of them are actually very good at their job and do care about the greater good, but more and more it feels like they are sometimes the exception and not the rule.

Reasonably, (unless you are an extremist radical hippie or a right-wing Christian evangelist,) you probably do not agree with every single decision, belief, or idea that either party spouts, even if you associate yourself as a Republican or Democrat. According to USA Today, between 2008 and 2012 registration in the Democratic Party has dropped by 800,000 people and Republican registration has dropped by 350,000 while Independents have increased their membership by 325,000 people. Most Americans have always associated with more of a Centrist rather than a true Right or Left view of government, but the unfortunate thing is that those centrist rarely get everything they want. The sad fact of politics is that the more parties become galvanized the further away from those reasonable centrist views they move. So most independents and non-declared citizens ultimately end up voting not for a candidate they want but against a candidate that they see as the greater of two evils.

Ultimately this results in voter apathy, low turn outs, and a feeling of helplessness. We feel like nothing will ever change because (unless you are one of the hardcore political believers) you feel like your beliefs and ideas are never truly represented... and you are right. Really what this means is that we should not be looking to reform the electoral process or the inner workings of the government so much as we should be looking to reform the political system and the politicians who are a part of it.

So forget Democrats and Republicans, the answer to our prayers has been under our noses the whole time, Nerds. As the National Nerd Political Party (2N2P from this point on) we can find a better way to run a political party that will put forth viable and exciting candidates. After all, the motto of the 2N2P is We just don't represent our party, we represent America. The 2N2P encourages its candidates to think about every decision as part of the larger picture, not based upon the political interests of the party, because the party has no political interests. As a Centrist Party we believe that extreme beliefs are usually wrong. Too much ice cream can be just as bad as too much nuclear war.

A lot of the problems in American politics is ego. Think about whenever you watch any argument made in Congress (Because we have all been bored and flipped on CSPAN for a few hours) it usually is more akin to a squabble between two 8 year olds fighting over who gets to ride a bike next as opposed to any  intellectual or fair-minded debate between professionals. That is because members of political parties tend to be more concerned with playing there part as a good Democrat or a good Republican than listening to any reasonable argument. Thus, regardless of the sense of a suggestion made by the opposing party, most politicians would rather blindly stick their heels in the sandbox and call the other one a poo-poo head. Congress (like a website forum) becomes a place where people fight for the sake of fighting, because they would rather the other person be wrong, even if they are not right themselves. (AND I am talking about BOTH parties.)

Maybe that is because the only way politicians can keep their "jobs" is by keeping their party happy (not the voters.) It is the party that ultimately decides who gets put up for what position, who advances and who falls into obscurity. Mostly that means the person with the biggest wallet or sometimes even the person who is the most extreme. Both parties are so marred down in their own internal party politics that if a person is not considered "viable" in their own party, they will never see the light of day as a candidate. I mean, think about it, being an elected official is the only job you do not need any qualifications for. You do not need prior experience, intern training, or even a college degree. As long as you can convince enough people to vote for you, the job is yours.  



A sampling of the questions on the written exam.

However, in the 2N2P our candidates will not be picked based upon their blind adherence to doctrine or dogma, in fact we encourage our candidates to be free thinkers and find creative solutions to problems. Instead, we pick our candidates based upon a series of tests that we conduct. Applying to be a candidate will be like applying for a job. You must submit a letter of interest and a resume. There will then be an interview process followed by a written exam which will quiz our potential candidates on general knowledge, leadership potential, moral and ethical standards, pop culture, and possible psychic potential. If the candidates score well on the written exam and during the interview process then they will move on to the physical challenge, where they will be tested for strength, mental acuity, leadership abilities, endurance, speed, comedic performances, hand eye-coordination, and martial arts abilities. (You never know when the President may have to retake a hijacked airplane.) 

