 |
A Visual Approximation, (Except our
foe was bigger, faster, was wielding a
kitchen knife, and was anti-semetic.) |
"Dad, we have a hornet's nest in the beach house," I heard my friend Chris say over the phone to his aforementioned parental figure. "Shawn, saw several of them in the kitchen."
"I saw two, maybe even the same one twice..." said Shawn.
"He saw a couple," he said again.
"One, maybe two," I said.
"Yeah there is a whole nest in the house," said Chris over the phone.
This was how my visit to the shore began, a complete exaggeration, but none of us could be sure of that at the time. All we knew was that there was a big, pterodactyl-like hornet trapped in the kitchen area of the beach house, and it had fallen to us three to slay this mighty beast, like a questing party of old. The only complication was that I knew very little magic, Chris could not swing a battle axe to save his life, and Shawn was a lousy healer.
First, we circled the house in search of a nest of some sort, but failing that we knew we had to confront the problem head-on.
"Do we have any wasp spray?" asked Chris over the phone.
I watched as Chris' face fell at the answer. "It's under the sink in the kitchen."
"In other words, we have to get by the hornet to kill the hornet," said Shawn.
That was how moments later I found myself volunteered for the recovery and reconnaissance mission. I stood before the closed wooden door that separated the living room from the kitchen area. I opened it with the caution of a man opening a bomb casing, and gazed inward. I saw nothing.
"Don't let that door come open," said Chris. "Don't let that door come open. Don' let that door come open!"
As I continued my inspection of the room in front of me, the door continued to creak open until I was standing fully in its frame. In the distant part of my mind that controlled rational thoughts I knew I should not have let the door drift that far, but in the moment I was too enthralled with finding our foe and any signs of what might be his relatives.
"It's by your f*cking leg," yelled Chris.
"Your kidding," I heard Shawn say from behind me.
I froze. I stood stock still, like a man dead in the sights of a T-Rex. If I don't move maybe it can't see me.
"It's by your leg. Close the door!" repeated Chris. "Oh God, it's coming in."
I was still standing stock still when I heard the screams from behind me followed by the rapid movement of feet. The last thing I heard was the slamming of a bedroom door as my two fearless companions locked themselves safely away from our insectoid foe.
Once I finally got my legs moving again I continued to the kitchen sink. I bent down and rifled through the cupboard and found the insect spray. I picked it up and shook it. It was empty. I now found myself alone and facing a house of hiding places and one angry hornet.
At least I confirmed that there was no nest. Unfortunately, that only meant we were facing one hornet who had probably been trapped for days without food or water. That meant it was disoriented, angry, and desperate. I have dated a few women like that and I would not want to have found them hiding in that beach house either.
Then I saw it. Our foe took wing and escaped into the adjacent and empty bedroom off the main living room. I slammed the door as quick as I could. With tentative caution I continued my inspection clutching the empty bottle of wasp poison like a man would clutch an empty gun in a zombie movie. I searched the bathroom area quickly just to make sure that there were no nests or other hornets. Finally I made my way back to the shelter of my friends and knocked softly.
"Who is it?" asked Chris.
"It's the hornet," I said. "I was hoping I could interest you in home insurance... Would you get out here!"
"Where is it?"
"I think it went in the other bedroom," I said as my two friends stumbled out of their shelter.
"Are you sure?" asked Chris.
"Yes."
"That's the best thing that could have happened. We just won't use that bedroom."
"Wait," I said. "It is only one hornet and you're going to let it kick us out of a bedroom? C'mon, we're humans. We are the top of the evolutionary ladder. We dominate this planet..."
"Insects might disagree," said Shawn.
"Maybe, but insects didn't invent something like this." I held aloft the can of insect spray.
"Great you found it." Chris took the can from me. "Its empty."
"Yeah I never said it was full," I said. "At least there is no nest. I checked the kitchen and the bathroom."
"We should go to the store to get more spray."
"I say we all just take a shoe and go in together," said Shawn.
"No, if we head to town we can gather supplies," said Chris.
"Like health potions and maybe the +2 Sword of Insecticide?"
I chimed in.
"Why don't you look up on the Internet how to kill hornets in your house," said Shawn.
