Let is Snow... Please

Winter is Never Coming

There is a small patch of snow in my driveway that I pass every morning. I am aware of this because I have slipped on it at least twice, (usually accompanied by an absurd amount of creative cursing.) However, I passed that patch this morning to find (with some regret) that it was melting. For those of you not from my neck of the woods, we had a few days of cold wintery snow that resulted in a few inches of the white stuff, just in time for Christmas, but now a heat waves has set in. Snow has turned to rain, winter jackets have turned to shorts, and last night I debated opening a window up while I slept, because it was that hot and uncomfortable. It hit a balmy sixty-five degrees.

We are a week away from Christmas and we are getting weather that I would usually be thankful for come April. In December, I am not thankful for it at all, because to me (more than any Mayan Prophecy or History Channel Special) this is a sign that our world is changing and we could be in for some big problems over the next few decades. There is almost no doubt that global warming is a "thing." In July, a piece of Antarctica the size of New York City broke off the frozen continent and is now drifting into open water. It is expected to clog shipping lanes, (something no one wants this busy holiday season.) More than the inconvenience it poses, it is also a sign of the time. Think of it this way, that piece of ice has been connected to that continent before Rome was a glimmer in the eye of Aeneas. The world is getting warmer, and if you doubt me you should know that the record high, of sixty-five degrees, only beat out the record high, of sixty-two degrees, from way back in 2011, which in turn only tied the record high set in 1923. I would not be surprised is we continue to see more record highs in the coming years, and basically that is what it boils down to.

Opponents of global warning like to point out that abnormal highs and lows are common throughout history, and that is true. However, if you look at the trends, though record lows still exist they are being overshadowed by the record highs. So in the past, where they would more or less balance each other out (2 record cold days and 2 record hot days,) now there is an increasing imbalance (2 record cold days and 4 record hot days.) It's like the imbalance in the Force that the whiney kid was supposed to fix, (and I will never understand why Qui-Gon thought it was important to bring balance to the Force when the Lightside was clearly winning. He should have left Anakin on Tatoonie.)

And speaking of desert planets, Earth's global average surface temperature rose 0.6 to 0.9 degrees Celsius (1.1 to 1.6° F) between 1906 and 2005, and the rate of temperature increase has nearly doubled in the last fifty years. More and more Americans are starting to understand that this is a serious problem. With 76% of Americans now saying that they believe that Earth's temperatures will rise in the next 100 years and 59% believing that it will be a serious problem for the human race going forward. That is great and all, but I don't see many people trying to do much about it. Sure, more and more people are turning toward green energy, but the change has been slow and thanks to big companies with a lot of money invested in old fossil fuel burning energy it has been even slower and frustrating. BP and Exxon like to try and convince us that they are doing great things for the environment, but maybe we should ask the people of the Louisiana coastline how much they would agree with that.

Look what you did... You're making Captain Planet cry.

The real truth of the matter is that no matter how aware of the problem we are becoming, we all still see it as some kind of distant thing that we might never really reach. It's a lot like trying to plan for next year's Labor Day party. It's less than a week away from Christmas. I can't think that far in advance, I need to get through what I am doing now, and if I need to use my car to hit eight different stores than so be it. I know I am hurting the world a little bit more, but I need to get my mother the right type of scented candle. Maybe the real problem is that the only reason anyone even noticed the hot weather was because of the Jet's game and the upcoming Superbowl being hosted in the NY/NJ area. Past that, no one even batted an eyelash. They were too busy worrying about who Miley Cyrus sexually assaulted this time, or what some bearded backwoods hillbilly said in GQ, (which by the way, A&E, you hired a redneck to do redneck things on TV. You shouldn't be that shocked by his comments. I mean if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and acts like a duck, then don't be too surprised when it quacks like a duck... pun intended.)

To be perfectly honest, I am as much at fault as anyone else. I have the same blase nature, I sometimes use my car way more than I should. I even sometimes throw water bottles in the trash can because I can't find a recyclable bin, but this needs to change and the evidence for why is all around us. There is no denying it anymore, because as much as I hated that icy snowy patch in my driveway, seeing it disappear I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever see it again. This may not be the kind of post you want to read around the holiday season, but maybe this is the kind of thing we should all be thinking about, especially now. In a little over a week it will be starting a new year and with that new year, maybe its time we all took a step back and made a commitment to do what we can to halt the progress of what is (very much) slapping us in the face. Christmas will come and go, but this problem is not going away, maybe ever.

 

This will be my last post of 2013. I will be taking a little break from blogging for a few weeks. I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday season. I will see you in the new year.