Once candidates have passed the internal party tests they will be placed into the race with the full support and backing of the party. From that point on their only mandate is do what is best for the country as a whole, and not for the party, or even strictly for those that voted them. After all, being a member of Congress or even the President does not simply mean you are making decisions for just Democrats or just Republicans, but for everybody. A fair and open-minded approach to political arguments and decisions is not only refreshing but is arguably the most reasonable approach to any situation. Some people may say we are a party tha believes in nothing, but actually we are a party that believes in what works.

Moreover, the 2N2P will reserve the right to recall candidates in any subsequent elections if they are not living up to these standards. That means, even if a candidate is likely to win but if they breach their own promises, betray their own beliefs, or even begin taking money from special interest groups for their campaign, the 2N2P Supreme Council may remove them from the running as a 2N2P candidate and select a replacement to run in their stead. This also reinforces the idea that being an elected official is not a job, it is a civic service.

I like them all, except maybe for that old-man at the end.
He seems like he's up to something... I got my eye on you
Ron Paul

A candidate is not elected so that they can do whatever it takes to remain in office for the next thirty years and collect a pension. That is not how the Greeks, the Romans, or even our own founding fathers envisioned how a democratic republic works. If you are making decisions based upon what will get you reelected you are not doing your job. All 2N2P candidate will understand that they could very well be one-term officials, because as a Congressman, Senator, President, etc you are elected to be a leader, and sometimes leaders have to make hard and unpopular decisions. Just because they are hard or unpopular does not make them wrong. No child wants to be told to go to bed or that they shouldn't put a fork in an electrical socket, but if parent don't enforce these rules that child will ultimately regret their decisions in the long run. Elected officials are not meant to be our "cool hey-I-am-your-pal parental figures." Elected officials are meant to make the vital and tough decisions no one else has the guts to make. Unfortunately, those type of politicians are as rare as unobtanium (and almost as fictional.)

That is why we need to change the quality of our candidates, not just the process by which they are elected. After all, it doesn't matter how many regulations, laws, or restrictions we put on the system, as long as we do not have people with solid morals and governmental ethics they will always find loopholes in any system. That's why despite shutting down Napster, Metallica still loses millions of dollars to online piracy every year. People will always find a way to work around a system if they do not have the convictions to believe that what they are doing is wrong.

Thus, we come back to only true solution to the problem, the 2N2P, because if you really think about it nerds are perfect for this position. Most are already considered outcasts, free thinkers, and are stereotypically above average in intelligence. These kind of traits already give many nerds a head start on being qualified to run for office under the 2N2P banner. However, once selected as a candidate all 2N2P candidates will also attend a 6 week training course that will teach them effective leadership strategies, creative problem solving, and fair-minded decision making. There will also be a talent show held annually at the closing of each candidate school.

Since this entry is running longer than a campaign promise I will end it with this. We need people in office who will not think about what is best for them. We need people who will think about what is best for everyone. We need a centrist party to help restore sanity to Washington, because as Americans we all tend to fall somewhere is the middle and right now that means we all tend to fall through the cracks.

President's Day

In honor of President's Day I thought it would be best if we remember some of the greatest presidents that never existed.

Honorable Mentions: President Linberg; President Dave Kovic; President James Dale; President Stewart Gilligan Griffin; President David Palmer; and unnamed President from Heroes played by Michael Dorn (I will call him President Worf)

10. President John Quincy Adding Machine (Futurama)

Achievements: The First Robot President of Earth. He won by only one vote on the strength of his campaign promise to not to go on a killing spree.

Failures: Like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Memorable Quotes: "00110101101011"

9. President Kang (Simpsons)

Achievements: Oversaw the construction of the great 1996 Ray Gun.

Failures: Enslaved the human race and put an end to the third party vote.

Memorable Quotes:  "My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball; but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"

8. President Lex Luthor (DC Comics)

Achievements: Luthor helped America lessen its dependency on fossil fuels through smart and forward thinking policies; rebuilt Gotham City after the devastating Earthquake that nearly destroyed it; coordinated the efforts of the US Armed Forces, allied nations, Earth's Superheroes, and other alien forces to repel the invasion of Imperiex.