Chris went to the computer and came up with a few articles mostly describing the plight of desperate women and single mothers who were at their wits end in battling hornet home invasions. One suggested hair spray, the other suggested finding a man. Since the later seemed liked an unlikely possibility we went with the former. Chris headed into the bathroom to see if we had any hair spray.
Meanwhile, I got a bright idea of my own. I went to the fridge and found a grape popsicle and began mashing it down into the small neck of an empty water bottle.
"What are you doing?" asked Shawn.
"I am building a trap," I said. "If we can get the hornet to fly into the bottle after the sweet smelling grape popsicle than I can just screw the top back on and trap it in there. Once we have him trapped we can just throw him out of the house. Problem solved."
"Adam," said Chris as he came back into the living room. "I thought you said you searched the bathroom. Look what I found under the sink." Held up another can of insect spray.
"I never said I searched it well."
"What's that?" Chris asked.
"A solution to our problems." I finished my sticky and grape flavored trap and bent down to the closed door leading into the occupied bedroom. "Cover me." I opened the door and slid the water bottle into the room, closing the door as quickly as I could.
"Now we play the waiting game," said Chris.
"The waiting game sucks," I said. "Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos."
"What does the label on that spray say?" said Shawn."
"It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Never use indoors. If on skin or other clothing, take off contaminated clothing. Rinse skin immediately with plenty of water for 15 to 20 minutes. Call a Poison Control Center or doctor for treatment advice," read Chris.
"I'm sure that doesn't apply to us," I said.
"I am kind of feeling this is like Independence Day," said Chris. "Yeah we can nuke the bastards but at what cost to the environment. This may be a last resort sort of thing."
"Check the trap," said Shawn.
I opened the door a crack and peeked in. "Nothing."
"I also found pump hair spray and aerosol hairspray." Chris held the cans aloft.
Shawn took off his shoe. "I say we open the door and go in."
"Maybe that is our best bet," I said after peeking at my empty trap once again. I picked up a discarded cardboard box and rolled it up into a flat bat and tested its strength with a few quick whacks. "I think you should use the aerosol hair spray. You'll have better range."
Chris tested both. "The pump drys faster but I'm not getting that close." He chose the small can of aerosol hair spray, as
I opened the door.
 |
| "I feel like I am in a Mickey Mouse cartoon," I said. |
We all gazed into the room, our respective weapons at the ready, scanning for any sign of movement. There was nothing, but still we held our position. Minutes passed and passed and still none of us moved from our rooted positions outside the door. Finally, when there were no clear signs of hornets, insects, or ex-girlfriends, we did the only thing we could think of, we started throwing things.
As I peered into the room a white-clear plastic object sailed past my head. It lightly struck the blinds, but nothing happened.
"Shawn, did you just throw the cap to the bottle-trap I made?"
"Yeah it was the first thing I found."
Sighing I did the only thing I could think of. I found a nearby penny and threw it too at the blinds on the far side of the room. As we ran out of those, pennies turned into batteries, and batteries turned into a bottle of suntan lotion, and then a football. We accomplished nothing, but at least we felt like we were.
After several more minutes of waiting we finally ran out of things to throw and were forced to physically enter the room. We checked the walls, behind the door, and even the closet. There was still no indication of our target.
"Maybe it got out," said Shawn as he indicated the cracks between the air conditioner and the wall. "I bet it crawled out through there."
"How sure are you?" asked Chris.
"5% sure," said Shawn.
"Its probably by the windows," I said. "It would go toward light."
"We would see a shadow," said Chris. "Or hear it buzzing. It might be on the bed?"
"Maybe..." I tapped the back wall with my makeshift weapon. Nothing happened. I slammed it down hard on the bed nearest us and something black and angry flew up from underneath the folded comforter.
I would like to say we fought valiantly, but that would be a lie. The truth of the matter is that we screamed and all of us fought like frightened school girls to get back out into the relative safety of the adjourning room. Personally, I dove head first back into the living room making a leap that would have qualified me for the Olympics under most circumstances.
"Its a fuzz," said Shawn finally. "Its just a black fuzz."
We all peeked our heads back into the room and sitting there, innocently and harmlessly, on the sheets was a small black fuzz.
"I'm telling you it got out," said Shawn.
"Then you sleep in here tonight," said Chris.