 

 

Ten People Who Saved Christmas

Since the holiday's inception nearly two thousand years ago many people over the ages have answered the sacred call to "save Christmas." In fact it has become somewhat of a holiday tradition to endanger the Yuletide season. Some of the people that have stepped up to the plate have been notable heroes while others just mere boys and girls. Sometimes Christmas has been saved in big ways, while sometimes it is done through small meaningful gestures. This list is in no particular order, and is arranged with no particular criteria, other than that I remember these adventures fondly. Sure, they are cheesy and predictable, but tis the season... So come with me now and honor those who gave so much for a holiday that means so much to so many people.

Honorable Mentions: Jack Skellington, KISS, a little boy with a drum, The Grinch, Timmy Turner, The Powerpuff Girls, Jesus, Batman, Jimmy Neutron, Sonic the Hedgehog, Super Mario, Space Ghost, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Stephen Colbert (saved it for himself,) Batman (deserves two mentions), John McClane, the Power Rangers, and Santa Claus.

Bender B. Rodriguez (FUTURAMA)

In all fairness, Bender helped saved Xmas, then helped destroy it all over again, or vice versa, depending on how you want to look at it. When the Planet Express crew traps the killer Santa robot of the future in the ice of Pluto, Bender volunteers to restore the good name of Kris Kringle, and promptly dumps the majority of his toys down the sewer, to the offense of the Sewer Mutants. After some alcoholism and a police arrest, Bender is broken out of death row by the escaped Santa robot and is recruited to help him fulfill his Yuletide night of terror, thus saving Xmas, or destroying it... or something.

Episode: S03E03 A Tale of Two Santas

Best Quote: "The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!"

Ernest P. Worell (ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS)

Ernest is like Tyler Perry for rednecks. The befuddled titular character is taxi driver often suffering from delusions of grandeur. He gets a fare to bring Santa Claus to Orlando, Florida, so that he can track down his replacement. Santa has run out of magic and has none left for the next Christmas season. His successor is meant to replace him, but shenanigans ensue, and the appearance of some baddies mixed with Santa's unreliable memory quickly crashes the plan. Dimwitted Ernest soon becomes Santa's only hope, and along with a young runaway Ernest must save the holiday before it is too late.

Episode: Ernest Saves Christmas

Best Quote:  "Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can."

The Doctor (DOCTOR WHO)

The Doctor has saved Christmas so many times it's barely worth mentioning anymore. He has saved the holiday from invading aliens, a crashing space Titanic, malicious snowmen, and even from sadness for one family in the 1940's. He has saved it in the future and in the past. He has saved it here, there, and everywhere. You could almost say that in a lot of ways we shouldn't be so worried if Santa is going to show up on December 25th, but the Doctor... because as the BBC often shows, we would be kind of screwed if he didn't

Episode: Any Doctor Who Christmas Special

Best Quote: "Ah. Yes. Blimey. Sorry! Christmas Eve on a rooftop. Saw a chimney, my whole brain just went 'What the hell!'"

GI Joe (GI JOE)

Almost all 1980's cartoons have a claim to saving Christmas in one form or another. In fact in the 80's and 90's it seemed that Santa and his holiday were perpetually in danger from evil wizards, giant robots, and all sort of villainous plots, but no story epitomizes that idea better than the time Cobra, the evil terrorist organization bent on ruling the world, released toys into the GI Joe compound that contained miniature cobra soldiers. They then take control of the base and the Joe's vehicles and use them to attack an American city just as the GI Joe's were delivering toys for needy children. Thanks in no small part to Polly, Shipwreck's parrot, who was enlarged to monstrous proportions, the Joes are able to take back their base and defeat the grinchly Cobras in time to save Christmas for small-town America, and Shipwreck learns the meaning of the holiday.

Episode: S01E39 Cobra C.L.A.W.S. are Coming to Town

Best Quote: "Shucks. We could beat them Cobra owl hoots flyin' cardboard boxes."

  

Ghostbusters (THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS)

Unlike other 80's cartoons at the time the Ghostbusters took a different approach to the holiday, time travel. Egon, Peter, Winston, and Ray stumble through a wrinkle in time and wind up in Victorian England where they mistakenly rid Ebeneezer Scrooge of his haunting spirits and return to the present, realizing that they changed Christmas forever. Thus, they must travel back in time to impersonate the various ghosts and teach Scrooge (and by proxy Peter) the meaning of the holiday season.

Episode: S01E13 Xmas Marks the Spot

Best Quote: "It’s not my fault! I told her to keep her cat out of the way. It’s not like the fur won’t grow back or anything."