Failures: Luthor was eventually impeached, following only three years in office; was revealed that he was responsible for the Gotham Earthquake, and for luring a Kryptonite Asteroid to Earth in an attempt to blame the incident on Superman; was the only president to have a rouge faction of the Justice League invade the White House in an attempt to unseat him from office.

Memorable Quotes:  "You can't touch me. We're on American soil now. And I am the president."

7. President Laura Roslin (Battlestar Galactica)

Achievements: Reestablished the Colonial Government after the 12 Colonies were destroyed by the Cylons; had visions and prophecies about the direction of the fleet; successfully led a coup of the (then) established military regime directed by Colonel Tigh; regained the presidency from Gaius Baltar after the occupation of New Caprica; fell in love with William Adama (I guess that is a pro or con depending on how you stand); intergrated  rebel Cyclons into the Colonial Fleet; successfully led the Colonial Fleet to Earth.

Failures: Had failing health due to breast cancer; Elected Gaius Baltar as Vice President; authorized the use of torture against Baltar and Cyclon prisoners; failed to end black market trading in the fleet; made abortion illegal in the Colonial Fleet (I guess that is a pro or con depending on how you stand); failed to convict Gaius Baltar of his crimes

Memorable Quotes:  "Today is a new beginning for all of us. We share a unique destiny, but our future is ours to shape and our past cannot be forgotten."

6. President Richard Nixon (Futurama, Watchmen, Marvel Comics, etc...)

Achievements: Nixon was responsible for winning the Vietnam Conflict; abolished term limits; enacted the Keene Act; was the original Gerber Baby; had his image on the $1000 and $300 bill; oversaw the creation of the Farnsworth Gravity Pump; staged the moon landing on Venus; fought zombies with Kennedy and Castro; was possibly the head of a criminal organization called the Secret Empire who attempted to take over the United States and discredit Captain America; and opened relations with China.

Failures: Impeached from Office during the Watergate Scandal of 1973.

Memorable Quotes:  "Harooo."

5. President Chuck Norris (Internet)

Achievements: Round-house kicked the National Debt so hard China now owes us $2.73; established the national system of Kicks and Balances (either you do what President Norris wants or he balances on one foot while kicking you in the face); saved the country millions by disbanding the secret service; sent Iran a signed picture of himself (they have since closed down their nuclear program and are readily complying with all UN sanctions,) graduated from the Electoral College; and personally collected every US penny in circulation and melted them down to create a scaled replica of his beard.

Failures: None

Memorable Quotes:  "A lot of people give up just before they're about to make it. You never know when that next obstacle is going to be the last one, and for most people I am their last obstacle."

4. President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett (West Wing)

Achievements: Granted amnesty to illegal immigrants from the Americas; appointed the first Hispanic supreme court justice; appointed the first female chief justice; negotiated a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine; created over a million new jobs; provided strong support for alternative energy; and orchestrated a revolutionary reform plan to the US Social Security system. He was considered the most successful and beloved Democratic President in recent US history, (and I mean in real life.)

Failures: Considered weak on military issues; suffered from multiple sclerosis; was shot; resigned the presidency for a brief time during the kidnapping crisis of his daughter; considered bad with names; and (his biggest failing according to the audience) is that he was fictional.

Memorable Quotes:  "'We hold these truths to be self-evident,' they said, 'that all men are created equal.' Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down.... Decisions are made by those who show up."

3. President Thomas J. Whitmore (Independence Day)

Achievements: Nuked Houston; saved the Earth from alien invasion; personally led the assault from the cockpit of a fighter jet; and gave one of the best damn speeches in presidential history.

Failures: Allowed most of the United States' major cities to get destroyed; was considered a weak "Bill Pullman-esque" president before the invasion; and ultimately he failed to secede the presidency to Will Smith.

Memorable Quotes:  "In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it's fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist and should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on, we're going to survive.' Today we celebrate our independence day!"