"Let's check the windows. Pull up the blinds... Shawn," I said
"Why me?"
"Because you're closer," I stepped behind him.
"Fine." My friend bent down and grabbed the shade pull-string in one hand. As he moved backward he slowly raised the shades on one window and then the other. "Nothing."
"There it is," yelled Chris.
Shawn came running at us and we all scrambled back out of the room. We reappeared a few moments later to find the hornet walking along the rim of the plastic blinds. It was watching us from the safety of the crack where no shoe could reach it.
"Hit it with the hair spray," said Shawn.
Chris stepped hesitantly forward, noticeably regretting his choice of weapons.
"I'm going to stand back in case he charges out," said Shawn to me.
"What!?! He's charging!" said Chris and he came running back into me.
"No," I said. "He was talking about you. Now go hit him with that spray."
I watched as Chris moved slowly toward his target. When he was at the most extreme range of his weapon he fired and the hornet took flight. Another scrambled panic and we were all back outside the bedroom again.
The hornet landed on the other window and the next thing I knew a stream of killer insect poison lanced out toward him and covered the window. Unfortunately the hornet had already disappeared back into the safety of the blinds.
"What happened to last resort?" I asked.
"I saw a chance," said Chris holding the bottle of Ultra-Kill Wasp & Hornet Spray. "I took it."
He put the spray down and we again found our foe nestled in the corner of the window. Chris sprayed him again with the hair spray, and then again, and then again. Each time the winged fiend seemed to get heavier and drowsier. After more than a few moments of dousing him with the feminine hair product we watched as he slipped and fell to the glass surface of the window.
"Finish him," we said to Shawn.
He moved in with his sandal held at the ready and struck like lighting.
In a surprising burst of speed the hornet took off, Shawn stuck again with his other sandal, but lost both weapons in the attempt. Now unarmed he retreated back toward us, but our enemy did not get far. It collapsed to the ground spinning in place with heavy wings. I could tell he was starting to get really angry.
"Get him, Adam," said Chris, and
I moved in with my cardboard weapon. At the last moment I hesitated, and instead decided to go for a more definitive strike and lifted my foot. One single smash and I could end the whole ordeal. I could be the hero who took down the monster, like David and Goliath, like Luke and the Death Star, like Peter and the Wolf (I think that analogy works...)
I slammed my foot down hard, but my hesitation was all the hornet needed. As my foot came down it took flight again.
I screamed and shoved Chris and Shawn out of the way as I fled back to safety. For good measure I slammed the door behind me and grabbed onto the insect spray like a life raft.
"Now we don't know where it went," said Shawn.
"I almost died," I said.
Chris opened the door, his hair spray at the ready. We caught a fleeting glimpse of the menace as it crawled back under the blinds of the nearest window. Then, we waited, and waited, and waited.
"Go tap the blinds," said Chris handing me a long beach umbrella pole. "See if he's up there."
I walked into the room and bent down to look under the blinds. As I did I saw a very confusing sight. Outside the window a hornet like creature took flight and flew back into the sunlit day. I tapped the blinds, lightly at first then more insistently when nothing happened. I bent down again to peer under and I saw sunlight. The closer I inspected the more I realized that the back-top window pane was open at the top.
"I think its gone," I said. "I think it got out."
"How sure are you? Like 5%," said Chris.
"Like 100%," I said. I banged hard against the blinds to illustrate my point. In our struggle against the foe we must have slid the back pane open with our repeated shoe and stick blows. The hornet saw its chance and escaped back into the wild. "It's gone."
"As long as its out of here, I don't care where it went," said Chris. "Are you sure?"
I used the long pole to detach the blinds from the window. They fell off to reveal a completely hornet free environment and a large opening of sunlight streaming in.
"Okay," said Chris. "I'm convinced."
"A little anti-climatic," I said,
"but at least its gone."
I slammed the top window shut and we all let out a sigh of relief.
We turned our attention back to our thoughts of the beach and the vacation ahead. The ordeal had taken an hour and a half of our time, but the memory will live on. We will always remember how we (sort of) vanquished our dragon and (sort of) proved our bravery in the face of sudden and horrible danger. We never gave up, and we could sleep more soundly because of it, at least Chris and I could. Shawn had to sleep in that bedroom.