Superman (SUPERMAN)

Superman has saved everything from Lois Lane to the Universe, but in this Golden Age adventure, the Man of Steel finds himself saving Christmas from two villains named Mister Meany, and Doctor Grouch. Disgruntled at Santa's philanthropy (for reasons never fully explained) these two old men proceed to try and convince Santa to give up his ways. When that doesn't work they leave the North Pole, head to Metropolis, and decide to trash the Daily Planet's Christmas Toy Drive, because you know... villainy... The toys are saved by Superman, but then the villains return to the North Pole to try and kidnap the reindeer (in hindsight Metropolis seemed like an unnecessary stop,) they are prevented form doing so by Superman, but manage to gas the beasts, putting them to sleep, and thus it is up to Superman to fly Santa around on Christmas Eve... Also Lois gets kidnapped (twice), but Superman is so unfazed by this normal occurrence that he helps Santa deliver toys first before rescuing her. Santa gives gifts to the two villains who immediately learn the meaning of Christmas, and (as a B plot-line) Superman teaches a rich kid the meaning of giving presents on Christmas.

Episode: c.1940 Superman's Christmas Adventure

Best Quote: "Calling Superman --Santa Claus Calling-- need your help desperately!"

Dib (INVADER ZIM)

Told by a robot snowman living in a protective dome two million years in the future, we learn that the alien invader, Zim, is up to his old tricks. After abducting and interrogating a mall Santa, Zim builds a robotic Santa suit for himself that he uses to enslave the human race and force them to build a massive teleporter. The only one who realizes what is going on is Zim's next door neighbor, Dib, who attempts to stop him and is immediately thrown into Jingle Jail at the order of the new supreme ruler of the human race, Santa (aka Zim.) However, the robot suit has a mind of its own and slowly begins taking control from Zim, enhanced in power when it comes into contact with anything "Christmas-y." Eventually Dib is broken out of jail and must use his father's Anti-Santa arsenal to battle an out of control Santa mutant (as Zim is no longer in control.) Together they banish the creature to space, and Zim dressed as the Easter Platypus has the crowd blame Dib for killing Santa. We learn from our story's teller that the Santa suit was not destroyed but now returns every year to attack Earth, thus why they live in protective domes.

Episode: S01E27 The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever

Best Quote: "That's the story of the most horrible Christmas ever! But Zim and Dib were wrong that day! Santa wasn't destroyed. Santa lives on. [Child: In the hearts and minds of us all?] No! In space! Gathering power! And every Christmas he returns to Earth."

The X-Men (X-MEN

All the X-Men are at the mansion preparing for Christmas, with Jean and Gambit cooking, Beast working in the lab, and Rogue, Cyclops, and all the rest decorating the tree. Professor X and Storm watch on lovingly and Wolverine acts disgruntled. Jubilee is overly excited, this being her first Christmas with the X-Men, so she begs Wolverine to come with her and Storm on a last minute shopping trip in hopes of cheering him up. However, the trip is interrupted when Storm learns that Leech, one of the Morlocks, has fallen ill and the three rush to save him. Wolverine transfuses his own blood, Beast and Rogue are called in to help, and Jubilee meets a a young Morlock girl who shows them their meager Christmas meal and small sickly tree. Leech is eventually cured and the X-Men have dinner with the Morlocks, giving them all the presents they had just purchased.

Episode: S04E12 Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas.

Best Quote: "Kid, the day you catch me singing Jingle Bells is the day pigs fly"

Earthworm Jim (EARTHWORM JIM)

Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Stinky, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-For-A-Butt, through TV, learns about Santa Claus and his power. Meanwhile, Jim and his friends are visiting the mall to meet the mall Santa Claus. Jim asks for a pony, but is interrupted when the mall Santa receives a distress calls from the real Santa through his beard. Jim, Peter Puppy, and Princess What's-Her-Name head to the North Pole to help. They find that Santa is gone. They track him to the Personifications of Abstract Concepts Club, but only find a disgruntled red-nosed reindeer. Meanwhile, the Queen tortures Santa and eventually implants a chip in his head that turns him evil, (and convinces him that Adam West was a better Batman than Val Kilmer.) The two then head to a typical Earth home to begin implanting the chips in all the children of the world, but find only Jim and company. A battle ensues and Jim pleads with Santa not to be evil. Moved by his words, the chip burns out and Santa is returned to normal. He also reveals that he is really a Norse God and then proceeds to beat the hell out of Queen Slug-For-A-Butt, and save Christmas. On Christmas morning Jim gets the pony he asked for and is flattened by a cow in a fruitcake.