2. President James Marshall (Air Force One)

Achievements: Strong on terrorism; had the first female Vice President; kicked major terrorist a$$ with nothing but his fists; and made the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs.

Failures: Failed to intervene sooner in the terrorist regime of General Ivan Radek of Kazakhstan; failed to escape Air Force One after it was taken over by Radek loyalists, (because as the President of the United States it is usually not a good decision to stay aboard a hijacked airplane); chose Glen Close as his Vice President.

Memorable Quotes:  "Real peace is not just the absence of conflict, it is the presence of justice."

1. President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)

Achievements: The first African American president; entered into an agreement with Russia to construct the Messiah spacecraft; authorized the construction of a large underground bunker complex below Missouri; declared martial law to keep the peace; and is Morgan Freeman.

Failures: Beck failed to stop the comet which he could have at any moment, since he is also God. (Morgan Freeman works in mysterious ways.)

Memorable Quotes:

Happy President's Day.

Lawful Evil

So recently, I was hanging out  in Southern New Jersey (as I am sometimes known to do,) when my friend got a random invite from one of our old college friends to come see his band play in Philly. This was shocking news to us, (mostly because we did not realize that he had a band, but also) because he could only describe the music as Nerdcore Rap. As you can probably guess, at the mere mention of the word Nerd, this very quickly became a show I had to see. (Also Philly is a great place to satiate my unending craving for meat and cheese sandwiched together on a roll.)

That was how myself and my two friends found ourselves in a bar on South Street called The Legendary Dobbs with four dollar Miller Lites in hand and being crowded by a group of neo-punks who seemed to have a more than a small liking for Bad Religion. Soon enough though the show began and first to stage was the band we had come to see, Lawful Evil, featuring the vocal talents of 50 GP, DJ KB, KingCrit, and Click Clack Kaboom.

Now, we did not fully know what to expect. I had a feeling that being a nerd through and through, I was going to enjoy myself regardless of the quality of the music. However, I am glad to report that Lawful Evil in their debut performance did not fail to disappoint either my musical or nerdy sense of taste. Their sound was reminiscent of MC Chris (Have fun on the Robot Reservations suckers! Were not gonna honor those bogus treaties!), their beats were catchy, and most importantly their lyrics were clever. You can't hate a band that so enthusiastically raps about being super-villains, playing D&D, or loving everything that was ever good that came out of Japan. More to the point, you can't hate a band with the passion to combine a love of all things nerdy with hardcore rap. It is a combo that seems almost so contradictory that it has to work, (like vodka and Red Bull.)

Though Lawful Evil has only had one show and is still to release any albums, I predict that if they continue to keep up their hard work and the quality of sound and lyricism that I witnessed last week in a crowded Philly bar, they will find success, at least in the nerd world (which usually means playing at comic cons around the country, and having a couple thousand Facebook stalkers.) Overall, the show was a lot of fun and crackled with the energy of a band who was enjoying themselves as much as their audience was. Lawful Evil is definately worth checking out, and a band we should all keep a close Beholders-like watch over in the coming future.

*Warning lyrics can be explicit

You can check Lawful Evil out at:

ReverbNation: http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/lawfulevil

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Lawful-Evil/145075055563024?sk=info

Groundhog Day after Tomorrow

Tomorrow we are looking at a 60% chance of nuclear fallout,
but does the weekend look brighter? Jim will have the
7-Day Forecast for you  up next.

Lately I have become convinced that the world is actually coming to end. It's not so much that I believe in the Mayan calendar or even because the seventh seal of the biblical apocalypse was broken when the Giants beat the Patriots in the Superbowl. (And God pointed his mighty foam finger and from it came a cone of fire and in that fire I beheld a giant whose head did not fit-eth into his helmet of war. Hence, this soft-headed giant did make war with a nation of patriots and thus was that nation embarrassed when their captain was called for intentional grounding in their own end zone. So the seventh seal lay broken and the Lord proclaimed, in a raucous and mighty voice, "Tebow would not have made that mistake?" [Revelations 2:5-7]) What really has been freaking me out lately about the coming end times is, the weather.