Episode: S02E10 For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll

Best Quote: "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus... and he kicks butt!"

Chuck Norris (THE INTERNET)

Chuck Norris actually saves Christmas every year, for if he didn't the Christmas Demon Krampus would arise and devour the world. Chuck Norris once went back in time and haunted Ebeneezer Scrooge as the Ghost of Christmas Roundhouse Kicks. The only reason Christmas is a silent night is because Chuck Norris kills without a sound. Santa is always watching you, but Chuck Norris just knows if you've been bad or good. The magic hat that brought Frosty to life, used to belong to Chuck Norris. Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris has made another angel. All Chuck Norris wants for Christmas is your two front teeth. The Grinch stole Christmas, then Chuck Norris kicked him so hard his heart grew three sizes that day... and exploded. When Rudolph is sick, Chuck volunteers to light Santa's way with his glowing red beard. Chuck Norris once lassoed the moon for a girl, that was how tides were created. Chuck Norris' two favorite gifts to give on Christmas are pain and justice.

Episode: The Internet

Best Quote: "The quickest way to a man's heart on Christmas? Chuck Norris' fist."

Happy Holidays

Metaphoric Exercise: Karma

Sometimes when I'm bored at work, I engage myself in stupid writing exercises... I know, I'm a nerd... Since I haven't had a lot of time to write a blog entry this week, I decided to share one of my latest exercises. Sometimes I like to take an abstract concept and a random object and do my best to link them through metaphor. Usually it is something I am looking at out a window or something sitting on my desk. It's a good way to keep my writing muscles flexed on weeks when I do less writing than I would like.

KARMA

Karma is a dog, bitten by fleas and hysterical because of it. It lashes out at the hand that hits it, as often as the hand that feeds it. It’s matted brown and white hair is caked with the tears of the unjust and the blood of the righteous. Sometimes we put it on a leash and call it domesticated, but much like a wolf in a dog park, we can never truly trust it. It will never truly belong to anyone nor can anyone call it master. It’s eyes glow in the darkness or the light, never sleeping, always stalking. It watches you as you wander blissfully down the street, all the while ignoring the old man begging for money on the corner. You may look the other way, but the flea-bitten bitch never will.

Karma is the color black. It sucks in all the light around it, giving nothing back in return, except misery and despair. No light escapes it, it is the absence of one thing, yet it is the presence of something else. Drop a little of it into any color and it will darken even the lightest, turning white to gray, pink to maroon, and a noontime sky to the darkest moonless midnight. It is not inherently evil. Instead, it is a tool, like a hammer, or a force of nature like the unforgiving justice of pollution. It takes and it gives in equal measure. It corrupts and highlights. It is balance. The text upon a page would not be visible if their black ink was not illuminated against the untouched snow of the paper. Karma is black. It is friend and foe, the absence of color, and the meshing of all colors. It is the atmosphere of nightmares and the canvas for the starry artistry of the universe.

Karma is coffee. It burns the tongues of the unwary. it is a thick steaming dark liquid caffeine capable of giving you a shot in the arm of validation or a wet burning lap of justice. Found on almost any street corner, any supermarket, or in any house, big or small, rich or poor, British or American, its tastes vary, but it remains coffee nonetheless. Its flavors are as plentiful as the stars in the sky and the peoples of the Earth. Most prefer it hot, with a quick validation, and that is how it is best recognized. Yet, others prefer it cold, believing that is the way it is best served.

Karma is my fingers upon the keyboard, fat and awkward muddling their way through, corrupting my words, changing my intentions, enhancing my messages. The mistakes are obvious and glaring, but when working properly, the finesse goes unnoticed. Success is seamless, the words upon the page appearing as if they had always belonged there, like pillars of stone upon a mountain.There is no question as to how those words were created. We assume they had always been there and always will. When Karma works it's undetectable, like oxygen. Only when we stub our toe is the invisible force made real and powerful and terrible. Only do I notice the fatness of my fingers when I mkae the misatkes that so fsutrate me.

Karma is Idaho. It sits in the middle of everything untouched by the oceans of civilization, yet somehow dependent upon it for their potato crop of justice.

Karma is like Google, it is a big unfathomable concept, that knows way too much about me. It is intrusive as it is reliable. It judges my actions and directs me to addresses it believes I should go. It is innovative, creative, and a gigantic convienent-loving, cuddly, big brother. Whether we know it or not, it controls the world, no matter how much we want to deny it. It has it darker aspects and technical difficulties, but much of that remains hidden to me. I must blindly trust in it's power, whether used fairly or not. I fear its power, yet I need it nonetheless.