As I write this it is currently 50 degree Fahrenheit outside (that's about 10 degree Celsius for my foreign friends,) and it's February. For the New York metropolitan area the average temperature in January was 35.1 degree Fahrenheit, which is four degrees above the average for the past thirty years for January. Some days have even topped out at 60 degrees. Add to this a freak snow storm in October that dumped almost 19 inches in some places, a previous summer filled with hurricanes, earthquakes, and flooding, and we very well could be looking at the beginning of Armageddon. Soon enough the icecaps will melt, sea waters will rise, and our streets will fall prey to wild gangs of roving furry creatures. Moose, mountain lions, and Robin Williams will start invading our towns as their natural habitats are slowly consumed by flood water and disaster films. You think it is a joke now, but wait till you wake up one day and find a polar bear in your kitchen drinking your Coca Cola, (and that stuff is like crack to them.)

Probably what's most disappointing about the coming weather-related apocalypse is that it will be boring. I mean we always knew the world was going to have to end, but seriously weather? I was really hoping for a good old fashioned World War III or some kind of asteroid, but no. Instead, we get to be killed off by errant jet streams and warm fronts. Having your planet destroyed by weather is like getting killed by a papercut from a Robert Frost poem. There are so many cooler ways to go, demon hordes, super-viruses, solar flares, black holes, and of course the ever-popular zombie apocalypse.

However, (as I know many of you do) I have a dream scenario for the end of our world, extraterrestrial invasion. I am not even sure why that has always appealed to me, but maybe it is the thought of the human race coming together as one people to repel foreign invaders from the stars. (Also, I may or may not receive superpowers in this scenario, but that's a discussion for another day.) The best thing about an alien invasion is that in all my research I have yet to see the human race lose to the outer space invaders. With people like Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith, and Mel Gibson on our side how could we not. All we have to do is decipher the invader's incomprehensible computer code language (because how hard could that be) to implant a virus in their mothership, throw a few glasses of water on them, and then hit them with a baseball bat, and voila... Good-bye space invaders. True, our cities and civilizations will be destroyed and lay in ruin, but as a bonus once we defeat our temporary alien overlords we will have complete access to their technology and a firmer belief in the human spirit. We could rebuild our civilizations and make them stronger and more technologically advanced. Eventually, we too would be able to stretch our reach out to the stars united as a race of people with one goal in mind, conquering planetary civilaztions weaker than ours (How could we lose).

There is no way this winter is ever going to end, as long

 as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don't

see any other way out. He's got to be stopped. And I

have to stop him. -Bill Murry

Unfortunately, those are just pipe dreams, because how do you really combat the weather? We can't shoot guns at it, it doesn't respond to our witty one-liners, and going to a nuclear solution just seems silly. I mean if Al Gore had told us that demonic hordes or man-bear-pigs would soon be rising from the underworld to take over the planet, maybe I could have found more reasons to care. After all, at least that promises the excitement of possibly getting to unload a firearm or two at a potential menace.

Yet, for those of us that believe death by weather is too boring, I offer a single strand of hope, and it all stems from one little groundhog. You see Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter last week, and through research I have come to find that old Punxy has an accuracy rating of 80% and is over 120 years old. Phil is also constantly surrounded by a troupe of top-hatted men called the inner-circle, and speaks Ground-hoggese, which only the president of that circle understands. This has led to my newest theory that Phil is not predicting the weather, but controlling he weather. They say the devil can take many forms, but who would actually suspect the groundhog? And if you don't believe in Phil's power don't forget what he did to Bill Murray.

I know satanic groundhogs sounds like a crackpot theory, but let's not forget that everyone said the same thing to Al Gore about Global Warming. If my theory proves true, and Punxsutawney Phil is the Anti-Christ than I predict six more weeks of winter, followed by snow in June, hellfire-rain in October, and the Sun should be the color of sackcloth and the moon the color of blood, by December.